Anil Gupta: Nurturing Strong Bonds Through Simple Daily Practices

Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Neil, every dad has that story that you just light up when you get to share about your kids, when people are, you’re talking about with other parents. What is your favorite dad story to tell?

Anil Gupta: So, um, I got invited to speak in a bull ring in Medi in Columbia, and there were about 10,000 people there. And I took my wife and daughter and my, my daughter doesn’t like speaking.

Uh, she hates speaking. She went on stage in front of 10,000 people and, you know, spoke and that was like, oh my God, you know, there’s so much greatness inside of her. And she, you know, she, um, went on stage, she had the banners and, you know, help, help with the opening ceremony. And that was a beautiful moment because I realized that there’s so much greatness inside of her that she just lets out whenever she wants to.

Whereas my son and I are, are public speakers. We speak all over the world. She’s a very calm, collected, uh, stable, uh, [00:01:00] beautiful soul.

Brent Dowlen: How old was she at the time? Uh,

Anil Gupta: about 25.

Brent Dowlen: Man, that’s, I, I think I, the biggest audience I ever spoke in front of was 2000 people, and it didn’t phase me much, but 10,000 people in a big coliseum could.

I could be a little,

Anil Gupta: well, it, it, uh, tell you what was hard and difficult, it was a bull ring. So you’ve got people in front of you, you’ve got people to the side of you, people to the side of you, and people behind you. So you’ve gotta, you’ve gotta keep everyone engaged. So I’m always turning around, you know, so, but, uh, the, the stage was in the middle, so, um, it was a, a beautiful experience.

Brent Dowlen: Speaking in the round is, is exciting. I, uh, when I was younger, my dad, my dad was a minister and we went, when we first moved to Washington State back in 1987, the church, my dad was hired to preach at, [00:02:00] met in the round. It, it was like wedged, like a pie with, in the stage, in the middle and watching him trying to adjust to like having to constantly turn, it was so funny ’cause I had never seen my dad like in this.

He had been preaching my whole life at that point. So like seeing him try and like, pivot and move and keep turning and this whole new experience was hilarious. So that is incredible. You got to share that with your daughter and she got to be a part of it. Uh, man, we, we love our kids accelerate.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. And that’s, she sent me your, your email.

I’ll send you a, a clip. Yeah. Uh, it’s a beautiful experience.

Brent Dowlen: What if you could improve your communication with your children by simply changing one or two words in sentences you use almost every day? What if you could change your entire family dynamic with one simple practice around dinner that would rewire everybody’s brain into a much [00:03:00] healthier relationship through your whole family?

My guest today is internationally known as the Love Doctor. Because of his work, he’s been seen on every major TV network. He’s done workshops around the world, met the Dalai Lama, and worked with men like Adam Sandler and billionaire Richard Branson. But his favorite title is Still Dad. We’re gonna jump to our sponsor for 60 seconds and then we’re gonna dive in with Anil Gupta.

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Welcome to the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered truth about being a dad. Real dad’s real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent Dallen, and my guest today is Anil Gupta. Neil, welcome to the [00:05:00] Dads podcast.

Anil Gupta: Thank you. Welcoming me to your podcast and you know, I’m here to share knowledge that will move, touch and inspire all the dads, uh, on the planet.

Brent Dowlen: I have no doubt, brother. I, I think we’re gonna have a great conversation today. How many kids do you have? You said you have a son and daughter?

Anil Gupta: Yeah, I have two kids and my wife has two kids.

Brent Dowlen: Okay.

Anil Gupta: Yeah, they’re the same kids.

Brent Dowlen: And these days you have to clarify that.

Anil Gupta: You do. You do. Because most of us say, oh, you have four kids. I said, no, they’re the same. They have the exactly the same birthdays to think how is that possible? Then they realize, oh yeah, yeah. He’s joking. Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Oh yes. And the dad had, and the dad jokes have already begun, which is a great way to start the show there.

You care.

Anil Gupta: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: There you care. I gotta ask about the hat. Every dad hat has a story. Tell us about your hat.

Anil Gupta: So, um, I don’t normally wear hats, but occasionally I have to [00:06:00] wear a hat and this hat has my logo on it, a little, little hat, but it’s not in the middle. It’s on the, on the left hand side. So this is, if I was ever wear a hat, this is the one I would wear.

I, I probably got about 50 hats. People give them to me all the time and I said, look, I’m not gonna wear your hat. I’ve got my hat. I’m not gonna wear anyone else’s hat. So that, that’s, that’s my hat story.

Brent Dowlen: Tell us the story behind the design. Were you,

Anil Gupta: so, um, you know, we were talking, uh, pre, pre a show. I have no dress sense.

So I would go out and just as I was going out, my wife would say, are you going out like that? And you know what that means? I guess I’m not, and I would have to redress. And I thought, ah, I’m, I’m like, how old was I? I was 6 53. I thought, I’m almost a grown man. I should be able to make my own decisions. I thought, I know what, I’ll have a uniform.

Well, what’s the best uniform? I’ll wear black. [00:07:00] I thought, oh, blacks are boring. Why don’t wanna wear black? I said, okay, I’ll wear black with a little heart on my sleeve. You know, you know, saying that, you know, I, I’m the love doctor. He wears his heart on his sleeve and I thought, that’s a bit boring. And I thought, what if I put it here?

Then I asked my family and I said, Hey, what, what if I wore black and I put a, a harp here? They said, no, don’t dag, whatever you do, don’t do that. There you go. Done. Then I, I, I just had like 12 printed. Then I took a photo of me wearing one and it harped and I thought, oh my God. I love this. Yeah. So that, that was nearly, uh, a big upset in the family.

But they, they came round, they occasionally wear the shirts too.

Brent Dowlen: It, it’s amazing. They, they didn’t know that automatically saying, no, that’s a horrible idea. Was like, gonna just cement that forever.

Anil Gupta: You’d think they’d know by now. And, uh, they’re very [00:08:00] fashion conscious. My family, I’m not, you know, so I, I keep very simple stuff.

Brent Dowlen: When I was planning the show, I told my wife like, I’m gonna get a really bright red bowler hat. And she’s like, okay, bowler hat’s. I But why red? Why, why would you? I was like, because of that reaction right there. ’cause you’ll remember it because who else wears a bright red bowler hat? And she’s like, uh, got the hat, got the matching vest.

Anil Gupta: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Done for good,

Anil Gupta: right?

Brent Dowlen: It looks

Anil Gupta: great. It looks great.

Brent Dowlen: A Neil, for our audience, let’s, let’s give them a little context. Who are you, what do you do?

Anil Gupta: I’m known as the love doctor. I remove the obstacles that are preventing people from leading rich and fuller, happier lives. We’ve all got issues with our spouses without kids, our parents, with employees, with, uh, relatives.

And we just, we were never [00:09:00] given a toolbox when we were born. We, we learned from our parents and they’re not the best people to learn from. So I have a gift in removing those obstacles so that, that you can lead a richer, fuller, happy life, which will add more years to your life and more life to your years.

And that, that’s my gift.

Brent Dowlen: So do you work with whoever, however, like they could call for coaching or something like that, or?

Anil Gupta: So re I have three, three areas. One is I help singles find their partners without dating. ’cause dating is stupid. Um, I help families reunite because a lot of kids nowadays are enabled and entitled and they, they’re, they’re fighting with their parents and their parents are fighting with their parents.

And then obviously I helped couples, uh, overcome. The issues that they’re facing. And mostly it’s around communication, respect, love, not being heard, not being listened to, uh, not being honored and not being valued. [00:10:00] So, uh, it, it’s a beautiful process because you know when, when you change someone’s life, it’s the greatest thing you can do.

Brent Dowlen: When you became a father, what was the best piece of advice you were given?

Anil Gupta: You know, no one gave me any advice. I, I, I’m thinking, no, you know what? No one gave me any advice that, that’s, that. I’ve never been asked that before. No, I, I’m, I’m, I’m stunned that no one gave me advice.

Brent Dowlen: Advice. Oh, now see, that’s the, that’s the real thing, secret. We need to learn from you. Right? There is.

How do you manage to not get advice from everybody and their dog? It’s, it’s amazing to me, like when someone finds out they’re pregnant, everybody and their dog seems to have an opinion about what they should do with that kid or how they should raise that kid, even people who don’t have [00:11:00] kids. So I’m, I’m always that, that’s amazing to me that no one actually gave you any kind of advice.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I think I know why, because I, I was very self-centered. Very, you know, stubborn. So I think maybe people didn’t want to approach me. Yeah. I think that’s probably the reason why

Brent Dowlen: that’s that’s fair. So you’re, you’re telling him, guys, you should be a little more pigheaded and a little more unapproachable.

Got it.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. And, you know, people weren’t approach you, you know, like, I, I mess up making tea or coffee. Then my wife says, oh. You’re good at. So guess what? She makes all the coffee, everything. Don’t get good at stuff you don’t wanna do.

Brent Dowlen: There, there’s the takeaway, guys. Just be unapproachable and don’t get good at things you don’t wanna do.

There. There we go. It’s, that’s the show. Now,

o Neil, what do, what do we wanna dive into today about being dads?

Anil Gupta: You know, um, [00:12:00] let’s, let’s talk about connection. How can you get a deeper connection with, with your children, with, uh, you know, the, you know, they’re the most beautiful things. When they were born, you would do anything for ’em. They would pee on you, they would poop on you.

They would do anything. And you, you, you, you’d honor it, you’d celebrate it. But as they get older, things change. And what happens is this. They start to go to school and they’re told to sit down and shut up and put their hands up, and then everything changes. And then as parents, we have an expectation from our kids.

They should perform, they should do this. And the, and the child thinks, hang on, what happened? I, I did. I could do anything. And they love me. Now I’ve got to do something in order to get love. And there are choices. They can be smart, they can be cool. They can be, you know, [00:13:00] rough and ready, or they can be naughty or they can be studious or athletic.

Whatever they find is easiest for them, that’s who they become. So all of a sudden, if, um, a child is naughty and he gets a lot of attention, he thinks, oh, this is great. I’ll, I’ll continue to be naughty, then I get all this attention. Or if, if you are, uh, greater academics and you come home and, and you get all this love and attention, think, oh, I love this, I, I’ll continue doing that.

So then it becomes a little bit transactional. And we, uh, as parents, we have an expectation for our kids. And when that expectation isn’t met, that causes an upset. And then in that moment you can’t love them as much. There’s that unconditional feeling that you have when they’re, when they’re babies.

Brent Dowlen: Transactional relationships are, are bad all the way around. It ruins is a marriage quickly. [00:14:00] Unfortunately, it seems to be what most people understand as a relationship these days. I’m not sure where we fell off the tracks on that one. In bygone years, but that seems to be people’s common conception of what a relationship looks like, whether it be with a spouse or a boyfriend, girlfriend, or even your kids.

I’m not sure how that happened, but how are we letting that happen with our kids? ’cause I mean, you’re right, growing up, your children can do no wrong. You’re like, yay. Look, he burped. You know, uh, my, my kids, I’m, I’m a bit childish a as a guy, and, uh, I, I’m the dad who’s like, you know, chuckling when my kids are my, much to my mother’s dismay.

My 11-year-old is cracking off fart jokes and who of course, you know, my mom doesn’t think that an 11-year-old girl should be cracking off art jokes. But, uh, you know, I, I’m still perfectly normal. [00:15:00]

Anil Gupta: Perfectly normal,

Brent Dowlen: right? I think so. Like, you know, my, my kids are a little feral ’cause I’m a big impact on their lives.

But I have two girls who are not always real ladylike much to my mother’s just made because I don’t care. But how do we go from that? Because we love our kids. We adore everything our kids does. Everything is cute or fun or exciting. How do we make that switch in our head where we start feeling transactional about our kids?

Where is that happening?

Anil Gupta: So, um, the secret is awareness. Awareness gives you clarity. Clarity gives you focus. Focus gives you action. Action gives you results. Results gives you momentum, which gives you everything. So the definition of love is this, it’s acceptance. When a baby’s born, you accept the baby as is.

You have no expectations, you have no attachments. But when. As they grow up, you start having these expectations and attachments. [00:16:00] And for me, an example was that I, I, I used to live in London and, you know, being Indian, all the Indian kids were really smart. So I would get extra tutors for my, for my son. And then one day I realized I’m not doing it for him, I’m doing it for me so that I don’t look bad.

I don’t want kids to say, oh, your, your kid’s not as smart as my kid and I don’t want that. I realized that this is not fair on my son. So I said, son, do you really like the tutoring system? No, dad, I don’t like it. So I said, son, that’s it. We’re not doing it. I said, dad, are you sure? I said, yeah, we’re not doing it.

And then he blossomed. So it’s really, you know, when we talked about connection, talk to your kids, you know, um, what’s the first thing people say when they pick up their kids from school?

Brent Dowlen: How was your day? Yeah. Never,

Anil Gupta: ever, ever. Ask that question. Ask. Yeah. You are interrogating them. They’ve had a hard day at school.

You make them get up. You made them do your homework. You, [00:17:00] you, you know, you, you, you drop them off. You pick them up from school. The first thing, how, how was your day? No, don’t do that. I tell my clients, put on the loudest music you can roll down the windows. Let the child walk in and do this. What’s up? Say nothing and then wait two or three minutes.

Hey, what would you like to do right now? Ice cream. Let’s, let’s go and then say, Hey, what was fun, exciting, magical about today? Not, was there anything fun, exciting, or magical? What was they have to answer positively and all of a sudden they’re in a different mood. And guess what all their friends are gonna say.

Your dad’s cool. Your mom’s so cool. [00:18:00] Everybody wins

Brent Dowlen: it. It’s amazing how changing a word or two can really offset. You go from the i I spent 20 years working, uh, with teens in youth ministry and like the littlest changes go from that whole cross arms, like whatevs nonsense that a lot of parents get from their kids. Like, really? Can I get more than a word to the kid just unloading like, oh my goodness, this is going on.

This is going on. But. As a parent, we, I like, I don’t want to ever feel transactional. I don’t want my kids to feel like they have to earn my love or do certain things to be loved and appreciated for who they are. I don’t think a dad, any dad actually consciously wants to do that with their kids. So how do we shift mindsets when we’re interacting with our kids?

Anil Gupta: Okay, so let’s role play. Uh, [00:19:00] you, you’d be a, a 12-year-old daughter and I’ll be the dad. Okay, so I say, honey look. Um, I just wanna share something with you. Is that, is that okay?

Brent Dowlen: Sure Dad.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. So honey, you may not know, but there’s two parts to you. Okay? There’s you this beautiful daughter that I was so blessed to have, and there’s your behavior.

You know, at times, I’m not in favor of your behavior. Always, always, always, I will love you always, and if ever you do anything bad, silly or stupid, I want you to tell me and I promise you, I will not judge you or condemn you. I just want to know that you’ve done something silly or stupid, and then we’ll fix it.

Even though you may not know how to fix it, we’ll always find a [00:20:00] way. So do you understand what I just said to you,

Brent Dowlen: dad?

Anil Gupta: Yes. I will always love you. I don’t always love your behavior, so never ever think your dad doesn’t love you. Never. That will never happen. I would give up my life for you right now.

Anytime. Because you are so special. You are so gifted, you’re such a beautiful soul. The day you were born was one of the happiest days of my life, and I wanna thank you for making that happen for me.

Brent Dowlen: So how as fathers do we shift a relationship if we haven’t built that relationship? To this point with our kids, right? Say your kids are anywhere from seven to 15, and [00:21:00] as a dad, you haven’t been doing the greatest job. Right? How do we start shifting as a father when our kids are already going, ah, dad kind of is pain, or, I I They don’t, you don’t have that close relationship.

How do you start shifting that connection

Anil Gupta: and, and it’s step by step. But I have a beautiful exercise that will do that. We, we would sit by the dinner table, uh, my son, my daughter, my wife and I, me, and we would go through a series of questions. So I’d ask my wife, honey, what did you do today that you were not thanked for?

And she said, I, I made this meal. No one thanked me. So my daughter, my, my son, and I would thank her. Then I would ask the same question to my son, to my daughter, then to, I’d ask it to myself. Next question is, what act of kindness did you perform today? So my wife, my son, my daughter, and me. What act of kindness [00:22:00] did you, uh, see today?

Observe today, dad. I noticed mom, you know, uh, taking me to school. That was an act of kindness. Yeah. So we’d do my, my wife, my son, my daughter, me. Next question. Whatcha grateful for? Go around the table. Um, what was fun, exciting, magical about today? Not was there, what was go round the table. Uh, and um, the last question is, is there anything on your mind, uh, is there anything you would like to talk about?

One day my daughter says, dad, I have an upset. Great, we’ll fix it. Said Dad, what’s great about it? I said, honey, whatever it is, we’ll fix it. You know, one day my uh, son says. Said, dad, you lied to me. I said, what? You know how integrous I am. But tell me, he said, dad, you, you said that you would play with me in 30 minutes, but you took over an [00:23:00] hour.

And I could have said, dad, son, don’t you know who I am? How many people I’m, I’m saving lives? But I said, son, you are absolutely right. Please forgive me. Now I’m a lot more careful what I say. So it’s a muscle. If you exercise this muscle now. The great thing about this exercise was this next day, my 9-year-old is in charge,

so he asked to ask the same questions, but every day they’re looking for acts of kindness. They’re looking for, uh, good things. They’re looking for positivity. Their level of awareness is much higher. He, you know, he became a public speaker, just spoken over a thousand times for Tony Robbins. Very confident.

Uh, articulate. Anytime he has a problem, he can come to us. My 7-year-old would leave the next day. So, you know, they have to be respectful. They become confident. Public [00:24:00] speakers communicative and wonder. They will come to you and say, dad, I, I did something really stupid. That’s what you want. But then you have this communication and they feel free and comfortable.

You know, it’s sad when you see kids. Don’t wanna even be seen near their parents at school. It’s so sad. And I said to my son, son, I will always hug and kiss you no matter how old you’re, he’s 34. Still hug and kiss him and if anyone says anything to you, just let them know. My dad loves me because they need to know what to say.

This, there’s no need to be embarrassed. Just say that my dad loves me. That’s it.

Brent Dowlen: It’s, it’s very interesting to me. Um.

The power of saying those things out loud and having those thoughts. Uh, I hadn’t applied that thought process to mealtime, but I used to run through an exercise with my [00:25:00] daughters when I was putting ’em to bed every night, and I would ask them before they went to bed every night, like in their bedroom after I’ve got them in their beds, is.

What is one thing you did kind for somebody else today? What was something kind that somebody did for you today and what are you grateful for today? And that was the end of the routine and it helped prevent nightmares because it reoriented their, reoriented their brains on the positives from the day.

Uh, and so I used that to fight the nightmare stages when they were younger. I hadn’t thought about trying to apply that to the rest of the day actually. And,

Anil Gupta: and that way everyone gets to hear and they, and, and there’s a beautiful interaction between, uh, uh, the, the, the, the siblings and parents. And at the end of the day, what, what you could ask, ask your kids is what made you smile?

What act of kindness did you perform? What was [00:26:00] magical and what what, um. What are you excited about for tomorrow? You know, so it it, it’s really cultivating a different thought process, creating new neural pathways instead of the negative ones, you’re creating positive neural pathways, and it’s a muscle, it’s a beautiful, beautiful muscle.

Brent Dowlen: It, it’s, what is that? There’s, there’s a name for it, is the effect when you like buy a new car and then you see it everywhere.

Anil Gupta: A reticular activating system.

Brent Dowlen: I knew there was a fancy name for it, but yeah, it’s the same thing. I

Anil Gupta: I, I sounded clever there for a minute.

Brent Dowlen: You did. Like, I, I’m like, I don’t even know what you just said.

This was

Anil Gupta: not a setup. This was not a setup, guys,

Brent Dowlen: but it is, is that exact thing, right? When you start having to relate those things outside, your brain starts looking to answers for those questions all day long, which changes what you’re seeing, what you’re noticing. [00:27:00] So that, that’s incredible insight.

Anil Gupta: It’s a, it’s a beautiful exercise and I, I’ve written a, a, a, a piece on that.

I, I’d be happy to send it to you.

Brent Dowlen: I would love that. I’ll share that with, uh, when we post the video as well. I’ll share it on the website. Um, if you don’t mind, that would be great.

Anil Gupta: Yeah, absolutely. It’s a game changer, really is a game. And the, the great thing is you can even use this same exercise with your employees.

You just, you know, tweak it a little bit. You know, uh, what act of kindness did you notice a fellow uh, employee make? What act of kindness did you make today? What was magical about today? Who, whose life was enhanced by you today? So you can modify it. So then the morale at work increases and there’s that comradery

Brent Dowlen: that’s.

Sorry, I’m thinking about my, my last corporate workspace. We could have used that tool. [00:28:00] It was,

Anil Gupta: I’m available.

Brent Dowlen: The, the morale was not real great there. Yeah, we were much more likely to throw things at each other across the room than to be like, Hey, I did this nice thing, or they did this nice thing for me.

Uh, probably, probably not the healthiest workspace, you know.

Do you got a dad joke to share with us today?

Anil Gupta: Yeah. Um, what do you call a deaf gorilla?

Brent Dowlen: What?

Anil Gupta: Anything you like

Brent Dowlen: now, guys, I’m recording this in my studio, which is about one wall away from where my children are sitting right now. So I’m gonna test that joke after I walk outta here in a little bit. Just,

Anil Gupta: yeah. They, they won’t laugh.

Brent Dowlen: Yeah, I know. But if I don’t give the, the signature eye roll for my 13-year-old, then I know it, it was only Okay.

Right. That’s, I, I judge my dad jokes on how hard my [00:29:00] oldest daughter rolls her eyes. I if she gets that really big exaggerated, it’s like, just stop. I know I felt good and then that’s, uh, I, I, it is that phase in life, right? If your kid’s hitting a certain age, I love to tease my daughters and, and play with ’em like it is, like still just the high point of my day.

Is when I drop everything and just go play with my kids and have fun and tease them and tickle and laugh. And, uh, my daughter, oldest daughter likes to draw. So I, I got drawings all over my leg. ’cause I put up my leg when I’m sitting down right by where she is and she’ll sit there and dood all my legs.

And, ah, good daughter.

Anil Gupta: You know, life is, life is not about the, uh, the number of breaths you take, but the number of times your breath is taken away. I, I’ve got a grandson, he’s, uh, 18 months today actually. And I, I’ve, I’ve taught him how to jump in puddles. Most kids don’t do that. I said, no, come on, let’s do it.[00:30:00]

Um, you know, it’s, it’s the simple things. The big things.

Brent Dowlen: Yeah. The, the little, the little day by day goes a long, long ways. Your relationship’s not where you want it to be. I want you to know I got you. Relationships take a lot of work and can fall back on the back burner pretty easily as your empire building is a man.

Men often suffer from damage to their relationships while they’re trying to provide for the people they love the most. I help men with the skills, techniques, and solutions to rebuild thriving relationships with the people they love. Even if you’ve struggled in the past with being the husband and father you wanted to be.

It’s not too late. Reach out and schedule your free discovery call@purposedrivenmen.com to learn the skills you need to connect deeply with the people who matter most in your life. Let’s get back to the show a Neil, what is the best piece of advice you would give a dad right now?

Anil Gupta: Be present to your children, and if you’ve got more than one, [00:31:00] just go out with them. Just listen to them. The biggest mistake parents make is this. They expect the child to come into the adult world. Oh, when I was your age, I had three businesses. I was doing this. I would walk 12 miles to school, blah, blah, blah.

No, they don’t wanna hear that. Sit with them, ask, find out what their favorite music is, their favorite sport. What do they love to do? Sit with them and, and experience what they’re experiencing. Get into their world. What music do they like put on their favorite music when they come into the house? Ask them about their lives.

Get connected with them. That’s the biggest advice I would get.

Brent Dowlen: I was, I was reading a statement the other day and someone was noting that, you know. Parents today often complain that kids are not as mature as they were at their age, right? And the person responded and [00:32:00] said, didn’t we work really stinking hard to make sure that was the case so the kids didn’t have to grow up as fast as we did?

Wasn’t that the point of all the hard effort you put in in the last several years of your life? I thought, wow, that’s like one of the most clever thoughts. You know, ’cause I look at my kids and I look at what I was doing at their age group and what they’re doing, and it’s like, yeah. But I worked really hard to give them more of a childhood to let them play and be carefree longer, and to not have to do those things.

But on the flip side of that is, yeah, we, we gotta get into their world, right? If they’re gonna be in that world longer, I, I don’t want them. Yeah. All in business and worried about things and stressed about things. That’s, that’s my life. That’s my job. So I love the idea,

Anil Gupta: kids, and honestly, we had great childhoods.

Brent Dowlen: Mm-hmm.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. We, we had so much more freedom and, you know, uh, no [00:33:00] phone, no phones, no instant messages, no Facebook, no, it just. Rough and ready, you know, we could just go out and have fun and communicate and have friendships and then, you know, we’d have, you know, uh, uh, upsets with our friends, but I wasn’t, my dad didn’t come and fix the issues, but we had to fix it ourselves.

Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Yeah. It’s a lot of different world. Yeah. And unfortunately, I, I am not anti-technology, but I, I do think that there is a lot of negative repercussions to. Some, the impact of technology on young people these days.

Anil Gupta: It, it’s huge. No, I, I see young kids, one year olds, and they’re given a, a, a, a phone or an iPad to keep them occupied.

And guess the, the 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, where do they hold the iPads on their laps [00:34:00] and that’s emitting radiation. What’s gonna happen? It’s gonna radiate that area. And, you know, kids won’t eat unless they’re on an iPad. It’s ludicrous. You know, we, we, we would sit at a table and we’d finish our plates. Um, you know, we’d ask respectfully, may I have some more?

Um, but kids don’t even eat with their parents. They eat at different times. Uh, they’re on their phones or on the, uh, you know, there, there should be, uh, I would insist. Uh, technology free time so that you can sit and talk, enjoy each other’s company.

Brent Dowlen: I, I find it very interesting because a lot of parents, if you get ’em talking about technology, will argue about the mental health impacts or the attention span dropping, uh, the creativity being closed off.

You become less creative with more, you tune into that kind of things, and I, [00:35:00] and I’ve heard all those arguments. I think you’re the first person I’ve actually heard cite the physical ’cause we, we want to think the right, we we’re like, oh yeah, we use these things all day, every day and we don’t talk about the physical health risk involved with having a device on you at all times.

And, uh, the tech companies obviously spend a lot of money trying to quash that being discussed ’cause. If people realize the damage that these things were doing to your body, most people would not carry everyone around all the time. Uh, much less. Absolutely. Yeah. So it’s interesting to me, that’s the first thing that came to mind for you is like, yeah, that, that’s putting off radiation sitting on that child right there.

Um, I don’t think a lot. Understand that

Anil Gupta: they, they don’t, and also there’s, there’s no, uh, interaction. And, you know, the kids, uh, uh, uh, I understand why they’re eating. They’re not eating and enjoying the food. They’re just doing it just to, you know, [00:36:00] just because they, they have to and they’re missing out, and then they get picky and then, you know, they, they won’t eat unless they have the iPad.

Uh, it’s, it’s totally ridiculous. Totally ridiculous. Then they have to be entertained all the time. And I’m totally against that. If you give, you know, we would, uh, buy our kids, uh, toys, but they would end up just playing with the box. So I thought, this is great. We’ll go to Costco, get some boxes done.

Brent Dowlen: Oh my goodness.

Growing up like a, a big appliance box, I could keep myself busy for days. That was that. Greatest thing is we’d get a new appliance or something like a dad would have to replace the fridge or something. It’s like, yes, I can play with this. Like the cardboard box would move into my bedroom because dad did want it in the middle of the floor.

Yeah,

Anil Gupta: really. And you know, every Sunday I would get a, a ton of newspapers, and then at the end of the day, we would rip them up all up [00:37:00] and then we, you’d just make them into confetti. You know, we’d have a, in those days, the ink used to come off your fingers, so it was fun.

Brent Dowlen: Wait, you, you want to encourage our kids to make messes in the house?

Anil Gupta: Yes. If, if they spill milk, don’t, don’t get upset with them. You spill the milk and say, look, it’s, it’s just milk. It’s okay. No need to get upset.

Brent Dowlen: Yeah. I, I gotta watch myself. I get a little picky with, uh, wasted food.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. Rightly so. You know, we have to value. Um, you know, waste, you know, don’t waste food, you know, eat everything up.

Don’t, don’t order too much. Yeah, yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Uh,

Anil Gupta: it’s important.

Brent Dowlen: I’m not big into like, you have to eat everything that was made or whatever, but it’s, you know, if you put it on your plate, I, I don’t want to see it in the garbage. I’m, [00:38:00] I, I like, I, I’m pretty, I’m, I’m convinced that’s where the dad bod came from.

You’ve heard the term dad bod. It is from all of us eating the stuff our kids didn’t finish on their plate because we’re we paid for that, we’re not gonna throw it away. And like in my case, it’s leftovers. ’cause no one in my house likes to eat leftovers. And so even if I’m not as hungry or that hungry, I will eat leftovers because I spent money on that and I’m not gonna throw it away.

A waste of the food.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. No, we worked hard on it. No, I, I, I, I said to my wife, look, you know, please don’t throw food away. Especially if it, you know, like you bought a mango. Don’t, don’t let it rot. Do something, you know, make a milkshake outta it. Just don’t let it rot because it’s not right. It’s just to me.

Yeah, I agree with you,

Brent Dowlen: but I’m, I also, you know, know enough about health. It’s like I don’t wanna force it. It’s like, no, you don’t have to eat everything I made. You have to eat some protein and [00:39:00] not just carbs. ’cause. Your body needs it, but I’m also not a big, you have to eat everything on your plate. You have to clean your plate, blah, blah, blah.

Uh, I’m the first one at the restaurant. It’s like, no, don’t put that on my plate. Well, I can put it on the side. No, don’t, don’t put it on the side because then you have to throw it away afterwards. I don’t, I don’t want you throwing away slices of tomato. ’cause I’m not gonna eat them. I’m telling you I’m not gonna eat them.

So just don’t put ’em on the plate. Yeah, right. Um, and so I’m trying to walk that fine line, right, because you want to be responsible. You also don’t wanna make big deals out of really, you know, spill little milk. Oh, that stinks, man. But you know, my dog will be happy.

Show Bumper: Yeah.

Anil Gupta: And you know, when you, when, when you do pick a fight around that, in that moment, you can’t love your child in that moment.

They can’t love you. What, what are you committed to? If you’re committed to your children being happy and loving, let it go. It’s okay. It’s not that big of [00:40:00] a deal.

Brent Dowlen: Let’s let, can, can you say that one more time? ’cause I, I really, I do not think that people understand that that’s a really big concept if you’ve never heard that before. Yeah. You said you can’t comment.

Show Bumper: Yeah.

Anil Gupta: So if, if, if you are upset with your kid or you, you are having a, a, uh, uh, a not so nice conversation in that moment, you cannot love them.

They cannot love you. So you are losing love for them. They’re losing love for you. And I know that’s not your commitment. Your commitment is to be loving. So what do you have to let go of? Do you want to be right or you want to be happy? Most people choose right, you know, um, I’ve got this, uh, it’s the right shoulder rule.

So if I said to you, if you rip off your right shoulder and give it to me, would you do it knowing you would die within minutes? No. [00:41:00] What if you have the same rule for your happiness with your kids, with your spouse, with your family, with your work, under no circumstances will I give my happiness away.

It’s a beautiful rule.

Brent Dowlen: That is a really big idea. Huge. Guys, if you’re listening, I really sit with that one for a few minutes. P, pause the show right here, like take a few minutes. And, and sit with this idea, because it may seem a little too big to start with, but give that one some time and chew on that a little while. Work that around in your mind and then continue the episode.

’cause it’s a really big concept, but it’s a really valuable concept to start to understand and it applies. You know, I, I talk with guys about that in. Relationships. When it comes to relationships like your spouse, it’s like there, there’s [00:42:00] this moment. You’ve gotta choose what, what’s more valuable? Is your relationship more valuable or your need to be right in the moment or to feel like you’re right in the moment?

Uh, it is just a really big principle, but I don’t think, I’ve never heard someone say out loud, it’s like you, you can’t love your child in that moment. Yeah. Which is horrifying. Yeah, it should.

Anil Gupta: Yeah. It wakes you up.

Brent Dowlen: I If that isn’t repulsive to every dad listening, you’re probably on the wrong show, guys. Um, the idea of, there’s a moment where I’m not loving my child.

You can not love something they do, like Anil was saying earlier, but you don’t ever wanna not love them.

Show Bumper: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Uh, Neil. Where is the best place for people to connect with you?

Anil Gupta: Um, my website is probably the best. Uh, meet [00:43:00] O’Neil dot com and you’ll find a lot of free content. And if you wanna reach out to me, there’s a way to reach out to me.

Um, you know, the more tools that we have. The better the quality of our life. Life is not about the number of breaths you take, but the number of times your breath is taken away and you, you can find many things to take your breath away. You know, lightning. We were talking about lightning, rain. Just look for the gratitude in your life.

Look for the greatness. Perform acts of kindness. Just be the best version of you. Be so amazing. You cannot be ignored.

Brent Dowlen: I love it guys. I, I, I would normally think of trying to think of something to say to close the show, but I don’t think I can add to that honestly without just totally butchering it. So thanks for joining us today on The Dad Has shenanigans Podcast, a community of dads just navigating life’s challenges together.

Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad [00:44:00] life.