The Daughtered Podcast: Brent Dowlen on Becoming the Dad She Deserves

The Daughtered Podcast: Brent Dowlen and Oscar Pena

Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] We’re terrified. We’re all terrified. The minute that baby goes in your arms, you’re like, holy crap, I’m screwed here. We don’t think about it because instantly the minute we catch that whiff, right, the minute we bring the baby close to our nose, right, and catch that scent, there’s actually a chemical reaction in our brain on our brains actually change as men and go into dad mode.

The minute that baby was put in your hands, you were on mission, and now you have this innate fear of failing the mission. The very fact that you don’t feel that you are up to the task that you still are like, I’ve got so much work to do that proves you’re a good dad. Like that. That’s the money shot guys, right there is if you ever actually get to a point as a father where you figure like you’ve gotta all lock and totally figure it out, then you’ve stopped growing or trying to grow for your kids.

One, two. 1, 2, 3. Welcome to the Daughter Podcast, where fathers [00:01:00] become everyday heroes in their daughter’s lives. Grow, evolve and lead with love. Here’s your host, Oscar Pena.

Oscar Pena: Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Daughtered Podcast, your local growing girl Dad here. And today with my guest, Brent is gonna come in and literally just talk being a girl dad. And it’s literally my favorite subject, so I’m super excited, man. Brent, how are you

Brent Dowlen: man? I’m, I’m stoked. I’m excited to be here, brother.

It was gonna be a great conversation. I’ve been looking forward to this. I don’t do a lot of podcast appearances and honestly. I still get really nervous when I show the show.

Oscar Pena: Perfect. The blind leading the blind, this is gonna go great.

Brent Dowlen: Absolutely.

Oscar Pena: Well, if you guys dunno, we got connected through his podcast.

Well, we got connected through Pod Match. There’s just a whole program that we use. But I was lucky enough to go on his podcast and if you guys look behind on his, behind his right or left, I never know what the camera is. I don’t know how they turn you. [00:02:00] Behind his right. He is got that beautiful Red Hat and I was on his po, his podcast, which is that dad hat Shena Shenanigans podcast that I was on.

And he made me wear a hat, which was no problem because it was my girl dad hat and he made me explain it, which was really cool because then we got into the fact that Brent is also a girl dad of two daughters. Is that correct?

Brent Dowlen: That is right. My girls are the light of my life, man. I, I love it.

Oscar Pena: That’s right.

And, and it’s also cool because as we got to talking, so we were in the show, we gotta talking a little bit there post-show, I think because of the notes, not notes. I think because of the conversation that we had in the show, we were like, dude, so you’re a girl dad, I’m a girl dad, and this and that. And then also found out that you have been one.

Helping men be better for a long time. Two, you’ve been in the podcasting space and in the creator space for a long time [00:03:00] and you, I mean, you get into, man, when I talk to you, I’m like, dude, I’m gonna have to like, you know, start an account just so that I can start picking your brain. Tell us a little bit about you, brother.

Like you got a lot going on. You’ve been already helping a lot of men out. Try to be better like we’re doing here with a daughter podcast. So give us a little bit of, of Brent, what do you got going on? Oh

Brent Dowlen: man. This is the part where I suck at any kind of podcast because I am like the worst possible self-promoter ever.

I’m a men’s relationship and personal development coach. I’m a podcaster. I have four podcasts currently that I do. I’m a speaker, I’m an entrepreneur, I’m a podcast producer. I produce other shows besides my own, but I just truly have a passion for helping people grow. Like my whole life. It doesn’t matter what profession I was in, I ended up in a, in a kind of a coaching or a training position.

My last job in the corporate [00:04:00] world, I was. An IT guy, but I was also the head trainer for my entire division. I wrote all our SOPs. I trained all of our new coming new people. I went to other sites and mm-hmm. And onboarded and trained people to set up other sites. I’ve been a personal trainer in, in the military.

I was a squad leader early on. I just, I always end up in this crazy like. You’re gonna teach people something. So it’s like I finally, like, I’m a little thick. So it finally became pretty clear. God had to hit me with a brick a few times because I’m a little slow on the uptake. Right? I was like, all right, that’s, that’s the direction my life is going.

Let’s go do that. And that’s really,

Oscar Pena: it’s like, it’s like that, that apple, that apple falls on the chair, like, oh, now I get it. Yeah. In my

Brent Dowlen: case, it’s more like, God just smacked me with a brick really hard repeatedly. There you go. I said, I’m, I’m a little thick bro. I’m just like, I, I’m that guy who second guesses and logics myself out of everything.

Right? And so, yeah, I just, I started heading towards [00:05:00] this space and I’ve been doing this now, since 2020. I started my original show back in 2020. Fell in love with podcasting. Like, absolutely fell in love with podcasting. And I still speak at conferences here and there. And, I just, I fell in love with the podcasting space.

I hate social media, which is ironic as you know Yeah. In our professions. Right. But I hate social media, YouTube’s All right. But, you know, I, I really just, I love connecting with people and so, yeah. Yeah. Much to everybody’s just me. I started a sec fourth podcast just two weeks ago. Nice. But this is what I love to do.

But the only thing I love more than that is I love being a dad.

 

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Brent Dowlen: Like my whole life goal at 12 years old, my dad was a minister, so I, I went to a lot of funerals. I went to a lot of weddings, had some real right in your face, reality checks. Growing up young, because my dad was a minister, so I was at a lot of funerals and there was this reality in my life set in early, and it’s like if I die.

They can say I was a good husband and a good father, then my life will have been worthwhile. I figured that out [00:07:00] when I was 12 years old. So that’s been the goal. Like I dedicated all through my teenage years and junior high years, I was going to like marriage enrichment classes and stuff like that at like youth at church workshops and stuff like that.

Yeah, and I dedicated my life to relationships primarily. Wow.

Oscar Pena: Dude, you know, what I was doing at 12 knucklehead things, I had no clue that I would at some point have a amazing wife that has now put up with me for 22 years and three daughters like that’s. That’s such a crazy thing to even think about 12.

Like you’re obviously at 12. I’m not, I’m sure you’re not like buying wedding rings and like doing this thing, but just your thought process. Right. And, and you obviously had something good to, to emulate. ’cause that’s probably showing you that. Yeah, yeah.

Brent Dowlen: No my, my father was, I, I was blessed with truly amazing parents [00:08:00] who were deeply, my father was a minister for 40 some odd years.

Wow. His last year and a half of life was lived here with my family. My father had a major heart issue just eight years ago now. Found out we had a familial heart problem that none of us knew existed because it had just killed everybody off in the past and no one thought anything about a bunch of big men dropping dead from heart attacks.

It turns out we, we have a familial gene for the same thing that killed John Ritter years ago. He was which one was that? It’s a variation of Marfin’s syndrome, which Abraham Lincoln, everybody recognizes that, right? It’s got the skinny longer fingers. Interesting. But it actually has a problem with your heart.

You start to have aortic issues. Gotcha. So my dad actually had a aneurysm, blow blowout on his aorta. Goodness. In the middle of that goodness night, he survived. Like God smiled on him. Yeah, that’s a whole long story. But he [00:09:00] was,

Oscar Pena: isn’t that what they call the widow, the widow maker? I don’t know.

Brent Dowlen: I know my dad actually had the number one doctor in the world for this wow.

Oscar Pena: Just

Brent Dowlen: by the guy at the emergency room recognized what was going on and happened to know him, right?

Oscar Pena: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: But the guy told us that the surgery to correct this has an 80% mortality rate when it’s planned. Oh my goodness. Like it kills people. And my dad, his aorta ruptured, split five inches in the middle of the night, survived multiple hours before he got surgery.

11 hours on the table. Right. And we had him for five more years. Wow. And the doctor was like, I, I can’t explain this. And my brother looked at and I looked at him, he was like, God’s not done with him yet. My dad’s been preaching for 35 years. He’s not done yet, apparently. Yeah.

Oscar Pena: Wow.

Brent Dowlen: But yeah, it’s my dad passed away finally a couple feet from where we are in my studio.

My mom still lives with us, [00:10:00] but I had this amazing example and there was never any pre pretend that my parents were perfect. That was, I think that may have been most valuable thing we got. Is my parents had arguments, my parents had shouting matches from time to time. There were times I thought my mom was just gonna kill my dad in his sleep.

Like he drove her insane, right? They were not right the most like compatible people in the world, but they made it work every day. And so we were given this example, my wife and I are going on 24 years. Wow. Congratulations. And sadly that seems like a long time to people, but I grew up around people right, who were married 40 and 50 years.

Right? Yeah. Right. And we got to see that example of it takes work, like every day is a choice. Every day is hard work. It doesn’t ever stop being work. Yeah. But my parents made us a huge, made each other the number one priority, [00:11:00] and then made us priority too. Interesting. And I always knew that I was loved, I was always supported.

Even my darkest days, the worst moments of my life. Unconditional love. So, wow. Now I’m just trying to be half the man. My dad was

Oscar Pena: right. You, you got, you’ve got the big shoes to to step into, right? Literally

Brent Dowlen: size 13 and a half.

Oscar Pena: There you go. But now you get the chance, ’cause now you’re daughtered. I mean, you’ve been daughtered twice.

Tell us about that.

Brent Dowlen: Oh my goodness. So, so we went, we went old school, like we did not find out the sex of our children. Okay. Like we had no idea.

Oscar Pena: Oh, you’re crazy. That’s insane. That’s, dude, that’s sheer chaos. Like there’s no, there’s no way. Everybody

Brent Dowlen: was like, well, it’s gonna be a boy or a girl. I wanna know because we gotta shop.

I said, we’re going with a veggie tail theme. So it works either way. That was the plan. It was a vegetal theme works for boys and girls. We had no idea up until the moments our daughter over born. And that was, [00:12:00] man, I can remember it like I, it was like yesterday. My, my oldest is 13 and a half officially.

And my other daughter, Henley is now 11. She turned 11 in July. And I, I, I, you know, the, the old saying time is fleeting. Mm-hmm. I’m just like, dude bro. It was yesterday. It was, it was yesterday. She was right here and, and both of ’em were smaller. The oldest was three and a half weeks. We ended up in the hospital for a week ’cause she was three and a half weeks early and she couldn’t nurse on her own.

It exhausted her. So we were in the NICU for five days and my wife and I both stayed there the whole time in this tiny little, it’s not made to be two people. Yeah, right. My wife ended up with pneumonia. Purse both. Mm. Post birth because of it. ’cause we’re staying in this tiny little room 24 hours a day.

Mm-hmm. But it was, [00:13:00] it was life altering because this was, we waited really late, so, my wife was 30 when we got pregnant. I think I’d have to recount that we waited almost 14 years. I was 21 when we got married. We waited like 13 years. I think we were both in our thirties.

Oscar Pena: Have your kids.

Brent Dowlen: Yeah. And that was intentional to start with.

It’s like we, we both had committed to at least five years. ’cause like now we need five years for us to learn us what we look like, who we are as a couple, to establish that relationship. So when our kids get older, we, we existed before them, we’ll exist after them.

Oscar Pena: Yep.

Brent Dowlen: Right. And like that’s the number one kill off point people.

The biggest divorce rate at this point is after kids leave. Mm-hmm. Because people rush into kids and they don’t have an identity without their kids. Right. Right. So we weren’t gonna fall into that. And then it was, oh, we’re too [00:14:00] broke, we’re too poor. We can’t feed ourselves, we’re certainly not gonna bring a baby into the world.

And then it was, okay, well, we’ll, we didn’t actually start trying to have kids. It was, we’re gonna stop actively preventing it. Right? Yep. But man, it’s. I can’t believe it’s been 13 years. Every, like, it, it flies by really fast. And at the same time, it’s like every day I look forward to every day. Like I, my children are fascinating to me.

I can’t wait to hear what they have to say to see what they’re gonna do. Just sit and talk to them. It is, it is so exciting to me every single day. I, I’m fascinated, I’m enthralled with everything I do. Like my oldest daughter likes to draw, right? She, she’s super gotten into drawing and anime and she draws all the time.

We had to get her tattoo markers. Hmm. So she stopped driving with, drawing with regular ink on her own skin. I’m periodically spoke sporting new [00:15:00] temporary tattoos on my arms. Okay. Because she draws over me too. And, yeah. Yeah. And I’m okay with it because I’m just fascinated. I had someone who was like, do you get a new ta?

I was like, no, Abby did that. I’m not quite ready to hand her a tattoo gun yet, but that’s coming. Yeah, right. Practical market for a while it just took it easy. And then my youngest one is so empathetic, like she just loves to nurture people. Yeah. And is very outgoing. She’s, she’s somewhat of an extrovert.

My oldest is an like, I am seriously just. Fascinated by everything they do.

Oscar Pena: Yeah. Isn’t it crazy how quickly you become enamored with a stranger? I mean, I obviously they’re not strangers anymore. Right. But like, it’s I’ve always found it very, very interesting that, you know, mom carries ’em for nine months.

They, they, they feel them. They, they, they almost know. Right? They know them. But then, at least for me, man. [00:16:00] I just, when I, when I knew we were having a kid, it wasn’t like, oh, crazy, we’re having a kid. It was like sheer panic mode. Like, all right, how I’m gonna, how am I gonna feed them? How am I gonna protect them?

How am I, you know, all these different things I go through. Never like a feeling of connection, per se. ’cause again, I’m not, it’s, it’s another thing in my hand yet, right? Mm-hmm. But then the day of, the day of you’re just like, why do I like you so much? Like, what, what is it? You just got here. You, you’ve kept me up.

You’ve hurt your mother. Like, why do I even like you right now? And it’s, it is just the, it’s an insane feeling. I think I, I maybe just speaking for myself, but as a dude, it’s just an insane feeling. Like you, you love your wife, you’ve been with your wife, you have this relationship with her, but it’s still different.

Brent Dowlen: You chose her. What’s

Oscar Pena: that? Right. Exactly. Yeah. And, and they just, I don’t know man. They just I, I have to assume that having a [00:17:00] boy is similar, but, you know, I’m a girl that, so I’m biased and I’m, this is my lane and I’m just like, I mean, for me, girls have, have, my girls have just changed me. Like they, they straight up changed me.

Brent Dowlen: I’m a I, I’m a, I’m a Christian and you know, I believe everything is by design, but I’m actually always fascinated with some of the things that are by design. Do you know that when children are born, there’s actually a scent patch in the soft spot of their skull that is biochemically designed to bond them with you and I instantly, specifically with men?

I didn’t that No. It is biochemically designed to bond them with their father. It’s the only part of the body that distinctly has your biochemical markers.

Oscar Pena: Interesting. I didn’t know that. And it is

Brent Dowlen: for survival. It is. So that you know they are yours at smell. Right. ’cause your olfactory sense is actually much stronger connected to your brain.

It is a survival mechanism children are [00:18:00] designed with. Yeah. So men can identify this is mine, and instantly connect with them.

Oscar Pena: Right. It’s crazy. That’s nuts. That’s nuts. Mind blown people if you didn’t know that and your mind’s not blown. That’s insane. Right? It’s,

Brent Dowlen: it’s such a weird, I, ’cause we, we think as, as human beings, right?

We think we’re so evolved from animals. Yeah. But there are still some interesting biomarkers that we are designed with. That is one of ’em, right? My sister my sister teased me. ’cause you know, there are dominant genes, right? Disconnected ear lobes, certain colors of eyes. If your second toe is longer than your big toe, right?

That’s a, that’s a genetic abnormality, okay? If you had that and your child does not, is not your child. Not, it’s a genetically, that’s not dominant trait. And so my sister, my sister wasn’t in the state when my to daughter was born. That was the first question out her mouth. She’s [00:19:00] like,

Oscar Pena: what did her sons look like?

Right?

Brent Dowlen: She’s, she knows and my sister doesn’t trust anybody right off the cuff. And hadn’t spent much time with my wife before that, we had Abby and. So, yeah, that was the first question outta her mouth, like the second to is longer. Right? Because she knows that’s fun in our family. It’s right. But yeah, there’s these little things, these dominant genes that come through these biochemical things.

It’s like, and we don’t think about it because instantly the minute we catch that whiff, right, the minute we bring the baby close to our nose

Oscar Pena: right,

Brent Dowlen: and catch that scent, there’s actually a chemical reaction in our brain on our brains actually change as men and go into dad mode. The men, yeah.

Oscar Pena: You know what’s crazy as you say that and people are gonna probably hate me for saying this, but the baby’s not clean, per se, right?

It’s like it’s got blood and ambi fluid in there, like all these different things that if [00:20:00] you think about, like if you’re a hunter and you go and like cut meat and like, you know, harvest an animal, it, it doesn’t smell good, right? It doesn’t smell good. I don’t remember a single moment of my daughter once I had her in my hands.

’cause you know, they removed her from mom and they’re cleaning her up or whatever. That I, that I thought, Ugh, that’s nasty. Nope. Like, not a single time dude. And, and the thing is, again, at the, at the basic level, were mammals. So it should technically smell relatively the same. Nothing. Right.

Brent Dowlen: You got nuts.

It’s, it’s that survival mechanism God built in. It’s like, yeah. This is yours. And it’s funny ’cause when we brought my daughter home from the hospital, I had a big German shepherd time. I mean big. He was 130 pounds. If he stood on his hind legs, his feet front paw sat on my shoulders and he looked down at me.

Oh yeah, right. Okay. Big, beautiful, pure bred German Shepherd. I walked [00:21:00] in to our house, the dog hadn’t seen me in a week. Right. Dog runs over to see what all the commotion is. Of course. I dropped down on a knee, lowered my child in front of my dog. My dog sniffed it and looked up at me and I just growled and went mine, and the dog looked at me and it, I swear to God, it nodded a little bit and it walked away.

Oscar Pena: They give you the knot. All my dog

Brent Dowlen: sat at the edge of that child’s doorstep from that day on.

Oscar Pena: Yeah, I believe it.

Brent Dowlen: That was Dad’s, here I am. That’s crazy. And was fiercely protective of him, of course, until the day he died. So, yeah, it’s, it’s, there’s this base level, but it triggers this dad mode in our brains.

We’re terrified. We’re all terrified. I’ve never met a dad who was like, I’m gonna be such a great dad. He may say that before, but the minute that baby goes in your arms, you’re like, holy crap. I screw here.

Oscar Pena: Fear, bro. Yes. So

Brent Dowlen: [00:22:00] unprepared. And it’s,

Oscar Pena: and you know, and I’ve said this, I’ve said this many times on the, on the show.

And I just strongly believe it. Like, you know, I just, I’ve always been a knucklehead and never, like, fear itself just doesn’t scare me. Excuse me. Death itself doesn’t create fear in me. But when I held my daughter, that wasn’t, it wasn’t, it still wasn’t fear of death. It was fear of not being here.

Mm-hmm. Right. So there’s a difference. Like not really worried about how I go. I just don’t want to go now because of this. And I was doing some real knuckleheaded things prior to that. Like, like I would easily go jump outta planes and like do these other stuff that now I’m like, I, I, I still did it, but I had, I would second guess.

I’m like, ah, should I be doing this today? You know? And it was, again, it wasn’t the, the fear of dying. It was the fear of not being present. And around my child, you’re a military

Brent Dowlen: guy, right? So you understand being on mission. [00:23:00] Right? Yep. When you’re on mission, that’s where you are. Nothing else exists. You are on mission.

Oscar Pena: Right?

Brent Dowlen: The minute that baby was put in your hands, you were on mission, and now you have this innate fail. Fail fear of failing the mission. It’s not a fear of death because you would not think twice to die for those children of yours. Right? Right. It’s a. Fear of failing the mission that you instinctively know is now yours.

Right, right. Your job from that moment on is to make sure this child thrives.

Oscar Pena: Hey, if you enjoy the Daughter podcast, you’ll love what we’ve got waiting for you@daughterpodcast.com. As soon as you visit, you’ll be prompted to join our new email newsletter, a resource packed with valuable insights, practical tips, and powerful perspectives straight from our podcast episodes and incredible guests.

Don’t miss out on the chance to join the community and strengthen your journey [00:24:00] as a father. Visit daughter podcast.com today and subscribe because great dads never stop growing.

 And that’s, that’s crazy too, because you think about that for a minute and I always go back to figuring out one, like why we, I started this show, right? Because I’ve real, I realized I wasn’t. Prepared even after my daughter had already been here, like my second daughter got here and I’m like getting a little bit better.

But then finally my third daughter got here and it became apparent. I’m like, man, dude, I’m, I’m behind. I’m behind the curve. They’re to your point, they’re just growing. And I used to hate that too, by the way. I used to hate when they’re like, oh, it’s gonna go by so fast. Like, dude, like I dunno why? Like, because everybody, everybody tells you, right?

Everybody tells you. And then now I look at my 13-year-old and I’m like. What the hell, like, I like almost like a blink, right? You look at, you look at them and you see their, their little tiny, you know, body that you just [00:25:00] picked up from the hospital. Mm-hmm. But now they’re like 13 and you’re like, what happened?

What, what did I do or didn’t do to get to this point? Because that’s crazy. Like, how, how did I not stop time and like, how do I, and really all that means is, at least in my eyes, all that means is I know that I’ve missed opportunities and I’ve missed. Moments and I’ve missed time. Mm-hmm. Right? And I, you know, we all have to work, we have to do these things, but it’s that purposeful time.

I’ve missed time when I’m home that I haven’t actually given, if that makes any sense. Right. That actual presence of time. And I think that’s why I hate when people say that, oh, it’s gonna go by so fast, or, I used to hate that. Now. I was just in someone’s podcast not too long ago, and they’re like, what?

What would you say? I’m like, dude, presence, man. Be present. Find ways to be present. If all you have 10 minutes, drop the phone, get the computer away, [00:26:00] and just do 10 minutes of like 100% presence. ’cause that that’s gonna, it’s gonna be fleeting so fast.

Brent Dowlen: See? But I can tell, like, I’ll tell you, and, and all the men listening.

The very fact that you don’t feel that you are up to the task that you, that you still are like, I’ve got so much work to do. Oh my gosh, how do I not have this figured out for three kids? That proves you’re a good dad like that. That’s the money shot guys, right there is if you ever actually get to a point as a father where you figure like you’ve gotta all lock and totally figure it out, then you’ve stopped growing or trying to grow for your kids,

Oscar Pena: right?

You’ve gotten there, right? Yeah. It’s, it’s

Brent Dowlen: not a, it’s not a place. Yeah. I am dumber, I think 13 years into my oldest kid’s life than I was when she was born. Right. Every day it’s like,

Oscar Pena: oh yeah.

Brent Dowlen: I had, I had decades of working with teenage girls. Now that mine is a teenager, I’m actually really like, excited about it, but at the same [00:27:00] mm-hmm.

It’s like, I feel like none of the previous couple decades of working with teenagers. I prepared you. I’m a nude. And it’s like, dude, I’ve got two decades of working with teens, dealing with teenage girls and pre-teen girls all the time. And I’m still like, I got so much work to do. There’s so much I gotta figure out.

Oscar Pena: And I think that’s the saying that, that goes around the, you, you’ll catch me so often on, on like Instagram or something. Right? It’s, and it’s true. It’s hard if you care. Mm-hmm. Because you’ve met those parents like, oh, it’s easy. I’m like, really? What are you talking about? If you’re, if you’re doing the work, it’s, it’s not, it’s not an easy task, and it should be the most difficult task.

You’re, you’re raising other humans, man. You’re, you’re hopefully striving to raise them good, right? Raise good, decent, kind humans that can also protect the, you know, [00:28:00] the. The unprotected and I, you, I mean, you put in your ideas, you’re doing all these things and, and you don’t even know how to do it yourself.

You’re just, you know, that it’s, it’s gotta happen. And I think that’s, that’s the anxiety, I guess of like the blind leading the blind like we’re talking about. It’s like, all right, well I have a teenage girl. Well, first of all, I was never a teenage girl, right? I always thought teenage girls were nuts.

And now. I gotta figure out how to help her maneuver through being a teenage girl. Well, of worse, keep in mind, my wife is still here and I constantly look over, I’m like, what are we doing now that it’s worse as a

Brent Dowlen: dad? Right? ’cause what do, what do we actually know about teenage girls? Well, we used to date them.

I, our perspective on girls up until the point, one of one of the guys I, I had a privilege of working with over the course of two different companies over, I think we worked together for almost 10 years, over two different companies. But he was a really young guy compared [00:29:00] to me. And I had the privilege in that time period to watch him meet his girlfriend, fall in love with her mm-hmm.

And have kids. Right. And when I first met him, like he didn’t want to, like, we started talking about our kids and he is like running outta the room and he wanted nothing to do with that. He was like 20, 21, 20 2-year-old kid. To watch him actually have his first kid, like the change in his personality, the change in his perspective on the world is huge.

But I’ll never forget, he, I came into work one day and he’s like, looking distant. He sat right next to me at work. I’m like, bro, what’s up? Because he just like looked totally distant and, and he, he’s like, I was like, dude, are you okay? What’s going on? He’s like, Katie’s pregnant again. I was like, congratulations, man.

That’s amazing news. He’s like, it, it’s a girl. And instantly I understood the look on his face ’cause he had a little boy. I said,

Oscar Pena: right,

Brent Dowlen: and every man in the world sucks and is a creep. Right. And you’re terrified. He’s like, how the hell do you sleep at night? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, [00:30:00] I know, bro, dude.

Because now you’re thinking about all the scum little boy you were, and now you’re looking different. You, you,

Oscar Pena: you watch like shows and movies different. You listen to music different. You, dude, I was just talking to someone about this. I used to listen to NWA and dude, if you like, I put it on not too long ago.

Put it on. I was like, whoa, who the hell listens to this? That’s someone’s daughter. Like instantly, like it was the first stop. Right? And it’s crazy because everything feels like I have to protect them from, and I’m talking about like all of our societal things, like songs. Or music tv. Mm-hmm. Like all these different things that are just influencing, influencing.

And I’m like, man, how do I, how do I do this? I, it’s crazy. And that’s how I felt it was even overwhelming [00:31:00] originally. Mm-hmm. Right. But as I’ve grown and, and I always tell my 13-year-old, like, I’m growing with her. ’cause to your point, like I, I don’t know how to, I don’t know what to do next minute. Like we’ll figure it out, but I don’t know what to do the next minute.

Right. As I grow, and I’m like, all right. It’s not so much me protecting them from that because that’s, that’s there like the horrible messages in the music and the TV and the movie. Like, it’s all there. It’s just, you know, how do I emulate what I think I want her to respect of me, right? As a man, as a, as a, as a husband, right?

20, 22 years of marriage, it ain’t easy. But how do I show her? My appreciation for her mom is bigger than ever. Right. Because of all the things that she does. And so all those things is, the mindset’s changed. The mission’s still the same, but the, the, essentially the target is a little bit mm-hmm. Different.

Brent Dowlen: Mm-hmm. Well, and you, you bring up the way you show her, by the way you treated her mom and you are deeply onto it right there. [00:32:00] That is one of the things that is one of our jobs as dads, how we treat. Their mom is crucial. Even, even in homes where, you know, you’ve got a divorce, right? How you treat their mom as an ex, it matters because whether things work between you and your ex.

I have, I have a deep appreciation for a friend of mine. They’re divorced, he’s remarried now. She’s remarried, but their son is theirs, right? Despite everything they have co-parented well together, it, it is been very amicable. He still treats her with a great deal of respect. They have joint mm-hmm.

Events for him. And share him well, despite the fact is now a super blended family. And it’s one of the things I have to commend him on ’cause it’s like

he’ll know how he’s supposed to treat his wife. Right. [00:33:00] ’cause of the way you have treated his mother. Your daughters will know how they’re supposed to be treated by the way you treat their mother. And that that is one of the, having a healthy relationship with your spouse is probably one of the most important things you can do for your kids, especially for your daughters.

Mm-hmm. Because you were setting the bar for what they will tolerate, what they will expect, what they’re gonna get out of life. Mm-hmm. And. It’s really like that. That was, that was my first thought is like, oh my God, I have to become Superman now. Right? Yeah. The first initial panic is, oh my God, how am I gonna pay for all this?

Right?

Oscar Pena: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: The first thing that jumped to mind is how do I, how do I finance and pay for the fact that we now have a child, but right the next, mm-hmm. Leap for me was how do I become Superman? Like in reality, how do I become Superman? Because my job right now for the rest of their lives is to. Set the bar ridiculously [00:34:00] high.

The way I treat their mother, the way I live my life, the way I treat them. This will set the bar for their expectations, for the relationships, for the rest of their life. And that is a tremendous weight that you start carrying as dad is like, yeah, if my daughter is tolerating some guy being a punk or slapping her around, that’s on me.

I set that example. Yeah. ’cause if I set the example, well he, she may end up going out with a jerk at some point. Right. He may hit her, but he’s gonna only get her hit her once because Right.

Oscar Pena: It’s gonna regret that. Yeah. A

Brent Dowlen: she’ll walk away when whether she tells dad or not, she’ll instantly know. She does not ever have to tolerate that and should not.

Oscar Pena: Yeah,

Brent Dowlen: yeah, yeah. Right. So every day it’s like, super Dad, you gotta have, you gotta figure out how to put on the tights every day. Yeah. Right. Every decision you make,

Oscar Pena: but that’s a, [00:35:00] that’s a little bit of a doozy conversation too. And I’m learning this now, right? Up until, up until like 10 years old, you are the superhero.

Like, you can do no wrong. You’re, you’re the strongest, you’re the fastest, you’re the, all the things. Right? And you mentioned. How you take care of their or yeah, how do you take care of their mother and and of them and all, and the things around you, but then how do you take care of yourself, right? Because at some point, at some point your kid’s gonna realize, oh, actually my dad is not Superman.

He’s just another human. And how did we do that? How do we take care of ourselves? And then how do we come across as human to our daughters? Because we have to make sure that they know, yeah, we’re human, we’re here. Right. But at some point, like the one thing, the one I saw ultimately was like it said at some point your kids are gonna figure out who you actually are.

Mm-hmm. And that really got me because I’m like, that’s very true. My daughter and I, my [00:36:00] oldest will have these different conversations now where I think she’s trying to figure me out. Right? And, and then I am, and I’m glad. But it makes me wonder like, have I lived those values? Have I taken care of myself?

The way that they see that someone should. Mm-hmm. And like I started questioning all those steps to now and I’m like, man, I don’t, I don’t know. And at first it was more of not hiding it, but just not showing my full self to her. And now it’s, it’s, it’s way easier and more prudent to just be like, listen, let me tell you how I skewed this up real quick.

Mm-hmm. Right. Let me apologize to you or let me go apologize to your sister or what, what have you. Right? And, but it’s, it’s more of, they’re watching all the things that you do. They’re listening to all the things that you do, and to your point of your little [00:37:00] one, if they’re real empathetic, they’re feeling all the things that you do.

And that’s huge, right? Because my, my middle girl is just like that. She feels when I start getting irritated, like she’ll tell me before I even realize I’m irritated. She’s like, is everything all right? And so all the things that I’m talking about is how are we coming across and how are we taking care of ourselves so that we show up best?

Brent Dowlen: So that, I mean, that’s a really deep question because that, I think. All dads will struggle with that over the course of being a dad. Right. You’re always trying to figure out how to find that balance. Yeah. How do I get my workouts in and, and as men, the first thing we give up is dads, the first thing we give up is taking care of ourselves.

Oh

Oscar Pena: yeah.

Brent Dowlen: I mean, that, that’s the first thing out the window to make more time.

Oscar Pena: Yep.

Brent Dowlen: And it’s, it’s an ongoing process. Right. I wanna say that there is perfection to it, but like. Every dad finds their [00:38:00] way it, because once you realize how important it is to maintain, oh, I need to maintain my health. Oh, I need to make sure I’m still learning things right.

You start cutting where you can. Yep. And that’s the first thing I try and tell dads is, the first thing you need to do is cut stuff. A lot of guys try to add, well, I’ll do this or I’ll take on this habit, and that isn’t screwing up really bad. You start looking for things you can cut, right? Start looking for the, how much time do I spend watching this show?

How much time do I spend doing needless, tedious tasks that don’t actually have any value? Mm-hmm. Then you start looking at what can you outsource, right? Because you don’t want to, if it’s not. Moving the needle the direction you want to go, but it still has to be done. Yep. Is that something you can outsource?

Right. I’m always looking at what can I get somebody else to do? And you know, if you have the [00:39:00] financial means, there are a lot of answers for that. Oh yeah. If you don’t, then you will have to get more creative. But like, I’m the first person awake in my house. I’m awake two hours before anybody else.

Right. Every day. And I have been for years. I go to bed. As soon as I put my children down

Oscar Pena: mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: I, I strictly put my kids down between eight 30 and nine, which they think is really unfair. Being 11 and 13.

Oscar Pena: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: But that consistency at bedtime, that’s a whole, whole nother conversation that is so good for your kids.

But that is one of the ways I started making more time to take care of those things, right? Mm-hmm. I stopped going to the gym. And so I have the benefit of, I used to be a personal trainer. I actually tried to start a gym. I was gonna start a mobile training service to start with. And in my area, it’s just not practical.

Mm-hmm. There’s just not the demand for that service here.

Oscar Pena: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: But I also bought a bunch of strongman gear for conference I used to host. Right. And we had a strongman competition during it. [00:40:00] And so I’ve got a bunch of strongman stuff in my backyard. But really you need some weight plates and some bars.

Right, right. But I stopped going to the gym. I started working out at home.

Oscar Pena: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: And then I started dragging my kids out with me.

Oscar Pena: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: Right. How do I get time with them and still take care of myself? Well, I start making that part of family time,

Oscar Pena: right.

Brent Dowlen: And I’ll get my wife out there and my kids, and they’re out there working out with me.

Right. I got videos of me teaching my kids how to deadlift and how to bench press and how to squat. Right. My 11 and 13-year-old out there doing squats with a 70 pound squat bar. Nice. The 11-year-old can hold the squat bar. She no way yet. But she can hold the squat bar.

Oscar Pena: Right, right.

Brent Dowlen: But I make it a part of them.

They see me, even if they don’t wanna work out with me, they’ll come out and hang out in the yard while I’m working out.

Oscar Pena: Yep.

Brent Dowlen: And like there’s, like, I hit a big lift. They’re like, yeah, go down. Right. Yeah, you’re right. You have to start working them. As much as a dad, you have to work into their world. You also have to work them into your [00:41:00] world.

Yeah. Because you’re an adult.

Oscar Pena: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: And they have to understand there are things that they’re gonna have to get into their lives. Right. And so you set that as part of your example of how to do it all right? Mm-hmm. My kids, my, my daughter walked in the other day and I was praying and she waited till I was done praying because I had just finished reading my scripts in the Bible.

Mm-hmm. And spent some time praying because. It’s important that they see that that’s important to me. Mm-hmm. And that’s part of my life. It’s important as them see me go out in the backyard. Right. And I don’t have a bench, dude. I lay on the dirt and do floor press. There you go. Because I don’t have a bench, right?

Yeah. I got a bar, don’t have a bench. Right. But my kids see me out there and they see me dripping sweat. Like, I’m, I’m, I’m one of those truly sick people who loves to workout. Yeah. Like I love the pain. Yeah. I love squats. They’re my favorite things. I want to be dying at the end of every workout. Right.

I always look heavy, and so I take them out so they can see that part of me. That’s [00:42:00] part of who I am. They see me sitting here reading books. My daughter walks with me enough. She’ll get up with me sometimes to go for a walk, two mile walk at four o’clock in the morning. Now that she’s a teenager, she doesn’t do that as much as she used to.

Yeah, right. But like, two years ago we were doing a fundraiser for Stop Soldier Suicide. Mm-hmm.

Oscar Pena: It

Brent Dowlen: was the 50 mile ruck March challenge, which is nothing if you’ve been in the military, but you know, for a, she was 12 at the time. Yeah. So putting on a 15 pound ruck. Yeah. At four o’clock in the morning and going two to four miles was She was a trooper.

We got there. Yeah. We had one day where we did nine miles. We were getting to the end of the month and we had a couple bad days of weather. Yeah. And so we had to make up some lost time. We cracked out nine miles. She did it with 15 pounds on her back.

Oscar Pena: Trooper. Holy. Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Right. We had a long day.

Oscar Pena: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: But we crushed it out.

Got it done in a reasonable amount of time. We were averaging, I wanna say 17 minute miles would wait. Right. Dang. [00:43:00] Just walking and talking. It’s moving for

Oscar Pena: her dude.

Brent Dowlen: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well that’s the thing, right? She’s not even in my height, so she’s, she’s moving faster than that for sure. Yeah. But I make them part of that world with me so they can see Dad cares about taking care of himself.

Mm-hmm. When I get off my diet, I tell ’em I’m off my diet and. I’m feeling it and I need to drop weight or I need to, right. I am just upfront so they can see it’s part of life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It’s part of everyday choices and they can see the struggle to get it in. Mm-hmm. I want them to see that it takes extra time, it takes extra intention on my part.

Right. To get those things in. But I put it on my calendar, like I put them on my calendar. Right. And that’s the secret is if you’ve gotta work on yourself. Oh yeah. You can’t pour out of an empty cup, but to make it work with having kids, you gotta work them into it. Yeah. If they’re not part of it, then then they’re gonna fight you.

You’re gonna struggle with that [00:44:00] time. If they’re with you on it, then it’s still a family event. Yeah. They don’t care. They just wanna be with you anyway. Right, right. So make it a family thing. Yep.

Oscar Pena: And it’s it, and it changes the way that you show up, right? Because the whole point, as we mentioned, is intentionality.

Are we, are we showing up intentionally? And you don’t have to be perfect all the time. Alright? And that’s one thing that I like to reiterate. Like I, I’m on this platform, man. I am far, far from a perfect dad. Like far from perfect debt. I literally am on this platform to learn. From fathers right. To see their perspective, to see their experiences and see what I can take away because I want to show up better.

But what you’re doing is you, you’re, you’re influencing the way that you’re showing up for them. And that’s good because I know for me, I’m, I’m the same if, if I’m not getting consistent workouts. And it sounds selfish, but it’s like that is the way that I take care of myself and I’m able to show up [00:45:00] better and my and my wife will tell you there’s times where we’re just busy and I just didn’t make the time and I didn’t prioritize, and then I’ll come home or we’re doing something.

She’s like, you know what? Go work out. Because she knows like, just go work out. Like we need you to go do that first and then come over here. And she knows that. Mm-hmm. That’s because I haven’t taken care of myself. I haven’t, you know, put in the time, I haven’t woken up early or making the time to do those things because we, you know, for whatever reason, we all get busy.

And like you mentioned, our, our minds go and let’s face it, it’s hard to get up in the morning and what have you. Right. But it’s ultimately what we owe them. Yeah. We owe them a dad that shows up. And wants to be there. And it’s, and present and, and mindful of how they show up. Like all those, like, we owe that to them.

So, that’s the way I look at it. Like, yep. When, when my wife tells me that I don’t even, you know, [00:46:00] you could probably take ego to it and start acting like a Divo, but it’s like, yeah, okay, you’re right. I’ll be right back. Let me, let me go push some weight, get some some sweat out. And and I, you know, and sure enough I come back and I’m like, I tell my wife like, thank you.

I needed that. I didn’t realize that at the time, but I needed that. And so yeah, you’re, you’re showing them the importance of taking care of yourself and I think, like you said, it’s on your schedule and they see it and they know it’s not at the most convenient times. And maybe they don’t fully concept that.

Right now, but as, as they grow, they’ll realize like, oh, dad had to wake up early, because the rest of the day takes over sometimes and if he doesn’t get it in the, the rest of the day takes over. And that’s just what it is. I mean,

Brent Dowlen: it’s my, my kids have had the benefit of seeing me have to go outside in the backyard and push iron at a hundred plus degrees.

Yeah. Because I didn’t get to it first thing in the morning.

Oscar Pena: Yep.

Brent Dowlen: It felt later in my schedule. And so they have seen me out there laying in the dirt at 103 degrees. [00:47:00] Pushing iron and just suck in life. Yeah. But this is one of those great opportunities because dads have a unique ability as fathers. Right.

Kids thrive best with moms and dads. Right. That’s, that’s just a fact. There are gonna be people who are gonna complain about that, but there it is just a fact. Right. Because moms and dads bring something unique, and one of the unique things Dad brings dad is the enabler. Dad is the one who convinces the child that they can, that they are capable, that they are resilient, that they can get back up, that they can push themselves harder.

That really comes predominantly from the dad. Mm-hmm. And so every time they see you struggle with something like that, that they, they see you are hating life and pushing hard. And it was like, daddy’s gotta get in because I’m a better daddy for you and I do. Right. When they see you suffer, when they see you push, it tells them.

It’s like, man, I can [00:48:00] do that.

Oscar Pena: Yeah,

Brent Dowlen: I can do so much more. Dads are the ones who make you believe in yourself. I’m not saying that moms don’t have some effect, but science has taught us predominantly. But that is neurologically where that comes from, and so every time they see you working hard, every time they see you struggling and pushing yourself.

Mm-hmm. You know, you’re fighting to keep functioning, but you keep showing up and you keep doing it. Right. You’re teaching your kids to be resilient. Yeah. You’re teaching them. They have a depth. When my daughter was playing basketball, that was something we were, we were walking every morning for training.

We’d walk and we’d do some jogging, but mainly we were doing a lot of walking, some weighted walking with some rug packs, and because she realized she performed better when we were doing that. Mm-hmm. Right. One of the things I taught her was, one of the things that the military taught me was, your mind forces you to quit so much sooner than your body [00:49:00] actually needs to quit.

Right. And she, like, her teammates would get so confused. They’d ask her, it’s like, why is your dad screaming? Dig, dig. Right. And that was what I would yell. So she would hear it and realize like, no, I’ve got a whole nother gear. You got more?

Oscar Pena: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: I’ve got more in me. I can keep pushing. Right. But we talked about that.

We learned that when we were walking, doing this Rug mark challenge. Mm-hmm. Right. Understanding that truth. And then we started applying it to basketball. ’cause that’s what she likes to play. Yeah. Right. Is you, you think you’re tired, you’re not actually.

Oscar Pena: You gave her that confidence to realize that she has the abilities to do whatever she, if, if she pushes right.

If she, if she knows that she knows what amount of work is gonna come through. So definitely learning, learning that from you right then and there. Yeah, man. Well, it’s clear to me that I, that you’re driven to thrive, coincidentally, that is the [00:50:00] company name, right. And it’s a podcast. Yeah. I mean, what, what a, what a way to.

What a better way to show that through your actions in your life than with your daughters. That’s, that’s amazing, man. I know we’re getting closer on time here. With all of your experience, you know, helping men be better and now your experience as a daughtered father leave us with something that you think that all men with daughters should consider.

As they get into this life, right? So that young, that young dad that you mentioned is like putting their head on their, their hands on their head and just thinking, I, I got a girl coming. Like, what, what am I gonna do? Right? That’s the dad you’re talking to. What, what, what would you say to him?

Brent Dowlen: You are everything that she will absolutely need. You won’t ever feel like it. [00:51:00] You’ll never feel like you are enough, but you are everything she will ever need because you’ll always rise to whatever she needs. Whether you have it in you now or not, you’ll always rise up to that level. You have it, you just don’t know it yet.

Right? But you are everything she needs.

Oscar Pena: Absolutely, dude. That’s awesome. That is great. Great advice. And the nice thing too, especially now as we grow as a community, is that there’s, there’s ways to get what you need when you realize you need it. And if you find these communities of men who are trying to grow and trying to be better all the time, you are gonna give your, your daughters, your kids.

The best possible father. So, absolutely. I, I, I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s, [00:52:00] that’s amazing. And oh, by the way, I couldn’t agree with you more on the other part too. I don’t ever feel like I’m doing well enough. I don’t ever feel like I’m enough. But you’ll be surprised. Your daughters will tell you slowly but surely at the most weirdest times, they’ll let you know.

Brandman it has been an absolute pleasure talking to you. I know that we could probably do this again and hopefully I can, I can lure you back in at some point. But I just so grateful for you to come on and share your perspectives and experiences with us. And again, thank you so much.

Brent Dowlen: It’s an absolute pleasure, man. Thanks for having me.

Oscar Pena: Alright guys. I hope that, this really kicked in because Brent brought a lot of that good wisdom to us, and I know I, I wrote my notes down to start implementing. So hope you enjoyed, please share this with someone out there and we will catch you on [00:53:00] the next one.

Brent Dowlen: This has been the Daughtered podcast with Oscar Pena. Be sure and share this show with a friend. Like subscribe, follow us on social media and leave us a review for everything, girl. Dad, head over to daughteredpodcast.com. That’s Daughteredpodcast.com.