Anil Gupta: Becoming Unignorable The Art of Authentic Masculinity

Anil, I I have a, a deeper question for you. So I, I think one of the modern crises that men focus on, I, I’m saying this wrong, lemme try this again. I think one of the modern crises in the world of men right now is we have a habit of focusing on things we don’t have. Or even worse, we focus on what other people have, uh, which has become really prevalent with social media, right?

This whole comparison idea and that we’ve started to develop this Someday syndrome, as in, I’ll be happy someday win, or I’ll be good enough win someday. You know, and we’ve got this, I, this focus is not helping us, I think. Do you have any thoughts on how to start shifting away from this outside focus of what other people do, what other people have, or when I get there to being more present and focused in today?

Yeah. Really it’s around gratitude. Um, focused on what you have rather than what you don’t have. You know? Um, we were talking earlier on the show, um. I, I’ve got this, uh, cast and, you know, um, on Monday I fell down. I, I looked at my hand. I knew it was broken, but I was only upset for 10 seconds and I was so grateful.

Do you know why? Why? It was my left hand. They hit my pickleball hand so I can play. You know, a lot quicker, you know, if it was, then I would be very upset. So, you know, gratitude is a muscle. We don’t practice it enough. We don’t focus on gratitude. We focus on what’s missing, what am I trying to get to?

Where am I trying to get at? What am I trying to bring back into my life? And as you said, you know, be present. To what you have, be present to the gifts that you know, you’ve been given. Your hands, your skin. You know, I, I can’t even lift a, uh, a paper, uh, a piece of paper with this hand, and it’s all connected.

So any, any movement, sometimes I do here, it’s painful there. I can’t get out of bed, you know, it takes me a while. Putting on this shirt took me seven minutes today, you know, so, and we just take everything for, so granted. And I remember a time I was in, in India, I had to get up early in the morning and like four o’clock in the morning I got up and I, I saw a man across the road sleeping in the streets and he was so happy.

And I thought, why? Why is he, he has nothing. But he was present. He was grateful that he was still alive and he knew that he was gonna do something during the day. So it’s, it’s a being not a doing. A lot of people are trying to do gratitude, but you have to be gratitude.

You have to be gratitude. Uh, can you, can you delve a little bit deeper onto how do you be gratitude?

A

being is a, is a state, so instead of, uh, doing love, you know. Doing stuff that makes your wife happy, that’s a doing. But being love is like, it’s a much deeper level, you know? So when you are with your daughter, you are being love, aren’t you? You are not doing anything to please her. You’re just being love.

You’re giving her love. You’re, you are vibrating at love. Your vibrating a beautiful energy. That’s the being a lot of people are doing. Oh, let me. Do that, and then she’ll do that for me. Oh, let me do that, and then they’ll do that for me. So it’s transactional. You know, mother Theresa, she, she was being loved.

Okay? So it’s a being not a doing, you know, a doing is doing is is an action in order to receive something back. But, you know, a rock is a rock, you know? Uh, a lion is being a lion when it tries to eat you. It’s not that it’s vicious. It just wants to eat food. It doesn’t matter where, so it’s just being a lion.

It’s not doing a lion. It’s being a lion in the animal kingdom, 99.99, nine times they’re just being themselves. You know, a a a deer is a deer, a buffalo. As a buffalo, a giraffe is a giraffe. But in our society, there’s a pretense. We dunno who we are.

Okay. I that, that’s pretty deep.

No, no, I, I love it because I’ve long, long had to explain. I, I grew up around, I, I’ve had the pleasure of living in all different areas of the United States. So like, I went to high school in Wyoming and we’d be up in the mountains and run into moose are big cats like mountain lions or bobcats and stuff like this.

And I worked on a ranch and I learned early on it’s like. I can’t be mad at the bobcat that keeps trying to hit my herd. Right? ’cause we had, we had, uh, cattle and sheep and, uh, we had this bobcat. Man, that thing, like coyotes in the area or wild dogs would spook the herd. And we know, like they were in the area, the whole herd would be spooked.

Bobcats are stealth assassins. They could walk into the middle of the flock and take a brand new lamb without ever causing a stir at all. I’m just in out, wow. Lamb is gone. Um, and I was so frustrated ’cause we lost lamb and the rancher I worked for was like, yeah, well it sucks. We lost the ram that are the lamb.

Because you can’t get mad at Bobcat for being a bobcat. Right. This is the food chain. Just this is the way it works. The animal is not malicious, it’s not evil. It’s like that bastard bobcat. I’m pissed. ’cause And he’s like a bobcat’s. It’s just doing what a bobcat does. Right? Mountain lion does what? A shark.

A shark does what a shark does. And if you live around sharks, you either learn to live with them or you, you move on. Uh, yeah. When I lived in Florida, we learned there were, there were alligators. And you learn to be aware. I lived in places with rattlesnakes and now I, I get people out with me and they’re like, aren’t there rattlesnakes out here?

I was like, well, yeah. They’re like, doesn’t, and, and it freaks them out and it’s like, oh, you live in a place that doesn’t have them. Got it. Okay. You know, when you live with it, you understand the snake’s not evil. The snakes just does, the snake’s gonna do exactly what a snake does. A shark’s gonna do what a shark does.

And so this idea of being love. As opposed to, and just, just being what love is as opposed to trying to show love that it, it’s a really deep thought, but it’s also a really basic I concept that is bigger than a lot of us put our minds around sometime, I think.

Yeah. Really. And you know, um, the other distinction around, uh, wildlife is that when a Lion eats.

He sees you. He, he’s not gonna get greedy. He’s, he, he has enough. And what if we applied that to our lives? When is enough? Enough?

Mm. This is gonna be a good conversation, guys. We’re, we’re, we’re gonna get into some really, really big steps here. Uh. We will be back with more from Anil Gupta.

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Now on with the show, the Driven 2 Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving, purpose-filled intentional lives. Welcome to The Driven 2 Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men. I’m your host, Brent Dowlen, and we help men go from living to thriving, purpose-filled intentional lives.

My guest today is Anil. Gupta Anil. Welcome to The Driven 2 Thrive broadcast.

Uh, thank you for having me on your show. We’re here to give your, your listeners and your viewers amazing content that’s practical, impactful, and immediate.

I love it. You, you’ve got this down, man, and we, we had such a great conversation.

You guys missed the show. Anil was on the dad hat shenanigans podcast as well. It’s already out and available and that was. Fantastic conversation about being dads, uh, that you guys all link that down in the show notes so you guys can follow us over there on that one, uh, and join that conversation. I really enjoyed that.

So I know today is gonna be incredible. Anil, I don’t do big introductions, so in your own words, today, in this moment,

I have a gift that will remove the obstacles that are preventing you from leading, richer, fuller, happier lives. We need a toolbox. We need a toolkit. We need tools to enable us to overcome the situations that inevitably happen in our lives.

Forgiveness, letting go. Communication, anxiety, stress, love, acceptance. These things we’ve never been taught. And once you master this, you master life instead of letting life run you, you, you can run life, you can curate and create a brand new life just by the decisions you make today.

Neil, what? What do you do for profession?

I am the last relationship expert. You ever need to meet. Meaning, you know, once you come to me, all your relationship issues, communication issues are gonna disappear. And that’s a guarantee. That’s what I do

guys. I’m short cutting my own profession here. Having you talked to Neil. I’m in trouble now.

Big trouble.

Oh man. Oh well, that’s okay. Honestly, I, I’m more interested in people having successful, thriving relationships than making a paycheck, which is probably why I’m bad at business. But, uh, this conversation is gonna be fantastic for that. What does, is there any reference people need to understand about you before we just move forward in the show?

Um, just listen to the conversation. There is gold in the words that we’re gonna be sharing with you today. Um, they’re powerful, they’re proven, and they’re immediate. And you might have to wash it three or four times because there’ll be golden nuggets. So please listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

Now Anil, we, we started with talking about being more present and being love, actually like embodying it and being there. And I wanted to start there because today as we’re diving into living richer, fuller, happier lives. I think we needed to start with the idea of getting our focus back into the moment, into being us, and to being what we need to be as opposed to having that external focus, which is why I wanted to start with that part of the conversation as we move into richer, fuller, happier lives there.

There are so many pieces because I think at a deep seated level, a lot of us feel unworthy. No matter what we say externally to people, I mean a lot of men, myself included, right? I’m really good at talking in big games like, oh yeah, blah, blah, blah. If you talk to me, I’m like the most confident, outgoing, like, oh yeah, I’m, I’m my biggest fan.

But in reality, I know that’s something I’ve had struggles with throughout my whole life is actually, I can say that, but actually feeling. Worthwhile. Like, I deserve to be happy that I deserve a full life. And so I, I wanna start there today with a lot of men won’t say it out loud, but there are a lot of men struggling with feeling like they deserve to be happy.

Really?

Yeah. Worthiness is a big issue. And, uh, we can destroy that in four minutes.

Uh, that’s so,

uh, so, uh, I’m, I’m just looking for a, something here. So imagine this is a hundred dollars note. How much is it worth? A hundred? Yeah. Yeah. And if I say to the note, you, you, you are useless. You’re a failure.

You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, uh, you’ll never succeed. How much is it worth? It’s still worth a hundred dollars. So no matter what you say to this a hundred dollars notes, it always retains its value. Now you are the equivalent, the highest denomination note in the country. Matter what anyone says to you, no matter what happens to you, you are always worthy.

Now here, here’s the other distinction. That hundred dollar note is actually priceless. Because wherever it goes, it brings a hundred dollars worth of value. I’ll give it to you for a hundred dollars worth of value. You give it to Walmart for a hundred dollars of value, they give it to someone else for a hundred dollars of value.

So it, it brings value wherever it goes. And ladies and gentlemen, I know there are ladies listening. You bring value wherever you go. Think of the joy you brought to the world even before you were born. Think about that. Think about that. You know, when, when you knew you were gonna have a a, a baby, you were so happy, you know, the day you heard that, you know, your wife was pregnant.

Oh yeah. Absolutely. My life.

Even before they were, uh, uh, you know, born, they brought. So don’t ever forget you are worthy. What other people think of you is none of your business.

That is the quickest summation that I’ve ever heard that that is incredible. Uh, that is such a succinct answer.

It’s so powerful. This is what I said to the lead, uh, uh, readers and viewers earlier on. Listen up. There’s no fluff here. We don’t need fluff. We don’t need to embellish anything. We’re just gonna give you the data and the tools and the methodologies and the protocols and the systems that will just change your life basically.

Now there, there are two more pieces I think that really interfere with this. And one of those is right. First, we feel inadequate to live that better life, right? When we go from we, we’ve addressed feeling unworthy. We run into feeling in inadequate. That we are not capable of living our best life, of living a life that we’re joyful to live.

Yeah. And you know, uh, uh, part of the problem is this, as men, we’re always doing things for other people. We’re protecting them, guiding them, saving them, fixing them, being there for them. But we have to look at after ourselves first. Look after your health, your mental health, your physical health, your emotional health.

Go do stuff that you love to do. Fill yourself up first so that you can help other people. Just like the oxygen masks are down, we make a difference, but we have to look after ourselves first. Otherwise, we’ll just get depleted. And then we don’t feel worthy. We don’t feel good enough. We don’t feel we belong, we don’t feel love, we don’t feel respected, and then it, it becomes so painful.

Then we fall into the third trap. And third trap is feeling unsatisfied with. Where we are and being trapped by that, and I’m, I’m a huge advocate of personal development, right? There is nothing wrong with wanting to grow and recognizing that you have space to grow in different areas. But there is a problem when we are suffering from the ideal where like, you know, I want to look this way or I want to do this, and it makes me feel.

So unsatisfied where I am that I get trapped there.

So how do we start that?

So if that’s really, uh, expectations, attachments, rules, you know, the more rules that you have, I should be this, I should be at this level by this age, I, I should have, you know, been more successful. I should have, could have, would’ve, and just be present. You know, ask yourself what is the truth?

Uh, I, I teach this in my coaching. You know, the truth is I’m strong. The truth is, I’m kind. The truth is when I speak people, listen, the truth is people love me. The truth is I love people. The truth is, I have a beautiful wife. The truth is I have beautiful kids. The truth is I have great friends. The truth is I’m playful.

The truth is I’m funny. The truth is, and people focus on, on the darkness. What you have to do is be the light. When you are the light, the darkness will disappear. So be, be the best version of yourself. So I was just in the, uh, um, emergency room yesterday and, and I made sure that everyone who came into contact with me was uplifted.

And it makes a difference. I have a three foot rule. Anyone who comes within three feet of me is gonna have a conversation with me. You know, nice glasses, nice sandbag, nice shoes, but genuinely so, and that’s a muscle I’ve developed. And if you develop that muscle. And a part of this comes in, A lot of people are very successful but not fulfilled.

And the difference is this, if you want to be fulfilled, you have to do the three Gs. The first G is to give your time, your energy, love your commitment, your joy, your gift, your money, give it away. Not wanting anything in return. The second Gs, you have to be grateful for what you have and not focus on what you don’t have.

And the third is you have to grow emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially. If you do those three Gs, your life will completely change.

I appreciate that you brought up the fact that a lot of, a lot of people look successful on paper, right? By by the world standards, you know, they have a good job or they have the family, right?

We, we got the I, I always hate this example, the American Dream. Right. That that was a huge wake up call in my life is when I quote, unquote, accomplished the American dream, right? I had a solid job that provided for my family, took good care of us, that I was doing well, happily married kids. We had the house, we got the dog right.

We’re doing life by what they said. This was what life looks like, and I started looking around. It was like, really this, this doesn’t seem like that much now, now that I’m here. Right? I mean, growing up that was where I was going. On paper. I was very successful, but I started looking around and like, eh, this doesn’t, this doesn’t feel right.

This doesn’t feel like this is what life really is. Um. My family life was strong, but it’s like, okay, the work life, I’m, this does not feel like where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing, because this doesn’t impact the world in a way. I feel like I should be trying to impact the world. So we get into this trap and we look successful on paper, but that’s not really, and I’ve talked to so many men doing this podcast, right, who are way more successful on paper than I was even like they, this.

Multimillionaires investors and stuff like entrepreneurs and, and I hear the same thing over and over again from the men I talk to is, yeah, that’s nice, but it’s not life. It’s not really living and thriving. And so I started looking for more and that’s how they ended up on my show. Um, so we talked about some of the things that get in the way of us moving towards that happier, richer life.

Uh. I wanted to get those outta the way because I, I, I’ve done this long enough. I know exactly what guys are stumbling over because it’s the same things that I was stumbling over. So how do we start shifting gears and let, let’s start from the inside out. Let’s start with our close relationships and work outwards in our life.

How do we start living a fuller, richer, happier life?

It, it all starts with awareness. Awareness gives you clarity. Clarity gives you focus. Focus gives you action. Action gives you results. Results gives you momentum, which gives you everything. You cannot be in love. You cannot be joyous. You cannot be successful without awareness.

So the first thing you have to do is love yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive others. Let go of the past and find out who you are. What are you here for? And a great exercise is to write your obituary. What do you want people to say about you? If you do that, where you are today, where you want to get to is the gap.

But most people live in the game. Oh, I did that. I was this. I was CEO there. I had 20 employees. I had this. They’re living in the game. But the joy comes in when you’re living in the gap. So find out what you wanna be remembered by and just step up and then you have to disappear. It’s not about you, it’s about your impact.

That’s what’s missing in most of the cases.

That is a,

such a contrary idea to what we are told by society. Right. I mean, I, I, I, so, I, I hate to, I I’ve harped on social media since day one’s, like back in MySpace. I still hate it. I, I was like, the first time I saw MySpace, I was like, wow. This is the most vain, self-centered crap I have ever seen. You can now literally build yourself your own altar of how great I am.

I, I you, if you remember the MySpace profiles, like it was a shrine to me.

No idea.

I, I looked at the, I was like, what in the world? This is so bad and it’s just gotten worse. We are taught that it’s about us, that we should focus on us. And this idea of focusing on letting us disappear is a really contrarian thought.

It’s, it’s the only way, because when we disappear, our greatness appears. The ego disappears, and then we get clarity. We see what there is to be done. There’s no filters. It’s just pure.

So if we figure out what, what we need to live in the gap, as you said, right? This is, this is what I wanna stand out to the world for. This is what I wanna be known for. This is how I want to change the world, and then pull us out of it and focus on that. Are you saying this is going to pull everything else into alignment?

It will be because that’s, that, that’s, that’s the problem. We are not aligned. And when you’re not aligned, it’s, it, it, that’s where you get the classical, um, um, midlife crisis. You know, you, you thought that you are gonna be an optometrist the rest of your life and you realize, look, this ist joyful. There’s got to be something better than this.

Then you are start asking questions. What am I really here for? What do I wanna be remembered by? What gives me joy? Write down all the things that give you joy and start doing them. And then you’ll find out, oh, I could do this for a living. I could do this to change people’s lives. It’s not about the money, you know, and people think it is.

You know, dads don’t work so hard that you, you give all your money away to your kids. They don’t care. Don’t do that.

They haven’t earned it. I’m not saying, you know, neglect them, but don’t neglect the quality of your life by saving up and working hard so that you can give them something you didn’t have. Don’t do that. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life. And then you’re teaching them to enjoy dances too. They’re not gonna have the same passion as you.

They don’t wanna take over your business.

I, I, that is, there’s a lot of evidence to supports that. Gentlemen, if you’re listening by the way, uh, right now is there are, are more, I hate to throw the term out there, boomer generation businesses for sale, that. They thought they were gonna be family businesses for generations to come that nobody wants.

Like if you’re into buying businesses, if you’re a Cody Sanchez fan, now is the time of your life. ’cause there are so many businesses. ’cause kids didn’t want to follow in their parents’ footsteps on those. So

do you know why,

why

the kids say, well dad, I I don’t wanna be like you. I don’t want to go through all the stress you went through.

Or the pain and suffering you go through. Uh, I don’t wanna be like you, I don’t wanna go through that. But if, if the, if the parents had handled things differently and made it a very smooth and effortless and beautiful situation, if they worked on the business, not in the business mm-hmm. Everything would change, then there would be a beautiful transit.

Does that make sense? That’s, that’s quite an epiphany.

I was gonna say that that’s a, that’s a big idea if we wanna unpack that a little more.

Yeah. So, you know, the, the kids are thinking, well, my dad didn’t spend any time with me. He was always busy working. I’m not gonna do that to my kids. I, I, why would I do that to my kids?

I made a decision. I’m gonna make sure I, I spend a lot of time with my kids. If I. Take over this business, I’m gonna be just like my dad. And that’s the last thing I want.

So on it instead of in.

Yeah. So, uh, you know, like if, if, if, say you are a, a doctor, you would exchange time, uh, time for dollars, you worked eight hours a day, you get paid.

But if, if you were working on the business, you would create a big practice. You. You would just go there once or twice a week and just manage the people, manage the systems, the protocols, so that you are working on getting even more business liaisons, relationships, joint ventures. But if you’re just seeing patients all the time, you’re working in the business.

Okay. That makes sense. I think there’s some value to your kids working in the business a little bit, basically, just so they understand every aspect of it. But yeah, I can see the, the transition to on it actually, uh, makes a lot more sense.

Yeah. And it’s important that kids work through it, you know? Uh, they gain the experiences, the nuances, and then they’ll get to respect the, the parents because they’ll realize that, oh, all these people honor my parents.

They honor and respect that they, when, when, when your, your parents say jump, all the staff jump, and that’s another problem. Uh, people, when they’re working, they have total respect. When they come home, they’re not respected, you know, they are taken for granted. Oh, you’re just my dad, or you’re just my husband.

And then we get upset. We, we think, what, what, what’s going on? I’m working really hard to supply and provide, and this is the way I get treated. So it’s a problem.

Well, while we’re there, let’s dive into it. How do we start to solve that problem in our homes?

It’s conversations. So, um, don’t let them get away with it.

Tell them, look, Hey guys, I’m the breadwinner. I’m the, you know, you can use the word alpha, but I bring in the bacon and I, I wanna be respected. Don’t let them get, get away with it. See what, what tends to happen is this, you know, we’ve been through a lot of a adversity and we’ve gone through adversity.

We’ve handled it, but a lot of parents make the decision. I don’t want my kids to go through the adversity I went through. So they make it easy for the kids, and the kids become entitled and enabled. And then, you know, they answer back. They don’t do any work. They’re not respectful, they’re not loving, they’re not caring.

They don’t do anything. They just want, want me, me, me, me, me. And then the father’s thinking, what did I do wrong? I did everything I could for the kids, but you didn’t. The greatest gift you can give your kids listen up is this, give them the ability to handle life by throwing adversity at them that they can reasonably handle.

So when my kids were, when my daughter was 18, we sent her around the world. That was, uh, 13 years ago. Haven’t seen her since, but I’m sure she’s learning something. I’m joking, guys. I’m joking. But we did, we sent her around the world and my son was 18. Sent him around the world, but it just didn’t happen.

You, you have to build it up. You’ve gotta make it. Difficult for them so that they, they know that whatever life throws at them, they can handle. But kids nowadays, they don’t have that.

Hmm. No. I can hear a lot of men, uh, are, are gonna struggle on this because if you walk in and tell your wife, Hey, I want to be respected.

I’m, I, I’m runner or I’m this, that, you’re gonna respect me, uh, in our very. Feminine forward society, that’s not gonna go over so well if we just go in and say, Hey, this is how it’s gonna happen.

But that’s not what I’m saying. So that there’s, there’s a way. This is where the communication comes in. So gents, when you come home, ask your wife this question, or your girlfriend, or your spouse, whatever it is, honey, what can I do to make you feel even more loved?

They’ll say, Hey, I wish you would empty the trash. What else can I do? I wish you would compliment me more. What else can I do? I wish you would take me out on dates. What else can I do? I wish you were present. What else can I do? I wish you wouldn’t fix me. What else can I do? I wish you would listen to me.

What else can I do? I wish you would understand. What else can I do? I want to feel safe. You know, these are the big things for the women. And then you can ask them, honey, what makes, what can I do to make you feel respected? Then she’ll say, A, B, C, D, E. Then say, Hey honey, would you ask me the same question?

So then it it, it’s a two I thing, and it’s important you, you know, that you, you find out what your wife wants. So I, I would always leave the toilet seat up and my wife would get upset and I thought it was funny, but one day she said this to me, Anil, every time you do that, I can’t love you as much. And I thought, that’s a bit deep.

That’s a bit strong. I thought, you know what? She’s right in that moment. She can’t. So I stopped doing it. So it is, languaging is important, what you say and how you say it,

and having clarity, it fills my heart. When you empty the trash, really? Okay, I’ll do it. You don’t have to do it. But if you know that it makes a difference to her. It’ll make a difference.

I was just laughing about the universal reference to the toilet bowl argument. Right? Because every guy in the world wonders is like, well, I have to set it up when I use it.

Yeah. Is it so hard for you to put it down? Like it it, I think that may be one of those like universal argue, universal arguments of the modern, uh, century. Well,

here, here’s a distinction. The woman. As human beings, we are meaning making machines. Something happens, we make it mean something. So she’ll make it mean he doesn’t love me, because if he loved me, he would put the seat down.

It’s making,

it’s that simple.

Making, making. If

he loved me, he would empty the trash. If he loved me, he would help me with the dishes If he, so these are rules that she has. Expectations and attachments. So this is where the communication comes in.

How do we start shifting our mindset? Because it’s, it’s one thing to say, focus on the, this is what I, I want the impact I wanna make on the world, on my family, right. Uh, with the obituary thing, I, I grew up a minister’s kid, so I, I got this perspective really early in my life. ’cause I grew up going to a lot of funerals.

Um, my dad being a minister, I was frequently around funerals and death and, and listening to families talk about this person in past tense, right? And what they remembered and what mattered to them and what stood out, made a big impression early on in my life. So it’s always been a very easy process for me.

So we get into that thing of this is what I wanna be remembered for and start to pull back and make it about other people, serving other people, and making that impact that how do we transition in the midst of, we’re facing our own struggles with self-worth and identity we’re facing, trying to survive, right?

We’re trying to be good parents, we’re trying to be good spouses. We’re trying to. Go to work and make a living. How do we start to actually a, let’s see if I can talk this morning. How do we actually start to apply this mindset shifting, get this mindset, because it doesn’t happen overnight. Your brain just doesn’t go, I’m gonna make this radical change and it’s going to succeed.

So how do we, what are the little steps to start processing and changing our perception so we can start making these things a habit and making them actually. Take shape in our life so we can grow that richer, fuller life.

Yeah, and it’s a really great question. You have to take baby steps. Yeah. By asking those questions, do the things that your spouse wants, and ask yourself questions.

What behavior could I change that would have a positive impact? Well, I could stop eating late at night. I could get up half an hour earlier. I could do more exercise. You know, that. Um. When a man has a lot of wealth, he, he wants everything. But when a man doesn’t have health, he only wants one thing. So focus on that.

Focus on gratitude. Focus on giving, you know, the formula. Give, grow, gratitude. And anytime you’re upset, ask yourself this question. Which of the three Gs give, grow, or gratitude has dropped? And if you hear some bad news, it’s normally emotional. If you’ve had an injury, in my case, it’s physical, you know? So that way you take away the overwhelm and you say, what, what haven’t I done in a while?

You know, I haven’t given in a while, so I’m gonna make a phone call. Hey John, just wanna say what a great friend you are. You’re an amazing friend. I deeply appreciate you and love you. You’re, uh, uh, you’d light out my life every time we meet. I’d love to reconnect with you. It’s the muscle, muscle. Keep on giving, giving, giving.

Keep on growing, growing, growing, and keep on being grateful. You know, list, write a list of 50 things you’re grateful for.

One of the things I, I use to practice, like every morning, um, I would get up and, and I would pray. I, I, I’m a Christian, I’ve gone to church my whole life. I used to be a youth minister and so. But my morning prayer would always start with gratitude because it put the rest of the day into perspective with, for me, and I mean, I, I would get lengthy on it, right?

I, I didn’t even get to, oh God, please gimme this, or any, or, I wasn’t worried about that. I just was like. I tried to thank God for everything I could think of just, and just list and list and just keep going as many, as much every little thing because I found it shaped the way I felt about the entire rest of the day.

And I, and I, I’m not sure I’m supposed to, you know, pray for my benefit, but I think I am actually. But you know, the benefit that had on my perspective throughout the whole rest of the day, the way I looked at my wife and my kids, the way I looked at. My work just by verbalizing. I am so grateful that I have this.

I’m so grateful for my wife. I am so grateful for these beautiful girls I have, and that I get to be their dad, right? Just listing off these things, it changed the whole impact of the day. Right? When I went to work, when I was working in the corporate world, I went to work and I was a better person. I showed up better.

I did better work. I treated my coworkers better because I had already prayed about, Hey, thank you, God, that I have this job that takes care of my family, that I have these coworkers that I get along with 99% of the time that I can go to work actually and do this. That I’m physically capable after breaking my spine twice.

That has definitely been a, you know, there, there have been more than a few prayers about, thank you, God, I can still walk. Um, because I met guys who have had the same injury, injured the same place in their spine, who can’t? Wow. That puts it really front and center. When you meet a person, it’s like, oh yeah, I broke up with that.

Could be me. You right. Yeah. And you see their life and go. That really I I was this close to that.

Yeah. And what if you did the same exercise at night? Look back at the day and say, wow, I’m grateful for that. I helped this person. I changed this person’s life. That was a good deed. I did. That’s something beautiful.

That was amazing. That was magical. And that will just set you up for a beautiful sleep.

We used to do that with my kids. We would, we would ask them at night. It’s like, okay, what’s, what’s something you did for somebody else today? What’s something that somebody did for you? What was the best part about today?

What really let you up? You know, and what are three things you’re grateful for? And that, that was the last of the conversation before they went to bed. And I actually, in that age group where they start to get nightmares. That, that was my go-to weapon against protecting their dreams because it just put them in this better space going into that time.

Uh,

beautiful. Beautiful. And just, you know, if, if your listeners and viewers just do a few of these things, the compounding effect of that is enormous.

I, I love the right obituary drill. People think I’m morbid when I say things like that. There’s something wrong with you. It’s like, well, you, you want to gain perspective quickly.

I’ve, I’ve seen enough, I’ve seen being close enough to death. Um, when I was youth minister, one of my kids’ moms died. Single mom, she had a boyfriend. Uh, she had two boys. They were at my house all the time when I was their youth minister, but her health was poor, very poor. She was overweight, she was on a lot of medications, and her youngest son found her and she just didn’t wake up from her nap one day when it slept into a coma, she didn’t die.

She went into a coma. And so, you know, I got a call from the family and, and showed up at the hospital. Um, but the boys were both the oldest one, but still like he was 19. And the choice had to be made whether to take our off life support, uh, because she just was totally brain dead, wasn’t reacting, and it’s like, you know, no, I, I will go hold her hand.

You guys don’t need to be in there for that. She’s not alone. But you know, I’ve been around death enough to know that a body can twitch when you pull it off, life support. And that’s not something I wanted embedded in their heads. That’s not the memory I wanted, but they didn’t want her to be alone. Um,

but seeing those boys, listening to them talk about their mom, listening to those conversations happening in the waiting room, right? You get this really clear, but one of the boys, the older, had a daughter at that point. I, I was part of their wedding. I was part of their lives when their baby was born, and watching that shape right as he looked at her life, and he had no anger with his mom, but he looked at her life and went, I want my child to never wonder about this.

I want my child to be utterly clear that they matter, that they’re the most important thing that you know. Um, and so if you’re around death, you have that, get that perspective. You get to look at that and go, uh, growing up, going to other people’s funerals. When my dad presiding over funerals, it’s like listening to people talk about those people what mattered.

It’s like. There’s a whole lot that the world says is significant, that really bearing at the end. And so I, I love the idea of, of doing that. I’m not sure everybody can actually objectively look at their own mortality. Sometimes

it, it’s hard. It took me, uh, 18 months to do mine, but once I did it, it, it was just so freeing and you, you don’t have to do it the full Monty.

Just to say, Hey, I want to be remembered by I impacting a hundred people, a thousand people, 10,000 people. I wanna be remembered by being the the best dad in the world. I want to be remembered by, you know, being, you know, the best husband in the world. Whatever it is, you have to start. Because if you don’t start, you’re never gonna achieve what you’re achieve wanting to achieve because you don’t have clarity.

You’ve gotta put the goals in, you’ve gotta have a, a goal to go for

a Neil. Where is the best place for people to connect with you?

Um, probably my website, uh, meet aneel.com and my email is a Neil. Let’s meet anil.com. Um, have a look at my website. There’s so much great content on there to move, touch, and inspire you to a brand new life. The decisions you make today will create a brand new life for you.

Are you gonna decide to be happier, more gentler, more clearer, more playful, more fun, more authentic, more integrous, more giving, more grateful. If you do, your life will change and the people around you lives will change. There’s too much at stake for you not to do.

What’s next on your project list? Neil, you, you work with all kinds of people, you’ve done all kinds of things.

What’s, what’s the next big project for you?

My next big project is, my book is called The Heart Map of Love, which will be a, a a a a deep analysis of love, friendships, uh, adversity, resilience, how to. Live this amazing life. We were never given a toolbox. We were never given tools and methodologies. And this book will have it all.

Um, we’re looking for the end of, end of September for publishing that the heart map of, uh, love.

Alright, so guys, it’s, uh. The airing of this episode. This book will be coming out right around the time this episode airs actually. Perfect,

perfect.

Totally by accident. I had no idea who was writing a book.

Absolutely no idea. Um, but you guys should absolutely, uh, I will be buying a copy of the book, so you guys should absolutely buy a copy of this book. Uh, after multiple conversations now with Anil, I, I’m a fan. I, I think that there is a lot of wisdom for you guys to tap into there. So look for that book if you’re listening to this when it comes out, and hopefully that is out very soon for this Anil.

Yeah. What is the last thing you wanna leave people with? What do you want them to hear? No matter what?

Be so amazing. You cannot be ignored. Be the best version of you. Show up with joy, with laughter, with fun. Remember who you were as a kid, be so amazing. You cannot be ignored. And if you are ignored, it doesn’t matter because you’re showing up the very best of you.

This will change your life. This changed my life from being suicidal to being incredibly successful.

Guys. With that, on behalf of Nil and myself, thank you for joining us today in this conversation. Be better tomorrow because of what you do today, and we’ll see you on the next one. The Driven to Thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving.

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