Chris Marhefka: The Night My Daughter Taught Me Everything About Being a Man

Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Why is it whenever you find out you’re gonna be a dad, like everybody tells you horror stories. I mean, really what’s going on with that? Why? Why does everybody focus on the hard days or the difficulties or some of the struggles that come along with raising other human being instead of focusing on the amazing moments, the opportunities and experiences that you have when you become a father?

Today I’m talking to Chris Marhefka about the amazing thing that is the journey of becoming a father, and we’re talking about the amazing side effect of how you grow as a man, as you become a father, and what that does to your life. The amazing, amazing things that happen because guys, it is an incredible process that makes your life better in every single way.

Chris, every dad has a story that just lights ’em up that they love to share about being a dad. What is your dad story?

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. Thank you [00:01:00] Brent. Um, I’m gonna go back to like the first week where I became a dad. And, uh, for me, that was about two years ago. My daughter, Elizabeth, she’ll be turning two, uh, as of this recording like next week.

So, um, the first week was chaos. As, as most fathers are probably aware of that are listening to this. It was chaos and it was a whirlwind and figuring everything out from the logistics and taking care of mama and everything in between. And there was, uh, a late, late night, I wanna say like three, 4:00 AM where.

She was unconsolable and mama was tired. She was breastfeeding all night. And so I, I took over on dad duty to, to comfort her and try to get her back to sleep. I think many dads can relate to this experience, but I was, I was outside, [00:02:00] um, and I was just walking around our deck. It was a beautiful night. It was cool.

And, and I remember for over an hour, I was just like, rocking around and, and just in my head I’m just like, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to, and just have this running. And then I realized in a moment I was like. I’m just trying to get her to do what I want her to do right now. And what if I just relaxed and enjoyed even this moment?

It was kind of like a shift in my perspective. And so I started breathing a little deeper and I started relaxing this frustration that I had, that it was 4:00 AM and I’m not sleeping. And I just remember feeling like as I relax and I breathe, breathe a little deeper, I just started feeling her little body muscle by muscle relax and relax and relax until she was just this [00:03:00] completely, uh, ball, just this ball of dead weight is the best way I can describe it.

And as I felt that she had just drifted off to sleep. And it was like in that moment that I realized that like I. Being a father isn’t like imparting my will onto them the way that maybe I was taught and the what, the way I was fathering, but it’s actually about listening to her and feeling her and just giving her what she needs.

And in that moment, she didn’t need my like, strong will dad, like, do this, do this, do that. I just needed to be there for her. And, and within like a few minutes the goal was achieved. What I needed to was achieved, but it was achieved through this whole completely different avenue that I’ve learned more and more over the last two years.

Like to just relax what I [00:04:00] need in the moment and to, to focus a little more attention on her. And I, I, there was also. Like the layer of feeling like how completely innocent she really was in my arms, like completely relaxed, completely feeling safe. It, it, it came, it like washed over me, like the real role of a father as like a, a, a protector and as a, as a safe place.

And it was almost as like, that’s when the lesson started for me, when I really started to fully get of like what it really, because I got so much advice about being father and it like really felt it in my body in that one moment. So, and from that moment forward, I’ve, I’ve felt more and more connected to her every day when I actually listen to that device and I do that.

So there we go,

Brent Dowlen: gentlemen. [00:05:00] I sleep on MyPillow, I sleep on MyPillow Giza sheets and with my MyPillow body pillows to hold my back in place. I have MyPillow towels. My wife even wears MyPillow slippers. I would never recommend a company I don’t personally use. We’re proud to have Mike Lindell and MyPillow as the sponsors of our show.

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Let’s get back to it.

Welcome to the Dad Hat Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered truth about being a dad. Real dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent Dowlen, and today my guest is Chris Marhefka. Chris, [00:06:00] welcome to the Dad Hat Shenanigans podcast.

Chris Marhefka: Brent, thank you for having me on, brother.

Brent Dowlen: Man, I’m excited. This is like nature aligned against us a few times. So I’m actually expecting this to be an amazing conversation because the last time I had this hard of time syncing up with somebody, the podcast was great. So, you know, no, no pressure. A bit just saying, been waiting a long time to hear this one.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah, likewise. Glad we’re here though

Brent Dowlen: Chris, you are wearing just a phenomenal hat and as you know, we gotta tell that story. This is beautiful. And for our listeners, ’cause we have, you know, audio and video, you have to explain the hat a little bit for our listeners. Okay guys, you gotta gotta go to the video just for a few minutes so you can see this hat.

This is beautiful.

Chris Marhefka: Check it out.

Brent Dowlen: Tell us about your dad hat.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah, so I’ll be honest, this is the first time we’re wearing a hat on a podcast and I love it. Um, so this, this hat was a gift from my wife. [00:07:00] And it was a, a gift that she got me about a month before we conceived our daughter. So we started coming down to, and it’s actually where I’m recording from right now.

Our, our home in Mexico, where we go for the winters. We’ve been going down here for now five years and, um, just over, I guess it would be three years ago we were here and, um, we,

we kinda, man, I don’t wanna go too, too far back in the story, but we, we were, we were at the point to where we both were like opening up to the idea of kids. Neither one of us had kids from a past relationship and we’re a little bit older in life and, um, we really felt like we wanted to have kids together and.

We [00:08:00] went to this, uh, this awesome artist in Oaxaca in Mexico. It’s this really, like, really Mexican, like very authentic. And, um, and he, what he does is he draws or he paints, uh, onto hats your spirit animal. And so he’ll just come and he’ll feel you. And and he’ll be like, okay, now I’m gonna give, paint your hat.

He won’t tell you what it is. And then so, uh, I went and, and she got me this, uh, I think it was uh, January and then a month later we conceived our daughter. And the, it’s a lion in beautiful, like neon, uh, bright colors. I don’t know if you can see it. I’m gonna shoot. There we go. So it’s a, it’s a lion and it’s vibrant and bright.

And what it [00:09:00] means to me is the lion is seen by so many people as this like big and fierce and like ferocious creature. And yet it also has this playful, relaxed way. Like if you ever see like a bunch of lion cubs like running around and like playing with like daddy line or whatever, he’s like rolling around and tossing around.

And in a way it’s like how I saw myself to be coming into fatherhood is like I absolutely saw the like the fearless like warrior part of me that was like gonna protect the tribe at all costs. But I also saw this like super playful dad that was just gonna be on the ground and be rolling around with kids and like laughing and having a great time and.

And so that was the [00:10:00] archetype, the animal spirit that I like went into fatherhood with is like to, to do my best, to like hold both of those simultaneously to like be serious and ferocious when I needed to be, but also be light and relaxed and playful and, um, and yeah, we’re now back here in the same place.

She’s about to turn two years old and, and, uh, yeah, it’s, um, it was like my stamp, this like hat was like a stamp of like, yes, you’re gonna be a father and yes, you’re gonna be a great father. You’re gonna be this type of father. And, uh, yeah. So that’s why I’m wearing this one today.

Brent Dowlen: That’s a beautiful hat, man.

Like the artistry on it, it’s like mm-hmm. Oh, I, I saw the mini you collected on and was like, oh, that was hand done. Hand done,

Chris Marhefka: hand painted.

Brent Dowlen: Mm-hmm. Right. I’m, I’m so over the whole AI thing and every. I am, I’m so hungry for just like [00:11:00] honest, legitimate, real. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Uh, I, I’m hoping this thing is a bubble.

I know AI’s gonna be around. Mm-hmm. But this overuse of it and everything, I’m hoping it’s just a bubble. Yeah. It’s the new toy. Everybody’s gonna play with it. Then we’re gonna go back to like real people. Uh,

Chris Marhefka: I hope so too, man. And, and, and I think it’s, um, at least in my world, I, I see it already starting to happen.

Like people are getting called out, like when they’re like putting forward things as their thoughts and people are like, no, that’s clearly ai. Like, and I love when people get called out on it because it’s, those aren’t the same thing like that. No, our heart expression is not the same thing as like plugging a prompt in and then putting that out into the world as yours.

It’s, um, yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s a great tool. It’s useful. And also I think that the ones that are going to, uh, do the best in this economy are the [00:12:00] ones that, um, continue to share human to human. Mm-hmm. In a world that’s getting more and more distracted because that shines through so bright. Like you can tell the difference between like feeling someone at their core and just some.

Garbage that’s all looks the same as I’ve looked at so many landing pages that say the same thing and the same whatever, and the same ad copy. Like, look, people are gonna start noticing,

Brent Dowlen: oh yeah, I, I freelance. Uh, and I do, part of, part of what I do is I do some web work, but I was there, there are best practices and I understand that.

’cause that’s just, you have to build based on how internet search and everything works. Mm-hmm. But there are best practices. Then there’s like, look, it’s the same website over, over and over. Yeah. I, I’ve [00:13:00] seen it with so many people out there, especially with now that you can have like AI build most of your website.

Like, look, it looks the same as everybody else’s website. Way to stand out. Yeah. No, I’m, I’m definitely, I’m seeing, uh, there’s a shift towards. Like conferences again, which we’ve kinda shied away from the last since mm-hmm. Post Rona era. Right. And I’m thrilled because people are going back towards conferences because she can’t fake it.

Yeah. Yeah. This real in-person face-to-face. I was like, yes. Bring back conferences. I love conferences, so

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. I, I love it too, man. I love like anything where humans can come together. Mm-hmm. Like magic happens there. It feels like the online place is a placeholder for like, you, you get, there’s benefits of it for sure.

Of course. It connects us all over the world. We get to do this from two completely different parts of the world, but there’s nothing like being in the same room with people. Oh yeah. There’s a magical [00:14:00] energy that happens.

Brent Dowlen: Nothing, nothing’s going to be able to replace just sitting down with somebody having a cup of coffee, having a conversation.

Right. I go to men’s Bible study on Monday mornings. I was there earlier today. Uh, just four guys I’ve been meeting with. We have a bible study every week, but we sit there and study the Bible together and drink coffee. And that is some of just the best time of my week. It’s like I’m face to face with real guys.

We have a real bond and that’s just that in-person time. And I spend so much time on a screen that it’s just like, it’s such a high point in my week for me. So So you just have the one girl,

Chris Marhefka: is that right? Yeah, just, just one, one girl. So far. Uh, so far, yeah. Yeah. Working, working on, uh, building a family. Um, yeah, my, uh, my wife and I, we met, uh, later in life.

Um, we’d both been in previous relationships and divorce and so we know, we knew [00:15:00] super clearly, like what we wanted, what we didn’t want, and uh, yeah, the. The, she’s the best mother I could ever wish for. And so I’m, I’m, I told her, I was like, as many as you want to deliver, like, I’m down. Keep them coming, keep them coming.

So, uh,

Brent Dowlen: oh. Yeah. My, my wife, uh, and I hit two and went, yeah, we’re good. Like, yeah. I told her, I was like, no, there’s a two that happens to me too. I told her, I said, you know, two is enough for me. And she’s like, yeah, but you, you know, I, I, so I’m the last male in my line. My family name dies out with me. Mm. And I’m okay with that.

Like, I am, I’m a history buff, but I’m super okay with that. ’cause everything has a time. Right. But like, my grandfather passed me on the family crest after my brother stopped having kids with girls. Mm-hmm. And so they’re like, there’s this always been this pressure. She’s like, yeah, but I want to give you a boys like, baby, I have two beautiful healthy [00:16:00] daughters that are the whole world to me.

And, and that’s enough. And she was like, well, well give it a year. We’ll give it a year and see. And we got to the end of the year, she’s like, God, I am never doing that again. Yes, go get fixed.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah, I, I could see that for sure. You know,

Brent Dowlen: so, Chris, for let’s give people some context. Uh, who are you, what should we know about you?

What do you do?

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. Oh, man. The purposes of this show, let’s see. I’ve got a man, I’ve lived a, like a full life. I’m 40. Uh, and I, I’ve, I’ve lived, I’ve, I’ve lived the life that I’ve desired. Like I lived my dream life. Honestly. I worked really hard my whole life. I was an entrepreneur from right outta college, um, up until now.

And, you know, I, I did it the, the really hard way. I [00:17:00] almost lost my life to it. I, I. Pretty much burned out to the point to where it almost cost me my, my health and my life, and definitely cost me all my relationships. That’s hence the previous divorce. Mm-hmm. Um, and, you know, I learned through all that painful process, like how I didn’t want to do it.

And so like, as I kind of went into my life 2.0, this was probably like seven years ago that I was going through this, uh, I just really envisioned like exactly how I wanted to live. And so now my, my day to day is I, I serve and support people. I do full-time coaching and I run men’s programs. I run a company called 13 Pines with two other guys, and we do men’s programs and in-person retreats.

Uh, online men’s groups and things like that, and it’s so fulfilling. Uh, I work with one-on-one clients. [00:18:00] Um, I really consult with a lot of business owners and entrepreneurs where I was super unhappy, super unfulfilled, sometimes making a lot of money, and yet, uh, there’s this huge gaping gap of like, what the, what the, what am I doing with my life?

Like, what is this? It? And that’s where I was. And so I, I help a lot of entrepreneurs in that space and I love it because when you can combine like this material sa success and this like hard, uh, like hardworking, achievement oriented, um, oftentimes guys that I work with, but not always, um, when you can combine that with.

Like a deep purpose and like a, like a heart-centered leadership. There’s a huge ripple of impact from there. Like when, when you take someone like that, that has already a big impact in the world and you orient them towards something that they’re so excited about, [00:19:00] that helps a lot of people. Uh, it goes like a really long way.

So I, I absolutely love what I do. Uh, my wife, myself and my daughter, we live part-time in the us, part-time international. Uh, right now we’re here in Mexico. I love it. My wife loves the beach. I’m a little bit more, more, uh, mountain oriented, so we kind of figure it out. So, um, yeah, I’m, I’m, uh, and now the thing that probably defines me so much is father, like I am at a place in life where.

Had I had kids in my twenties, I would not have the space and the time and the wisdom to father like I, I get to today. And so, uh, I spent a lot of time with my daughter and yeah, it’s such such a blessing that I [00:20:00] get to do this now and not when I was a stubborn, narrow-minded idiot in my twenties. Like, which some, some people do it and they succeed and it’s amazing and I give them credit for that.

Brent Dowlen: And wait, you’ve, you’ve grown out of the narrow, stubborn minded. Nah.

Chris Marhefka: You making the less rest? Those look bad here. Yeah, no, that’s still very present. I’m just, you know, I mean age, age brings with it wisdom if you allow it to. And uh, a lot of that wisdom is just. Let me relax and not overthink life as much as I used to and not try to control everything and, um, still work really hard, but I also work a lot smarter than I used to too.

Brent Dowlen: Chris, what’s your favorite thing about being dead so far? Hmm.

Chris Marhefka: For me it is the [00:21:00] reconnection to childlike wonder and awe and innocence every single moment that I’m with her. So, like for instance, we’ll be out on a walk, we go on walks and she’ll look at every leaf and every stick and every insect as if it’s the Mona Lisa or like the, the, like the whatever empire steep belt.

It’s like whatever. Um. Amazing architectural wonder or what? She’ll just look at it, it’s like, it’s the greatest thing in the world because to her it is. And it, it kind of like pulls me into that world and reminds me of how amazing life really is. And she’s like my connection to that, it’s like every time I get a little too overly stressed about something stupid or in my head about something is like, she kind of brings me back to this feeling of just enjoying [00:22:00] life and being present.

And

it’s like, yeah, I know she doesn’t have to worry about the things that I do, but I get to like vacation in her world every day. I get to like vacation in that and it feels so good and it, it helps me like stay tethered to it. Um, and I forget less and less that this life is, this life is awesome and this life is amazing.

And, uh, she reminds me of that.

Brent Dowlen: Chris, you, uh, you mentioned, you know, you were given lots of advice and I love talking to newer dads with younger kids because you guys still remember some of the advice you were given. I remember when I found out I was gonna become a father, like everybody and their dog has advice for you, and most of it is not worth listening to.

Mm-hmm. Do you recall what was the best piece of advice you were given? [00:23:00] Yeah.

Chris Marhefka: Every, every one, every father is doing the best that they can, and you will too. That means that you will screw, screw up, you are fallible, you will make mistakes.

She’s gonna be okay. They’re gonna be okay no matter what. Like as, as long as you are honest, are loving and you like truly care about doing your best, like she’s gonna be okay. Even through the mistakes that you make, you’ll say the wrong thing, you’ll do the wrong thing. You won’t give her the lesson and the way that you think she needs it, but she’ll be okay and she’ll have her own path to go through.

And it will involve thinking I’m an idiot at some [00:24:00] point and I’m kind of like extrapolating on the advice at this point, but it is like, it’s o like she’ll be okay. It’s okay. And for me that was exactly what I needed to hear because I felt and still feel to some extent, like a lot of pressure around being a father and like doing it well.

And it helps me remember just to come back to. If I care with all of my heart and I do my best, and I’m honest with her, like, she’s gonna be okay and our relationship’s gonna be okay.

Brent Dowlen: Kids are incredibly resilient and forgiving as long as you’ve got your heart into it. Mm-hmm. But I, I always like to ask dads that because like everybody does, that’s, that’s the first thing you tell somebody, you’re gonna have a kid, right?

Mm-hmm. The first thing outta their mouth is advice. Yeah. Even if they don’t have kids. And is I was just, yep. I was in awe. The very, the f when we found out we [00:25:00] were, we were pregnant with my daughter, my oldest daughter is 13, almost 14. And when we found out, like, everybody and their dog swear just came out the woodwork with all, like, there was no, there was, oh, congratulations.

Phew. Followed by, here’s what you need to know. What do you know about being a dad? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Just random stranger, so I’m always curious ’cause there was a lot that is like, do you remember the good stuff? What, what actually had value? ’cause there was a lot of trash to wade through. Yeah. So I love that.

I pretty much,

Chris Marhefka: yeah, I pretty much threw out all the like tactical parenting advice and all this stuff and I really appreciated and oriented to the stuff that reminded me in the hard times that even if I don’t think I know what to do, I do. And that as long as I stay in my heart and I, [00:26:00] um, I’m doing it from a place of love, like I’ve got the answer and I, I know what to do and I, I can do it.

The other one that kind of hit me really hard is. I know you asked for one, but that’s fine. A buddy of mine said, yeah. A buddy of mine said to me, he’s like, he’s like, you think you’re at your limits. You think you cannot go any longer without sleep or whatever, but there’s always another gear. There’s always more.

’cause there’s a reason to find more. And that has proven very true in my life and in these last two years of my life is like, there’s always more I can give. Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: At a Monster Truck driver I interviewed on my other show and that was the theme. Like he wrote a book called Geared for Life, but that was one of the themes through his book was you are gonna find out as you progress through [00:27:00] life that you know, just when you think, you’re like, oh, I gotta, you can gear down again like you’re you, you’ve got more to it.

Uh, and it just, it stuck with me ever since that conversation. Every time something gets difficult, my daughters have certainly helped me ingrain that belief. Like, oh, dad’s tired, dad’s sworn out. That’s okay. Dad’s got more. I’m just, yeah. I’m not sure where I’m gonna find it, but I’m going to, we will fake it till we get there if I have to.

Mm-hmm. Chris, what are you passionate about sharing with our dads today? What do, what do we wanna talk about? Hmm.

Chris Marhefka: So there’s, the topic kind of is like two, two parts of the same thing. And I was thinking about this before our call is like how fatherhood. [00:28:00] Changes you as a man, almost like as an initiation, like the man before and the man after. And then also about all the, like the gifts of being a father. Uh, ’cause I’m sure there’s plenty of people that talk about all the challenges and I’ve experienced them and I’m not an idiot to them, but when I was, uh, growing up and like early on, like a lot of people talk about parenthood for as like this suffering and you know, I get that and I appreciate that.

I have compassion for that. And I also, when I was able to see it through another lens, it’s like that suffering to one is simply just my growth. It’s simply just stretching me for more, kinda like what we were talking about before. And, you [00:29:00] know, uh, like I said, I’m blessed to be in a situation where I can, I can be the father that, um, I want to be.

And I know a lot of people have other constraints that make it even harder, and I recognize that. But I, I, I’ve committed myself, especially in like the men’s work that I do to like, be a, be a stand for, like how great being a father is and how great having kids is. Because I think culturally, for a lot of people, it’s kind of moving the other direction.

And it seems wild to me ’cause it’s like one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made is to have kids and then to have them, it’s like, wow, it’s actually better than I thought it was gonna be. So kind of like those two things together, uh, feel, feel really alive.

Brent Dowlen: I, I really, I’ve, I’ve talked to a lot of dads and most of the dads we get here on the show obviously are dads who enjoy being fathers more than, than some do.

Right. Um, [00:30:00] I knew two was a good limit for me, just mm-hmm. Just based on my wife and i’s personalities. Um, I’m, I’ve never been diagnosed on the spectrum. I’m probably on the spectrum easily. Uh, I’ve always related well to people who are, because my brain just works that way, and so I have some hard limits on overstimulation.

Yeah. Right. So we, we thought two was smart for us. Mm-hmm. Right. But I can’t imagine dads that don’t. Like I live for every moment. My, my we, we homeschool my daughters. They’re a room and a half away from me. Mm-hmm. Before I jumped on the call with you today, I went in, I refilled my coffee, I checked on their schoolwork, asked how their day was going.

My daughter told me about a book she just finished for her book report, and those moments light me up. When I wrap up today, I’m gonna [00:31:00] go, my children are in children’s theater. Uh, one of my daughters is on the tech crew. One of my daughters has a role. And so I’ll spend all afternoon today over at play practice ’cause I help with the technical side of it.

And those are the best moments. Like I live for those moments. Yeah. And so I don’t, I’ve never understood fathers who are like, fatherhood is so hard. Yeah. But it’s a good heart. Like I, I don’t under, I don’t understand anything else.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. And I feel like if when fathers are stuck in that, like it’s hard, they don’t get to see all the gift, they don’t get to see the good parts of it.

’cause they’re just in this story that it’s hard. And so, yeah man, I fully agree with you. Like I so many moments that are like the best moments of my day, the best moments of my week. With her, just like doing silly stuff, like whatever. I mean, she’s only two, but mm-hmm. Her personality is starting to come out and like, we’re interacting more as like in a relationship.

And it’s [00:32:00] amazing. It’s like so much fun. She’s hilarious. She’s got a sense of humor or, and like, lights me up and yeah, it’s, it like, it saddens me a little bit because it’s a lot of work. And so if you don’t feel any benefit from that like that, I can see how that would suck. And, um, yeah, it, it,

and it’s, yeah, it’s like I feel like it makes me a better father to be, um, to appreciate having her as a, as my child and as a child in our life. ’cause if I. I was walking around every day thinking of her as a burden. Like I would make all my decisions and all my words would come from a place of like, oh, this is just a burdensome [00:33:00] thing in my life.

And like, whether or not she could articulate it, like she would feel that like, oh, I’m just a, mm-hmm. I’m just a throw away, whatever. And so, um, I think it makes me a better father also. Um, so it’s kinda like this reciprocal circle of benefit. It is. Like, I get it and then she gets it. I get it. She gets it.

And um, yeah,

Brent Dowlen: it just keeps getting better too. Like everybody used to, uh, have you heard the, just wait till they’re teenagers, right? Yeah. I used to be a youth minister, so like, yeah. Junior high and teenage is my favorite kids, period. Anyway, I was, I’ve been looking forward to this for years, Chris, I had the greatest conversation with my 13-year-old this morning.

So I get up, I’m an early get up person to, I, I get up at about three 50 in the morning and I try and go walking regularly, uh, long before the sun’s up. I get out, I go move before I spend the rest of the day in my studio. [00:34:00] And my daughter told me yesterday she wanted to go with me and for a while she was going with me pretty regularly.

And then she kind of hit that teenage phrase and backed off a little bit. Uh, but we’ve like done, we’ve done the Stop Soldier suicide ruck mark challenge together before we had a rack at 50 miles and she was carrying, you know, 15 pounds as a 12-year-old around with us on these mileage. So she’s pretty good about it usually.

So I woke her up this morning and she came in the living room and sat down as we were putting my shoes on, like, are you okay, baby? She’s like, dad, I’m so tired. I was like, what’s wrong? Did you not sleep well? She’s like, I only got about four hours of sleep, I think. I was like, baby, do you need to go back to bed for a little while?

She’s like, but I told you I was gonna do this. I said, baby, I love that, but you don’t. I told you this has always been your choice. You don’t have to do this. She said, I know that, but I told you I was gonna do this. I said, well, what you have to do today, [00:35:00] baby? You have to do school and you have to do your very best at school, and then you have play practice.

You have to do your very best at play practice because you committed to doing this. Mm-hmm. And I said, what you don’t have to do is go for a walk this morning. That’s, that’s a bonus. She’s like, but I told you I would. And like my dad’s side is just, oh my god, the integrity. Right. I’m, I’m like just having this great happy moment.

I’m trying not to show it ’cause it’s, you know, four 15 in the morning and she’s hating life. I was like, baby, go back and go to sleep. I said, we’ll go tomorrow. Okay. You and I will right here. We’ll set it up. We go tomorrow morning. I said, I won’t even go this morning ’cause I know you, you’re gonna feel guilty if I go without you.

She’s like, yeah, okay. I will just go into the office and start working. You go back to sleep tomorrow morning, we’ll do this rain or shine, whether we’re tired or not. But today you have commitments. Yeah. But to [00:36:00] see the integrity of, I said I was gonna do this and her struggling with making a commitment to me and not, it’s like yes.

Right. Those are those moments you’re like hoping for as a father. As you see this come out in their personality and every day just gets more exciting. They were amazing when they’re little and it just keeps getting better and people are like, but teenagers, yeah. Your daughter is going to be amazing for years and years and years to come and it’s gonna be an amazing ride.

Chris Marhefka: Mm-hmm. Thank you for saying that, man. That’s. It is. I, I trust that and I feel that just like it keeps getting better and I, it’s like I don’t wanna look forward to it ’cause I got my hands full with the moment right now. But I trust that it’s gonna be awesome when we get there. But it’s so great to hear like that feeling of like, wow, Brendan, you’re doing a great job [00:37:00] because it’s being reflected to you in your daughter’s integrity and her level of commitment.

It’s like, wow, seeing the, seeing the results at work here,

Brent Dowlen: uh, I love that. And that, that wasn’t even like a yay me and mom. I’m just proud of my daughter. But

Chris Marhefka: yeah,

Brent Dowlen: that, that’s the thing you get to as a dad, you get this amazing opportunity to help a child grow into a wonderful person and get to say, hmm.

Man, I got to be there on that journey with them and help nourish them and love them. And you just get so excited and every, every year, every time that goes by, right, every experience, you’re just like, man, I get to be a part of this. Thank you. Yeah. And I don’t understand the, yeah, we had some really long nights when she was little.

Mm-hmm. I’ve had some really long nights since she’s been older. Yeah. But I wouldn’t give ’em up for anything.

Chris Marhefka: Mm-hmm. [00:38:00]

Mm-hmm. Yeah. All those like temporary discomforts, like I forget those. I forget the uncomfortable part. And I remember being with her, like that story that I told you, like she was a week older, so.

And like I still like remember vividly every moment of that, every second of that. I didn’t remember how uncomfortable it was. It’s like one of the most beautiful memories. ’cause I like really felt her in my arms. Um

Brent Dowlen: mm. That will stick with you when she goes off on her own, you’ll still, that will still be right here.

Mm-hmm. Right. Mm. I’ve suffered for a lot worse. And it sounds like from, from what you told us, VU, you, you’ve suffered for a lot worse. That had a whole lot less value, right? So Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Suffering a little, like, I, I’m not, I’m not Buddhist, but [00:39:00] the, the tenant of somewhere around like, you know, life, all life involves, I don’t know if his life is suffering or all life involves suffering or it’s something that I’m, I’m sure I’m getting that wrong, but, you know, the over under is life.

Life has suffering involved with it, period. No matter what you do. Right. Mm-hmm. It, it’s all how you scale it, so you know, suffering a little bit as a dad on some long nights mm-hmm. Versus all the suffering you put on other things. Yeah.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. Seems seems really silly. It’s like the amount of sleepless nights I had for, I don’t know, whatever work thing that I was doing and whatever.

And here I have this thing that I wouldn’t trade for any amount of money in the world that’s not even close to the scales aren’t even close to like whatever that work thing was versus [00:40:00] this. It’s like, not even a question, which one is more important? Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: It is. Yeah. I, I feel like people do a disservice throwing all the negative.

Right. When you become a dad, it’s like we, we are trying to dash people’s hopes or something.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. Yeah. That’s why that’s, that’s one thing that I, I did have like a few really solid fathers around me that, that really gave me the like honest, but also the positive side to it as well. Yeah. I get the honest, difficult part, but kind of missing the other half of the coin if you don’t give me that too.

So I, I did have some people that gave me both sides and, and yet, you know, I just, I don’t know if I’m misreading, but I just, it feels like culture as a whole is kind of a, like painting parenthood and fatherhood. It has this like terrible path, this, this suffering path like we were talking about and it just doesn’t feel [00:41:00] true at all.

And I don’t know what that’s about, but um, it’s almost like the not cool path. I don’t know if that makes sense ’cause of the funny how fatherhood is all

Brent Dowlen: of a sudden counterculture.

Chris Marhefka: It’s wild. It’s wild. Yeah. Like raising a family and like having like a happy home life. Yeah. That was the thing, like when I went from like, after being divorced and kind of being a bachelor again and, and then going into a relationship with my now wife, it was like I had these thoughts of like, oh, I’m gonna lose this and lose this and lose this.

And then I was like, but I’m also gonna gain this and gain this. And, and, and the what I gained was even way better than I thought it was. And the things that I quote unquote lost, I don’t miss at all. And then it happened again when our daughter came in. I, I had these fears. I was like, oh, I’m gonna have to give this up and I won’t have time for that and this and this and this.

And I was going through. [00:42:00] I’m like, I don’t anything that I actually like stopped doing or did to less. I don’t really miss it at all compared to what I gained. And, and, um, I think that’s part of the, like what we were talking about is being able to see the benefits. The cost is like an easy, that’s an easy deal.

I’ll do that deal all day. Uh, when you actually see the, the good parts about it,

Brent Dowlen: it’s almost like we try and pack our life with value and meaning until we actually experience real value and meaning and all of a sudden those other things are like,

Chris Marhefka: ah, yeah.

And I realized, man, how much time and energy I wasted on, on just stu stupid stuff.

Stuff that doesn’t matter. Stuff that’s not important to me. When I didn’t have it, I was like. [00:43:00] What did I spend all my time on? Like, what was I doing? And so, like from a tactical perspective, it got me super dialed in. It got me sharp. Um, yeah. And, and uh, that’s another gift she gave me is like, oh, I cut out a lot of fat in my life.

That’s for sure.

Brent Dowlen: Well, let’s shift gears into that. Let’s talk about that. You said you wanted to explore a little bit how life changes, right? Mm-hmm. As a father, once you become a father, how that looks and it’s different. Yeah. So let’s, let’s keep going over there.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. I’ll, I’ll, I’ll stick with that and then I’ll kind of add a few other things.

It, it sharpened, it sharpened me to what was really important. It was like an immediate, um, like place things in hierarchy, like right away. And.[00:44:00]

I think because of, there was now something that is this living, breathing soul in a human body that is counting on me. And they can’t, like, they don’t yet have the ability to take care of themselves or take care of certain needs. And so it was like this instant snapping into reality. It was like, oh, I’m actually really, like, someone really relies on me.

Something like my business if, if I don’t show up a day or whatever, like, okay, there’ll be maybe a problem is or whatever, but this is a human being that I, that I’ve committed to caring for. And so it like snapped everything into perspective for me. Of like, what do I, where do I really need to put my attention and what’s really important?

And it just bled over into everything else I cleaned up, like my agreements in [00:45:00] business and with clients like I tightened, I tightened a lot of things up just ’cause I didn’t have space for there to be all this extra fluff in my life. Uh, so it, it definitely sharpened me there. The other thing it really did, which I also don’t hear about as much, and maybe guys don’t get this lesson, but it gave me in even deeper appreciation for my wife.

And for women in general, like watching her go through labor, going through her process of becoming a mother and like how challenging that really is physically, emotionally, mentally, like watching her go through that and come out on the other side and like really feel her power as a mother and her strength and like, it gave me so much more respect.

And I’ve always respected women, but just the depth of it [00:46:00] has have like such a deep appreciation for it where it was just kind of like, yeah, of course, type thing. In, in the past it gave me so much more appreciation for my own parents. So much compassion for the things I thought were like, they weren’t doing a good job and they were just keeping their head above water and like doing their best.

Um, it, it, it deepened my relationship with them because I did have more understanding for them. Uh, yeah. And just like all parents in gen, it made me just like a generally more compassionate and understanding person if I were to be honest. So like everything, ’cause it made me realize like when I go out to the, the grocery store or I go on a work call or just go out and see friends, like they don’t know the night that I just had or like what I just went through or like the, the, the conflict that came up with my wife over this stress and whatever.

And like, [00:47:00] it just made me realize everyone at every gi any given point could be going through something really, really challenging and difficult. And that’s maybe why they’re showing up the way that they are. And maybe they just need a little more understanding and, and maybe need someone to ask, to ask them like, how are they doing?

And, um. It made me a better friend. ’cause I check in on, especially my guys that are new fathers, my buddies that are new fathers, I check in on ’em, like, how are you doing? Like really, man? Like, how are you doing? Um, a lot of people ask like, how’s baby doing? How’s mama doing? He’s not as common to ask how dad’s doing?

She’s like, yeah, dad’s doing his, like, he’s got it. But oftentimes dads are going through like a, like a quiet, a quiet challenge or suffering inside and they’re kind of like, the buck stops with them so they don’t always have somewhere they can let that out. And so I, I, I think it’s made me a better father and I’ll like reach out [00:48:00] to, especially on the first, I’m, I’m so close to it on the first few weeks, months year.

Like it’s tough. And so I try to be, be there for them

similar to the. Similar to the, like, putting things in priority in like hierarchy in my life, what’s important? Uh, I also realize that I’ve cut a lot of, I don’t know, bs, I don’t know what the explicit languages on the show. I’ve cut a lot of BS out of my life, and so I don’t, um, I don’t put up with like people or things that are just out of integrity, like they’re.

For instance, like, I don’t, I don’t do gossip. I don’t do like shit talking about someone else. And so if someone’s doing it, I’ll just like, no, like, no, we’re not doing that here. And, and [00:49:00] so like, I’ve just realized I’ve been a lot more like sharp. I used to be like a really like nice guy that I wanted everyone to like me.

And now I’m just like, no. Like I’m, I’m just gonna tell it like it is. And uh, that’s definitely come out of, I think it’s part of just the, there’s no time to waste. Like, let’s just cut right to it. Let’s just do it. Um, so yeah, all those things. Uh, what else? It’s definitely made me more patient. I think that’s a, I would say that’s a common lesson for a lot of, a lot of new fathers patient because I mean, you can, if you really want to, you can control the situation, but that’s not the way I’ve chosen a parent.

Like the shut up, shut up, shut. No, it’s not, not our. Not my style and not my wife’s style. And so the way we just address things is we have a much, [00:50:00] uh, looser expectations of the way things are gonna go. And then also, especially on me as like the leader of the household, being sharper with planning. That was one thing I was never really good with, like buffer time or travel time.

And I would always like show up like a few minutes late to things that does not happen anymore. And you would think it would be the opposite, but it’s, it’s because I’ve sharpened and I’ve gotten better at it, and I’m like, no, baby. Like we we’re, we’re. An hour before we leave. Like I’m already in the process of getting the things, even if I’m doing other things too, I’m like, okay, I’m putting these things aside.

I’m like giving her like, okay, we’re gonna be in one hour, we’re leaving, and then in 30 minutes we’re leaving. Okay, what can I do to help? So all those things help create like a, a tighter structure for the family, but then also sometimes even with the best of that, it’s just not going on the timeframe that we [00:51:00] want.

And so the old me would’ve gotten so stressed about that and like, no, no, no. Drive faster. Do it. And I’m like, no. Like it is what it is. We’ll, we’ll, we’ll do what we can and we’ll do better next time. But like, this is just what’s happening. And so we, we travel a lot as a family and people ask us all the time, like.

How do you do that? Like how do you fly on the planes and go through all stuff? He’s like, just that a lot more planning to, a lot more buffer time and you just kind of let go of expectations. Like sometimes we travel with friends and sometimes we plan to meet up and we’re just like, look, can’t do it now.

It’s surprise nap time. Or we’re just having a fit right now. Like, we’re just can’t do it. So, and uh, yeah, that’s, uh, it’s definitely another way. It’s, it’s changed, changed me, um,

one that I’m, [00:52:00] man, I was gonna say, it’s, it’s, it’s made me a lot more, uh, how should I say, vigilant. In like assessing. Sometimes I feel, uh, I, I wasn’t military, but I, if it, I feel like a special force is operative. Like when I go into a room sometime, or, or, or even when we travel and we’re like in an Airbnb, like, I’m like scanning the room for like, okay, what could break, what could hurt her?

Like what could, yeah. And I’ll do the same like as we go out, I’m almost like scanning and I’m like, okay, like we’re good. We’re good, we’re good. Uh, you know, in foreign countries and places where you’re not familiar with, it just made me a little more like vigilant. Um, yeah, it’s another way. It’s changed me for sure.

I’ll pause

Brent Dowlen: there. It’s interest to [00:53:00] me because what I’m hearing in a lot of this, sorry, congested, today, what I’m hearing in a lot of this is you are much more aware of your energy. I hear like big, you know, YouTube entrepreneurs talking about mining your energy over mining your schedule, right? Mm-hmm. I’m, I’m a big calendar guy, but it’s one of the concepts that I’ve tried to wrap my head around more is Right, mining my energy even over my calendar.

Chris Marhefka: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: Right? Mm-hmm. You, you don’t gossip as much or shoot the crap as much. Why? Because it’s draining. It’s draining, right? Yeah. You don’t, you plan better because it takes less energy to plan well and have things go right than to wait for the last second or not have things and have things go c chaos.

Right? I’m

Chris Marhefka: hearing you talk

Brent Dowlen: about it and with your entrepreneur, entrepreneur or background, that’s [00:54:00] really what I’m hearing. It’s like it’s really made you mindful of your energy, how you’re showing up, where you’re placing that energy because you know that as the day goes, you have so much today. You have so much energy for you to be able to show up and with that priority is showing up for your daughter and showing up for your wife, right?

It’s, you have to be much more mindful of everything else that is happening and what you’re letting that take out of you and how you’re responding to that. Right. Takes a lot more energy to get bent about, oh my God, we’re late. Right? And time is a big issue for me. Like I, I was, I was raised, my dad was 20 minutes early, 30 minutes early for everything, um, that I was in the military for a while and my siblings were in the military.

And so, Lombardi’s world of time is the golden standard for us. Um, and so I’ve always been very, very time aware. I’m, [00:55:00] I’m 15 minutes early for everything and I hate being late because I know I’m gonna react badly to it still. It’s something I’m working on growing up. I’m gonna react badly to. But that takes so much more outta me to have that bad reaction than to go, oh, well.

Right. Yeah. And so that’s, that’s what I’m really hearing is it’s made you very mindful of your energy in everything, in all aspects of your life. It’s like, hmm, I have to show up here. Mm-hmm. So therefore I have to be mindful of what everything else is doing to me. Mm-hmm.

Chris Marhefka: Yeah. Absolutely. And I, I’m like you, I, I appreciate the calendar, but the calendar is just like the beginning point.

It kind of gives me the frame of like, okay, what are the options? What am I definitely committed to? And then like, what are the other things in between there? And that’s another thing I started doing that I realized, I, I, it [00:56:00] helped me a lot was I program and my wife talked about this like the week beforehand.

Like I program all the time. Times of every day where I’m going to be the sole. Like I’ve got Elizabeth, I’ve got her, you do whatever. And I tell her, okay, from this time to this time, like I’ve got her no matter what. This is my time. And I hold that the same way I would hold an appointment with my clients or with my business partner.

It’s like, no, that’s an appointment. That’s a commitment to my wife and a commitment to my daughter. And so I started doing that and that made life so much easier. ’cause it also helped me be honest and ’cause like one day I’m like, baby, I’ve got like eight hours of back-to-back meetings. I plan this wrong.

Client’s booked in here. I was like, today I’m not gonna have the space that I would normally have for like normally be on top of my game. And she’s like, get it. Cool. Awesome. Pick up the slack today, and then that allows me to look at a week and just make sure that like, I’m [00:57:00] fulfilling. I think a lot of guys look at like their role in their career and their job as like the top thing.

Make sure I gotta, I gotta really make sure I’m hitting my numbers there. You also have numbers for your wife, for your kids as well. They may not be the ones doing, they may not do performance reviews for you, but like, there’s numbers there and so I, I, I look at it that way. I’m like, I gotta hit my numbers.

I gotta make sure that I’m even more, like even more important. I would argue that more important than your job. Because you can go out and get another job. You get fired, whatever, get another job, do another thing, learn another skillset. But I’ve been through the pain of relationship ending, and I can’t imagine the pain of like relationship ending with a child and like having a breaking there because I was a absentee father or whatever.

And so, I don’t know. I, I, again, I think all this is filtering through the wisdom of age. Um, I would not have had the same mindset in my [00:58:00] twenties or even thirties. But, um, yeah, it’s, uh, it’s, it’s, I think it starts with realizing like how important our role is. Uh, not in like a heavy, burdensome way, but like there’s a real responsibility there.

And I’m grateful I got to choose to be a father. I know a lot of guys don’t choose that. I know. It just happens. It’s a surprise. Like we didn’t plan it, we weren’t really fully on the same page or whatever. Like, I’m, I’m grateful I, I got to choose. We said yes, and it happened. And, um, I can really understand how it would be difficult if a man didn’t fully consciously choose, but once your child is here, you’ve already, you’ve already gone to the finish line.

Like you’re, [00:59:00] I’m, what I’m saying is like, you’re already a father whether you like it or not. And so you can either resist that, you can either resist the responsibility of fatherhood and that’s where all the suffering and the misery comes in. Or you can say, look, it wasn’t what I initially chose, but like, can I really go all in?

Can I choose now even if I didn’t choose before? And there’s something really powerful in that. I even have to remember that all the time. I’m like, I chose this, I chose this when it’s really, I’m like, okay, I chose this. This is part of the deal. This is just what I get to do. Yeah. Um, it’s just a good reminder to when we, when we choose these things in our life, they instantly lose some of the, the weights or the tension that comes with them.

And, uh, yeah. I don’t know. I was going, going with that, but I know there’s a lot of, uh, a lot of guys I work with and they didn’t always consciously choose it. And that kind of presents a difficult situation for a man, right? Like a man [01:00:00] wants to choose his life and they, it’s important that he’s, he’s committing to things that he actually cares about.

And it’s a tough thing. ’cause once, once the child’s here, it’s like you’re already, you’re already a father to it. Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: No takebacks. It’s

Chris Marhefka: Yep.

Brent Dowlen: No. Done deal takebacks. Done deal. Done deal. Mm-hmm. Chris, where would be the best place for people to connect with you? Hmm.

Chris Marhefka: So there’s, uh, two places I always give.

One is my personal site, chris marhefka.com. That’s a tough thing to spell. It sounds intimidating, my last name, but, uh, and then the other one is 13 pines.com. It’s, uh, 13 spelled all out. And that’s the name of the, uh, the men’s work company that I do with retreats and programs and stuff. Those are the two best places to get all the information about, like everything that I do.

Mm-hmm.

And then, uh, Instagram would be a [01:01:00] close second at Chris Marhefka.

Brent Dowlen: Guys, of course. We’ll have all those connection points down in the show notes to make sure that you can connect with Chris. Chris, as we wrap this up. We’ve covered some really great conversations today and just digging into fatherhood, there’s a lot of value for the too long didn’t listen group.

If they hear nothing else today, what do you want the men listening day to hear?

Chris Marhefka: Yeah,

I would say to kind of wrap it all up, we shared, both of us shared a lot of personal stories and just lesson learned, lessons learned around the gifts and the positive side about being a father, and that if times get tough and you don’t [01:02:00] necessarily remember that and you’re in the suffering.

Take a moment and get on the ground and play with your child and let it all flood back into you. Like, let the goodness of being a father like flood back in. And it makes a lot of the things that we think problems are, problems go away really fast when we really remember the, the beauty and the responsibility and the gift of being a father.

And I, I would say that like sums a lot of it up. Um, and the other thing that, this was something I wrote in my, my journal actually, right before I became a father, I said, don’t forget to let it change me. Like let it make me a better man. Let it, let it change me, let it work me. [01:03:00] Because if I was committed to being the same guy I was before I had kids, I would be miserable.

I’d be, there’d be a lot of tension there. There’d be a lot of things that I’d be fighting with, but I let it change me and it changed me for the better.

Yeah, better all around. So that’s what I would wrap it up with. Hopefully that’s helpful

Brent Dowlen: guys, for myself and Chris, as always, thanks for joining us today here on the Dad Hat Shenanigans podcast. We’re just a community of dads navigating life’s challenges together. It’s a big fraternity and we have a lot to learn from each other.

So until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad [01:04:00] life.