From Confrontation to Connection A Mans Guide to Hard Conversations

[00:00:00] You’ve probably been there. You start a conversation with someone you love, and before you know it, the room is tense. Words are said, feelings are hurt. And you leave wondering, why did I even say that? Handling tough conversations is like walking a tightrope over a pit of landmines. One misstep in a relationship could seriously take a hit.

The crazy part, most of us go on into these conversations with the wrong goal in mind from the beginning, we think. Winning is the answer. Today, I’m sharing a 10 step framework. I’ve learned through the years of mistakes, arguments, and honestly some tears to have the conversations that matter without destroying the relationship in the process.

And here’s the kicker. A lot of it goes against what your instincts might tell you, but. You will not win every argument. That’s not the point. The real win is keeping the relationship intact while still addressing the tough stuff. [00:01:00] Stick with me because by the end of this episode, you’ll know how to do that exactly.

We’re gonna break this into three sections. We’re gonna talk about pre-conversation, the actual conversation, and post conversation right off the bat. Never, ever, ever have a tough conversation when you’re overly tired. Having a hard conversation when you’re wiped out is like a kiss of death for your relationship.

And our sponsors over at MyPillow can help you with that sleep part. So we’re gonna check in with them for 60 seconds then get right into it. Gentlemen, we’re a MyPillow household. I have dozens of MyPillow products, so that I use every single day. In fact, I just had lunch with my family and I was using MyPillow dish towels ’cause I grew up with cup towels instead of napkins because.

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Because like I said, having conversations when you’re exhausted, bad. Now let’s get back to our show. The Driven 2 Thrive Broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving. Purpose-filled intentional lives. Welcome to The Driven 2 Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men.

I’m your host, Brent Dowlen, and we help men go from living to thriving purpose-filled intentional lives. Now I am, uh, doing this episode is a little more of a baritone base today because my throat [00:03:00] is wrecked. So bear with me. Uh, maybe we’ll get lucky. My voice will stay like this. So guys, we wanna start with the pre-conversation.

So I’ve got three questions for you. You need to ask yourself before you get into a tough conversation with anybody else, because the successful conversation actually starts before you ever have the conversation. It starts when you start thinking about having a conversation. So point number one is what is your motivation?

Before you say a word, ask yourself, why am I having this conversation? Is it for me? Is it for the relationship? Too often our conversations are about proving we’re right or justifying a decision or getting frustration, and that’s where the damage starts. I remember one time I started a conversation with my wife about an issue.

My real motivation, I. It was to vent and get validation. I was frustrated for an issue at work, had nothing to do with my [00:04:00] wife, but I started a huge conversation with her about something important that really had nothing to do with her. So she was completely blindsided. Guys. This was a huge mistake. She felt attacked.

I was totally off base with this and totally outta line. The whole thing blew up ’cause it was never actually about communicating. It was really about me just blowing off the frustrations I had from work. And I took it out by picking a fight with my wife and it was utterly stupid. So before you were gonna have a conversation with your wife, your child, someone important to you.

’cause that’s what this whole conversation is about, is having hard conversations. People you care about. Ask yourself these questions. Am I trying to force an issue? Am I serving myself or the relationship is me? This for me or for us? Is it actually important to have this conversation? Is the conversation even necessary or am I just looking [00:05:00] for a way to blow off some steam?

If your motivation is self-serving, the conversation is already set to fail, and you should bail right here and now. Start here and you’re gonna give. Every other ch step in this thing to total failure if you start with a negative motivation. So you need to really check that temperature, guys. I mean, think of this as checking your compass before you start a hike with the right direction even, or I should say without the right direction, even the most careful steps.

Can get you lost. It can lead you off the trail. And here’s the thing, most people never stop to check their compass before a conversation, which why so many talks blow up before they even really start, and you don’t know why. Now, knowing why you’re talking is one thing, but do you wanna win the conversation or preserve the relationship?

You see, the next question will [00:06:00] completely change how you show up. And most people get it wrong. So the second part of this whole process is, is it more important for you to win or to maintain and protect the relationship? You see, we have a lot of con conversations that are unnecessary when we were looking at our motivation, right?

Do we really even need to have this conversation? Winning belongs in sports. It belongs in debates. It belongs in actual arguments, like not. Conversation, but tough conversations with loved ones. Now it doesn’t, okay. The goal is connection, understanding, and moving forward together as a couple in a real conversation.

So for example, sometimes I want to get my way in a discussion, right? ’cause, ’cause we do, right? We’re humans and sometimes we just want to get our way. You have that discussion with your wife and really you’re just. You’re trying to get what you want. Let’s face it, we’ve all done it. [00:07:00] And sometimes when I want to just get my way in a discussion with my wife, I’m thinking, all right.

But choosing winning often means that my wife feels unheard of or unheard. Unheard of, unheard or maybe manipulated. ’cause I’m really good at debating. And so I’m, I’m pretty good at these power debates. It was a big thing for me in school. Uh. So she can feel really manipulated. If I’m going in with this, I’m gonna win mentality because that’s, if that’s your mentality, you’re gonna manipulate things to win.

She might feel disrespected and then the issues escalate Instead. I’ve learned to focus on getting the thought moving when I talk to her, not on making her see my way, not on winning, not on, Hey, we’re gonna have this huge. I just wanna get the thought moving a lot of times. ’cause that’s when progress actually happens.

So for example, I’ve, I’ll say something like, Hey, [00:08:00] I’ve been thinking about X and I think it would benefit X because of X. And you can fill in those blanks. We’ve all done it, right? I’ve been thinking about buying this new workout equipment because I think it would benefit all of us because it’s something we could all use and it will help us all feel better.

Right? You’ve had this conversation, but here’s the important part. With my wife, I have to say, Hey, would you think about that some? And later, after you’ve had some time to think about it, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Now, why do I do it that way? Because I know my wife doesn’t like to be put on the spot, and she likes having time to think about things.

Now. She’s thinking about it. So when we talk, we’re coming together as equals. It’s not an ambush of a conversation. It’s not about winning the conversation. She’s now equipped and we’re coming together to have a conversation, not an argument or a debate. If you chase the [00:09:00] win, an ambush is a great tool, but if you’re chasing conversation, an ambush is.

Utter destruction, and you’ll lose more than just this argument. You’ll lose trust. You’ll lose intimacy. You’ll lose emotional safety for your spouse. The relationship is the scoreboard. Winning becomes irrelevant even if your motivation is secure, right? We’re not trying to win because winning can and will erase all good intentions.

Think about it.

The very fact that there’s a winner in, in an argument means there’s a loser, guys. So it’s no longer a communication. I, I’m beating this one to death, but it’s really important because as men, we like to win at everything. And this way lays so many healthy relationships. So even if your motivation is pure, [00:10:00] trying to win can erase all the good intentions.

Think about it. Have you. Ever been in right in an argument, felt like you lost. Anyway, that’s because relationships aren’t scored like debates, and that’s why most people completely misstep in this area. Here’s the secret, right? Mindset alone won’t say this conversation even when your intention is straight.

If you don’t know how the other person processes information, all your prep work is gonna fall thought. So let’s dive into that next. The third step in this system is what’s the best way to communicate with this person? Now, you might be communicating with your spouse. You might be communicating with one of your kids.

This is applicable to both. You might be communicating with your best friend, still applicable. You’re not talking to strangers. You already know what works, and more importantly, what doesn’t in a conversation with this person that you’re thinking about having a conversation with. Right? We still haven’t even started the conversation.[00:11:00]

This is the pre-conversation, and this is really important because the conversation goes really sideways or on track based on these three steps. So this same conversation with one person could go find in the morning, are blow up in the evening based on the best way to communicate with them, timing, method, and environment matter.

For example, my wife knows that trying to discuss a tough topic with me. As my head is literally hitting the pillow is a disaster waiting to happen. I’m not gonna remember the conversation and we might as well not have had it interrupt me at work. Bad idea standing over my wife while she’s working on something for a client.

Even worse idea, choose your timing and method based on how they best receive communication, not your own convenience. Like I said, it takes forethought. Choosing the right context is as important as the words themselves. So set the stage and you massively [00:12:00] increase your chances of productive outcome. Now, I actually take another step in here, and you guys can take this or not.

I’m a Christian, and so for me, anytime before I get into a big conversation with my wife, are my kids, any kind of major tough conversation. I stop and pray about it before the conversation, and it doesn’t have to be formal. You don’t have to say certain words. It just helps me to get my head and my heart in the right place and calm and focused and empathetic if I take some time and pray about the conversation before it ever happens, because then I know I’m going to it with the right kind of attitude.

So you’ve already got your motivation and your mindset aligned, and this last step was all about delivery. Because even the right words can fail if you pick the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong tone, you know what we’re saying? Think of it like this. A message in a bottle is utterly useless if it lands in the wrong ocean or if it lands on an abandoned island.

Right? [00:13:00] Location matters, right? With location, location, location. That’s a business, right? Yet, timing and delivery are just the beginning. Humans are wired in fascinating ways, and understanding the brain behind the person you’re talking to can actually flip a conversation from tense to productive. So that’s what we’re gonna dive into next as we move into the actual conversation part of this 10 step process.

The next five tips are for the conversation, and it starts with respecting the underlying biology and brain chemistry of another human being. Why am I talking about biology and brain chemistry? I know not all everybody is Andrew Huber, and I’m certainly not, but there are some basics that you absolutely have the power to understand.

Without spending umpteen years in college, for example, people process information differently. Some need emotional connections. Some need logical facts to process. [00:14:00] How we position ourselves physically also communicates a lot in this conversation. So like for example, I process best side by side while walking or doing some manual labor with my hands, like something menial.

I can articulate my feelings better. It just works better for me. Conversely, my wife processes better sitting down face to face with like notes or where she can reference something. Uh, and totally be in the conversation. And then there’s the words you’re using. Women often respond better to emotional language.

Things like I feel, I think men often respond better to facts. Research shows statistically it is right. Definitive it is. It’s part of the hard wiring of our biology and brain chemistry. Men frequently experience conversations better like I do, and that is side by side, not looking at each other, [00:15:00] but doing something together.

Women, for the most part, not everything, but you know, there’s always exceptions, process, better face to face, and this is the way we communicate best. Understanding how that person that you’re gonna talk to is gonna absorb information. It keeps the conversation from derailing. It’s not manipulation. It’s actually meeting them where they are and how they think and process things, which makes you a more effective communicator.

Now, notice how this connects everything so far, right? We started with motivation and mindset and delivery, and they all meet here in respecting how the other person is going to process information most effectively. Then you know that standing over someone or arguing face-to-face at the wrong moment can literally trigger a defensive chemical reaction in their brain.

That’s why positioning matters a lot more than you think. That’s why on my dad show, I encourage dads to get eye to eye with their kids instead of standing and talking to them. [00:16:00] It has to do with neuroscience and it has to do with the way we communicate best, but brains aren’t everything. You could still absolutely sabotage the conversation if your words don’t land with love, and that’s why communicating with care is our next big step, and that means sticking to one issue.

You see, most tough conversations fail because people dump their emotional baggage in, right? Once you start talking and the conversation heats up, we tend to drag old trash into it, emotional baggage, stress, everything else. Once we, it’s like once we engage and it gets a little tense, everything just, blah, it was word vomit, right?

Stick to one issue per discussion. Plain and simple, don’t drag in add-ons. Don’t pull in past failures or use terms like you always, or you frequently do this or you never. Guys, I’ve learned it [00:17:00] the hard way once I tried to pull in an argument, but ended up listing every like, perceived, past mistake that my wife had ever made, and it was a total asshole move on my part.

My wife shut down. I got frustrated. The whole conversation collapsed. Women frequently have a habit of pulling old issues. In particular, the minute you start dragging in old baggage, you’ve lost the value of the conversation and any productive outcome, and now you’re just doing damage control. This conversation cannot move forward with you.

Be defensive about old things or. With you assailing them with old shortcomings or failures. Clarity reads leads to results. One issue equals focus. Discussion. Brain dumps equal disaster. So sit with that one because this is going to derail a lot of meaningful [00:18:00] conversations by focusing on one issue at a time.

You prevent the conversation from turning into an emotional bumping ground, and here’s a mindblower for you. Most fellow conversations aren’t about the big issue that you were discussing. They fail because someone brought up everything else all at once. Zooming in keeps the dialogue sharp and manageable.

Yet even focusing on that one point won’t work if your words are cold or harsh. Delivering the message with intentional love is a secret that most people skip, which brings us to step six, which is communicate with love. See, every person hears value, kindness, and positively positivity differently. They also hear the negative stuff differently.

So use the other person’s love language. Now, if you’re not familiar with love languages, I absolutely a thousand percent, that’s always in the library on my website. [00:19:00] I cannot tell you enough that book will change your world, and you absolutely need to be familiar with the concept of love languages. If you’re not familiar with the person’s love language, then get familiar.

Like I said, these recommendations aren’t for strangers. Several of these conversation basics have some benefit there with strangers as well. This conversation techniques, these 10 steps, is really dealing with people who are close to you and having hard conversations with them. Now, all love languages can be used in communication if you don’t know your love languages.

One of ’em is gift giving, and it’s like, well, how do I work that into the conversation? The fact is you can elicit the feelings. For a language like gift giving without a physical gift, it’s in tailoring the way you speak to elicit the same emotional response to that gift giving. And like I said, you absolutely need to read the book.

It will change your [00:20:00] relationship for the better. I promise you, my wife responds best to verbal affirmations, which is. Love language. It is not my love language, so it’s a big struggle for me ’cause it’s actually the bottom on the scale for me. I respond best to actions. So knowing your person, knowing the person you’re talking to is really important, right?

Knowing their love language, learning to speak their love language in a non, in verbal communication. It’s gonna be an incredibly valuable skill as a husband or a father. Also, avoid derogatory languages like sarcasm, pot shots, stuff like that. It, it negates the positive direction of a conversation. If someone goes on the defensive, it doesn’t, you can’t get that recovered quickly.

The conversation’s over. It’s failed. Guys, I’ve had to bail and pivot many times because. I went sarcastic or I put my wife on her heels [00:21:00] and at that point it’s just damage control. I’m prior prioritizing the relationship over being right and just trying to undo the mess I just created instead of having the convers conversation ’cause the conversation’s over.

At that point, my voice may not last this whole time. So love is an amplifier without a even perfect words can sound harsh. So learning to communicate with love verbally will secure and stabilize the conversation while protecting everybody emotionally and mentally. But here’s where most people triple up.

You can speak with love all day, but if you’re not listening, you’re still gonna miss the mark. And that’s why active listening is the next game changer. So step seven is to practice active listening. Listening is more than hearing words. It’s observing the tone, the body language, the emotion, the facial expressions.

When my wife shares something difficult, I try and focus on how she’s feeling, not just what she says. So I’m, I’m trying to read her [00:22:00] facial cues and her body language, and the tone and the energy behind the tone. I try and repeat it back what I heard for clarity and check in and make sure that she feels understood.

Now, I try. I don’t always do this. Well. This is as much for me as it is for anybody else. Now, for all of us who don’t remember Lower Elementary very well, here’s a quick review of what active listing looks like and if you wanna skip ahead to the next point. I understand that, but. Based on just my observations of society, the majority of people are not taught what active listening is anymore.

So if you’ve forgotten or you’ve never taught in, never taught in, that’s good language. If you were never taught, here’s a quick review of what active listening actually looks like. Listen, attentively and observe. Watch for nonverbal communication as well as making eye contact. Listen for emotions, not just words.

When someone is conveying a message, there are two meanings together, [00:23:00] the content and the feeling or attitude under the message. Pay attention to the tone of voice and facial expressions. Do not start thinking about your response instead of listening to them, which is what most people do these days. They don’t actually listen.

Ask clarifying questions as appropriate. Summarize in your own words what was expressed, and verify that with the speaker and respond to what was said after listening when the response is appropriate. The listeners should respond to the feelings of what was said, not just the words, and in this way, the speaker feels understood and empathy is established.

Open up the dialogue by continuing until by continuing until by listening to their response to what you said and go back and forth, right? This is the way an active listening conversation goes until we all know that we are on the same page and have been heard clearly. Communication is clear. That is active listening, guys, mastering that alone will help you in [00:24:00] business, personal and professional worlds guarantee it.

Active listening prevents misunderstandings. It ensures everybody leaves the conversation. All on the same page. Active listening is actually the bridge between intention and understanding. Without it, you’re just talking into space, and here’s something crazy. Studies show that we only remember about half of what someone actually said, and even less of the feeling behind the words because most people are so busy formulating their next response, they’re not actually listening to anybody at all, which is why we have so many misunderstandings these days.

It happens. In the professional and personal world, and it happens in every relationship all the time, and it’s something we all need to work on, and it’s something that will change every relationship that you have. Listening well changes everything still, even with personal lifting person, perfect listening skills, your ego can hijack the process.

Most people think listening is [00:25:00] enough, but it’s not. Drop the ego is step eight, and it might feel a bit uncomfortable. Nothing kills honest communication faster than your pride. Ask questions, admit that you don’t understand or you don’t get it. Embrace feeling a little foolish ego, short circuit the entire process.

My friend Annie and I were talking the other night, we had a great conversation and one of the things that he conveyed to me that he practices both as a husband. As a father and even in the business world, is that it’s better to feel dumb and clarify than to be dumb and walk away thinking everybody’s on the same page.

He will ask the questions even if everybody else in a meeting is like, yeah, yeah, I totally get it. He’ll be like, I don’t explain it to me. When his daughters share something with him. He’s like, I don’t even know what that [00:26:00] is. Can you. Catch me up, right? This is something he practices in every aspect of his life.

And guys, it is a huge value thing add, but most of us let our ego get in the way and we hear a fraction of what was said. And then we don’t ask questions because we don’t want to feel dumb or make them feel like we’re not listening to them, which was probably the case, but. You have to keep asking questions.

You have to let that, oh, I might look bad or I might look stupid. Go and actually ask questions until everybody is on the same page and understanding. And guess what? Especially like in the work environment, if you’re confused in a meeting when your boss is handing out instructions, you’re probably not the only one in the room.

You’re just the only one brave enough to say anything. Humility keeps the conversation productive. Ego ends the conversation almost instantly because [00:27:00] ego clouds clarity, showing up, humble and curious lets the conversation be about connection, not proving a point, and that’s what conversations really are.

It’s about connection. You know, the majority of arguments aren’t lost because of facts, but because someone can’t admit they might be wrong. Ego is the silent killer. In tough talks, even with humility, conversations are meaningless without actions. This is where a lot of people think the job is done, but they’re wrong because until we set a clear actual plan.

We, we haven’t actually achieved anything. Gentlemen, if your relationships are not where you want them to be, I want you to know I got you. Relationships take a lot of work and they can fall on the back burner pretty easily. As you are empire building your life, men often suffer from damage to their relationships while they’re [00:28:00] trying to provide for the people.

That are those relationships. I know it’s a sick loop. Well, I help men with the skills, techniques, and solutions to rebuild thriving relationships with the people they love. Even if you’ve struggled with being the husband or father that you wanted to be in the past, it’s not too late. Reach out. Schedule your free discovery.

PurposeDrivenMen.com to learn the skills you need to connect deeply with the people who make life worth living. So this is step nine, which is the end of the conversation section and the beginning of the post conversation section. ’cause the conversation still has to happen. But as you come to an understanding, step nine is the follow up beyond the conversation.

It’s creating an immediate action plan. This whole conversation was totally useless if you both forget it. If you both just have the conversation and walk away from it without action, [00:29:00] you just went through a whole lot of headache for no reason. So immediate action plans need to follow tough conversations.

You need to define the required outcome. We decided this. Okay, so this is the required outcome. Define the steps or the process to achieve that required outcome. Define the timeframe to achieve the outcome and define the definition of that outcome being achieved. Now, if this sounds a whole lot like setting goals and completing goals.

Yep. ’cause that’s what you’re doing. You had a tough conversation. You came up with an answer. Now you need to put together the action plan to make that work. Otherwise, why did you bother to have this conversation? This transforms it from a tough conversation to an actual, tangible process. [00:30:00] To make sure that whatever you talked about isn’t loss actions, that bridge between conversations and results.

Without it, the conversation’s just noise and will be forgotten, causing you much harder feelings because you had this tough conversation and that took a lot out of both of you emotionally, most likely. Guess what? If you forget it and don’t do anything with it, it’s gonna cause harder feelings. It’s gonna damage that relationship.

You went to all this trouble to have hard, the hard, hard conversation. So letting all that work go to pot will absolutely ensure future issues. Pro tip, write it out this, this process, this action. Step, write it out. Your brain is not good at storage. Even if you have a great memory, your brain is not good at storage.

Your brain is great at ideation and creativity. It’s not a endless story vault. Okay, I have multiple [00:31:00] eight and 16 terabyte storage drives on my computer desk right now as I’m recording this. My computer great at processing. It doesn’t have a big hard drive, and the more you put on the hard drive, the worse the computer performs for actual storing information.

And I have terabytes of data. I have external drives. That’s that’s all they do. Likewise, your brain’s great in the process and can hold a little bit of memory, but if you want it, you gotta put it in something that stores it. And that means writing out the idea, writing out the action plan because. Now you can remember it.

You have a plan in front of you, you can put it somewhere, and now you’re more likely follow it up because just by writing it out, you increase likelihood of achieving that plan by 54% just by writing it down. No kidding. So as an action plan, turns talk in a change [00:32:00] without it, a perfect conversation is just a.

Warm memory, so you might have had a great conversation, but without action. Once again, why most people never map out who does what by when or how they’ll know it will work. So everything kind of drifts unresolved, and then it just becomes unresolved issues in your relationship. Even a plan isn’t quite enough if you don’t circle back and make sure it worked.

That’s why step 10, the after action report, is what separates people who learn and grow from those who repeat the same mistakes in the relationships. Now, all of this can be done, like I said, with your wife, your best friend, your kids. This after action report is important. Check in to ensure accountability and clarity, right.

As you’re creating your action plan, the last step of that should be scheduling an after action report. Set that date to review your progress, adjust and refine and [00:33:00] reaffirm ’em with understanding that reflection closes the loop and prevents old patterns from sneaking back in. You had a hard conversation.

Now you’re moving to a resolution and bringing this whole process together to make sure that that. A conversation carries the value that it was supposed to have. The after action reports completes this loop. It makes accountability tangible and reinforces understanding. It strengthens trust because y’all didn’t just talk about it.

You did something about whatever it is, and we only have hard, hard conversations when something actually needs to be done. So think of it as closing the circle without it. Even The best conversation is just words floating in the air. So when you combine motivations, strategy, empathy, listing humility, and follow up, you don’t just handle tough conversations.

You’ve transformed them into opportunities for deeper connection and lasting results in your relationship. And that my friend, is the real win. So let’s zoom out just a little bit as we wrap this [00:34:00] up. Start with your clarity on why. Prioritize your relationship over winning. Communicate thoughtfully with active listening, and leave the ego at the door and follow up with action and reflection.

Tough conversations aren’t about proving a point. They’re about protecting what matters most. Your relationship handle ’em well, and they’ll become opportunities for understanding and connection and growth. Not conflict handling poorly, and you could become a statistic as far as your relationship. So the balls in your court.

Guys, this 10 step process is backed by science, is backed by all kinds of peer reviewed studies. I put this together after years and years and years of studying communications and of working on communications and years of mistakes in my own marriage and trying to refine the way I communicate with my wife and my [00:35:00] children.

I know it seems like a lot, but it will absolutely transform your relationship when you have to deal with. Hard conversations. If you do it the right way, they won’t be scary anymore. They’re gonna be things that make your relationship stronger. Guys, that’s it for today. Be better tomorrow because what you do today and we’ll see you on the next.

The Driven to Thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving purpose-filled intentional lives. Disclaimer, my like any other source cycles, promos because of the extended life cycle of a podcast. The immediate promotion that you heard mentioned in this episode may no no longer be.

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