Raising Warriors: The Unexpected Power of Dad Words | Oscar Pena

Oscar, every dad has that story, that story that just lights them up. Like you just love to tell about being a dad. Yeah. Just an experience, an an incident, whatever it is. What is your favorite dad story?

Dude, uh, my wife always says that this kind of little sadistic, um, but it was my, my oldest daughter, she was then, I think maybe four, maybe five.

Um, we shot her tooth out. With the bow and arrow, you know, like she had the bow and arrow, um, from, uh, that cartoon with the, the Irish, the Irish cartoon, I can’t remember the name of it. Right? Brave. Brave, yeah. So she had like the, the, the bow and the arrow, and she had had this tooth that just kept like wiggling and then she would eat, but then she would cry because it’s bugging her and whatnot.

So I kept trying to convince her like, we need to pull that out, you know, like I can pull it out and then she’d be like freaking out. Um, and. Finally I got her to convinced. I’m like, look, we’ll tie your tooth right to this little string. We’ll tie the string to this arrow, and then you’re gonna be brave and you’re going to fire the arrow and your tooth will come out.

And man, uh, we have it on video. It’s actually hilarious. She took so long, like she, she’d pull a little bit and then start crying, and then pull a little bit and start crying. I mean, it was just, it, I felt really bad because it made me laugh. I knew it wasn’t gonna hurt her. Right. But, but at the same time, like from an outsider’s perspective, you’re thinking that dude’s a dick.

What is he doing to his kid? Um, but finally she pulls, I, I personally think she accidentally let go, but she did let go. Arrow goes off somewhere and then she just kind of stops and she’s like. I did it. And then she, there’s no crying, like there’s no pain obviously. ’cause the tooth was super wiggly and tooth is gone and you know, we high five and that’s like the end of the video.

And, and I’m so glad my wife captured it on video. ’cause it was just one of those moments, like when she’s in high school and she wants to, you know, talk crap. I’m like, let’s watch this video. Come here. You know. So that was, that’s definitely one of the stories that kind of sticks with me for, it’s been stuck with me for a long time.

Oh my goodness. That needs to go. Like they, they have, uh. I dunno if y’all schools do it. The ones around here have like a, a senior video for all the different seniors that they play. Yeah, that’s right. That needs to go in there. That’s, that’s that’s next level. That’s right. That is, oh yeah.

That’s full embarrassment.

It’s going on there for sure.

Oh my goodness. I can’t wait. I’m gonna go tell my kids that story as soon as I, I tried to commit my oldest daughter to let me do that. Yeah. And, and she was like, uh, no, just no dad.

Yeah. Leave me alone.

My, my oldest daughter, her teeth don’t like to come out like they hang on for dear life.

Oh man. I, I

finally had to pull out one, ’cause like the other tooth was all, almost all the way in. And the old tooth is sticking straight out. It’s like, it’s gonna go through your lip, baby. No, we, we got out, uh, and I tried. I was like, I wanna use a bow. She’s like. No, that’s not happening. Right, but I’m gonna have tellers like, see, it works.

It works. Oscar, he said it works.

I tried to put that video up and one time my daughter’s like, absolutely not. You will not. She’s 13, so you know, image is big. She’s like, you will not put that video. All right, cool.

Gents. I sleep on a MyPillow. I sleep on MyPillow Giza sheets and MyPillow body pillows. I have MyPillow towels.

My wife wears MyPillow slippers. We have MyPillow merchandise throughout our entire house because it is such great quality products that I love every single one of ’em, and I would never recommend a company to you that I don’t use. We’re proud to have Mike Lindell and MyPillow as sponsors for the show, you go to mypillow.com and use code TFM super complicated.

That’s our parent company, the Fallible Man code TFM, for up to 80% off your order, and free shipping on orders over $75 for our listeners. You get to support a great American company that is employee owned, and you get to help us keep making shows just like this one that you’re listening to right now, as well as you get great products that you can trust and that are amazing in your home.

So go to mypillow.com. Use co tfm to get discounts on over 200 products, guys. It’s a win-win win for all of us. Let’s get back to the show.

Welcome to the Dad Hat Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered truth of being a dad. Real dads real stories, unca, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent Dowlen, and my guest today is Oscar Pena. Oscar. Uh, see, I cannot talk today. Wow, Oscar. So sorry. I’m butchering her off the bat. Welcome to the show to the idiot who can’t speak today, you know.

Hey man. Uh, Brent, thank you so much for having me. And listen, coffee’s still going and it’s not kicked in yet, so we’re gonna be on the same boat here. This, this might be a rough one for the listeners.

Yeah, yeah, I’m, I’m working my way through my first energy drink.

There you go.

So obviously I should have hit two or three more before we started this.

Well, we’ll, we’ll get through it.

Well, well, yeah. Oh yeah. We’ll make it work. ’cause that’s what dads do. They make it work. That’s right. Right. That’s just one of our superpowers as fathers and all the listeners, I guarantee have had this moment where it just for sure. Right. Oscar, how many kids do you have?

I have three crazy beautiful girls. I got a 13-year-old, a 9-year-old, and a 5-year-old.

And you started getting gray hair the minute they were born. Huh?

I, I started getting gray hair the morning. I knew I had, I had girls coming. It was that quick.

Oh, for all you guys listening, this is definitely gonna be a.

A valuable conversation for fatherhood, but we’re, we’re both girl dads, so we’re definitely gonna enjoy this. Uh, it, it’s a whole nother level when you have a girl. ’cause it just changes your perspective on the world radically. So you have three girls, which means three. You are plotting to bury lots of bodies along the way.

No, I’m just kidding. All the sensors were getting,

listen, I never said that. Uh, however,

you didn’t have to.

I am, uh, I, I may or may not be at least preparing to make myself capable of doing those things.

See, that’s, that’s the dad life, right. There is, it’s a job to raise the bar so high that your daughters can’t help find good guys.

That’s right.

Like every, every dad has to become Superman for that purpose alone.

Yep. Absolutely. They look at you and, uh, I think they need to see that. And then also. You know, on, on the kind of knuckle Drager side, I hope that those, those, uh, wrong guys that come around will also notice and they’ll go running without even, you know, trying anything.

So, um, that’s the hope, right? Because then the good guys will stick around ’cause they know they can keep up kind of thing.

Did you ever, uh, so I’m, I have this morbid sense of curiosity and so I, I used to read all kinds of things about like, you know, torture and about serial killers and stuff like that.

Right. Just this morbid fascination with really dark, weird stuff.

Yeah.

And I was reading an interview with a serial killer who stalk kids, and he said specifically the biggest barrier was he looked for. Girls without dads.

He, I, I, I think I know which one you’re talking about. And, uh, I’ve used that in many of my, um, social media stuff because what his, what he said was, he’s looking for, he, he stayed away from a man who looked capable, right?

And, and so if this guy’s looking for his targets based on. Not necessarily the child, but the surrounding adults, and particularly the dad, man, you better believe I’m gonna be capable.

Amen.

That’s right.

Oscar, you’re, you’re wearing a hat. I can’t see much of the front of it, but I’m, you gotta explain what, what’s the, what’s the dad hat?

So

I’m wearing a hat. I, I, I’m, dude, I’m like a, I’m like the boring, the most boring. Person to wear clothing. So this is why this is like super plain. Um, I have my, my, you know, my, my daughter’s shirt ’cause that’s, that’s what I am. And then most of the time I’m wearing a uniform at work and then at home I’m just, you know, flip flop shorts and a t-shirt, which drives my wife crazy.

But this hat essentially says what?

You know what I am. Oh, that’s a cool hat, dude. I gotta hit me one of those.

Yeah. And uh, so this one actually, um, there’s, there’s a company out there called Girl Dad without the I in there. Um, and we got together and he sent me a hat and I was like, this is a cool hat.

And that’s, I, I like it, it’s plain, but it says exactly who I am and that’s why I’m wearing the hat.

I love it. Yeah, I gotta gimme one of those. That’s, well, I’ll get that from you after we record the show. You got it. Because I’ll forget otherwise because if I don’t write it down right, because my brain doesn’t work without notes.

Yeah, absolutely. We, we only keep what we need. I know.

Oscar, tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do. So let’s, let’s get some context here.

Yeah, man. I’m a, I’m a regular knuckle dragger from California. Um, been in, uh, I’m an active duty military member, uh, now for a little over 18 years. Um, I got, uh, Daughtered in 2012.

So my first girl came in to World to 12 and, um, been daughtered twice ever. Si uh, since then, so I have, uh, my 13 nine and my 5-year-old. And, um. Brother, I just realized too late, I think, uh, not too late later in the game, that I just didn’t know what I was doing and I needed some help and I needed to be better.

And so at one point, um, after many, many conversations over the phone with a buddy of mine, uh, we decided, hey, you know, if we’re having these questions, if we’re having these issues, if we’re having these thoughts about being better as fathers for our girls. Then odds are other people are also doing that.

And we started our, our, uh, our podcast, daughter podcast. And, um, that’s, that’s how that started. And the reason that is, is because I’m, I’m a girl dad. I’m a, I’m a daughter father, and that’s really what I, what I embrace. And I have a, a amazing wife that is now at, we’re at 22 years, uh, soon to be 22 years of, of marriage.

And she gave me these three girls that have just changed my world. So that’s who I am,

man. And congratulations on, on your marriage. That’s awesome. Thanks. I’m, I’m so sorry that that has like, become a rare statistic to see men who married that long. Uh, but that, that has always cause for celebration. My wife and I are right at, what year is it?

24 years. I have to take one year. That’s how I remember.

There you go. You need to know that number though.

Well, we got married in 2001, so I just remember that I have to take one off a year and I’m okay.

Ah, that’s, that’s a lot easier than mine. That’s good, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta work, you gotta work out those devices.

’cause I, I would forget, I forget my own birthday. I remember hers. I remember my daughters. I, I have no idea what mine is most of the time. Right. I’ll be filling out paperwork. I’m like, honey, when I was a born

Yep, that’s right.

Yes. I don’t care. I need

what?

Exactly. Oscar, what’s your favorite part about being a dad?

Honestly, man, I think I, I, I pondered about this because, you know, you, you kind of presented this question before we started right? And just pondered about it. I’m like, what is my favorite part of it about, about being a dad? It’s gotta be the growth and the challenge for sure. So it’s, it’s twofold. So the growth that I’ve.

Seat because of it has been really, um, gratifying and challenging, but also I’m sure with, with every parent man. But just to watch my daughters grow. And I’m not saying physically specifically, but like the things that they do just amaze me, dude. And so the growth that I see in them and their, in their brain and their smartness and in all these things that they do.

And the physical stuff too. Like my, uh, my middle girl, she’s a gymnast man. When I see her do things, I’m like, what? I, I was a knucklehead little boy and I was doing dumb stuff like that, but I was never landing it like she is like on it, you know? So those little things that I watch in them. The growth that I see.

And then again, taking aback the growth in me and the growth in my wife and our relationship because of our girls. I, I think that’s definitely my favorite part of, of just being a dad.

I love it. And oh my goodness, gymnast, sir. I, I insane. I’m odd by gymnast period, so. Right. I totally get it. And seeing your daughter do it, that’s gotta be amazing.

Yeah.

It’s funny too, because you’ll see, if you watch my wife and I, if we were to be on camera when she does some of these things, my wife’s like cringing. And I’m like, uh, and then when she falls, my wife’s cringing. I’m like, Ooh, that’s not gonna be good. You know?

I, I think that’s pretty standard operating procedures on that.

Like, uh, I, I was a diver in high school, and my, my dad would be in the stands like, yeah, you know. My dad was a very big, loud man. Um, my mom is like, she comes up to my chest line. Nice. And she would turn her head away. Right. I was doing certain dives because she knew how close I was coming to the diving board.

It was just, I. I spent enough time in the hospital growing up that, yeah, I, I was like, I got scars everywhere. My kids love it. ’cause they ask questions, they’re like, what’s that scar bad? I, oh, we haven’t heard that story yet. You better tell us because I, uh, there you go through the ringer on that one. So I, I understand your wife’s reaction.

It’s like,

yeah, give you, gave your mom PTSD brother.

Little, little trauma there. Little trauma there. Right. Oscar, when you found out you were gonna become a dad, what was the best piece of advice someone gave you?

Oh dude, this is so cliche, but I’ve, uh, the piece of advice that I got originally I, um, underestimated and it’s.

Enjoy them when they’re little, like, you know, enjoy the growth that they’re doing. And I say underestimate, underestimated, because it’s one of the reasons I, I have the, i I I created the podcast is I didn’t do that very well. And that is by far the best advice I’ve ever gotten. Um, you know, I mentioned before on my show, like.

Your, your oldest kid. Uh, for me, I say my oldest daughter, but for your oldest kid is the one teaching you how to be a parent, right? Like literally every minute of every day, every step that they take, they’re teaching you how to be a parent. Even though you might have other children, uh, under them. That one kid unknowingly like un didn’t choose the job.

They’re teaching you how to be a parent, and then they’re still trying to learn how to be a kid, right? And like, how to learn how to grow. Um, and man, like I look at my oldest now, I’m like, dude, I screwed up so much with her. Right? Like, and, but she taught me how to do better for the little ones. So, you know, her sister’s got a better product because of what she did.

And again, it sucks because she didn’t get to choose that. Um, but that’s just her, her lot in life, I guess. And, um. I constantly thank her for it and, and um, every, so, and she’ll be like, what? I’m like, ah, just don’t worry about it. Just thank you. Right. But I sit down with her and I, I tell her, I mean, we have a different relationship because of that.

Mm-hmm. Um, but that is, I, I think the most underestimated by far best advice you can give a father to be like, dude. It’s gonna suck. You’re gonna lose sleep. You’re gonna think of, you know, as a, as a, as a man, as a dad, you’re gonna think of all the things you have to do for this new, you know, this new life that’s coming in.

Take some time to just realize like, they’re never gonna be this little anymore. Like every, literally the next day they’re already older, right? So you have to, you have to be present and you have to be mindful when you’re there. And then you have to just enjoy them and, uh. That’s probably the best advice I’ve gotten that I’ve now starting to embrace and I wish I would’ve done it earlier.

Definitely, definitely valid advice. Uh, I’ve never actually put it in that perspective in my head of their teaching, but as you were talking about, I’m like, I’m thinking about my oldest solders, like, yeah, yeah.

Yep, yep.

And she knows. Yeah. You can pinpoint. Funny thing, my, my oldest daughter knows like, she’s like.

Yeah, you’re experimenting with us. You experimented with me to him. I was like, that’s right. That’s right Oscar. And we had

those conversations. We, my oldest and I should be like, you didn’t do that with them. I’m like, you’re right, because I learned with you. Like sorry. And we don’t use the F word in the house.

Like the fair word is not using the house. Like that’s not fair. I’m like, you’re absolutely right. It’s not fair. You know what’s not fair life out there. Not fair. So you might get things that your sisters don’t get and your sisters might get things that you get or that you don’t get it. This is just the way that, you know, life works.

You’re older, you have more responsibilities. No, it’s not fair. So we always talk like that and she, she’ll bring it up every so often, but she knows that the F four doesn’t, doesn’t, uh, fly around here.

And in all fairness, I think the F word is legitimately should be just blacklisted with the other foul words for sure.

Right. I’m not sure whoever. Tried to perpetuate this idea into society of fairness, but it’s like,

yeah.

Mm. You haven’t lived much life then, so, right.

There’s, there’s a lot that happens that is absolutely not fair and you have zero control over it.

Absolutely. Yeah. Oscar, what do you wanna dig in today for fathers?

What do you wanna dig into?

Well, man, uh, my goal with what I do, um, is to. Just to remind dads, and, and I’ll be honest with you, it’s a, it’s a labor of love and a little bit of a selfishness, right? So the show for me is a, is selfishness, because when I have a dad on, I’m learning, that’s literally why I have you on.

All right? Gimme your perspective. Gimme your mistakes, your successes. Like, I need to know these things so I can start shortening that curve for learning for me, right? So it’s a little bit selfish, but in that process. I hope to remind dads that, that there’s three things that we really need to focus on, right?

There’s a bunch of things within those, but three things that we really need to focus on. We need to be stronger physically, mentally, emotionally. We need to be stronger, right? We need to be that dad, and I say this from not a pulpit brother, like I’m like trying to climb that same ladder, like emotional control is so important for our, our girls or our kids to see.

And to, and for us to model so emotionally stronger, like you and I we’re, we’re older. We, we have a playbook that we were given as we were, you know, growing up. Um, sometimes we realize some of those plays don’t, they don’t work right. They don’t, they’re, they’re just not the greatest way to do things. And so when I.

When I say, Hey, dads need to be stronger, yes sure I do mean physically. ’cause you need to pick up your kid. And then in my mind, you need to be able to react to something dangerous to protect your family in the moment. So you need to have that strength, but also be that emotionally strong person in the household.

Right? Don’t, you don’t have to be stoic, but be that emotionally present person. And dude, I have, my household is full of girls, so if I don’t work on that. The emotional levels in this home, they’ll explode in a couple years, right? Like, this is not gonna work. So I’m, I’m working diligently to be stronger, uh, like I said, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Um, for my girls, and I say mentally because again, we all have baggage, brother. Like we all have things in, in our lives that we have to work through, and we need to work through them so that our, our kids don’t have to work through them for us later on. Right. And so being, uh, mentally stronger is so important.

And then the other one is mindful and present. Uh, I I, I told a story one time about my little one saying I was a bad dad. Like straight up. She’s just like, you’re a bad dad. And I was like, whoa. Uh, let’s talk about that, right? And I said, well, well, well, what makes me a bad dad? And she’s like, well, you want to kill our dog?

We have this little tiny dog. He’s, he’s still a puppy. And you can imagine why I would say. I’m gonna kill you dog. Right? Because like ripping things, peeing, pooping in the house, what have you, like all the, all the puppy things that happened. Um, but the lack of mindfulness I was having when those words were coming out, dude, a five-year-old is very literal, right?

So now she’s telling me that she’s seen me as this bad person because I want to, you know. Un alive, our dog. Now, for us as a figure of speech, for her, it’s a literal thing. And being mindful of how we’re being perceived by our, by our kids is so important, right? Because one thing I’ve learned as, as the man outta the house, literally, ’cause I’m the only one, um, I carry, my wife does too, don’t get me wrong.

She’s, she’s the boss around here. But I carry a certain temperature in the house. If I walk in and I’m not mindful of how I’m presenting myself in the house, right? You had a bad day at work or a long day at work, or what you, you, you name it, it’s all in there. You come in and all of a sudden the temperature changes in the house, right?

The figurative temperature. And that’s not okay, right? Because you can’t, you shouldn’t do that to, to your family. Especially when your daughters, uh, when your kid comes up to you happy with something from school. If you have that. If you don’t have that mindfulness of how you’re presenting, that can kill that excitement for the kid right then and there.

And now we’re missing an opportunity to connect, right? And so being mindful of how our children see us, how our spouse sees us, and how the world around us is perceiving us, I think is really, really important. And then finally, presence. Um, I, that’s, that’s my biggest one. I, I, I have learned through countless conversations on the show now.

That I sucked at being present, particularly with my first daughter. Um, one, I was constantly gone due to work. I mean, I was out all the time, uh, physically, but then when I was home, uh, uh, with her, I found myself mentally not present because, you know, it’s too hard. I’m still dealing with my own stuff, right?

So I’m getting frustrated and all these things, so I can easily just go away mentally to do something else. And, um, that’s, that’s missed time and opportunity with, with children and, and, uh, your spouse. If you’re not present, you’re missing that time and that all comes back at the end and bites you, man.

And so, um, that’s something that I have taken just to heart. We need to figure out as dads how to be present. What that means. It’s gonna depend on the context of your life and your family. I get that, but what does it mean to be present? It means. Freaking put the phone away. Don’t be looking at email.

Don’t be even tv, right? Like TV is distracting. Just little things that will distract you. Figure out how to, how to not do those things and actually be present in that very moment. Um, one of those things I give like a hard time for my wife. She’ll, she’ll pull a camera out when we’re doing something.

She’s trying to take a picture. I’m like, just be present. On the flip side, I’m really bad at capturing moments on a camera because I’m like, no, no, we’re we’re just here. And she’s like, well, you didn’t take a picture. True, right? Like, I get that. But, but yeah, man, uh, present. So for me, being stronger, more mindful and more present, they’re, they’re my goal.

And there’s so many things within those that I, I’m working on and I need to work on. Um, but overarching, I think those are the three that I just. That’s just what I, I need to do for, for my girls. I need to be, I need to be better, uh, for them as, you know, as they grow up.

I think it’s funny because you were saying your, you know, wife wants to take pictures and you’re like, no, be, be in.

I’m like, oh, look. I, I, I think that’s almost every couple. Like that is the reality of my house. I’m like, put your phone down and just be here. Yeah. But I want pictures of it. And I, I, because I wanna remember, and I’m like, oh, and we’ll do something. I’m like, we have no pictures of it. ’cause I didn’t think to take pictures of it because

you didn’t have,

right.

Uh, you know, I’ve talked to a lot of fathers between my shows over the years, and this idea of presence is, is difficult for all dads. Mm-hmm. Like, that is a, a universal issue for, for all dads. And, and I, I don’t like to generalize too hard most of the time. But in all the men I’ve talked to, that’s always a pain point.

Mm-hmm. Because we, we, it’s a difference in the way our brains are formulated, the way our brains actually behave. Uh, years ago I read a relationship book and then I heard the speaker actually presented a conference, um, and it was called, uh, men are Waffles, women are Spaghetti. And the whole concept was about how our brains interact differently.

Right? Okay. Women’s brains work like a str, a plate’s full of spaghetti, right? You start at one end of a strand of spaghetti, it’s gonna weave through that whole plate and it’s gonna touch everything else in there. Okay? Men, men’s brains work are compartmentalized, like waffles have little squares. I, I’m, I’m a nerd, so I think of the, like the tape machines, the movies that pulled the individual tapes.

Yeah. I used to work in the industry, so I, I’m really familiar with that. And that’s the way our brains work. And so for us to be present, we put that in and everything else falls away because this is the program we’re running right now and we can’t program simultaneously.

Yeah.

And so that’s

such a good, that’s such a good analogy, dude, because Exactly, that’s exactly what it is.

I’m, I’m, I get to work, I put in that programming, I’m at work, right? Mm-hmm. The problem I think, at least with me, is sometimes I forget to take the programming out at the right times. Right? Or, or maybe I’ll run two programs and God knows I can’t run two programs at once. It just doesn’t work.

No.

Right.

Men, men’s brains focus on one thing we, and we have to switch.

To do it and it’s not there. There’s a reason, right? Biologically there’s a reason, right? And that is for that protection side, right? Men need to be able to put in that protection tape and shut out all the fear, all the pain, all the doubt, right? Just protect, right? If our brains work like women do, we couldn’t do that effectively.

That’s just not, we have to be able to close off all the other systems and be like, bam, I’m here. I’m doing this. Right. Yeah. I have to protect. And so there, there’s, there’s evolutionary biology that comes into it, or, uh, if you’re a faith-based person, right, there’s design to it, whichever way you wanna go with it.

And so it, it works. That’s why men and women, right? Were, we’re meant to work together in parenting. We each work something unique. But that, that’s why like we don’t think of pulling out our phone to take a picture when we’re doing something with the kids. ’cause it’s like, right, I’m doing something with the kids.

This is what I’m doing. Yeah. My, my oldest daughter and I like, we go fishing together. I suck at fishing, I hate fishing. My brother and I took them camping when they were little up in the Rockies and took them fishing for the first time. We came back from that trip and my oldest daughter really had a good time fishing.

I’m like, I’ve hated fishing my whole life.

Not anymore brother,

but Well, and I told her, he’s like, no, I hate fishing. I just love spending time with you. Yeah, that’s, but you know, I came home from that trip that’s, and I went to Walmart and I found a nice older gentleman. I, God bless him, I wish I knew his name.

’cause I’ve talked about him several times. I found an older gentleman on the fishing aisle in Walmart and I said, Hey, I take it you fished for a long time. He’s like, well, yeah. I said, look, I’m sorry to bother you, but here’s the situation. My daughter had this experience. She loves it. I know nothing about fishing, but I wanna take her fishing because she loves this.

Yeah. And I wanna do things with her. She loves. Yeah. And bless that man. Spent over 45 minutes. Educating me on fishing, helping me pick the right gear for my daughter and I, I gave her the aid. That’s

awesome.

Right. So, you know, dads help each other out, out there. ’cause that man, he was a godsend in the moment.

Right. But we do these things. My daughter now teases me ’cause I’ll be out and because I’m on YouTube and doing other stuff, like I’ll take a, a selfie of us. Right. She’s like Deb, acting like a teenage girl.

Right.

She’s like, she totally doesn’t expect that from me. Right. So we gotta, it’s not our strong suit, so we got to build an assemble change.

Right. Uh, one of the practices I’ve taught my daughters is I’ll be, they’ll walk into my studio and I’ll be editing something or working on something and they’ll wait. They wait until I acknowledge them because they know I’m here. Right. And then the acknowledgement is. A quick glance at, Hey, what’s going on?

And they’re like, lunch is done, right? Or something like that. Or it’s like, Hey, can I talk to you about this? And so my trick has become, okay, gimme five minutes. I need five minutes. You wrap this up because I want to talk to you. I want to be in this conversation with you, but I have to finish this. Mm-hmm.

And then I’ll stop this and spend as much time as I need to on this with you. And so I’ve conditioned them to kind so that way I can switch the program. And I think as dads, it’s one of those things we can learn to do. Uh, because it is, it is, it’s a conscientious change for us too. Mm-hmm. Switch from one thing to the other.

And that’s as simple as like guys who I, I’m not a sports guy, but guys who like to watch sports at home.

Mm-hmm. It’s the

same thing. It’s a different program when you’re sitting watching that. Right. Yeah. You’re not actually there.

Yeah. No, and that’s the, that’s the thing too, is, and you know, I don’t know how it works for others, but for me, to your point, like if I’m working on something I, I’m.

If I’m in the zone or what, what, what do they call it? Uh, in flow, right? Whatever. Um, it’s, if, if I’m in, if I’m in that, I have to be able to continue or I, it screws it all up. So if like, I’m writing something and, and, and working on something, so I do the same thing like, Hey, I, I wanna listen to you, I really do, but you need to give me five, 10 minutes and then we can do whatever you want.

Um, and although that’s, it feels almost like you’re not. Giving them what they need. I think it’s more purposeful than, than, yeah, tell me what you, what you need. And I’m still thinking over here, and this is me, right? Because if I leave that project I’m working on and I’m over here, I’m not, I’m still thinking, I’m like, where did I leave off?

Like, what was I gonna put down? I mean, it’s just, my brain just keeps on moving. And so I think it’s more, I, I think it’s. More loving if, if I have to use that word. I don’t really know if that fits, but you’re showing more of that to your kid by, by telling them, Hey, I can’t pay attention to you right now ’cause I’m on on this, but when I’m done with this, now I’m all yours.

As opposed to kind of being half-assed there, right? Mm-hmm. Um, and then I think also again, with the modeling, like you’re modeling that for them, so you’re modeling that you need to be present in conversations. One of the biggest things that drives me nuts is when I’m talking to someone and they’ll start emailing, or they’ll start texting.

I’ll literally just stop talking. Like, I, I don’t even have time for this stuff anymore. Right? Like, I’m like, all right, I’ll wait. And I, my wife will do that and she’ll look at me. I’m like, I, I’m, finish your text ’cause I’m not talking. Yeah. And so we’ve gotten to a point where she doesn’t do that. But, but you see what I’m saying?

Like it’s, it’s that little bit of distraction. And I know that they say that women can do two things at once. I don’t know about that. Like I don’t, they, they claim they can. I know I can’t. Um. But it’s the same thing. It’s modeling that for, for our kids. Like, Nope, when I’m here, I’m here, I’m listening to you.

And then when I’m not here, I’m doing something else so that I may not be paying attention to you, right? Because I need to focus on these things. Um, I think it’s a good modeling process for them as well.

It’s an applicable modeling for them. Right, because if you’re at work, I mean that you, you work around other guys at your job, right?

Right. And they’re, you, you don’t just walk up and interrupt somebody. That’s, that’s not how the real world works. That’s rude. It’s disrespectful. Gets you in a lot of trouble, right? Yep. You walk up, wait to be acknowledged and you know, you can be like, okay, thank you for the information. Gimme five minutes, I’ll be with you.

Yeah,

that’s right.

And his dad’s, it’s, it feels weird the first time you do it with your kids.

Mm-hmm.

I don’t have to explain it anymore ’cause I did it long enough to build Yeah, that’s right. They understand what’s happening. But when I first started doing it, it was, I need five minutes and it’s because I want to focus on you.

Mm-hmm. I want to be here with you right now. I have to finish this and it will distract me from hearing what you’re saying. And you are so important. I need to make sure that I’m a hundred percent with you and not on this. Right. I really want to hear what you have to say. Right. But, and it would totally take me outta the flow state.

Yeah. But I looked at it as a training time. Right? Yep. I was training them for a point where it wouldn’t knock me outta flow state anymore. I can be like five minutes, or I’ll hold up two fingers and be like, you know, yeah. Just gotta finish, gimme two minutes. Right. But it start, and it does, it knocks you out to start with.

But it’s also that mental strength because Right, that you’re developing to be able to communicate with your kids. Mm-hmm. You be able to go, I’m not being a bad dad. Right. Because at first you feel like you’re being a bad dad.

Yeah.

But now you’re going, no, I’m not being a bad dad. I’m prioritizing my children by making sure that I can be present with them.

And you start to develop a mental strength because it does, it feels kind of crappy the first few times you’re like. I’m such a dick, you know? Well

that’s because, that’s because that’s what you’re being told, right? So everybody’s like, oh, you, if you’re not paying attention to your kids, you know, it’s like, okay, sure.

Uh, if I’m completely neglecting my children, got it. But no, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m trying to life again, it’s one of those like book things we were talking about before you hit, uh, record. Right. You’re like, you read this thing in this book and then your kid gets here and all of a sudden you’re like, that is not what happened in the book.

Right? So this book can tell you all day long, you have to pay attention to your kids and give ’em a hundred percent of your attention. Yes. But also there’s life by the way, right? Like, I’ve gotta work, I’ve gotta do these things and I want to. Comp, uh, comp, uh, comp. I want to cut those things in, in, in the right manner.

So if I’m working on work, let me finish work and then I, that way I can be a hundred percent with you and I can give you the attention that I think you deserve, right? As opposed to, like you said, getting out out of your, your work state, and all of a sudden now you’re messed up with work, but also you’re not present with them and like no one wins there,

right?

Mm-hmm. And I, I know there’s a lot of dads right now who are listening, going, guys, that’s a lot to, to grow mentally, physically, spiritually. Yeah. To work on that mindfulness and that presence, you, it takes a few years of being a dad sometimes to understand the pure impact that just your presence has on a household.

Yep. Uh, you were talking about that temperature change. Mm-hmm. I know when I worked in the corporate world, there were days that I pulled in the driveway after being gone 10 to 10 hours or whatever, and I sat in my car for five minutes. Right? ’cause I had to get my head right and leave all that work crap in the car.

Like I couldn’t. I was like, I’m not bringing that into my house. Because that’s not their fault. That’s not, it doesn’t matter how bad that went or how frustrating that was, that’s not my kids. Right. Yeah. And you can absolutely change the tone of everything by walking in, carrying all that weight.

Yep.

Right.

Yeah. Um, uh, Cooley and Pedro’s, um, I heard this from, from Joey Bowen who’s, uh, the owner of Fuel Hunt. But, um, he talked about, uh, he gives this analogy of like. Taking off the armor, right? You’re out fighting, you’re like this knight and you, you come home and you had to take off off the armor. And then walk inside because that armor blocks out those connections and relationships with your family.

But like, if you imagine yourself taking that stuff off, just like you’re mentioning, gimme that five minutes to like, all right, I’m removing this frustration. I’m doing this, I’m doing this. Okay, cool. Now I’m here. Like, that’s really what that’s talking about. It’s a really cool analogy to kind of picture, like you’re talking about a weight, you can’t bring the weight inside.

That armor is heavy. Take that stuff off, walk through the door and you’re a different person.

Oh man. I, I, I love that analogy. And guys we’re, we’re so visual. Yeah, that’s just a really phenomenal analogy for men of, it’s like, Nope, I, I had the flashback ’cause we were talking about brave earlier of his wife and like, no weapons on the table.

Yeah,

that’s right. You gotta leave him

outside.

Yep. Leave him in the mud room, whatever you want to call it. Like shed that off. Right. Uh, you, you have a. You have a room where you gear up to go out. Right? Yep. That might be the mud room. That can be the armory, depending on what your job is, but you have that room, right.

Gear up. Right. Right. And so I think that’s a really great analogy for the dads listening is understand. Right. The, the, honestly, like this is the whole metaphor of the dad hat, this is the whole basis of this show. Yeah. Is, oh, let me take off. That’s right. Gotta put the dad hat back on and Yep. We’re switching gears.

We’re switching tapes. We’re taking off the armor and switching to the role we need to be in with our children. And you know, the books are, books are so, you know, the other thing books don’t account for at all parenting books. Personality.

Oh dude. They assume the same kid is, is in the same every single book.

Oh my goodness. You, you, so your oldest are, you said nine and 13.

Yeah.

So they’re definitely starting to display their own personality traits.

Oh yeah. Oh, even my 5-year-old dude, even my 5-year-old, it’s crazy

anticipation of you and your wife, but then you start seeing the things like, nah, that, that’s totally them, right?

Mm-hmm. And let me guess. Totally different personalities for all three of them.

Oh, a hundred percent. We talk about that as, uh, playbooks, right? Like you get your first kid and you’re like, all right, I think I got this. Like your, your second kid’s coming in, you’re like, I’m good. I got a playbook. It’s all good.

Second kid comes in and you’re like, this playbook doesn’t freaking work. I gotta make a new playbook. Like, it’s literally the same thing. It’s just, it doesn’t work. ’cause there’s, they’re people, they’re. I think we forget that, right? Our children are people and they’re, they’re the brain. If you, I’m, I’m, again, I’m knuckle dragger, but if I start looking at neuroscience, I’m like, no wonder why we’re so different everybody, right?

Because the brain is just an amazing, and yet kind of a, a-hole thing. Like it just makes us all different.

Oh, that, that needs to be featured on the next, uh, what’s his name? Uh, I’m thinking of the neuroscience. That’s all guy who’s all over YouTube. Uh

oh, Huberman.

Huberman. Yeah. Brain A Hole. That’s

Brain’s kind.

A, a hole sometimes

that, that needs to go on his next show right there on neuroscience.

Hey, I’ll talk to humor men all day. That guy’s cool,

right? Yeah, no, that’s, that’s the funny thing, right? That’s the, that may not be the scientific phrasing, but. It’s true. It’s totally true. That’s,

that’s the knuckle, drager phrasing, brother.

Oh, that’s all good, brother. I, I love, like I, I was telling you before we started rolling, I love talking to military guys because people outside don’t always understand the humor or the way the brain work, but. It’s just raw and unfiltered. That’s why I love it.

It’s, that makes total

sense.

Yep,

that’s right.

You can call something more complicated, but let’s

say, oh, I could call it a lot of other things. I just can’t say it on camera,

right?

If your relationships are not where you want ’em to be, I want you to know I got your back. Relationships take a lot of work and they can fall on the back burner pretty easily as your empire building in your life. Men often suffer from damage to the relationships while they’re trying to provide. Well, I help men with the skills, techniques, and solutions to rebuild thriving relationships with the people they love.

Even if you’ve struggled in the past with being the husband or father you want to be, it’s not too late. So reach out and schedule your free discovery. Call at purpose-driven men.com to learn the skills you need to connect deeply with the people you love, who matter the most in your life. Let’s get back to the show.

So you said that you loved the growth that you’ve experienced as a father? Uh, yeah, because it’s, it’s pushed you to be stronger mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. And you were talking about being stronger emotionally and, and the way that you affect the temperature. Uh, I always think back to the difference between your mom saying you can do something, and your dad saying you can do something is radical.

Like the way it affects children psychologically. Hmm. Your mom says you can do something. There’s a comfort to it. A warmth. Your dad says you can do something and you believe it. Like it, it’s, it’s empowering. Yeah. Because your dad doesn’t lie about things like that. Your mom loved you regardless. Your dad loves you regardless people, but you always feel like you gotta kind of earn that.

So your dad’s not gonna say like, oh, you can do this when you can’t. Right. And you believe them. Right? That’s part of that temperature in the house. Your daughters, you tell them, Hey, no honey, you really can do that new trick you’ve been trying that you’ve struggled with. You Absolutely. Can. Your daughter’s gonna go, yeah, I can.

Right? If your wife tells your daughter that she’s gonna be like. I know, mom, I’m working on it.

Right?

Daddy’s saying it. That’s like, oh yeah, push the gas pedal. I can do this now.

Well, that’s why mindfulness is so important for us. Being mindful of what and how we say things is really, really important, man.

Um, because as much as I love my daughters, right, like I’m like. You’re, you’re not six foot six. So there’s certain things that a six foot six person’s gonna do that you cannot it, that I didn’t make that up. That’s just, you know, the what, what the world gave that person and you’re shorter and right. So being able to push them to do things and then saying those things and, and, and.

Speaking belief into them. That’s really important. I think that’s what you’re referring to, but doing it in a way that is realistic and not, you know, completely crazy. Like it’s, I just, I, I always, I’m always very cautious because I do believe that they can do most anything in their life. I also know from growing up as an athlete, from being in military training, like certain people have certain genetics that help them do certain things.

That’s just what it is. And some of us don’t have that and some, some other people do. Right. Um, the NFL is the 1% of collegiate athletes, right? So collegiate athletes themselves. Are the cream of the crop. And then you, you somehow pick the top off of that. So again, just keeping it real, right? Like there’s, there’s, there’s a, a very important job that we have to push them to give them the reality of what they’re asking to do, to speak belief in them, but also help them to either realize the difficulty that might be, and then maybe help ’em come up with a plan.

Right. Uh, my daughter for a while was like, I’m gonna be a professional skater. I’m like, okay, let’s talk about what that means. What does that actually mean? Right. Um, does that mean falling off your skateboard a thousand times for eight hours a day? Absolutely. That’s what that means. So let’s do that. Just understand that this is what it’s gonna take to get to this thing.

Right. And do I think you could do it? Absolutely. If you put in the work. So that’s, I think that’s a di uh, dichotomy that we have to, as dads kinda walk that line with is, is I wanna speak confidence and ability to you, but I also need you to understand that that takes work and this is the work that it takes.

I had to have a conversation with my kids. So I, I’ve always been like strong man training and power lifting. Um. And you know, at one point it really started peaking the last several years of, uh, people arguing over women could do everything men can and blah, blah, blah, and Right. So we were having a conversation with my daughter one day, right.

And about, you know, it’s just, it’s like, well, you know, if if they work as hard they could, it’s like, no baby, there are biological differences, period. Right, right. So I broke it down for. And I showed her, it’s like, okay, so this video and I, I pull up a video on my phone and it’s one of the top female power lifters in the world.

Like she was in the animal age at the Arnold Monster Lift for a female. Right. And I told my daughter, I was like, she is the top. Like literally, this is one of the strongest women in the world.

Mm-hmm.

She trains more than most guys will ever train in their life like this is her whole life. I said, you see this lift?

They’re all exploding over. She’s like, my daughter’s like, yeah, that’s awesome. I said, I can do that. I pulled that much weight before as an office jockey who just trains four or five days a week. She is 10 times the athlete. I am like this woman. Works a hundred times harder than I do. She is 10 times the athlete I will ever be pound for pound.

But that’s the biological basic difference is mm-hmm. Men will always be able to put on more raw muscle than a female. It’s just a, and so, you know, I was like, you can be ridiculously strong and I will train you for that if that’s what you want to do. Right. But understand there are limits that have to do with the fact that we’re just made differently.

Right. And there’s nothing wrong with that. And that’s,

that’s a, that’s a really important conversation. Uh, and I mean, you could take yourself outta the picture. I like how you input yourself in the picture. Mm-hmm. But you can take yourself outta the picture and be like, the best female and the best male.

Look at the disparity in the kilograms that they’re lifting. Just look at that and then go down the list of, you know, number two, number three, number four, males and I, and I don’t know the, that world, um, and numbers very well, but my guess is that the best female is maybe equivalent to maybe the eighth or ninth male within that category.

Right. Um, again, that’s just guys out there. I’m just throwing numbers out there. I’m just. Yeah, putting in perspective, I don’t know that the, that that’s a fact. So, um, but the fact is that you can see the disparity. It’s, it’s clear, as clear as day it’s, and so when, when people go and try to bend that, that truth, I, I, it’s a very hard thing for me to understand.

So that makes me feel like it’s a really hard thing for our children to understand. Right. That’s a really good way to put that. Right? I mean, it’s, look, I, I can do that. And it’s not taking away from her. ’cause the amount of work that she’s done to do this thing, and it’s not, and I don’t think it’s even putting her down, right?

No, no.

It’s, it’s an amazing feat to see those things happen. Um,

well, and that’s why I picked athlete is my children. No. Like I’ve showed. Yeah. This, this is a role model for you, right? Right. She is extraordinary. This woman not only set 23 world records, she also finished her doctorate while she was doing it and running her and that she owned at 25 years old like she did all at the same time.

She’s the pinnacle. That’s

awesome. And like this is an extraordinary woman. And they know that I have a ton of respect for her, but they also see me lift, right? Because I lift at home a lot of times. So I put it into something that is like, okay, here’s context. Here’s someone I truly, truly look up to and respect as an athlete individual, and I have told you to look up to so they know it.

It’s like, I’m not throwing shade here, and I’m not saying daddy’s great. I’m saying you’ve seen me train. You know, I respect this person, right? Because I think it’s really important that we help our daughters find healthy. Oh

yeah.

So hard to find healthy role models, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh, you look at what they want and go, okay, here are women you should look up to.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

And I think that’s why that mindfulness thing is really important for, for dads. Uh, and, and I’m not saying it’s not important for moms, right? If your mom says, you know, like growing up, if your mom said a certain thing in a certain tone, like it kind of break you, right? Like they have to be mindful too.

I get it. Um, but my lane is a dad. That’s where I’m at. And I, I truly believe that fathers have a lot of power, both negative and positive in, in that mindfulness. So it. You can say something, not meaning to and completely deflate your kid from something they’re trying to do, um, because you’re not being mindful of how those words come out.

And, and I’m not a proponent of like words or violence, like that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that words matter when your kid is trying to figure out who they are and, and, uh, finding that inner voice because we tend to be that inner voice.

I love it. We, we better start wrapping this down. Oscar, where is the best place for people to connect with you?

Oh, man. Uh, so daughter dot, uh, excuse me, daughter podcast.com is my website. It has everything in there that you can essentially find on me. Um, it has our Instagram for the podcast. It has my Instagram. Uh, I go by, uh, growing Girl Dad on Instagram. And uh, also you can find on there. Episodes, how to listen.

Everything’s on the website. Um, also the first thing that you’ll see on the website is, uh, a prompt that’ll pop up. That’ll say subscribe. That is to our newsletter. We send our newsletter every week. Try to give, try to add value to, uh, father’s lives, particularly those that want to grow, um, and learn more how to be better for their, for their kids and their families.

So, uh, we have the, the newsletter that comes out, the daughter newsletter. And again, everything’s found@daughterpodcast.com. So come, come, uh, join the conversation, come talk to us. Um, you can communicate with us through there. And, um, yeah, hope to see everybody there.

Oscar, we, we’ve covered a lot. I’ve enjoyed our conversation a lot, but you know, people get distracted.

So if the dad’s listening, heard nothing else today, what is the final piece you wanna leave him with?

Well, first, uh, because I got prepared for you. ’cause this is one of my favorite, uh, dad joke. All right. What’s the worst kind of fish?

What

selfish.

Oh, my daughters.

My daughters love that. And by love, I mean they hate it because I say it all the time.

Um, so that was, I needed to put that out, that I was like, I got to do my dad joke. Uh, my, my daughter, um, made sure I did that one for you. Um, man, honestly, we have a, an extremely important job as fathers. Uh, we, we see that you can watch videos now all day. You can go into the research and the data and it talks about.

Us, maybe not per, not you know, by name, but it’s the importance of the father is really important. And the thing is that physically present is good, but you have to be really, really present man. And your kids want to feel that from you. Um, and so if I had to say anything is fine, ways to be present, put the phone away, make time.

I think someone had mentioned like I do 20 minutes of uninterrupted. Whatever with my kid. Like, do that. If that’s, if that’s all you got, do that. It’s, you know, it, it’s not necessarily quantity, but that quality of that time that, that our children are getting from us is really important. And if you have daughters, you can again look at all the research.

Um, their inner voice tends to come from their fathers. And that’s both negative and positive. So the mindfulness that we need to have with our words and our actions is really important. Um, be present, man. That’s, that’s the biggest thing.

Oscar, thank you for saving me on making the huge mistake of not having the dad joke.

The minute you said, I was like, oh, I can’t believe I missed that. So thank you for saying no, you

didn’t miss it. We, we were, we were going for a while. I just wanted to make sure to throw that in there ’cause my daughter wanted to hear it.

Oh yeah. No, I’m gonna go tell my daughters that joke as soon as I hang up with you.

But we’ll, we’ll, we’ll see. I, I know how well the good joke was by how hard the eye roll is of the 13-year-old. Right. When, when I get the heavy eye roll and it’s like, dad, just stop. I, I know. It’s a good joke.

You know? It’s a good one. That’s right. That’s right.

Thanks for hanging out with us today on the Dad Hat Shenanigans podcast.

A community of dads just navigating life’s challenges together. Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad life.