The Subtraction Principle How Letting Go Fuels Real Change

The Driven to Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving. Purpose-filled intentional lives. Have you ever felt stuck? Like you’re spinning your wheels despite all of your efforts? You read the book, you listen to the podcast, you watch the YouTube video, you add new habits, but nothing seems to stick.

You’re just like, feel like a duck kicking his legs just furiously under the water, but not moving anywhere. Well, you’re not alone. The truth is most men try to change by adding more, more routines, more goals, more pressure. But what if the real breakthrough comes from letting go? By the way, welcome to the Driven Thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, the podcast for men who know that there’s more to life than just ticking boxes.

And chasing the next milestone. Now gentlemen, I know how frustrating it can be to do all the things. ’cause I have watched all the YouTube videos, I have read a bazillion books. I have listened to podcasts after podcasts, and for years I thought I was improving my life by doing all these things, but my life wasn’t getting any better and it wasn’t going anywhere.

Well, if that sounds familiar for you, then this episode didn’t find you by accident. You clicked it because deep down, you know it’s time for change, but nothing seems to be working, and it might have been that you got off on the wrong trail. It might be that somehow in the back of your mind you thought you had to be ready.

Air quotes first for something, but none of that’s accurate. And it’s super easy to fall down the rabbit hole of adding this, adding this. That’s where I started. That’s what I tried. I tried everything and then I tried to add more on top of it and I just ended up burnt out and tired. Now let me be real with you as we go through this, about 80% of the people watching this are gonna no along and feel fired up for a couple days, and then they’re gonna drift right back to the same old routine.

But the other 20%, they’ll lean into the discomfort, take action, and actually do the work I’m about to share with you. So if you want real lasting change, these six mindset changes have landed in your lap at the right moment for you. And I’m gonna start with some things that might sting a little bit.

Something that self world, help world doesn’t like to emit. ’cause it doesn’t make money. But I want you to make the changes you want to in your life successfully and not spend as much time burned out, frustrated, and spinning your wills as I did when I started my own journey. See, true changes don’t happen when you add more to your life.

It happens when you finally decide what you’re willing to give up to get what you really want. The hard, honest work of subtraction. So the subtraction principle works like this. You see, most people think that change is about stacking on the more, right? We talked about that. The more habits, more routines, the more pressure.

But the real truth is real transformation starts with this subtraction idea, and it’s not something that they share on social media. You’ll see it sometimes talk, people will talk about going ghost. I’ve talked about going ghost, which is a totally different subject. You will talk, see people talk about minimalism, and minimalism is great.

No, we’re not actually talking about that either. Subtraction is about getting brutally honest about what you need to let go of before you even think about what you add. Lemme give you an example, right, because this principle was hard for me to wrap my head around. At first. My father-in-law was a heavy equipment operator and I helped him on a couple side jobs when my wife and I were first married.

As much as a guy who knows nothing about that entry might be helpful. But I went along and tagged along and tried to pretend to be helpful and I was helping him on this job he was doing where they were gonna put in a new facility. And it was highly educational for me because. Over in western Washington where we were, it’s, it’s a lot of woods.

People see pictures of like Seattle and all the green trees. That’s what it looks like. Well, we had to clear on log all the land for this new construction site. And that was a long process with me and my father-in-law and my brother-in-law working, cutting down acres of trees and trimming them in a piling ’em out.

There was a lot involved. I had no idea. Then there was, after weeks of logging, there was leveling the ground on the entire site. We had to level the entire acreage, and then there was a drainage pond that had to be dug out, and that all had to be leveled and angled and there’s lots of regulations. And then there was even more digging before we could get to a foundation.

Like I was amazed at everything that had to go first before even the foundation could start. And that’s what we’re talking about is there’s a lot of work. That happens before you’re ready to actually add things. You have to subtract first. I experienced this with my own coach when I was working with a business coach.

The amount of things I had to take out of my chaotic schedule to make room to even start doing the seven things he wanted to do blew my mind. Now, you are probably doing a lot of things right now. Maybe you’re working out, you’re eating okay, you’re being active, you’re learning things, you’re reading books, like I said, videos, podcasts, whatever you’re putting in.

Lots of hard work. But you can lose it all with a regular dose of two to three hours of Netflix and chill with Milas snacking before bed. It can cost you all that work you’re doing just like that. So stop asking what do I need to add and start asking, what do I need to give up? Maybe it’s late night scrolling that’s killing your mornings.

Maybe it’s self-doubt that creeps in every time you try something new. Maybe it’s some of the relationships or routines that drain your energy and leave you completely depe depleted. Wrap your idea around the idea. Wrap your idea. Wrap your head around the idea the subtraction principle transformation isn’t about stacking more on an already over overloaded life.

And Lord knows most of us overstack our lives already. It’s about clearing space for the man you wanna become. So ask yourself. Have I removed enough garbage outta my life to make room for new habits so they actually stick and take root. So if subtraction is the spark, what keeps the fire going? Well, before we dig into that, let me quickly share something that’s actually made a huge difference in my own journey that’s getting a good night’s sleep.

One of the biggest obstacles to successful change is honestly poor sleep. ’cause we’re all. Overloaded all the time. And I’m not just talking about how long you’re in bed, I’m talking about the quality of your sleep. How do you feel you when you wake up? For years, I, I’d be groggy, I’d be stiff. Everything hurt.

I’d had brain fog. Change is tough enough without being exhausted and banged up with your body already fighting you. That’s where my pillow changed everything for me. This isn’t just another pillow. It’s engineered to support your head and neck. I’m a side sleeper with broad shoulders, so I have to make sure my pillow fits me just right.

If you do, you actually wake up rested, and when you’re well rested, change is a lot easier. Here’s what I love. MyPillow comes with a 60 night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty. They’re so confident you’ll sleep better. They’ll let you try it risk free. Not only that, they have sheets, body pillows, and so many other products that I use every single day in my house to help me sleep better and live better.

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When you shop at MyPillow, you support a great company and you help us keep making shows just like this. And the change you’re looking to make will be a lot easier on a good night’s sleep than if you’re waking up feeling like crap every day. So let’s dig a little deeper because the next step is where most men actually get stuck.

You’ve cleared some space, you started to clear some of the junk outta your life that you don’t need, that isn’t helping you. It’s actually hindering you. But who are you gonna become with it? Well, let’s talk about identity, because change isn’t just about what you do, it’s about who you believe you are.

And like I said, a lot of guys get hung up on this. You see every habit, every excuse, every pattern is tied to your identity. I’m not a morning person. I’m just bad with money. Guys, these aren’t facts. They’re stories you’ve been telling yourself a lot of times for years. The biggest lie keeping you stuck is the belief that this is just who I am.

Well, newsflash, your identity’s not fixed. It’s built from stories. It’s built from habits. It’s built from emotions. Old beliefs that served an older version of you, right? Think of it like a.build for software. ’cause I worked in an IT world for a long time and I’m a nerd like that, right? All the software, all the stories, all the programming for you, 1.0 will not get you to you 2.0.

You can’t grow into a new U while you’re holding onto the old U. You’ve gotta upgrade all the way around, and that includes. Your identity, which is this combination of all this. I’ve been there myself for years. I was the guy who helps everyone and puts my own needs last. It felt noble. I thought it made me look good.

I thought it was what I was supposed to do, but it was wrecking my health and my relationships. Turning point was I decided to stop defending that old identity. I started seeing myself as a man who takes care of himself so I can serve others better. I finally believe that. If I poured myself dry, I was crushing my ability to help others instead of it making me a good person.

A lot of guys fall into that category of we just keep pouring and pouring and pouring and thinking it’s noble that we’re sat, that we’re, you know, pouring out of ourselves. Even though we’re dying inside. But you can’t help other people if you just run out of juice. This shift changed my decisions, my energy, my impact.

These stories I told myself were excuses for my shortcomings, that my failures what I didn’t want to do, what I was really trying to get out of. They were excuses. If you don’t upgrade your identity, every new habit is just a patch on a sinking, sinking ship. The real work is letting go of the lies, letting go of the stories that keep you in that victim mentality.

And you may not think of it as a victim mentality, but that’s exactly what you’re doing. You are hamstringing yourself to keep you where you are. The nonsense that keeps you cemented in that old identity is toxic. So here’s a punch list. Remove the excuses that you don’t even realize you’re making. But they protect your ego.

’cause we make a lot of excuses to protect our ego, remove the things that we’ve been avoiding because they’re scary. Because by avoiding them, we’re probably avoiding success in the gym. The golden rule is the exercise you really don’t wanna do is probably the one you need to do the most. That’s gonna do the most for.

Identify the stories that we tell ourselves to justify staying stuck where we are. ’cause we make excuses out the wazoo to defend. It’s like, oh, I’m just, yeah, time to get rid of those. If you really won’t change, identify the identity, the stories, the habits that are keeping you small. It’s what you’re used to.

It’s what’s comfortable. It feels safe. Even posy and warm. One note, a lot of times your friends and family are actually actively sabotaging your transformation without realizing that they’re sabotaging your transformation because they like to reinforce the old version of you because that’s the version of you they’re comfortable with.

That’s the version of you they like, and they themselves don’t wanna change, and so it’s actually more comfortable for them if you don’t, it’s not malicious most of the time. It’s just we’re all happy. Being comfortable. You gotta find a way through it and to not let those people short circuit you.

Changing your identity isn’t a one time switch. It’s something that happens through daily choices and repeated work. So how do you lock that new version yourself in? Let’s get practical. Here’s how we turn identity shifts into real lasting change, and this is key. You have to be compatible with your goals.

You’re not stuck because your goals are too big. You’re being drug down by habits and patterns that your old identity that we just talked about. Well, that makes that old identity makes it impossible to reach your new goals. Every morning. I face a choice, right? So do you. Snooze or get up every evening, scroll or read, every time I’m stressed, react from the old patterns, respond from my new identity.

Guys, I tracked this for a while and out of 50 small decisions, I probably nailed about 38 of ’em, and I really botched 12 of ’em pretty hard. The no is not perfect, but it’s momentum. Those little wins stack up. Transformation isn’t dramatic, A dramatic event. It’s thousands of tiny choices when nobody’s watching.

It’s unglamorous. It’s repetitive grind that most people skip over because it is monotonous. Let me get real for a second. I’ve been there. I’ve had to subtract things from my own life, old mindsets, toxic habits, even relationships that have kept me from thriving. And it wasn’t easy and it was a constant choice.

It was a day in and day out choice, especially when it comes to like old relationships. But it was necessary. And every time I let go of something that didn’t serve me, I create a space for something better. You have to care more about becoming the person that you want to be than protecting the person you have been.

So commit to the work, not just once. Not just when it’s easy, but every single day. Subtract the habits to don’t serve you. Embrace the discomfort of the change and show up for yourself even when nobody’s watching. It’s gonna be difficult. It’s, it’s gonna be stressful. You’re not gonna hit it out of the park a thousand times in a row.

It’s gonna be just like me tracking those 50 goal, those 50 things. Well. Like I said, I did okay on about 38. The rest, give yourself some grace. It’s a process. You’re gonna meet resistance along the way from, like I said, the people who are in your life, they’re gonna recognize that you’re trying to change over time.

And there’s gonna be naysayers a lot of time who are like, ah, you’re, is this really working? Is this really helping you? Is this really what you want? Isn’t this this easier? Why do you really wanna change anyways? You’re gonna get a lot of naysayers who really, they like who you are and they don’t see a need for you to change.

They also don’t see a need for them to change. So here’s a couple tips. Identify your new goals, infinite. Identify your new way of operating and identify things that you no longer are going to do. Here’s tips. Start there and work backwards in that, by the way, uh, I probably wrote those down in the wrong order when I was taking my notes.

This is where men are actually separating themselves. You see, anyone can get fired up for a week. The men who actually change are the ones who show up when the motivation is gone, they show up and do the monotonous every single day. It’s about keeping your word to yourself, especially when it’s hard. I had this conversation with a dear friend of mine.

We were talking to his daughter who is a new adult. She just turned 18 this year and graduated high school. And, uh, we were looking at, you know, her future and some of the things she wants to do, and, but we were talking about life and she has been blessed. She has a great family that’s taking care of her.

And so she’s actually been a little sheltered to the realities of just everyday life. You gotta eat, gotta get places, gotta pay bills, gotta take care of this, gotta take care of this. If the kids don’t do this, then I gotta do this. If you don’t do this, I gotta do this. If the car breaks down, I gotta get it fixed, even though I can’t afford to get it fixed.

All the monotonous of just getting through life and living every day. And guys, that’s when this is change is gonna be. Hardest for you. When things aren’t going well, when you’re stressed out, when you’re facing the everyday tiresome battles that it’s just life getting through life. It gets tiresome. You have to be disciplined about it because the motivation runs out, but that’s where men really separate themselves.

If they can really,

I’m not even sure what word I want to use there. They can really just bear down and push through and stay on top of their goals and their new way of operating and keep doing the things. Even when it’s frustrating, even when it’s tiring, they’re the ones who make it through. So I’m hoping that’s you. Now, one issue we have to address is there’s no quick fix, and that’s something that you get lied to all the time in self-improvement.

Pack this into your mind, really, really fully clear right now. ’cause something we struggle with, especially in this country, there’s no such thing as a quick fix. It’s a fantasy. That the industry sells to people because we all want it now. Like we live in this crazy, we want to have it now. Everyone saw when I was growing up the 30 minute abs or the three minute Abs, or the Thigh Master or all of these gadgets that promised you that you would be skinnier and look better in three minutes a day or 30 minutes a day in those kind of commercials.

It is our microwave instant gratification, dopamine hit society because in reality, no one will buy a one year with lots of hard discipline, hard work, abs product. We want 30 minute map. I want the 30 minute abs. No one’s gonna buy the one year with lots of discipline and hard work abs. It doesn’t sound fun.

It is a long ways off. There’s no instant gratification. My dopamine is not dripping fast enough. We live in the society where we think we need to have instant results. And the truth is there’s not a quick fix. It’s all a lie. I meant to sell you things because we all want it. We want it now. We want the fix now.

I want it faster. I want it 10 minutes ago. If, if you could take a pill and instantly have. Perfect abs, I would take the pill. I’m not above that. We all want it now. We don’t wanna wait. We don’t wanna spend years of hard work. Well, guys, there’s not a quick fix. The truth is no one wants to hear it, but real change takes around anywhere from 18 to 24 months, depending on how big the change is.

Yep. You heard that right now. Please don’t hang up. Don’t. Hang up. We’re not on the phone. Sorry. Please don’t turn the show off. Don’t stop the video. Don’t bail on me now. Hear me out. Real lasting change in your life takes from 18 to 24 months, depending on how big that change is for something relatively simple.

18 months for something major up to 24 months. You see, ’cause that first six months, you’re fighting old patterns, old mindsets, old habits, and you’re just trying to actually get into a solid new positive pattern. But you’re gonna trip, you’re gonna fall, you’re gonna have mistakes, you’re gonna have moments of weakness, you’re gonna have lapses in judgment, and it’s gonna take you six months to get solidly on.

Your new path and then you’re gonna spend another six months building those new positive patterns into your life. Ingraining, the neuropathways, getting those everyday fixes in to where this is just kind of a part of your thing and this is what you do, and it starts to become part of your identity. By year two, it’s gonna start feeling automatic.

Uh, you’re going to just kind of do it because it’s now become part of your identity and you. Identify as a pers, a gym goer who goes to the gym four to five days a week and eats healthy, right? It’s gonna feel automatic, but it’s gonna take getting to that feeling automatic stage where you actually start to see the effects of those changes start to compound into real life.

Like I said, bare minimal around 18 months because you’re still fighting some of those old habits even a year into it. So ask yourself, are you still subscribing to the quick fix fantasy? If you are, you gotta let that shit go ’cause it’s holding you back because it does not exist. It’s right up there with unicorns and honest politicians.

If you’re still with me, that’s a good sign. That means you’re not just the average person scrolling through, you’re likely someone who’s ready to do the work. Well, that puts you in the top 5%. So. Hang tight. We’re gonna lock this in. Start with your, I’m ready to change checklist. Let’s just get this outta the way.

If you can check off this punch list, then there’s a good chance you’re actually ready to move forward with the changes in your life. One. Can you honestly check these off? Number one, I’m no longer ready to defend my old patterns. Two, I’m emotionally calm about this. I’m not freaking out about this idea of change.

It’s not stressing me out still. It’s sending me binge eating and costing me sleep, and can you check that off? Three. You don’t think needing to change makes you weak? I am constantly in awe, especially among men, how being honest enough or vulnerable enough with yourself to say, I’m not perfect. I have room to improve.

I could do better. I think I should probably make this change and admit that you didn’t have it right. This may be one of the greatest thorns in the side of most men. Needing to change or thinking about changing doesn’t make you weak. It merely points out that you realize that there are places where you have room you can grow and become even better, not weakness.

Room for improvement. Right. The F 15 wasn’t a weak plane. It’s upgrade the F 15 Strike Eagle spectacular plane wasn’t that. The F 15 was weak, it just could be improved, which was hard to do. The F 15 Strike Eagle major improvement, the next generation F fifteens even a bigger improvement than that. Right?

None of those planes were weak. All of ’em were good. They just got better with age. Number four, you’re okay with having ambiguity around your identity when you’re going through change. You’re gonna feel a little lost as you get rid of that old identity. If you, as you stop telling yourself some of the lies and some of the stories that you used to di defend and identify who you were.

There’s gonna be some time where that’s fluid, where you’re taking on a new identity, and that might be, I’m a person who handles money well and knows what I do with my finances, or that might be that change of I am a person who chooses to eat healthy and exercise and take care of my health. Or I am a person who chooses to learn so that I can improve my profession or my job.

I am a person who worked actively on my marriage, instead of just letting it trail by, there’s gonna be some ambiguity as you make that transition from the old stories to this new identity you’re creating for yourself about how you feel about yourself. And that can be really uncomfortable in that change, but it’s okay.

Number five, you’ve dropped the idea that this should be easy. We already said it won’t be quick. Well guys, change isn’t easy. Everything about us resists change. Our body, our minds like homeostasis. It doesn’t like to change. We don’t leg it. We don’t wanna do it, and we’re not going, no, we are. We’re gonna change.

But your mind fights you like a toddler over it. It’s not gonna be easy. You will manifest things. Create issues just to stop the change because your body and your mind. Likes homeostasis. We don’t like changing. Now, if you can go through that checklist and check off all those five things, then you are absolutely ready to make change in your life.

Now, to be honest, while difficult. I had to put this out here because it serves as a quick checklist for you before you move on, and you’re like, but Bri, you just said it’s all bad and all hard. No, no. I just had to put this out there before I told you the good part. You see changes a repetitive everyday thing, every moment, every choice, every decision, and so you’ve gotta be ready for the long haul on it.

But what happens? In the long term, what happens when you keep subtracting the bad stuff, shifting and showing up? Well, that’s when you unlock something most men never experience. Let’s zoom out for a minute and see how daily choices compound over time. You see real change doesn’t just add up, it multiplies.

It’s this crazy math that exists in in personal development and change. Right. You start fixing one thing in that journey to fix one thing, you actually fix probably several little things and multiplies. It’s crazy. Every small act of abstraction, every identity shift, every alignment to make ourselves. In alignment with our goals.

Every daily win builds confidence and capacity for even more to where it starts to have impacts and changes that are subconscious that are happening, and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. You are focused on changing this or cleaning up this, but you’re actually fixing lots of little things that are gonna have an impact into other areas of your life.

Let me give you an example. Mind Change started with simply taking a leisurely walk around the building that I worked at during my lunch break and listening to music instead of sitting at my desk. I worked in the IT world. I probably sat for seven hours a day out of my 10 hour shift, and I realized that I was putting on weight and I was getting stiffer, and I wasn’t.

Like I was starting to get winded because I just wasn’t moving as much anymore. I’ve been sitting for years and so I thought, oh well you know what? I can eat at my desk while I’m working ’cause I can multitask and I can go for a walk on my lunch break. So that’s what I started doing. Simple, simple thing.

I ate before or after and I ate at my desk while I was working. And I went for a walk. 30 minutes. I had 30 minutes to go out and walk. Right. Getting that fresh air and the sunshine was amazing. I didn’t understand the compounding effects of that on top of my walking. Uh, I, I learned about that later, but that’s a tangent, but that’s where it started.

Just going for a walk. It was just a leisurely walk, listening tunes. Well. The longer I did it, I started switching from music. I started listening to audio books, but not just any audiobook. I started listening to audio books on subjects I wanted to learn about. I thought, Hey, I can learn while I’m doing this.

That’s a good idea, right guys? That was 10 years ago that that pathway started for me. Since then, I’ve left the corporate world. I’ve changed my profession. I’ve written part of a book. I’ve started four podcasts, three businesses, coached men, spoke on stages and had two large workshops, and even more. It all started with me walking on my lunch break 10 years ago.

Did I have any idea that I would end up right here on the microphone talking to with you guys? No. Was that direction I was going when I started? No. But that walk multiplied changing growth. Into my life and I started making little tweaks that weren’t a big stretch from there. Right. Switching the audiobook, that wasn’t a big step.

That wasn’t a big switch. I had the headphones in already, right? I had my phone already. Switching from music to audiobook was not a big change. Being outside in the sun, more wasn’t a big change. They were things that naturally occurred with the one thing I was working on, but it had a multiplicative effect in my life.

Now, this is the big picture you’re always building evidence for or against your ability to change. Every small win is a deposit in your self-trust bank. Over time, those deposits turn into real lasting transformation and change that you still haven’t even begun to imagine. So let’s bring it full circle.

Gentlemen. You don’t need more hacks. You don’t need more hustle. Laura knows you are probably hustling your butt off already. If you’re listening to my show. Because people who sit around and do nothing generally don’t listen to my show. You need the courage to subtract. The grit to shift your identity to the new identity that you want to have and the discipline to show up daily.

And that’s how you’re gonna go from surviving to thriving. So here’s the challenge for you, if you made it this far, pick one thing, just one thing this week that you know you need to subtract from your life. And I promise as I’m saying this, something is popping in your mind. You already know what it is.

Maybe it’s a habit, a belief, or a pattern. Write it down. Comment, commit, commit. Commit to letting it go. This is the week you’re gonna let that go. You’re gonna subtract it and then shoot me a DM or drop a comment. I want to hear your story. Tell me what you’re dropping and why. I would love to hear your take on it.

Remember, you are made for more than just getting by. You are designed to thrive. Until next time, be better tomorrow because of what you do today. We’ll see you on the next one. The Driven to Thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving. Purpose-filled intentional lives.

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