Trey Tijerina: How Imagination Transforms Your Parenting and Creates Deeper Connections

Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Trey, every dad has that story that they just love to tell about their kids. It just lights them up. That just moves them. No, no matter what. And it might be happy, might be sad, it might be traumatic, but it is that story that you like to tell on your kids that just lights you up when you think about it.

What is your dad’s story?

Trey Tijerina: My dad’s story, I.

You know, that’s a great question. I, I’d have to say when my, when my daughter was born, it, it’s, um, it, it’s cliche, but you know, when both of my daughters were born, I have two kids and my first one, I was young, 25, and I really. Wanted to get it right. And I remember thinking to myself, this is going to change everything, all the things that parents tell children when they have children, what to expect.

And all of those conversations in my [00:01:00] mind started kind of replaying. And I remember my daughter, Aurora, when she was born, we had, um, we had picked out her name, her Aurora, her first name, but we were kind of iffy on the middle name. And her mom and I decided I would get the middle name choice and she would get the first name choice.

And it was two days after she was born already. We were calling her Aurora, all of this other stuff. And we didn’t have the middle name settled. And so my, my girlfriend at the time, Emily, she was like, um. She said, you know, for some reason she said, I’m having second thoughts about her name. And I was like, oh man.

Um, I was like, well, we’re already kind of attaching ourselves to this name, Aurora, um, and I haven’t chose my middle name yet, so what is your plan? And so she wanted to change, she wanted to choose the middle name and gave me the first name option. And at the time, you know, I was like, well, what’s the point of that?

’cause I’m already kind of, um, linked [00:02:00] into Aurora as the first name. So long story short that that ended up going in her mother’s favor because she got the middle name ’cause I didn’t have one prepared. And she got the first name and I just got the last name. And then on my second, on my second daughter, it’s really funny, her mom and, uh, my, my kids have two different moms.

And my second daughter, she. It was a completely different experience nonetheless. But when she was born, we did not have a name, not even a first or middle name, and it was about a day or two into our experience, and there was a name that I had told her months ago, months before my daughter was born. And she shot it down so quick.

She was like, oh, I do not like that name. I was like, okay. We just moved on and it was day two in the hospital and I remember her. We were just holding her and I remember Neely, um, my second daughter’s mom, she had said, what do you think about the name Evie? As if it [00:03:00] was her idea? I was like, well, I think I had mentioned that months ago, but you didn’t like it.

And she was like, well, now I like it. Now. Just like, okay, cool. So I guess, you know, the, the stories that I like sharing about, or the reason I like sharing those stories is because names are just such a powerful thing for humans. And in this process that I’ve undergone twice naming my children, it has gone just so slippery leading up to it.

But then, you know, after a hundred years and they’ve lived their life and I’m gone. And whatnot, like they’ll have this whole hundred years full of experience with that name that we chose on a whim, and I think that’s just so powerful.

Brent Dowlen: Welcome to the Dad shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered truth of being a dad. Real dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent Dowlen, and today my guest [00:04:00] is Trey. And Trey. I’m absolutely gonna blow this. Tijerina ? Yeah, I actually did. Oh, wow. Okay. There we go.

I’m doing great. They’re hearing that. Go ahead. Correct me on that one.

Trey Tijerina: Tijerina .

Brent Dowlen: I’m just gonna stick with Trey ’cause I’m, I’m obviously bad. Trey. Uh, I, I gotta ask you, you have a beautiful hat on today.

Trey Tijerina: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: Thank you. And I, I gotta know what’s the story behind the hat?

Trey Tijerina: Absolutely the story behind the hat.

So I read the, the, the thing before we did the, the interview, the podcast. And I was thinking to myself and know I wear hats all the time, but I was like, what is one that really just sinks with me when it comes to parenting? And it was this one and this hat I have on allows me to really feel like I’m expressing myself authentically.

It allows me to. It, it, it just helps me feel more expressive. It helps me feel more imaginative. It helps me feel like [00:05:00] I’m a kid again, and it helps me feel artsy. And the more I connect with my childhood through being a father, the more I realize the importance of authenticity of expression. And of just being playful and all of that translates to just great experiences with my children.

So that’s a story about this hat. It kind of just brings out that, that child in me, it brings out that imagination. It brings out that expression that, uh, that allows me to get closer with my kids at their level.

Brent Dowlen: I love it. And you said you had two daughters? Yeah. How old are they?

Trey Tijerina: So I have an 8-year-old who just turned eight, and I have a 2-year-old who’s about to turn three.

Brent Dowlen: Oh, that is a fun age. You, you, you start to see just a little bit of those early traits, people call ’em the terrible twos. But my, my daughters had caught up at a, at three, that’s, that’s where they really started to show that, uh, you know, street as a parent, [00:06:00] like, I love you, my first.

Trey Tijerina: Go ahead.

Brent Dowlen: Yeah. As a parent, you’re like, I love you, but I, I wanna ring your neck already.

Trey Tijerina: Yes. Yeah. My first one, Aurora, she was just the perfect baby, and she’d sit in my lap. She was quiet as she was, very soothing, very calm, cool, collected like I am, and it was only until she hit her threes that she started being a little more defiant. But it really, it was just a phase. However, my 2-year-old.

It’s been since she’s out of the womb, that she has just been a disruptor. She has been, you know, just very challenging. She’s, she’s very different than I’m, she’s very chaotic. She’s very loud. She’s not calm, cool, collected, and so it’s been quite an interesting experience with her. So I’m hopeful that since she got started early, that will totally miss the threes and it’ll got, it’ll kind of correct itself.

We’ll see though.

Brent Dowlen: Uh, they’re all good ages. I, I always laugh. People are like, you know, this is my favorite age. Okay. They’re, they’re all good ages, [00:07:00] right? You just, uh, get to see a very, I love the blessing of watching a human being grow up and be cutting themselves. It is just so much fun to watch them. And, and your, your kids.

Your oldest one is getting into that age. We’re gonna start seeing. Her personality really start to mix in with yours and her mom’s, right? Yeah. Yeah. You’ll start to see that blend as, as hers edges out, you’ll be like something. You’ll be like, oh, that was me, definitely me and other things. She’ll be like, ah, that was her mom.

And then you’ll be like, Hmm, where’d that come from? That’s interesting, right? Mm-hmm. Mike, Mike is just a hair ahead of yours, and it’s like, ah, yeah, I see that all the time. It’s like,

Trey Tijerina: oh, yeah. Oh yeah. They’re, they’re great mirrors back to you of your own subconscious patterns mm-hmm. And your own conscious patterns that you, you know, use with teaching or coaching or, uh, parenting.

I’m sorry.

Brent Dowlen: Oh, yeah, absolutely. You, you get to the fun point of every now and then my, my child will do something and my [00:08:00] wife just looks at me and is like, oh yeah, no, that’s all me. Sorry.

Trey Tijerina: That’s funny.

Brent Dowlen: And then she’ll do something and I’ll just look at my wife and I’m just like, I don’t even have to say it. I just raise my eyebrows. I’m like, yeah, that’s, that’s all you.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah. You know, Brent, that’s actually, that’s a, you know, I wish I could say that my experience with parents has been across the board like that, but what I’ve noticed, especially just in my line of work, is there’s a lot of unconscious parenting going on and.

With this, there, there is this, um, we’ll call it maybe like this bad seed in the collective conscience, which is this victim mentality and that victim mentality from a parent’s perspective, I’ve noticed does play out whenever they’re parenting their children and they’re just so sometimes oblivious to what their child’s showing them.

And in reality, it’s them. Being mirrored back to the [00:09:00] parent. But in actuality, the parents are having such trouble with their kids because they’re refusing to look inward. They’re refusing to look at, Hey, how did I. Contribute to this. And I think as parents, that’s, so that’s the most beautiful gift that we have as parents is that ability to see our seed right in front of us, display behaviors and patterns that are our consequence from, um, from, uh, it going unchecked.

And then we have this mirror back to us to show us, Hey, if I don’t want this, if I, this is undesirable, I have the ability to change it. And it’s just such a beautiful gift, man. It really is.

Brent Dowlen: It, it’s a lot of fun because, because as they become their own person, you definitely, if you’re objective, you can definitely be like, Ooh, I need to make some adjustments to the way I’m handling this situation.

’cause what they’re doing and mirroring is definitely is, and they, they learn that from me, right? True. When you get those, uh, unexpected words, it’s like, [00:10:00] oh, they’re paying more attention than I thought they were. I better start answering my words. Right. Or. Uh, first time my, my daughter mocked a guy who was driving like, and it was, it was totally legit.

’cause it was like the guy like, turned wrong against the light or something. She’s like, what an idiot. I was like, uh, she’s been in the car with me too much. Okay. Got it.

Trey Tijerina: Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: Try What’s the best part about being a dad?

Trey Tijerina: Hmm. Hmm.

This one might make me cry, man. Um,

the most, the best thing about being a dad to me,

I think it has, it’s probably just showing up, man. Just getting, getting to show up every day for my kids. And I know that we all have our experience with our fathers or. [00:11:00] With the lack of our father’s presence in our lives, whatever our upbringing was, you, I guess it’s that. It’s that story of redemption, you know?

It’s almost like, you know, I had a great dad, he’s a great guy, but I think the circumstances disallowed him to spend a lot of time with me, and he was caught up in his own, you know, I have to do this. I need to do this to make money and do this and that, and he’s had his own. Patterns and stuff that, that he’s had to work through.

And I think just as, as, as, as honest as I am about my childhood and as much as I’m going back in my childhood and doing a whole lot of work recently, I think the most important and the best thing for me has just been able to, to just be there for my kids to show up and to better myself and to better, um, their experience in the world and to, to equip them with the tools and to put form to the things that I know.

That they are curious about, because when I was a child [00:12:00] there, there was a lot of, there was a lot of floating pieces that I just couldn’t put form to as a child. As a child. And that allowed my imagination as a child to run free. And as I’m uncovering a lot of things, um, about my child and how I related to the world around me, if those things would’ve just been noticed from my parents and checked on, then I just, I’m curious about what would’ve happened.

And so. The best thing for me is because I didn’t get that and ’cause I’m aware of the impact that made. I get to, I get to show up for my kids in that way that I didn’t get. And so I think that’s the most meaningful and the best part about being a dad for me.

Brent Dowlen: I like it. I like it. You know, there, there are generally two kinds of reactions to having not the most present or not the best parents.

What, whatever the situation, right. You have some people who use it as a crutch their whole life who’re like, well, my parents didn’t love me enough, so I act this way. Right? And [00:13:00] then you have parents who go, for whatever reason, my parents were not optimal in certain scenarios, or they were just playing horrible people, or whatever the case is.

And they go, I’m gonna be better than that. I’m going to show up better. I’m going to be the father that I didn’t have. Right. They let it form them into really phenomenal parents.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah. And yeah, Brent, I, I, I, I wanna add something to that too, ’cause it just made me, he just made me think of something really important.

You know, my father is still alive and the, the, one of the most beautiful things I’ve witnessed is seeing my dad slow down in later life to be present with his grandchildren. And so it’s almost as if. It’s almost as if me showing up as a dad has allowed that whole thing be facilitated. And for me to see him be that way with my children has healed [00:14:00] something in my own past.

So that’s just a full circle kind of thing. But, you know, I, I, whatever dads are out there listening that, you know, obviously had, uh, a dad in their life, whether it was he was present or he wasn’t, you know, these, these things can come full circle if you. If you allow them to and allow miracles to work in life and stop trying to put yourself in every situation and mind.

Everything. Meaning like if, if you know, if, if you have a crap dad growing up and you always believe and assume he’s going to be a crap dad, that’s gonna translate to a crap person and it’s gonna be just a crappy. Situation every time you interact with that person. But if you allow them to maybe show up in a different way where they are more impossibility, where they can have some true change at a core level, or they can do some different things in terms of their behavior and show up differently, then that’s where I think life gets a little more surprising and miraculous when we as individuals can live like that and allow people [00:15:00] to show up differently in our lives.

And so as I’ve given my dad that grace, ’cause I could have held on to everything, right? I could have still been the dad that I was, but still had this internal dialogue that, you know, he was always gonna be this way or he wasn’t gonna be this way with my children or what have you. But instead of just kind of lived in possibility and now watching my dad kind of come to terms with a lot of where he missed out on my childhood.

’cause we have had those conversations just recently. Four months ago, two or three months ago, and he’s come and said some things that I never thought he would. But it’s, again, it’s like this beautiful part about being a father has opened up not only my children and i’s relationship, but my father and i’s relationship by me just being, uh, that role.

Brent Dowlen: Right. We, we, I, I think we can go and go and go, but you wanted to talk about imagination today. Yeah. And how that relates to dads. Yeah. So let’s, let’s go ahead and, [00:16:00] ’cause I, I think you and I could just go back and forth and have a great conversation for the next several hours, and I don’t know that that’s a possibility.

So let, let’s talk about imagination ’cause that’s not something that a lot of dads are. It kind of goes away. We stop thinking about imagination. We get serious and we start. And and dads are pretty good at play it. It’s actually a very natural state for dads to play with their kids. Yeah. But every now and then we start getting too serious.

There’s too much going on. So how does imagination relate to fathers?

Trey Tijerina: Yeah, that’s a great question and you brought up a great point because fathers. Aren’t just fathers, right? They’re the male role, they are the glue. You’re right, every, everything sticks around the father, you know, uh, most parent or, uh, most households, the father is the one that’s going out into the real world, providing in some way or interacting with people in the real world to build value, to build things and creating.

And[00:17:00]

as a, as someone who helps people with their imaginations, usually it’s adults that I work with, and it’s the adults that I find that believe at some level with inside of themselves that they don’t actually use their imagination anymore as an adult. And what I like to remind people about is we’re always using our imagination.

And so let me give you an example and then I’ll kind of tie it back into your, your, um, your, uh, initial question. When, when you think about just going through life as an adult, most of us as adults find living in the present moment a little challenging because we have a plethora of things to handle, take care of responsibilities.

Attention grabbers that are trying to grab our attention for whatever reason. And so when I talk to people about the imagination, there’s resistance because they, they think that [00:18:00] they’re not using it or they think that they don’t, they’re not good at it or what have you. But one of the easiest examples is the time imagination.

And so when we’re having a conversation with someone and it doesn’t go the way that we want it to, and we’re driving in the car and thinking about that conversation that we had, we’re using our imagination to think about that conversation to put us back into that position. I could have done this or I should have said this, or Why didn’t I do this or say this, or, or, or bring this up.

And so we’re using our imagination to go back in the past. Equally, if we are driving to work and we have a hard conversation with our boss, or we have a hard conversation with a client and we are thinking about it, we are using our imagination to project ourselves into the future to figure out what would I do in this situation or how will I handle it if he says this or she says this, or what do I say or what part should I leave out?

We’re always using our imagination is my point. If we are, if we are in mind. And [00:19:00] having those inner dialogues in minds, we are using imagination. And imagination isn’t just closing your eyes and visualizing imagination. As we as dads understand too in play can just be eyes wide open and. And pretending like the floor is l or pretending like the dinosaurs are here or pretending like, you know, um, we just, you know, flew a little paper airplane and it’s this big plane in the sky.

Like those are imaginative acts as well. And so the reason why imagination and. Fatherhood and all of the things that kind of go with it is, it’s just such a natural flow of life is because as fathers, you are right. We play with our children, we get to use our imagination. So that state of play it, it comes natural to a lot of us.

And then when we, you mentioned something else when you were bringing that up, and then when we put our serious hat on, [00:20:00] almost right? We have to go back into the real world and do all of these things. But for some reason there’s this disconnect between playing at the scale of our children’s domain and playing at the scale of real life.

In, in actuality, we’re both playing the same way. We’re both using our imagination because everything that you see outside of you was once in someone’s internal. It was once in someone’s imagination. So anything from cars, airplanes, desks, microphones that you’re seeing, our hats, everything came from the human imagination prior to it coming out into real world, into the real life.

And so when I help people, um, manifest what they want to consciously. First of all, we go through a process that helps them understand why they’re limited and why they’re not achieving freedom. And then we go through the process of consciously choosing how you’re using your imagination. And when I think about my children, especially my 2-year-old, [00:21:00] she, her imagination is her reality.

Like whatever she’s imagining at the time is what she’s experiencing in life. And what I’ve learned as a coach is those feelings that you experience from your imagination put us in the state of being. And whatever that state of being is at an emotional frequency level will ultimately be what the universe gives us back to mirror back to us, what we hold as true about ourselves.

And I know that’s kind of long-winded, but. When I use that framework for people, when I help them, it’s really easy, especially when they have kids, to help them understand, look, when you look at your child and they’re in their own little space, that is how you are, but you just can’t see it because you’re accustomed to believing that the world outside of you is permanent and you just have to respond to that world.

But that’s not the case. The case is, is the world around us is fluid and it’s completely responsive. To [00:22:00] what we’re feeling and to what we’re believing about the world and ourselves and what we’re assuming to be true.

Brent Dowlen: So you create your own reality.

Trey Tijerina: That’s right.

Brent Dowlen: The way you perceive it. I used to not put a lot of sock in.

Uh, I still don’t put a great deal of stock in manifestation as, as I hear, explained the majority of the time. Mm-hmm. Uh, you know, I, I, I’m not sold on. If I think about this hard enough, it’s gonna happen. Mm-hmm. Until someone actually broke it down for me. It’s like, yeah. But if you think about it hard enough, it becomes your focus and you start looking for the solutions that actually create that reality.

Right? Yeah, yeah,

Trey Tijerina: yeah. That’s one way to say it. Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: I used to totally just blow off. It’s like, ah, that’s all woo woo nonsense. I, you know. But I have come to a point where I believe in the power of the mind to the point of, you know, when [00:23:00] you start focusing on things, right? It, it’s the, it’s the new car effect, right?

Trey Tijerina: Yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: I buy that new red Jeep that matches my beautiful hat here and, and, uh. All of a sudden I see beautiful red Jeeps everywhere. I’m like, wait, I thought mine was kind of, Nope. Nope. They’re everywhere. Yeah. And it’s just that awareness. When you start actually looking for it in the world, you start seeing those things.

So, so when you start building things, you start seeing the pathways that will get you there.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah. One of the, one of the, one of the steps that I take when I meet people with skepticism is usually when we’re in these domains of conversation, people are wanting to manifest the good things. You know, like people are like, why can’t I manifest this or this?

And, um, you know, I, I, if, if manifestation was real, then why don’t I have all the things? ’cause I’m always thinking about ’em or whatever. And so the way I, I kind of reversed it a little bit, so I live by this motto, is at all times you’re [00:24:00] either creating limitations or you’re creating possibilities. And I’m able to, when I’m working with people, I’m able to help them see that they’re actually manifesting all the time.

Your limitations are a manifestation of your imagination. And so the easiest way I can say this is there was a client that I had, someone I was working with, and this is a personal story that she shared with me. I won’t say any names, but she was telling me that her, she used to watch her mom get, get beat from, I think it was the mom’s boyfriend, so it wasn’t her dad that was beating, but it was the mom’s boyfriend.

And so she brought up a story that I think she said she was round five to seven, maybe eight, and she witnessed that. And then what slowly started to happen was she started in her imagination, being fearful of that person coming to beat her. Although that person never came to beat her, she then moved away from that circumstance and into her grandma’s house, and her grandma began to beat her.

So [00:25:00] she began to have circumstances of getting beat. It wasn’t by the man that she thought it was, but she was still getting beat. So I’m explaining this because when she was using her imagination. While she was scared in the other room, I, I don’t know really all the details, but when she was scared in the other room or hiding in the closet or wherever she was, she said she would go in her, uh, mother’s closet sometimes.

But whenever she was there as a child, she’s using her imagination. She’s using it as, what if this happens? I’m scared. I’m feeling this way. I don’t want this to happen. Is mommy safe? Is mommy okay? Is mommy going to be okay? So there’s anxiousness, there’s worry, there’s anxiety. There’s. There’s fear and there’s all of these things, right?

But she’s imagining these acts potentially happening to her because as children, the way that we work is everything outside of us. We find out some way to relate it back to us, right? Is it our fault that parents are getting, or our parents are getting divorced? Is it our fault that the cat got, you know, out of the house?

Whatever it is, we’re always relating back to us, and so. The reason I bring that story up is [00:26:00] because when I work with adults, that’s why we focus on your limitations first, because we understand where you’re limited, whether it’s the language that you’re using, and I can identify with how you’re using the language that I can tell where you’re limited, or whether you come to me and say, man, I really wish I could change this about myself.

I haven’t been able to do this, or haven’t been able to change this, whatever it is. Then we kind of dissect, okay, this is your limitation. This is the box that you’re in. That you’re either down here at where you’re, you know, bank, you know, emotionally bankrupt, spiritually bankrupt. You’re kinda at the bottom or you’re at the top of your still box of your still limitations, and you feel like you’re on top of the world.

Maybe your finances are great, your life’s great. This is great, but you’re still limited, right? You’re still in that box. Maybe your relationships aren’t as as deep as they could be. With your children or your wife or whatever. Maybe your, um, you know, maybe your outlook on the world. Maybe you’re still kind of frustrated internally or mad, or you’re triggered and it’s, you’re triggered easily.

Whatever the case is. We all have our limitations and undesirable circumstances we wish [00:27:00] we could change about ourselves. And so my line of work identifies those limitations and helps the people, helps the, um, people I’m working with see that they’ve manifested those limitations just in their mind. So it comes from like, I can’t do this, or I’m not gonna be able to be like this.

Or I’m just like my dad who’s an alcoholic. So it makes sense that I’ll be the alcoholic. And all of this other stuff, all of these stories that we tell ourselves start in imagination at first. And so that’s what’s so important for, for humans to realize is that we’re always manifesting whether it’s limitations or it’s possibilities, and the reason why a lot of people have trouble with.

Believing that the manifestation on the positive spectrum can actually come to fruition in their lives is because they’ve been programmed and trained that they’re responding to reality that reality’s responding to you.

Brent Dowlen: So let’s, let’s turn that in towards dads. How do we use this knowledge on our imagination to become the dad we want to be.

Hmm.[00:28:00]

Trey Tijerina: Okay, so it goes back to our early part in the conversation. So our, our children are really good mirrors back to us. The triggers that we experience that our children bring out in us, for example, maybe we don’t all have them, but I’ll give my personal examples. So my 2-year-old, very challenging kid, very loud.

She’s very defiant. It is a process because again, my first one was not that way, and I’m by nature not that way. My 2-year-old brings out so many triggers in me. She’s probably the, she’s probably the main point of triggers in my life. I’m, when I’m driving, I’m not triggered. When I’m doing business, I’m not triggered.

Family events, I’m not triggered. Like I really, I think about all the triggers in my life and she’s really it. She’s really it. And so the best way we can use this knowledge to be better dads is to. Instead [00:29:00] of is to let the triggers come, invite the triggers, because those triggers are gonna show you where you still have work to do.

So, for example, my daughter brings out the feeling of anger or the emotion of anger with inside of me. If I, if she’s not listening or if I, you know, if, if some, if, if I tell her not to do something because there’s a, a grave consequence and she does it anyways just to spite me. That brings out feelings of anger.

And I’m not an angry person. Would never describe my people don’t describe me as that, but she is able to bring that out in me. And so months ago when I, when it was unchecked, I finally decided, look, if this is gonna continue, that’s fine, but I need a different way to relate to when this stuff happens. I need, I need a different approach for when this stuff happens.

And so. I started just relating to the triggers differently, and instead of looking at them as challenges or roadblocks, I looked at them as [00:30:00] invitations for me to relax, invitations for me to sink into the moment with my child instead of having expectations on what that moment should look like or what I want it to look like.

And I think just by being that way personally, it’s allowed me to go with the flow a lot more with my daughter. And I think also something else has happened where when she, because she’s able to trigger that inside of me, she’s picking up on something subconsciously with inside of me as I make those changes internally and reprogram myself consciously and subconsciously.

What I’ve noticed over, actually, honestly, the last two or three weeks is I’ve noticed my daughter, Evie. The one that’s really challenging me and, and showing me a lot of triggers. I’ve noticed her way of showing up for, for me has started to kind of shift a little bit. It started to alter a little bit, and that goes back to what I was saying about like the, you know, um, the dad that [00:31:00] you, you know, the dad you either never had or that is still there that didn’t do enough or what have.

If you allow people, and it’s not just adults, but if you allow children to show up in your life differently, instead of putting them in that box. ’cause I could say, this kid’s never gonna learn, or I could say, she’s never gonna listen. Or, you know, she’s not a good listener. Or I could use those things to describe her, but I’m putting her in that box.

And that’s not really doing her any favors. It’s not, that’s not allowing for her growth. That’s allowing for her limitations. ’cause again, that motto of you’re creating limitations. You’re creating possibilities. And so by living by that. Choosing to create possibilities for my daughter has just been a lot more fruitful.

I still have the challenges, don’t get me wrong, but they’re starting to kinda wade. And then my way of relating to those challenges has created my reality to just be a lot more calm and sweet and patient when it comes to the challenges that come up with her.

Brent Dowlen: I think there’s a lot of value in the idea of reframing, uh, our reactions.

[00:32:00] ’cause often when a child. Frustrates us or makes us angry, right? ’cause, uh, my, my oldest daughter had a magical gift. She could cry at a pitch that is at a, I have really, really sharp, sharp hearing. Um, and so I’m really vulnerable to certain pitches. Like they, it is just enough. Uh. I, I punched out a headboard once while I was trying to put her down for a nap.

Like

Trey Tijerina: mm-hmm.

Brent Dowlen: She hit this pitch and it’s literally like, I, I can feel this tingle in this my spine and it crawls up my spine. Um, ’cause she could just hit, hit this, this one pitch when she was shrieking that just like, I can feel it build and it’s like almost a painful energy.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: And I, and I punched out a headboard.

Yeah, I wasn’t, I wasn’t gonna hit my daughter. I, I, it wasn’t like I’m mad at her. It’s like, but this, [00:33:00] and, uh, it really freaked me out at the time. Right. So I started digging into, was like, okay, what about this? And, and it, for me, it really was just that frequency. I found out just like sticking, uh, earbud in my ear would change the pitch enough.

I did not have that kind of reaction. Oh, wow. But to have. In every situation our kids put us in, that really just set us in this direction. If we reframe and go, okay, is she trying to hurt me? Is she really trying to do something right? If we start reframing and asking those questions of ourselves, it’s like, is this really intentional?

Is she’s really trying to do this? Where did, where did she learn to do that from? Where’d they pick that up from? Right. And start reframing and asking the questions we need to start bend our head around.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Instead of going, I, I don’t think a lot of dads understand. We have this preconceived expectation of how this is gonna look.

Yeah. How it’s gonna respond in the [00:34:00] situation, how the child’s expected to respond in the situation. It’s like, but did you actually ever teach them that?

Trey Tijerina: Yeah. Did you

Brent Dowlen: help them understand the proper response in, in different scenarios? Yeah. I was asking myself that question regularly. It’s like. I didn’t teach them to react to this.

Right. I had this expectation of this is, if I say this, they’re gonna do this or whatever. Yeah. But did I ever teach them that this is how we respond in this situation and this is why this is the proper response to this situation. Yeah. And started putting a lot of holes and like I thought I was doing pretty good.

It was like, wow, I am really dropping the ball on some really important stuff that I didn’t realize I had to teach my kid. Right.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah. The, the, the thing that comes up for me is, you know, when, when we reframe, we think a lot about intellectualizing it, like understanding and again, reframing the wording or reframing the meaning behind it.

I wanna take it a step deeper, just real quick for the audience. So [00:35:00] when you’re reframing, like for, for example, when the anger came up for you, right? You can intellectualize it as you just walked us through, and that’s. That’s important and that’s critical because that will help you go forward consciously.

I want you to also remember that a lot of the times fear, shame, and guilt over our emotional states can also hinder our growth and our freedom from those emotional states. So for example, you, I’m sure you, when you got angry, just like I got angry, I’ve done, uh, you know. Not similar stuff, but I’ve, I’ve had my own anger expressions that I’m like, man, that’s not me.

You know? Like, it’s not who I wanna be. I don’t really experience that often. And, and it made me, you know, to think to myself and, and intellectualize it. But when I really wanna step, uh, when I wanna step deeper, it allowed for deeper levels of freedom. And so I’m gonna share that today. The reframes critical.

And it’s, it’s absolutely important that you, you [00:36:00] intellectualize it and you help yourself understand it. But also we have to remember that the feeling that we have and, and that’s linked to that experience is equally important. And so going into the feeling when you experience anger, our quick, sometimes our quick reaction is to dismiss it or to forget about it, or to just move on from it.

There’s resistance. There’s resistance that we’re having to that emotion because maybe we feel like we’re not handling it appropriately, or maybe we feel like it can control us or has power over us. Something along those lines. What I, what I invite people to do that are listening that may resonate with this experience.

Exactly. Your experience or my experience with anger coming up with children. Is to, instead of going down the natural pattern of feelings where I’m scared of it, or I don’t want that to happen, or it’s never gonna happen again, or I’m mad, I’m even angry at the fact that I got angry, right? Whatever that emotional pattern is for fathers, try to [00:37:00] make space for the anger.

Make space for how you felt in the moment. Make space for all of your emotions that you feel because then you’re not resisting. You’re giving permission. And so there’s one part, you stop resisting the emotion of anger and you start kind of living with it and giving it permission to be here. So that stops the resistance first and foremost.

And then once you stop the resistance, right? ’cause there’s this motto of what you resist persists. So if you stop the resistance, you then have this open green greenfield to then choose different. Responses choose different emotional states of being after you were moved from the anger. Because often when we move from that, we’re still resisting it.

So we’re still caught here while still trying to move forward consciously. And I just think we will find deeper levels of freedom if we can align the inte intellectual intellectualization of the reframe, but also emotionally [00:38:00] reframe as well.

Brent Dowlen: Dre, I gotta ask. You got a dad joke for us, A dad joke?

Trey Tijerina: Um, yeah, I do.

It’s, uh, it’s one that my kids never laugh at, but I always do because, um, it was told to me as a kid and I remember just laughing so hard about it. But, uh, okay, there was, um, there was a bear and he was in a bar and the bear asked the bartender and he says, oh yeah. Let me get a, a drink. And the bartender goes, sure, buddy.

But, um, but why the pause and the bear said I was born with him. Oh, that’s, it even gets me, it even gets me every time I say it because I just, oh man.

Brent Dowlen: Just, just wait When they’re, when they’re in [00:39:00] my kids’ age group. You’ll get a really great eye roll for that.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah. I’ll bust ’em out when in front of their friends too.

When they’re older. I will go, dad, joke all the way,

Brent Dowlen: right? Uh, yeah. Yeah. That, that’s one that comes a little. I’ll tell my kids that joke after I finish recording this, actually.

Trey Tijerina: For sure.

Brent Dowlen: Right. Because my, my daughter just, I, I get the greatest look. Sometimes I’ll, I’ll make a dad joke and they’re like, really?

Really? You had to go there? It’s like,

Trey Tijerina: yes, absolutely. That’s one of

Brent Dowlen: the great joys of being a dad.

Trey Tijerina: Yeah.

Brent Dowlen: Trey, what is your best piece of advice you wanna offer to dads?

Trey Tijerina: The best piece of advice that I have for dads I. Hmm. Just lead with love. That, that’s, that’s all I got right now. Lead with love. And that includes not only being a dad, but that includes every hat that you wear in life.

Whether it’s loving yourself, whether it’s loving your partner, [00:40:00] whether it’s loving your career, whether it’s loving your, your God, of your understanding, whatever it is, just lead with love. And I feel more abundance will happen in, in each and everyone’s lives. That does that.

Brent Dowlen: Where’s the best place for people to connect with you?

Trey Tijerina: Right now probably Instagram. I’m doing some content on there. And a lot of these, um, podcasts I’ve been doing are going on there. So Instagram, you can find me at Y Pay Trey, so it’s W-H-Y-P-A-Y-T-R-E-Y. And then you can also find me on X. I’m on X quite a bit, a lot more than Instagram. And um, I do like mingling there.

I’m thinking about doing some spaces and stuff about parenting and homeschool and curriculum and imagination and how all that goes together. Or you can email me directly if, uh, if you are a dad and some of the stuff I’ve said to you resonates and maybe some of the triggers that you’re experiencing [00:41:00] have been showing you where.

You don’t have the power that you really should. And if you feel like finding more levels of freedom as a parent and as a, as a person, then you can email me at y pay tray media@gmail.com and that’s y pay tray spelled out how I did previously, and then media at Gmail.

Brent Dowlen: Guys. Of course, we’ll have Trey’s connection points all down in the show notes, so the YouTube description.

Whatever platform you’re joining us on today, we’ll make sure you connect with Trey if you’re resonating with what he’s saying. If you want to go deeper with him, uh, we’ll absolutely make sure that’s possible for you. Trey, as we wrap this out and we’ve discussed a few different things today, we’ve shared some stories, we’ve shared some very personalized issues right, uh, with how our kids just triggered and set us off.

If they heard nothing else today, what do you want? The dads [00:42:00] listening to this to hear

Trey Tijerina: that at the end of the day, gratitude is the attitude that gives you more to be thankful for.

Brent Dowlen: Wow.

That’s one of those earwig sayings, man. Just get that stuck in your head guys. This is not a bad one to have stuck in your head. Trey, thanks for hanging out with us and guys, thanks for joining us on the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast. Community of dads just navigating life challenges together. Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad [00:43:00] life.