The Six Ancient Loves That Rebuild Any Marriage From the Ground Up

[00:00:00] Have you ever had that moment where you look across the room at your wife and something feels off, you can’t quite put your finger on it. You are not fighting, you’re not angry, and you’re pretty sure she’s not. But something’s missing the spark that pool, the energy that used to make you chase her across the house just as silly a kiss.

Yeah, that you’re still in love, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Your teammates, roommates, co-parents, business partners, but somewhere in the middle of paying bills and raising kids, that magic quietly slipped out the back door. If that hits a little too close to home, you’re not broken. You’re human. A lot of marriages go through this.

And I wanna help you [00:01:00] see something that changed the way I look at my marriage forever, and I think it will help you as well see, in English, we use just one word for love, just one. I love my wife, I love my truck. I love tacos. Well, all three of those things are definitely true, but how can you love tacos the way you love your wife?

Why? Well, they’re very different things, right? We flatten it down, but in ancient languages, they had more than one word for love. In fact, in Asian Hebrew, they had six, six distinct living, breathing kinds of love that builds something whole and unshakeable. And when one of those things goes missing, well, your marriage is gonna fill it.

Today we’re gonna dig into those six loves, what they mean, how they show up, and what happens in your brain, your faith, and your [00:02:00] heart when you start living them out in your marriage. Because your marriage doesn’t need a spark. It needs structure. It doesn’t need more romance, it needs rhythm. And the truth is, love was never meant to be one dimensional.

A marriage doesn’t fall apart because two people stop loving each other. It falls apart because they stop loving each other in all the ways that matter.

Let’s start with some foundation. First and maybe the most misunderstood kinda love is called, Hesed it’s unwavering. Love has said isn’t about butterflies. It’s not about how you feel when everything’s going right. And well with the world Hesed is the kinda love that shows up even when it’s inconvenient.

It’s a Hebrew word that literally means steadfast, covenant, unbreakable loyalty. It’s the love that says, I choose you [00:03:00] even when I don’t feel like it. Here’s the thing. In a world that worships feelings, Hesed is rebellion. It’s what you give when your emotions are bankrupt, but your commitment is full.

It’s not sexy, it’s not cinematic, and let’s face it, it’s not always easy, but it’s sacred. God’s love in the Old Testament was subscribed as Hesed, the steadfast love of the Lord. Never see ceases. That’s outta Lamentations 3 22. It’s not romance, it’s reliability. Marcus Aurelius once wrote Waste. No more time arguing What a good man should be.

Just be one. I think the same thing is true of marriage. Stop arguing about what love should feel like. Be it, be love [00:04:00] psychologically has said, hits the part of your brain that craves security. The attachment circuits, when you show up consistently, even in silence, your partner’s nervous system learns I’m safe here, which is something we weren’t all taught growing up, that a marriage relationship needs a safety.

It needs to feel safe emotionally. That’s what builds trust. At a biological level, it’s not a grand gesture. It’s a daily presence. Romance builds, excitement, Hesed builds safety and without safety, passion can’t survive. You can’t fake this one, man. It’s you either show up or you didn’t. It’s really black or white every time you choose.

Patience over pride. Every time you come home, when you don’t feel like it, every time you put your phone down and listen, your building Hesed brick by brick, day by day, [00:05:00] you don’t need fireworks, you need foundation. Because has said is the kind of love that says, I’m not going anywhere, even when you’re not easy to love.

Let’s face it guys, we should be grateful. ’cause I know I have those days when I’m certainly not easy to love. So if you have this kinda love in your relationship, this is a great thing. And if you can start here, if you can anchor your marriage in unwavering love, the rest of what we talk about today will actually, it can actually grow.

Alright, we’re gonna take a quick breather here, but I want you to think about something. Where are you showing up? Only when it’s convenient and where do you need to start showing up no matter what, because that’s where Hesed begins. You know, one of the biggest and best investments I’ve made in my marriage, it has nothing to do with counseling or date nights.

It wasn’t even a marriage class, it was [00:06:00] sleep, and I’m serious about that. If you’ve ever tried to communicate and connect when you’re exhausted. You already know tired people don’t really love, well, I’m not talking like, you know, hanging from the chandelier. Love. I’m talking like I kinda hate you right now.

Love, right, tired people. Just, it’s, it’s not a fun conversation and it doesn’t ever work well. That’s why I’m such a believer in MyPillow products from their sheets, blankets, and towels to my favorite MyPillow 2.0, which I sleep on every night. This stuff genuinely changes your rest. We use their body pillows at our home.

And I’ll be honest, my wife might still mine every night if I hadn’t bought her one because she loves their body pillows as much as I do. You can check it all out at mypillow.com. And here’s the kicker, if you use my promo code thrive, you’ll save up to 80% off your order. Better sleep equals better marriage connection and better connection equals a better marriage.

Now let’s roll that [00:07:00] bumper and get into the show. The Driven 2 Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving purpose-filled intentional lives. Welcome to the Driven 2 Thrive broadcast where men learn to lead themselves, their families, and their world with purpose, growth, and lasting impact.

I’m your host, Brent Dowlen. Let’s get right into it. Next up, we’re talking about the kind of love that sticks when everything else wants to fall apart. We’re talking about Dabaq. Resilient love. Yes, I am probably pronouncing all these wrong because I’m great at research, but let’s face it, we all know I struggle with pronunciation.

That’s an understatement. Here’s the truth that most men never actually hear about this kind of love. Love doesn’t stay strong because you avoid storms. It stays strong because you learn how to bend without breaking. Every marriage hits that season where it feels like you’re speaking two [00:08:00] different languages.

That’s why there are books like Men Are From Mars. When we, for Venus, we do think differently and often we communicate differently, but that’s not the end. That’s just part of the course of marriage. You’re both trying. You’re both tired, and somehow every conversation turns into a misunderstanding. You start thinking, man, are we even on the same team anymore?

That’s where this next love comes in. Dabaq literally means to clinging, to, to hold fast, to cleave. Is that ride or die? Kinda love that. They like to. Show in movies, ride or Die. Genesis says, A man shall leave his father and mother and Dabaq to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. That’s not poetry.

That’s a blueprint. When I think about Dabaq, I think about [00:09:00] those moments when everything feels like it’s just coming apart off the rails. When you have the same fight for the 10th time. Ah. Ah, come on. Anybody else? Hands. Hands, yeah. When you’re both hurting and walking away looks a whole lot easier than staying.

That’s when resilient love speaks louder than emotional love ever could. Here’s the line to live by guys. Try this one. You can. You can’t build forever. If you quit every time it gets uncomfortable. Dabaq is the glue that keeps you together when emotions evaporate, it’s not denial,

 it’s decision. The stoics is called this Amor Fati . Love your fate, not tolerate it. Love it. Love the challenges because they forge you. Of the tension because it actually strengthens you. Every trial is a test of your bond, not your [00:10:00] compatibility. From a psychological standpoint, this kind of resilience rewires your brain. When couples repair a conflict or repair after conflict, I should say, when they choose to come back together, the brain records it as a trust deposit.

Each repair strengthens the connection and builds emotional immunity. You’ve seen this in combat units, in teams that have fought together. The bond doesn’t come from comfort. It comes from shared struggle. Resilient love isn’t about never falling. It’s about falling together and getting back up side by side.

The truth is most people treat marriage like a contract. Dabaq reminds us that it’s a covenant. Contracts break when conditions change. Covenants hold because character doesn’t. So if you’re in a hard season right now, don’t assume something’s wrong. [00:11:00] Maybe you’re just being given the chance to build Dabaq love to show your spouse that no matter how hard it gets, you are not running.

Because resilience doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it means you heal together. Now. There’s a flip side to resilience. Sometimes we hang on, but we hang on with resentment. We stay, but we keep score. And if you’ve been on the show before, you know that’s a big red flag. We move forward, but we drag the old offenses behind us, like chains, right?

Think of the cool ghost from, uh. The Christmas movie with Scrooge, right? Those chains that they’re dragging behind them we’re Marley and Marley. Well guys, that’s where this next love comes in. Luo, our forgiving love, and I’m, [00:12:00] like I said, I’m sure I’m butchering those, Luo means to loosen, to release, to set free.

It’s the kind of love that stops punishing your spouse for being human. You ever find yourself replaying an argument long after it’s over. Shh. It’s okay. You can admit it. It’s just us here. She apologized. Maybe even cried, you know? ’cause that gets you, because your mind keeps rolling through the highlight reel of everything she said wrong.

Yeah. Been there. See, that’s your ego. That’s not your heart. Driving the bus. The stoics nailed this centuries ago. It picked a said, we suffer more in imagination than in reality. Forgiveness is the act of refusing to suffer twice. Once from what happened, and again, from what you keep replaying in your head.[00:13:00]

Jesus’ modeled this perfectly. Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Guys hanging on a cross on a death sentence. Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. Forgiveness isn’t approval. Jesus wasn’t approving their actions and you’re not necessarily approving of your wife’s actions, but it’s liberation yours and theirs.

Neuroscience backs us up. When you hold onto bitterness, your brain floods with cortisol. Your body body literally stays in fight or flight mode. But when you forgive, cortisol drops. Serotonin levels rise and peace becomes chemically possible. You stop living in the prison of what they did, and you start breathing again.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering without reopening old wounds. [00:14:00] Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It’s discipline. You choose to stop swinging the emotional hammer. Every time you think about that past. You choose to let love win over ego. When you forgive, you’re not excusing the pain.

You’re just reclaiming your peace and the peace in your relationship. And peace is a better weapon for intimacy than anger ever was. So if you’re sitting there right now holding onto that one thing, that comment, that betrayal, that disappointment, that frustration, maybe maybe today’s the day to drop that, because until you do, you can’t actually move to the next kinda love.

You can’t know someone deeply if you’re still holding them hostage. And forgiveness sets the stage for connection. And that’s what brings us to the next layer. It’s called Yada. It’s intimate [00:15:00] love. And let’s be honest, most people think intimacy means sex, but that’s not what yaah is. Oh, yes, baby. Oh yes.

Yada means to know, not just to observe or to understand. To know in the deepest, most personal way possible. Genesis said, and Adam knew Yada, his wife, Eve. That wasn’t about mechanics. It was about meaning. Intimacy is about seeing and being seen. It’s about letting someone look into the messy corners of your soul and choosing not to hide, and that’s terrifying.

It really is in fact. This is something that a lot of men really struggle with, myself included over the years, but it’s also where connection becomes unbreakable. Here’s what I’ve learned so far. You can’t be fully loved until you’re fully known and you can’t be fully known if you keep [00:16:00] performing. So many marriages live behind emotional mask.

We just share enough to stay comfortable. We tell half truths to keep the peace, and then we wonder why we feel lonely even in the same bed.

The stoic said, no thyself. Seneca wrote, no man can love another unless he first knows himself. Yada is about self-awareness first, because if you don’t know who you are, you can’t offer yourself honestly to anybody else. Psychologically intimacy releases oxytocin, the boning hormone. We love our hormones.

We love our brain. God made an amazing thing up there. But here’s the secret. Your brain doesn’t release it just from touch. Your brain releases it from trust. When you tell the truth, when you expose a fear, a failure, a dream, your body [00:17:00] responds by bonding. That’s what makes emotional intimacy more powerful than physical attraction.

Now, this one stings a little. You can’t demand demand intimacy while withholding honesty in your marriage. If your marriage feels distant, start by asking yourself, what part of me am I hiding? Yada takes courage because when your spouse knows your weaknesses. They also hold power to wound you, and that’s a risk, but it’s the same risk that creates real love.

Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s a doorway to depth. You want a stronger marriage? Stop trying to impress your spouse. Start trying to know them. Ask better questions. Listen longer than you talk. Go back to those long walks or long drives as my friend Oliver and Denise like to talk [00:18:00] about in their marriage.

They go on long drives and that’s where they talk and connect. But go back to that time when you were getting to know each other. Listen longer than you talk and be curious. Instead of being critical, don’t think of what you’re saying next. Just listen process, and then you can respond. That’s how you build a connection that doesn’t need constant validation.

Because it’s rooted in understanding, not performance. Yada is the love that turns roommates into soulmates. But here’s the thing. Intimacy can only survive when it’s built on humility, and humility is the heartbeat of the next kind of love. Agape is the love that most of us think about when we picture unconditional love.

It’s the kind that doesn’t keep score. It’s the kind that serves without expecting anything back. It’s the kind that ask what’s best for them, not what’s [00:19:00] easiest for me. The Bible says love is patient. Love is kind. It does not seek its own. One. Corinthians 13, that’s agape. It’s not transactional, it’s transformational.

The Stoics had their own version of this idea and it’s virtue above comfort. They taught that the highest form of living was doing the right thing because it’s right, not because it’s rewarded. Agape, is that in motion? But here’s the truth and it’s gonna sting a little. Real love cost you something. If it doesn’t, it’s probably convenience, not commitment.

You see this in small things. It’s taking the trash out when you’re tired. It’s showing up when you spouse is struggling and you’re running on empty, is giving up being right for the sake of being united. When you practice agape, your brain actually rewards you. Active service activate the [00:20:00] ventral strike tm.

I wrote that down just so I could try and not screw it up. That’s your reward center, the same area that lights you up when you experience joy or pleasure. Science has confirmed what faith taught us all along. Serving your spouse brings you happiness. That selfishness never actually will. The happiest marriages aren’t built on finding the right person.

They’re built on becoming the right person. Agape doesn’t mean you get walked on. It means you walk in Strength. Strength is used to sacrifice because it leads us to something greater. So let me ask you, when was the last time you needed something purely for your spouse’s good? Not for approval, not for appreciation, not because you got nagged.

But simply because you could. That’s agape, that’s love and action. And here’s the thing. When you start living with that [00:21:00] kind of love, it transforms everything. But if you’re ready to go deeper into what fuels that transformation, the raw unfiltered conversation about what it means to be the man in the middle of this journey, there’s a space I created just for that.

If you’ve ever listened to this show and thought. Man, I wish I could hear things, hear what happens before and after the mic turns on. Then you’re gonna love our Patreon only podcast behind closed mics. Fallible and unfiltered. That’s where I share the parts that don’t make the main feed, the messy lessons, the private reflections, the honest struggles that shape everything we talk about here on this podcast and my other shows.

It’s not polished, it’s not scripted, it’s real, and it’s only available to our Patreon family. So if you’re kind of the man, the kind of man who doesn’t just listen but wants to live this out, head over to patreon.com/the Fallible Man and join our community. That’s patreon.com/the fallible man. Alright, let’s finish this out strong, guys, because there’s [00:22:00] still another.

Love we haven’t talked about because everything we’ve talked about so far, commitment, resilience, forgiveness, intimacy, and selflessness all leads to this final kind of love. And that is, and I’m gonna really screw this one up, Euangelion , missional love. When you built a marriage with all the love we’ve talked about, Hesed Dabuq, Luo yada, and agape, there’s one final step that actually pulls it all together and that’s Euangelion love.

It’s missional love. It’s us being on the same track together. This is the love to ask the question, what are we here for? Not me, not you, us. What are we here for? Euangelion, I’m gonna screw that up. So many times in this show means good news. It’s where we get the word gospel, but it’s more than just a Bible thing.

It’s the idea that love itself [00:23:00] has a purpose, a message to deliver, a mission to fulfill. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. A marriage without a mission becomes maintenance. You stop building and just start surviving. When two people are united around a shared purpose, they stop competing and start complimenting each other, like complimenting this.

In pairing together and picking up each other’s strengths, they stop measuring who’s doing more, and they start asking, how can we make more of an impact together? In Ephesians, Paul says that marriage is the picture of Christ in the church. A union that points to something greater than himself. That’s.

It’s not just about love between two people, it’s about the ripple effect that love has on everyone around them. When you and your spouse lock arms around a shared mission, whether that’s raising world changers, serving your community, mentoring each others, or simply showing the world what grace looks like in motion, [00:24:00] you step into something bigger than comfort.

You step into calling Marcus Aurelius wrote, what is Not Good for the Hive is not good for the bee. That’s missional love and stoic language. Your marriage was never meant to exist in isolation. It was meant to bless the world around it. You too, together as unit is meant for something bigger. So here’s the thing, marriage isn’t the finish line of love.

It’s actually the launching pad of purpose together. When you see relationship, what you, when you see your relationship as a mission field, that’s sort of a milestone. You stop asking, are we happy? And we start asking, are we effective? Because happiness follows purpose and it doesn’t create it. That’s where you get things like this show.

This is something that it, I’ll, I’ll open up right here in my marriage. This is how we get this show. The Driven 2 Thrive broadcast, my wife. Is my [00:25:00] business partner. We started this together. We’re in this together. My wife helps make this all possible. When we decided we wanted to serve men and create programming and create tools and resources to serve men, that was a together choice and a mission.

We’re on together guys. You don’t see her on this side of the microphone very often or this side of the camera, but that’s what this is talking about. Together we are on this track. To help make the world of men a better place to equip you with the tools you need and the knowledge and the ideas that will help you live your very best life.

You see me on camera, but this kind of love, this missional love. My wife is walking side by side with this, and that is what makes it all possible. That my friends is the final layer of a thriving marriage. Not just love that lasts, but love that leads. So let’s zoom out for a minute. You’ve just [00:26:00] heard the six loves, and I butchered their names incredibly.

That’s an understatement. Hesed is unwavering commitment. Dabuq is resilient, perseverance. Luo is forgiving, freedom, Yada is intimate connection. Agape is selfless service and Euangelion is missional purpose. Each one of these is a strand. It’s strong on its own. But unbreakable when woven together, miss one, and that cord starts to fray.

Live all six. And your marriage becomes a force. Something that heals, something that inspires, and something that endures. So here’s your final takeaway, guys. Love isn’t lost overnight. It’s lost one missing ingredient at a time. If something’s been missing in your marriage, it’s not too late to re rebuild it.

Start with one. Pick that love that’s weakest right now in your relationship and [00:27:00] start living it intentionally for the next 30 days. Watch what happens. You’ll be absolutely amazed how one act of consistency can start reviving connection, trust, and even attraction. Because thriving marriages don’t happen by luck.

They happen by leadership, and that leadership that starts with you. If this conversation hits you in the heart, don’t just let it fade. With this episode, guys, join our community of purpose-driven men who are learning to lead with strength, faith, and emotional intelligence. Head over to purpose-driven men.com and join our mailing list.

You get free tools, biweekly insights, and personal updates that go deeper into everything we talk about on the Driven 2 Thrive broadcast and more. That’s Purpose-driven men.com. Your next step towards a thriving marriage, a thriving life that starts here. And remember, love isn’t a feeling. It’s a framework.

Build it right and you’ll carry it for a lifetime. Thanks for hanging out today with me. Until next time, keep [00:28:00] showing up. Keep growing, keep learning to thrive on purpose and be better tomorrow because what you do today, and we’ll see on the next one, the Driven 2 Thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving.

Purpose-filled intentional lives.