Focus and The Woman in the Red Dress: Why Most Men Lose Their Future One Glance at a Time

Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Most men don’t quit on their dreams. They don’t walk away angry. They don’t slam the door. They don’t even consciously decide they’re done. They just kind of look away. They’re working on the plan. They’re building momentum. They finally feel like something’s moving, and then something shiny shows up a new idea, a better angle, a shortcut.

Something totally unrelated that just looks better and someone else’s successful story that makes their own feel slow or like is not working In the Matrix, there’s a training scene where the woman in the red dress comes into play. Neo looks, everyone looks, and Morpheus stops the entire program. Why?

Because attention was hijacked. 

Laurence Fishburn: Were you listening to me Neo, or were you looking at the woman in the [00:01:00] red dress? 

Brent Dowlen: And here’s the part that most men miss. Nothing attacked Neo. Nothing forced him. He simply looked and got distracted. Most men don’t lose their future through failure. They just lose it through distraction.

One single solitary glance at a time. Well, here’s the realization that most men never get told. Focus isn’t something you magically discover, it’s something you protect. The men who make progress aren’t more driven than you. They aren’t more special than you. They may not even be smarter than you. They’re just harder to pull off.

Course. They’ve learned that attention is fragile and expensive. Every time you look away, you reset the clock on your future, and most of us have been resetting it for years without realizing it. Our sponsors, MyPillow are running their [00:02:00] winter super sale with original. My pillows as low as 14.98. Giza Dream Sheets as low as 29 point 98.

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MyPillow, the Driven 2 Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact [00:03:00] for men, helping men go from living to thriving. Purpose-filled intentional lives. Welcome to the Driven 2 Thrive broadcast where men learn to lead themselves, their families. And their world with purpose growth, Atlassian Impact.

I’m your host, Brent Dowlen. Let’s get right back into this. You actually can do almost anything in your life, but you can’t do everything. You can. Definitely can’t do it all at the same time. And we really like, I know I get hijacked by that all the time. Progress doesn’t respond to intensity. It responds to continuity.

Divide your attention and you’re in trouble. Divided attention doesn’t stop you. It just slows you down long enough to make you quit or to make you feel like you’re behind or to make you feel like everybody’s passing you, and then you just walk away. And that’s where most men gets stuck. So let’s [00:04:00] talk about how divided attention fractures, progress, neuroscience calls it, attention residue.

Every time you switch task, your brain keeps part of itself on the last thing you were doing. So even when you sit back down, you’re not necessarily fully there. You feel busy, but not effective. Tired, but not fulfilled. Stoics warned about this centuries ago, pictus or a pedic, or however you say it, ’cause they always pronounce this wrong.

But regardless, he was a pretty smart dude. He taught that excellence requires commitment to a single course, not constant redirection. Momentum doesn’t survive multitasking. No matter how good you think you are at it, you are really not. And neither am I true fact. Most men aren’t failing because they’re lazy.

They’re failing because they just keep starting over and starting over and starting [00:05:00] over, and it’s really hard to get anywhere when you just keep starting over all the time. So try this out. The next 30 days, choose one primary objective, not a list, not a season. One thing one. Now I know we’re close to New Year’s.

I’m not saying a New Year’s resolution. One thing, write it somewhere. You’re gonna see it every single day. And when something else pops up that looks tempting, right? The whole grass is greener idea. Ask yourself this one question, does this move me forward? Or just sideways? Because sideways feels like progress.

You’re still moving, but it feels like progress until the years pass. That leads us to something even deeper, something a lot of us struggle with. Shiny object syndrome. Okay, let’s, let’s admit it. We’ve all had those, [00:06:00] you know, shiny moments, right? Um, my wife and I joke about is 

Laurence Fishburn: squirrel. You 

Brent Dowlen: know, you, you all know exactly what I’m talking about.

I promise somebody just popped into your mind when I said it. Shiny object syndrome is actually an identity problem. See, most distractions don’t win because they’re bad. They win because they’re undefined. Scripture says it plainly. A double mind man is unstable in all of his ways. That’s James one A.

It’s not an insult, it’s a diagnosis. If you haven’t decided who you are, then everything gets a vote. The stoics called this idea the undisciplined desire, wanting too many things at once. Curiosity becomes camouflage for indecision, and the world is more than happy to keep auditioning you for new roles, guys.

Now [00:07:00] here’s something you can try if you struggle with shiny syndrome. Finish this sentence on paper for the next 90 days. I am the man who blank. If you listen to our last episode, you should be familiar with this idea of identity for the next 90 days. I am the man who fill in the blank. Then look at it.

Your calendar, your habits, your boundaries. If they don’t support that identity. Something else is running your life and everything else gets a vote on what you do. And once identity is shaken, focus almost never lasts guys. It starts just falling apart. But with identity focus becomes really easy because you can fill in that sentence.

I am a man who, and if it doesn’t meet that identity. It doesn’t get a vote. It really narrows the scope [00:08:00] quickly, which brings us to the real battle battlefield, which is attention, right? We live in a world just engineered to fraction fracture attention. Well, when it comes to masculinity and men attention is actually a masculine discipline.

Dopamine rewards novelty, not consistency. So boredom feels wrong even when it’s necessary. That’s why mastery looks boring from the outside. Elite athletes train the same movements, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of times. The greatest athletes of all time never stop. Michael Jordan was famous for shooting 253 free throws.

After games and after practice, he did it over and over and over again. Supposedly, according to what everybody says, after [00:09:00] every practice and every game, great writers, they sit alone with blank PA pages. Strong marriages are built on unglamorous consistency, but showing up for your spouse over and over and over again no matter what the day looks like.

Boredom is the toll booth to mastery. Discipline isn’t punishment, it’s protection. There’s a reason someone like Jocko, Willie Willink Willink, I always say names wrong. Have you noticed that there’s a reason like someone like Jocko resonates so deeply with men? It’s not because he’s loud. He doesn’t have to be.

It’s not because he’s extreme, it’s because he’s predictable. We all know the saying, right? Discipline equals freedom. Same early mornings, same training, same discipline, day after day, after day after day. And that’s what he teaches, right? And from the outside, that looks boring. No chasing [00:10:00] trends, no jumping programs, no reinventing himself every six months.

That’s not a motivation thing. That’s a focus. That’s discipline. That’s. Absolute focus on who he identifies as and where he’s going. Discipline is just attention practiced daily, and here’s what most men miss out on. That discipline doesn’t just make him an effective leader. It makes him a steady father.

It makes him present in his marriage. It makes him reliable under pressure because when your intention is isn’t scattered, then neither is your character. You don’t rise to the level of your height, guys. You fall to the level of your habits. Now try this. If you’re struggling with this idea, create a daily focus block, same time, same place, same task, [00:11:00] phone, and other distractions outta reach.

And when that distraction shows up, don’t negotiate it. Treat it like it’s a breach in the fortress. ’cause what you allow today becomes normal tomorrow, and that matters more than most men even realize. Now, what you pay attention to is what you become. Scripture warns us as a man thinks in his heart, so he is.

Proverbs 23 and 7 23 7. The stoics echoed it. Your thoughts shape your character. Your attention is quietly steering your life. Attention is the steering wheel of identity. When you, what you feed actually starts to grow, what you starve, that fades out. Most men never actually audit what they’re consuming.

So maybe take a step back this week and remove one of the inputs that fragments your attention. [00:12:00] It might be an app. You guys know how I feel about cell phones? I still have one, but. Man, these things can get you off ground fast, right? It might be one feed on a, on a particular social media. It might be Netflix.

It might be a late night habit like Netflix and Chill. It might be that you love to read so much. That actually goes from being a really great habit to keeping you from getting the rest you need every night because you stay up reading too late all the time. It could be one draining conversation. You don’t need to do a complete purge.

You just need to be really intentional about one thing to start the process, because focus compounds in both directions. Now, lemme pause here, guys, and if you want the real conversations, the ones about how distraction shows up, marriage, faith, fatherhood, faith leadership, that’s what we do on behind close mics.

That’s where I talk very honestly about where I [00:13:00] drift. Where I lose focus and how I course correct in real life while trying to manage five podcasts, being of husband, being a father, and a content creator and a coach. And guys, when you have that much going on, as you all know, ’cause you all have a lot going on too, distraction comes easy.

And if distraction is the intimacy enemy, well honesty is actually the weapon. You can check that out on our Patreon. There’s a link in the show notes. Now let’s bring this one home. Focus is daily practice guys. It’s not a personal trait and most men tend to get this wrong. They think focus is something you either have or you don’t.

Well, there’s almost nothing that’s that black and white or just that stupidly simple. It’s not Focus is a muscle. Neuroscience shows us actually. The focus strengthens through repetition, just like muscle. [00:14:00] The STOs believe the discipline was built through daily practice, not heroic movements. And scripture tells us that whoever’s faithful with little is faithful with much more.

Luke 1610, when you see this in real life, you look at someone like Dwayne the Rock Johnson, not because he’s flashy, but because he’s relentlessly consistent. Same early morning, same training habits, same discipline with work, same long-term commitments. All of it comes together because it’s something you can practice, it’s something you can build.

So if this is something you’ve struggled with, know that you are not screwed here. You absolutely can build the life you want. You can become the man you want to be. Because it’s just a matter of repetitive practice. Finish line’s favor stubborn men, not emotional men, not excited men, consistent men. [00:15:00] Each day try this.

Ask one question, did my intention match my priorities today or did it not? If not, don’t shame yourself. We all. Screw up. We all make mistake. We all get off track. Just adjust tomorrow before motivation fades. Now guys, we’ve covered the fact that most men don’t fail loudly. They fade quietly. The focus reverses the drift, and you don’t need a new plan.

You just need fewer exits to get off your plan, protect your attention, like your future depends on it, because it really does, and this is something you can absolutely build. Absolutely master, no matter where you are right now, you can do it and you can get on the track you want to be on. Share this episode with a man who feels stuck and remember, be better tomorrow because what you do today, [00:16:00] and we’ll see you on the next one.

The Driven 2 Thrive broadcast, purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men, helping men go from living to thriving. Purpose-filled intentional lives.