Loving Your Kids Without Loving Their Hobbies – A Candid Dad Talk with Andy Coyle

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] So Andy, every dad has a great story like that, that story that just makes you sit back and, and laugh every time you think about it. And it might be your experience with your kids or something your kids did. What, what is your dad’s story? I.

Andy Coyle: Well, as most parents with multiple kids know, those kind of come up a lot, actually more than a little.

It’s amazing how frequently they come up. It gets hilarious. Uh, but as a fun touchstone one for me. Uh, my second daughter was oh 10 I think, and we’re a big musical household, and she got hyper-focused on, uh, Joseph in the Technicolor Dream coat. Musical. The one with the guy with the real strong chin. I don’t remember what the actor’s name is.

Uh, but everybody’s like, wow, he’s good looking. And uh, there’s significant portions of that movie because it’s Egyptian themed in some parts where he is in very stylized rather skimpy clothing. I. Now, this didn’t bother me. She’s 12 or 10. She’s like 10 at the time. And, uh, old [00:01:00] delayed development. So I didn’t care.

But I’m doing dishes and I try to interact with her and I’m like, oh, hey Nellie, what you doing? And she goes, I’m watching Justin. I’m like, oh cool. You know, and I’m like, and I’m like, you know, and she, and she goes, um, yeah, I like watching him because he had, uh, I like watching him and it’s really crazy ’cause he has a big, and I’m doing dishes.

I can’t quite hear what she says ’cause she’s not facing me. But it really sounds like he has a big, and it ends in a and I, I free, um, what I brain just died. I, I, my little 8-year-old girl just said the, and I, and I look over and it’s in this scene where he’s in basically, you know, a loin cloth or a, a Egyptian kilt thing.

And I’m just like, what, what? What? I’m sorry. What? And she repeats it. Still can’t hear what she says. I have to turn off the sink. Say honey, pause the movie. What did you say? It’s really crazy ’cause he has such a huge neck. [00:02:00] Oh, and the re like the weird combination of relief and ridiculousness about it.

Like I just start laughing and laughing and because I was so freaked out, I didn’t realize I had spilled some water on the ground from doing dishes and I was laughing so hard. I slipped on it and fell and she’s like, dad, are you okay? I said, yeah, I just thought you said something weird about the movie.

And she goes, it is a weird movie. And then goes back to watching him. Nothing’s wrong as I’m just laughing on the floor. Wow. Oh yeah. And there’s a lot of stories like that. How you skipped

D Brent Dowlen: a beat.

Andy Coyle: Yeah. Yes, yes. The you said what now? Yeah. I, I have a, a, a higher tenor voice on than, than a lot of guys in some cases, but even my voice is like, what?

And squeaked that bat since I, I was 13. Oh, wow.

D Brent Dowlen: Yep. Yep. That makes sense.

As a dad, it can be super overwhelming when your kid does [00:03:00] everything they can. You run from sports practice to play practice to choir, to girls scouts, to boy scouts, to church things. They love Pokemons. They love dinosaurs. They love shoes. They love everything, and everything is super exciting to your children, and they tell you all about it.

If you have multiple kids, it’s multiplied by every child you had because they all have the things they’re into and they think you should be into everything. You feel like you have to love everything they do while sitting there wishing it would just all stop and you’d get a break from it. But what if I told you you didn’t have to pretend you liked Pokemon or shoes our ballet?

What if I told you it was okay to love your kid and not everything they do? Did you know? It’s perfectly fine to be super enthusiastic about your child without being super enthusiastic about everything your kid is involved with. But how do you have that conversation and convey that to them without hurting their [00:04:00] feelings and making sure they know you still love them?

That can seem a little tricky, but today I’m talking with Father of four Andy Coyle, as we explore loving your kids without loving all they do and being able to talk to them about that so you don’t lose your mind along the way. I. We’ll be right back with Andy right after this. I’m back. I sleep on my pillow.

I sleep on my pillow. GI sheets. We’re a MyPillow household. We have MyPillow products everywhere. I was sleeping on them last night. I was using them today. They’re in my cupboards. They’re in my, I. Linen closet, they’re on my bed. We love MyPillow and I absolutely would not recommend a company I don’t use.

So we’re proud to have Mike Liddell MyPillow as sponsors of the Dad Hash Shenanigans podcast. You can go to mypillow.com and use code tfm. That’s for my parent company, the Fallible Man t fm. No, super complicated. Use code TFM and get up to [00:05:00] 80% off your order, plus free shipping on orders over $75 for our listeners.

And that’s not counting the specials they might be running right now because MyPillow is always running incredible specials. But you can use code TFM and always get up to 80% off your order with free shipping over $75 for our listeners. Now let’s get on with the show. Welcome to the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered Truth about being a dad.

Real dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent d Dave. My guest is Andy Coyle. Andy’s been on my other show to talk about parenting with neurodivergent children, and Andy is already sharing amazing stories. Guys, you’re in for a treat today. Andy. Welcome to the Dad Hat Shenanigans podcast.

Andy Coyle: Happy to be here. Thanks for inviting me.

D Brent Dowlen: Oh, it’s always fun for you guys who don’t know, you’re in for a treat. I love doing shows with people I know, like actually know Annie and I are friends and hang out. Our kids play together and so this is a real treat for me because [00:06:00] I’ve already heard some of the stories that are gonna come guys, and you guys are in for a treat as dads.

But first we have to have the dad hat. We all know I wear the stupidly bright red hat. Tell us a story about your hat.

Andy Coyle: Well, I’m actually wearing your hat today. My hat today. Yes. I’m wearing his, your hat today. The, for those of you who don’t know what I have on, is the telos hat from Brent’s, uh, last conference for Fallible Man, telos being the Greek word for purpose, specifically the purpose of both direction.

And it’s supposed to be the Greek word for a purpose of society, but it works for family as well. And it really resonated with me. Uh, when, during that conference, because it always reminds me of, uh, probably one of the most pivotal moments of my adult life. I, I chose my, my choice to be a family was to become a stepdad.

I joined an already made family unit with a 2-year-old, uh, talk about jumping, jumping in the deep end at 24. Um, and I. I had [00:07:00] graduated college and like 50% of Americans found that I was not able to get a degree, a job in the industry in which I had studied and, and I had kind of hit, I was hitting, I was at a, just making just enough money at a retail store to not really want to go start new someplace else that wasn’t making good money.

Mm-hmm. Uh. But I’d found out our financial situation was temporary. Where we were at, we were living together, and I remember one day looking around the house and going, crap, I’m gonna have to get a grownup job if I want to be an actual contributor and a part of this, not just a guy who’s here. You know, I, I did not wanna be the sitcom stepdad who’s just.

The guy who comes in and, and happens to live in the same house as the family. I wanted to, I wanted to be a part of the family, so it was my decision that if I’m, if I’m going to, you know, have the purpose and now knows the best way of [00:08:00] putting it, of, of. Being a part of that family is I needed to go out and find a, a, a job that’s gonna actually allow me to support the family, and that’s basically been my, my goal, my, my purpose to be the, the, the rock to support my family has been my purpose since then.

Excellent. How many kids? Four. With a very wide range. I have a 6-year-old boy and a 10-year-old girl, and a 14-year-old girl and a 17-year-old girl. The whole range of options

D Brent Dowlen: that, uh, that. I, it, it’s, it’s always fun, right? Because you get those parents who, like, you know, my girls are two and a half years apart, barely, right? Yeah. And you get those families where they’re all right there in a row and you’re like, woo. And it’s very different than a family where they’re spread out over a long range.

I mean. [00:09:00] Solution six, right? Yeah. Is what you said. Yep. And then your oldest is 17, going on 18 soon.

Andy Coyle: Yeah. That means my parenting role, despite having gone through an entire life, basically of a, of a young person to adulthood, I. Still has so many years to go.

I sometimes have to think about that and be like, wait, so he’s gonna be this many years until he is 18? I’ll be How old? Oh no. It’s like, it’s like when you wake up in the middle of the night and you can’t help but think, try to calculate how many more hours of sleep you, you can get. Yeah. It’s not good for you.

It’s actually really bad for your mentality and your sleep, but you can’t help but do it. So I try really hard not to do it, but Oh my gosh.

D Brent Dowlen: Oh yeah. And I, I do the math. I think all of us do, like with our kids at various times when, when you’re taking a deep breath as a dad and be like, okay, I’m not going to strangle my child.

Uh, and you’re like, how many, how many more years before they’re on [00:10:00] their own, how many more years? And then you have those other moments where you’re calculating the years like. I only got him this much longer. Yeah. Like it, it’s, it’s the high lows. You’re so

Andy Coyle: cute. And Well, and it’s, it’s definitely interesting for me because, because I have those, the different range there.

Mm-hmm. I can look at the one and go, wait, there’s only this many years until you’re like that. Oh crap.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah. Darn it, I stay cute longer. Don’t do this to me. Right. And you, you kind of. You’re like, you want ’em to grow up in the same and get out on their own and be successful. ’cause as a dad, really, that’s what you’re trying to achieve. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You’re, you’re trying to make yourself no longer necessary.

Andy Coyle: Right. The, one of the, uh, one of the only jobs in the world where your entire goal is to make yourself obsolete. Right. But you don’t actually want that in the end anyway. You’re very, you’re very irritated by that fact. Yeah. No, it’s,

D Brent Dowlen: it’s, you’re, you’re just moving to a new phase,

Andy Coyle: right? Yes. Right. It’s, I was about to say like, oh, we’re, we’re totally a part of the assembly line.

We’re a planned [00:11:00] obsolescence. Right. Not my favorite way description, but it’s really sadly accurate.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah. That, that’s, that’s essentially what it is, right? Mm-hmm. You want your kid to succeed on their own, and you wanna make sure they have everything they can to be successful on their own, but at the same time, you’re like, they’re not gonna need me anymore.

Right? And, and I, I kind of love that part, right? And I don’t love that part. And thank

Andy Coyle: you, daddy. You’re the greatest. Yes. Yes I am. Turn around. Alright dad, see you later. Yeah, I have very mixed feelings at the moment.

D Brent Dowlen: What’s the best part about being a dad?

Andy Coyle: Oh, there’s so many. Um, I, my favorite part of being a dad is when the kids, this is really selfish of me in this particular one.

Okay. So I, it’s not the one that most people would say, but actually my favorite part about being a dad is when my kids are absolutely sure that I’m gonna be able to do something for them. [00:12:00] Not like, oh, dad will do this for me. I mean, like. Oh, we need to figure this out. It’s okay. My dad will figure it out.

My dad, my dad will know how to do that. Or he’ll know how to figure it out. And the number of times that they, they do that sort of thing where they are talking to somebody else and they’re like, oh, dad can figure it out. Daddy has it now. Admittedly at the time, I’m like, really? I don’t have that hat. Okay.

I don’t know how to do that. I, uh. But I can’t just be like, well, your entire plans that you’ve been basing everything on, uh, go throw those away. I can’t do that. I have to figure it out. So I do. And then when they’re like, see, death, this is so great. Thank you so much for helping with this. It was wonderful.

I’m like, you’re welcome. That’s a, that, that’s a great moment for me and I really enjoy it when, when they do that, admittedly sometimes that since there’s four of them, for those of you don’t understand. Percentages matter. Your child will ask you to help them this many times out of this many, but when you have four,[00:13:00]

D Brent Dowlen: oh no.

That’s why we wear so many hats. Duh. My gosh. You know the magic thing, one of the magic things about Dads though is what you said. It’s like, now I gotta figure it out. Mm-hmm. Dads don’t ever respond with. No, I can’t do that.

Andy Coyle: It’s, it’s always, alright, lemme figure out how to do that. Um, let, let me, lemme see if I can figure that out.

D Brent Dowlen: I’ll, I’ll, I’ll make it work. We’ll get it, we’ll get it figured out. Right,

Andy Coyle: exactly.

D Brent Dowlen: And that still might include like, you know what, I need to call so and so and get their help on this.

Andy Coyle: Right. But they’ll

D Brent Dowlen: figure out how to make that work so they can work with Soandso to get it done.

Andy Coyle: I said, I didn’t say I’d do, I said I figure it out.

It doesn’t necessarily mean I’m gonna do it. I might have to ask somebody else do it, but we’ll get her done.

D Brent Dowlen: That, that is absolutely one of those bad things in the world to say is. Yeah. No, that’s, that’s, that’s fine. We’ll figure it out. We’ll, we’ll get there.

Andy Coyle: Right? It’s, it really is. That’s actually some, I didn’t even thought think of it that way.

D Brent Dowlen: Um, [00:14:00] you gotta get a dad joke. A dad joke. Yeah. A dad joke. Lots of dad jokes. I mean, a dad joke. It wouldn’t be a dad podcast without a dad joke.

Andy Coyle: How, how short of a joke do you want? I got puns, I got long jokes.

D Brent Dowlen: Well, puns, puns only really work in the minute, in the situation. Mm-hmm. So we gotta go with a longer joke.

Andy Coyle: Okay. Uh, some of you may have heard this joke, so, uh. How, how appropriate am I allowed to be? We wanna talk about booze, is that sound right?

D Brent Dowlen: No, that’s fine. That’s

Andy Coyle: okay. Um, I, I don’t know. Some, some places have weird rules. So, uh, so a guy visits unfiltered, right? The title? That’s right. It’s true. So a guy visits a, a city, he’s, he’s a rural guy, but he’s visiting a city for a job.

And he sees, he finds out that the, the, the coolest place in town is a bar that’s on top of like a super high skyscraper. He goes up to, he is like, okay, I’m gonna, I’m. I’m here for lunch, I’m gonna go do it. So he goes to this bar, it’s an amazing view. Ha has an open balcony all around the whole thing. And he’s sitting there and he’s having a good time, just kind of enjoying himself for his break.

And in walks this bum like [00:15:00] completely smelly everything. And he walks to the bum and he’s at the far end of the bar. Uh, bum walks up to the bar, bartender goes over, he slams it. The guy just slaps his hand on the counter. The bartender rolls his eyes mixes up this weird like fizzy drink, gives it to the guy, guy chugs.

It walks out the door to the balcony and the guy the. Main guy’s looking at him like, what the heck is going on here? Guy jumps off the railing and nobody pays attention. The guy’s sitting there like, what the hell? Oh, what? And he’s just kind of having a panic attack. About two minutes later, same bum walks back up at the, through the elevator guy’s having an existential crisis now.

Like, did I just have a stroke? What’s going on? Bum slams his hand down on the counter, bartender, roll his eyes and makes the same drink. Dude, chugs it jumps off the balcony again. Guy runs to the balcony, can’t find him anywhere. What in the w? He’s on his way to the bartender to ask him. WTF right? Bum walks back in a the third time and the guy’s like, what?

You? And, and the guy goes, oh no man. This bar makes a great drink. It’s like magic. You call, ask for the bubbly, the guy, [00:16:00] I’ll make it. You drunk it. Drink. You jump off the balcony and hold your breath and you float down to the bottom and the guy’s like, seriously. And the bum goes third time in here and the guy goes, okay, goes to the bartender.

I went, the bubbly. Are you sure? Yes. Gimme the bubbly. Alright. Mixes in the drink, guy chugs. It jumps out, the balcony falls to his death. The bartender turns to the bum and says, you’re. Ass when you’re drunk, Superman.

Oh my goodness.

Or you can go with the, uh, the more typical one of, you know, why does, uh, why, you know, why did the Scarecrow get as an award? He was outstanding in his field. Long and short, take your pick.

D Brent Dowlen: Uh, I’m not. Wow. Yeah. Well, folks, we asked for the dad jokes. We got the dad jokes. Andy, let’s talk about being dad. What do you wanna talk about today?

Andy Coyle: Uh, what I thought we could talk about was the [00:17:00] difficulty of being, uh, of a dad. When you have kids and they’re. Their interests and what they want to do, what they’re wanting to deal with, and the things that they want to be successful in and whatnot, and you’re trying to help them and you just don’t actually care about what they’re doing specifically.

Like let’s all be honest, the dance recital, or in my kid’s case, theater, music, choir, all those things. Don’t get me wrong, there is a level of entertainment. From them singing. Sometimes, depending on, you know, let’s just say some people have more talent than others. Uh, but like if your choice was that or something else and there were no repercussions, you’d choose something else, you know, or go to a professional thing, you know, it’s not like you want to go watch.

Insert age range here, singing [00:18:00] the recorders, the

D Brent Dowlen: recorders, stupid recorders. They need to band those from schools. I don’t understand those at all. Okay.

Andy Coyle: I was in band in high school. I have heard you want another, you want, you want to band joke? Sure. How do you get two Pickle A players to play in tune? Oh, shoot.

One.

D Brent Dowlen: Um, as a band person myself, I, I can understand that.

Andy Coyle: So with that joke in mind, I would still rather listen to the two piccolo players try to play in tune than a room full of six to 10 year olds playing the recorder.

D Brent Dowlen: Recorder. I’ve never understood the whole recorder thing in school. Like theoretically I still have

Andy Coyle: mine, theoretically.

Okay. As a white with a wife who is all about the music and the teaching of everything like that. Okay. So the, the, the philosophy is the recorder is the easiest instrument to get sound out of without screwing it up with the minimum amount of, uh. Practice necessary. Theoretically, in most people’s opinion, when you do screw it up, it sounds like a cat [00:19:00] trying to do live surgery on another cat, frankly.

But it’s just, anyway. Um. Back to the point was that, you know, we, you, you do all these things and the kids are like, oh, this is so great. You know, or you, your kids want to you to go to either their sporting event or they have some kind of project that they’re working on that they’re really excited about and you have to help them and you have to not let them know that you don’t actually care about the thing that you’re working on.

I mean, you’re invested, you know, as all guys know, there’s a difference between. Caring and investor in investiture when what you’re doing. I’m invested in working on this. We’re doing it great, but my actual level of give a darn is I. Well, that’s a really deep, well, it’s thinking through, I don’t actually know how deep that goes, but

D Brent Dowlen: Well, yeah.

You’re, you’re invested in your kids’ success. Exactly. You’re invested them.

Andy Coyle: You know, I’m super stoked doing things to make them happy. I’m stoked that they’re excited. I am happy that they’re helped when they’re, when they’re [00:20:00] completing it and they’re doing, or they’re doing it or they’re done with it and they’re like, this is so great.

I’m like, yeah. They’re gonna wanna keep talking about it. I wanna go back to doing what I was doing before I get interrupted by however long this process was that we’re doing this. Um, uh, a great example, uh, for like on a huge scale, it’s Cassie, uh, was, had started a theater group. She was running a really big, uh, musical and the kids were all in it.

They’re all excited about it. This is so fun and I. Back to that idea of, you know, those different hats. I need you to figure out how to get lighting for a theater. ’cause it wasn’t a real theater. It was an old, it was an old repurposed church. Um, and not just any church. One of those churches where they have a tiny stage and then they have like the jacuzzi dunk people in the back one.

Yeah. Yeah. Like that was the layout I had. I need you to figure out how to get lighting. How to set up lighting. How to run [00:21:00] lighting. I need you to make this into a pirate ship. I need you to u using the non-existent carpeting, carpeting, carpentry skills. You, you never, uh, had to make any effort in. Uh, you need to figure out how to level and extend the stage and turn it into a pirate deck.

Oh. Okay. Um, I’ll figure that out. Lemme figure that out. And I did it. Uh, I’m a computer nerd. Okay. I want that to be very clear. I am a computer nerd. I don’t like working outside. I have an uncle quietest man, one of the first nuclear submarine engineers that were ever in the Navy, and he said it best to his father and quoted it to me.

Father to him. Uh, don’t you need to learn how to change your oil? Yeah, but I’m never gonna do it. I’m gonna make enough money that I’m gonna pay everybody else to. Okay. Yeah. So that’s, that’s all, all manual labor. [00:22:00] Can I do manual labor? Yes, I can. Okay. I can do it. I don’t like to, I’m not like power, so it’s really great.

I’m like, oh, it’s a tool. That’s cool. It can kill you. Be careful, you know? And. So I, I’m doing all of this and the kids are all excited and everything, but like the entire time I’m going, this sucks. This sucks. You know, you know, I’m just, the whole time I’m like, you know, I’m pounding nails, I’m measuring things, and the kids are all like, oh, this is great.

This is so, thank you, dad. And I’m like, you’re welcome. This is so, you know, and, but at the same time, I’m, you know, wishing I was doing something else, frankly. But the kids, I’m ha every time I’m around them, I’m having to make sure that they, that they know I’m, I’m there supporting them and I’m behind them on all things.

And, you know, I would, I was actually just talking about an aspect of this with my 17-year-old, uh, well, Brent was over hanging out at my house and we were, I was having, I was having to explain to my oldest one, you have to understand Mikayla, that mo most of us. [00:23:00] Dads, you know, we don’t actually care about whatever it is that you’re wanting to do.

We’re happy to provide the money, provide the place, provide the time, provide the effort. Like it’s, it’s really weird when you describe it like this, like, I’m, I’m totally willing to help with the everything and be there. I. But in some aspect of it, you know, I, I guess the, I guess saying I don’t care is not really the right phrase.

Like, I care, but I am disinterested in the specifics. Right. I don’t like, I don’t dunno how you’d phrase that and not sound like a complete Jack Wang, because I feel like one when I say it

D Brent Dowlen: Well, and, and I think that’s the, the.

Andy Coyle: This is, this is why guys don’t talk about anything because there’s no good way to phrase it.

Our brain.

D Brent Dowlen: I, I, I think that’s really a better way to lean into it though, because you care about your children being happy. We all do. We want our kids to be happy. We want them to find hobbies, they love things they’re passionate about, and we want to support them. We want to equip them. It doesn’t mean we’re actually.

Interested in it. Yeah. [00:24:00] Right. I, I experienced this with my oldest daughter ’cause we, uh, we’ve been taking a break for a while, but we get up early in the morning, go on walks. Mm-hmm. One of my favorite things is I just enjoy talking to her while we’re out doing it. Mm-hmm. Well, she was introduced to anime from a cousin of hers Really is her first.

Uh. Wrote into that, right? Mm-hmm. And has totally fallen in love with a specific anime, and now she’s starting to bridge out to other animes as well. But can you name

Andy Coyle: which one it is?

D Brent Dowlen: Yes, it’s, uh, my hero. Academia. Yeah. Okay. See, I, I know I listened. I listened when she talk about it, but, uh. We were out talking, walking one day, right?

And we were, we were doing a fundraiser to raise money, uh, for stop social suicide. And so we’re out having to rack up x amount of miles a day to hit our monthly goal to raise funds. And she’s telling me about this, and we’re walking along, and I hadn’t said anything in a while. She’s like, I can stop talking about it.

I was like, no. [00:25:00] She’s like, well, I, I know you’re not really interested. No, no. But you love it. And I love listening to you talk about it. I don’t ever wanna sit down and watch it. I don’t actually, I’m not interested in that. However, I love that she loves it and is into it, and I, I would sit there and did for several miles for multiple days in a row, listening to her tell me every detail.

I don’t ever have to watch it. I know the whole story because I heard the whole thing. And it was interesting to hear her. Passionately talk about something because it was really her first big, like personal interest. Mm-hmm. Right? Her thing. Nothing else. Not an input from me or from anybody else. Like it was her thing.

Right. And so to listen to her, go on, on about it, like as a dad, I was totally excited to hear her passionately pouring into something and being that invested in it. I’m invested in listening to her and her being happy. I don’t ever wanna [00:26:00] watch it. I certainly am not gonna read the books and there are a lot of them.

Course there are. It’s Japanese, so it’s backwards. I don’t know if my brain could handle that, honestly. It’s

Andy Coyle: annoying. I’ve done it might

D Brent Dowlen: explode. But yeah, that’s, it’s not, you don’t care. It’s, you don’t share the interest and so you don’t need all the details. I remember this conversation with your daughter and she was talking about shoes or something.

And both of us just kind of paused as she was totally getting excited about these shoes, and you’re like, honey, they’re shoes. I don’t care. I’d be glad to get ’em for you if you need them. We’ll take care of that. I love the, oh, right, yeah. Okay.

Andy Coyle: Now it took me a second to give you an idea. That’s how many times have my daughters talked about shoes in our house?

So remember, theater? Those of you don’t know. People think, oh, theater, it’s the costumes, right? Theater shoes are almost worse than the costumes. Oh my God. But yeah, that’s what she was talking, she was talking about these different ones and they’re like, oh yeah. And they’re, they’re, this is why I like them so much for, I’m like, honey, I don’t give me the link so I can buy them.[00:27:00]

D Brent Dowlen: Right. I, I need, I need the details. I need. The link for what they, where they are, what size you need them in, what color you need them in. If there’s more than one option on the website.

Andy Coyle: Oh God. When you need them by. Yeah, my house. Get me these. Okay, cool. Five minutes later when I finally get around to it.

Which one? There’s like seven on here. The, the one I have highlighted there. There’s no highlight. Uh, and this one, five minutes later. Cool. All right. Let’s have other options. Can’t you just figure it out? No, I don’t even know what my shoe size is, let alone what any of yours are.

D Brent Dowlen: Well, you have four kids, so yeah, you have lots of shoe sizes to keep up with.

Right?

Andy Coyle: And they keep changing you think? You think that it’s hard figuring out what your shoes are. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then it’s the same problem that you know. Oh, all shoes, you, oh, it depends on the brand. It tells you which size they’re usually, it’s like within a range. Women’s shoes are so much worse.

There’s so much worse. Oh my God, there’s so much worse. And then you’re just like, oh no, I need these ones. No, this is too high [00:28:00] of a heel. No, this is too wide. This is too hard of a he of a, of a, of a base. This one, uh, has the wrong tread. Why does the tread matter? Brent? Why does it matter? I don’t understand.

And they tried to explain it to me. I was willing to listen. I’m a smart guy. I’m a person that always believes that if I understand what people are talking about, I can better assist them with what’s going on. I may not care deep down, but I, I, I accept the importance of information. Still don’t know, still don’t know.

Nobody could, they get different answers and, but they all agreed it was important.

D Brent Dowlen: Now if you guys are joining us, whatever platform you’re on, if you’re on the podcast, uh, you may not be on one where you can leave comments if you’re on YouTube or rumble. Dads sound off in the comment, what is, what is that thing that your kid is totally invested in?

And you’re like, sure, I’ll help you with that. But you’re, you don’t, you’re not interested in it. You’re interested in your kid being interested in it. Tell us what that thing [00:29:00] is. ’cause I get we’re gonna have such a crazy variety of answers for this. So, Andy, here, here’s the big

Andy Coyle: question actually. Do you know what’s an important distinction though, that should be made?

There’s a difference between being in, uh. Your child’s interest in it and enthusiasm because as when they’re young, it’s just enthusiasm. It’s not actual interest. Mm-hmm. Except for like some weird things. You know, all little boys know every dinosaur name. I don’t, I can’t say them, but my 6-year-old who has a speech problem can say dinosaur names, but I can’t,

D Brent Dowlen: my girl could

Andy Coyle: I, I have no Right.

Uh,

D Brent Dowlen: like every kid hits that phase.

Andy Coyle: Phase, but to, here’s an example and the difference there. Right. I’m a nerd. When I was a kid. Pokemon came out. I was super into Pokemon. I could name all the original 151 Pokemon. I knew the game out. When the card game came out, I started playing that I nerd. I know. Sorry.

Um, my 6-year-old is so into Pokemon. Do you have any idea how much I don’t care about Pokemon now. I thought I cared about Pokemon. I was wrong. [00:30:00] The 6-year-old cares about Pokemon. The 6-year-old cares about Pokemon. He’s, but he, I can tell that it’s just enthusiasm because he, he’s can, he can retain some of the information, so that’s why he’s enthused about it.

But it’s not really passion or, or real interest in it. Maybe it’ll turn into that when he is older, but right now it’s just they’re crazy, fun things and he can remember the names of them. And that’s it. There’s a difference between that, which I don’t want to hear about. That one turns into me like in one ear and out the other after a while.

Really? And then you like try to catch a word here. Oh, I can fly. You know? Oh, that sounds really powerful. Oh, okay. You know, that, that kind of thing. Um, versus, you know, when I hear. The 14 or the 17-year-old talking about something and they’re like having an actual discussion about why the whys of this and how this person feels, and I can’t believe this sort of thing happened.

That level of, of actual interest and passion behind it, that’s really fun to listen to. That’s fun because you, especially since you could like throw a bomb in there and watches their little brains [00:31:00] explode when you’re, when they’re like, oh, and the this, for those of you who don’t know, a big thing in anime.

Is that there’s always characters who are the cool one, and they’re so tragic and da da da da, and then all of the little girls love them for some inexplicable, it’s, it’s the person that you and, uh, you and I as, as American men would be like. So you push that person off a bridge, right? Because that person needs to stop like in all ways.

And, but it’s really funny when you, they. The creators try to have like realistic backstories for like why they turned this way. And then you, you’re, you know, the kids are all like, oh, this, that, and the other. And then you throw like a knowledge bomb. Like, well actually no normal people who behave that way this way.

So Jack, if he’s being, if he’s acting this way, that means that this is really how he’s thinking and acting. This is psychology, this is what he’s, and watches, they’re like, no, you are ruining my sauce game.

D Brent Dowlen: They’re all, they’re all team melodramas. This is what they are. God,

Andy Coyle: it’s,

D Brent Dowlen: it, it’s, it’s animated, but it’s all team melodramas.

So

Andy Coyle: badly too.

D Brent Dowlen: So [00:32:00] Andy, how do we travel this path as dads, right? Because, you know, our girls are at varying levels. How do we convey to our children we are invested in you? We’re interested in the fact that you are interested in it, that you’re excited about it, and that makes us excited about what you’re doing.

But I, how, how do we handle that? Because I, I know. We just had this discussion with your daughter two

Andy Coyle: ways. There’s two ways you can approach it, and I use both. There’s not, you don’t have to use just one. There’s two ways. There’s the, uh, you can go with stereotyping yourself, and I don’t know why this works so well with women in general, but especially it works with kids, but all women in general.

I have three daughters. Okay. Most of my opinions come from that direction. All right. Um, but you stereo yourself. You stereotype yourself as, okay, honey, you know, I don’t get it right. I’m superhero. I love that. I love that we’re doing this and this is great. Um, but I don’t get it. And most of the, I’ve literally, literally had my [00:33:00] 10-year-old.

It’s okay, daddy.

Thank you for trying and so I can really see

D Brent Dowlen: that.

Andy Coyle: Can’t you see it? Can’t you see it right? Um, so you, you do, you can stereotype yourself and that works. You can do it in different ways. You be, you know, you just stare at ’em with that blankly and be like, I don’t understand. And be like, but you know what?

It’s not important that I understand. It’s important that we’re doing this. And you give them that level of like, yeah, I don’t get it. But yeah, that, that is one option that I take. Uh, the other one I’ll do is I’ll explain it. I, it depends on their age, obviously, and for things like that, and I can’t wait to try to have this with conversation with a boy.

I’m not looking forward to it. Uh, but you, you sit down and be like, okay. I want you to understand that I’m totally down for helping you with this in any way you want, but I wanna make sure that we all understand here that when we’re done, [00:34:00] I’m not gonna be jumping up and down with joy. I’m super happy I helped you.

I’m super happy that we did this. I’m glad we spent time together. This was great. But this is your thing, not mine. All right. Alright. And the, and I, I found that one’s working, working really well is for the older ones, the, it is the worry that they, they might, I don’t want them to think that like dad doesn’t care and I try to make sure they know I care.

But on the flip side, I don’t, I I’ve never wanted to be a dad where like, oh yeah, my kid, my dad likes all, all of the stuff that I do and he’s totally in here, invested in this is great. And then, you know, the day turns around where something doesn’t happen and I’m like, yes. And they’re like, betrayal. Well, and like, so, okay.

A great example there of that. There was, um, there was an episode of that, the new Tim Allen, the newer Tim Allen. Oh, shifting gears. Yeah. No, no, not that one. The last one he did. Oh, last

D Brent Dowlen: man sanding.

Andy Coyle: That’s man standing. Yeah. There was an episode where the [00:35:00] middle daughter, uh, was the, she, she’s into really into sports and she’s, she, I guess they have their typical sports thing.

They had soccer games every weekend, the entire soccer season, and then they go into championships and everything like that. Right. So I guess the team lost one and the daughter caught the mom on the phone talking to somebody else. I’m like, yeah, the team lost it. So, you know, we’re gonna get a free weekend.

It’s amazing, you know. She’s all betrayed about it and everything. Like, I can’t believe my parents are, you know, so happy about my failure. And it, you have to go through the whole episode of the other daughters being like, mom and dad are there for everything all the time. You can’t tell me that. You’re like, there’s a, like there’s, because it’s a, it’s a point of view, it’s a perspective thing.

The kid only sees it from their, it’s exactly like I said earlier, percentage thing. The kids only seeing their percentage of stuff happening. That’s all they’re paying attention to and thinking about. It’s not, uh, the older they are, the more they’re seeing it for younger siblings, but especially if they’re just one sibling, maybe one older.

They’re just seeing everything that they’re dealing with, they’re doing, not the, I’m dealing with that much for you [00:36:00] and your sister, and your sister and your brother, and then there’s my wife, and then I’m supposed to somehow fit me in there too. You know, so don’t forget work. That’s part of me. I’m expected to fit my work in with me, you know, on any, my personal issues of going with it.

But, so, you know, that’s, it’s that, that’s one of the reasons I’ve always tried to be upfront and explain things to my kids. I always treat my kids just like they’re another person. I don’t, I don’t treat them like they’re kids other than, you know. Your choices are only kind of your own. That’s, that’s the closest I get to treating with my kids.

Mostly. I, I will explain things. I will, uh, give them the explanations with levels of appropriate in it. Appropriateness of course, sometimes I get yelled at. My choice is of what’s appropriate apparently is not always accurate. I knew about it that age. What’s their problem? You turned out,

D Brent Dowlen: oh, that’s Andy [00:37:00] unfiltered for for more in-depth explanation of. How that conversation just happened. Go, go watch our episode together, talking about neurodivergent children.

Andy Coyle: All right. Full disclosure, uh, I am not diagnosed officially, but I took the tests along with one of my daughters, and there are implications about myself that lead to the unofficial diagnosis If I might not be neuro neurotypical.

Oh, no.

D Brent Dowlen: Right though, the world’s gonna stop. Oh, guys, there are so many. Things in being a dad and we’re all trying to figure it out. Over the years of doing, being a podcaster, I’ve now talked to dads on four continents and it doesn’t matter where they’re at or what we’re talking about specifically, I have found that every dad, I.

Can talk about and [00:38:00] share and bond over being a dad because this is a crazy journey that we’re all trying to figure out. So I know you guys like there. There are people listening right now or watching this on whatever channel going, dude, I totally get what they’re talking about. That’s one of the great things you will not find other fathers who are just like.

No, no. We can all get together over being a dad’s, and it’s one of the great things, it’s the great brotherhood of being fathers mm-hmm. Is we’re all just going, um, right. You, you start looking at your own life. It’s like, did my dad understand this? Did my dad feel this way? There’s no like, no. Right. And you’re questioning like, did I do that?

Huh? Right. You start to look back at your own childhood and like, well. My parents were better people than I thought they were. ’cause they put up with my crap.

Andy Coyle: That’s the old joke that the joke, I don’t know if it’s really a joke, but it’s something that’s been [00:39:00] more common pointing out in social media, is you realize that there’s no such thing as a real adult.

There’s no there, there, no, there was a psychologist that came on, uh, I was watching a, a, an interview with, uh, that he was playing. He says, you know, yeah, there’s no such thing as a real adult. I put out a whole book about it because there’s, just, as you get older. You’ve learned to just have to figure it out, you know, and that’s for guys, it’s, that’s just our mentality.

So it’s easier for us in that regard, but there’s no, there’s no such thing as being a real adult. There’s just varying levels of I. Panic, I guess, you know, either you’ve, you have enough experience and mental and, and you know, mental fortitude to not panic when stuff happens and just figure it out and fix it or you don’t and stuff and, and stuff happens.

Like that’s, that’s how it works. Uh, it is just like we were talking, same conversation with my oldest. We were talking about that, you know, the, uh. People, uh, people, people like to talk about, oh, what’s the most important experiences that you can have as you get older and, and [00:40:00] that you should look for everything.

That, and I, and it’s really funny to me that nobody talks about what the most important one is, and that’s just the everyday having more and more every days. Just the same normal stuff that happens every day. It’ll be a little bit different because different things happen every day, but just the same stuff you deal with every day.

Because then when crazy stuff happens, you realize and recognize how little that matters. Nothing in life matters unless you make it matter. And so you know, I, my car just broke badly. Try to light him fire, it’s an understatement. While he was over for a visit, actually, he came over for dinner with his wife and we, uh, I was suddenly dealing with a car that, that doesn’t work anymore.

And it’s frustrating and annoying, but it’s not like I’m freaking out. It’s not the end of the world. And when I pointed out to my daughter, I was like, Hey, here’s, here’s everything that’s gonna have to go into. Getting a new car and what, how it’s gonna affect me until I get that new car. And then after I get the new car.

And as I was saying it, it looked [00:41:00] like she was about to have a panic attack. And, and I said, but you have to understand, I recognize the fact that in real life this is not actually that big of a deal. I mean, it is a big deal, but it’s not so big of a deal that I need it. My life can’t, can’t stop because that’s happening.

And the needing to, to understand that, to understand that all of the crazy stuff that goes on with us all the time as dads, especially because we’re expected to be the ones that hold everything up. The most important thing to remember is that I hate all those trite sayings. I hate them so much. I really do.

Because, because I hate them so much. Because as you get older, you recognize how true they are. And to me that makes me more angry

D Brent Dowlen: because they sound catch slogans, dude, just drive me nuts. Right.

Andy Coyle: But, you know, life goes on, you know, that’s a phrase. Time heals all wounds. It’s a phrase. And both of them I like, I want to take them and I want to just light ’em on fire in a dumpster because they’re, they feel so trite no matter how true they really are.[00:42:00]

D Brent Dowlen: And all the personal development stuff I do with my other show and yeah. And working with guys like, I hate. The, the Tony Robinsons of the world, not because I like, it’s no shit on Tony Robbins. Like he’s done a lot of, he’s helped a lot of people. I have respect for the man, but he is so good at like the catchphrase and, and like the cliche, say the sound cliche, but everybody can quote them.

Yeah, right.

Andy Coyle: Sound bites. The world has resolved in turn into just a series of sound bites. They drive

D Brent Dowlen: me insane. I absolutely hate those, but I also can’t argue with with them so often. So, yeah. Andy, final piece of wisdom you wanna share with dads, other dads out there. Oh, um, ambushed him with this one.

Sorry.

Andy Coyle: Honestly, it’s okay if you don’t give a damn. You just. Have to accept that it’s okay. You accept, just accept the fact that you’re gonna be, there’s gonna be [00:43:00] a lot of stuff as a dad that you really don’t want to do, but you have to. And you take a moment, take a breath, you put the smile on, and you go, all right, let’s do it.

You just, the important part is to focus on and how happy your kid is going to be after you’ve done the thing that you don’t wanna do. And if you think about that. It makes doing the thing just another thing that you’re doing. It’s no different than being assigned another task at work. No different than another chore that you realize that you’re gonna have to do, you sigh, you do it, and you’re happy that you got it done.

But with the kids especially, it, it’s okay to not, to not care. In the, in the sense that, you know, you really wish you didn’t have to do it, but just always remember that your kids are gonna love it and you never know when one of those things that you just grit your teeth and push through is gonna be one of your kids’ core memories.

You never know when they’re gonna look back and be like, yeah, I knew my dad. I, you don’t [00:44:00] realize how often kids see things, but that you don’t, you have no idea how many stories I’ve seen online of people being like, yeah, I knew my dad didn’t wanna do this thing for me that time I knew I, he didn’t know that I knew all this.

I’d heard about and talking about all this stuff he had to get done or whatnot, or he didn’t realize it and he still went ahead and helped me with that. And I, I’ll never forget it and the, the number of times that comes up. So it’s okay to be frustrated. All right. It’s okay to not to not wanna do all the stuff that you need to do, but always remember that your kids are going to love it, even if it takes them a number of years to remember it.

D Brent Dowlen: Fair enough guys. And. As dads, we wear a lot of hats. And one of those things is because we’re so busy doing often, we actually tend to struggle with connections sometimes to the people that matter most. And if you’re struggling with connecting with the people in your life in meaningful ways, message me directly on Instagram or go to my website, purpose driven men.com.

There’s a bubble down in the corner and you can send me a video message, an audio message, [00:45:00] or a text message, and let’s talk. My relationship tightens. Coaching program may be exactly what you meet need. It may not be, but let’s talk about what you need so you can connect more meaningful with the people that matter in your life and live the life you wanna live With that said, guys, thanks for joining us today on the Dad Hash Shena Ins podcast, a community of dads navigating life’s challenges.

Together for myself and Andy. Thanks for hanging out with us today. Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad life.