Becoming Dad Surprising Truths About Your New Role

[00:00:00] Finding out you’re gonna be a father for the first time is a joyful and terrifying experience all at once. Your brain immediately starts racing over all the things that you have to contend with, and it’s, it’s overloading, is your house big enough? Is your, is it safe enough? Do I need to fix things, change things, or what do I need to get?

Then you experience the horror of the thought. I don’t make enough money. You have that thought pretty much no matter what your income level is, guys, I’ve talked to men from every income bracket and I’ve never met a dad who went, oh yeah, yeah, I make enough. So your brain starts racing, trying to figure out all of those things.

And it can also happen in that instant where you’re hugging your wife after she just told you you’re gonna be a dad. It just boom, instant, instant overload and panic. Enjoy all the same time. No man is ready for the first [00:01:00] time they hear it, and believe it or not, you are gonna have some of the same, same thoughts the very next time you hear it if you have another child.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you start searching for data because you know that there are some things you need to figure out. Learn, prepare for before the doctor puts that purpleish, reddish baby in your arms for the first time. But what, because there’s a lot of overload of information out there.

Well, I got into discussion with 180 plus men in an open forum for new dads where they were sharing their concerns, looking for advice and help, and over and over again, I saw six, see if I can make the numbers right. Today I saw six of the same concerns. Crop up. Over and over again for all of the dads in this forum.

So that’s what we’re gonna talk about today on the podcast, as well as two that are absolutely critical for you to understand that aren’t often discussed. So new dads, dads, to be this one specifically for you because you’re [00:02:00] start wearing your dad hat. The moment you find out you’re gonna be a father, and right off the bat, gentlemen, number one is you are your wife’s advocate and protector.

Now, this is something that is not talked about among new dads very often because you just don’t understand what all is about to come your way. You see everyone and their dog is gonna have some opinion on what, how, when, and, and so on. For every, everything like it will be overwhelming at times. For everything involving every decision you and your wife make going forward, everybody complete strangers, even besides the people who are friends and family.

Everybody, I’m not exaggerating gentlemen, everybody’s gonna have an opinion on what you should do or how you should do it Are and it is going to absolutely be overwhelming. You are gonna be bombarded with a vice from the minute you tell people that you are expecting a child. [00:03:00] And it’s not just gonna be overwhelming for you and your wife, but it will be overwhelming to the point where your wife is gonna have, as she becomes more emotional with the pregnancy, have some real struggles because your mother.

Her mother, sister, every, like I said, everybody like I, I can’t, I didn’t write this out eloquently because that is not what you get in this situation. In this situation, you and your wife are gonna have to make decisions and everybody’s gonna think that their decision is right for you. And please hear me when I tell you.

They’re not, not everything you hear are advised on or suggested is going to be a good idea. Not everything’s gonna be right for you and your wife. And so the most important thing you need to know right up front is you are your wife’s advocate and protector. True story gents. I kicked [00:04:00] my mother-in-law out of the post-delivery room.

After the baby is born, you’ll be moved to a smaller room, more than likely if you’re at the hospital. And people will be able to come in and see the baby. My wife and I decided that she was going to nurse our children instead of bottle feeding, but our first daughter was premature and had difficulty doing this.

My mother-in-law came in and actually like tried to physically help my wife properly nurse, because the baby wasn’t latching on and then started telling the nurse to go prepare a bottle and all kinds of stuff. Like she was in charge and she was making these decisions. And it was against what my wife and I had Disci decided.

I finally told, because the nurse looked at me in a panic and I told the nurse, I said, forget about that. This is what we’re doing. And I looked at my mother-in-law and said, get out. I literally threw her out of the room [00:05:00] because my wife was exhausted from labor. My wife was tired and she’s trying to be a good mom, and she’s trying to do what we had planned to do.

And someone who loved us still came in and started trying to push their way around. You are your wife’s advocate and protector. You and your wife have to decide what’s gonna be right for you guys, what path you’re gonna take, what decisions you’re gonna make as far as the way you’re gonna do things. And she’s gonna be exhausted.

Your job is to protect her and stick to the plan, support her. Advocate for her and protect her with the plan that you guys decided was right for your family. And you’re gonna have to do this way more often than you realize, but that is your number one job as you become a new father, is as y’all make these decisions, your job is to protect your wife and advocate for your wife.

When she’s exhausted or when she’s overwhelmed. That’s that’s something they don’t tell [00:06:00] you guys that you need to know right off the bat. Now guys, I’ve got several more things to share with you from my experiences from other dads I’ve talked to and from this giant forum where all these men were asking these questions over and over again.

This will really help you. I’m not saying I’ve got all the right answers ’cause I know I just told you. Everybody’s gonna tell you what to do. I’m gonna throw out some answers for you guys. I want you to follow up on them and decide what’s right for you. There’s some things you need to know and think about that men commonly ask that will help you as you prepare for this amazing moment in your life.

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Welcome to the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered Truth about being a dad, real dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent Dallan, and today we’re having a special episode because normally if you’ve never been on the show before, this is an interview show where I talk to other [00:08:00] dads, but.

Some of you may know I have another podcast, and guys, one of the number one rated shows in almost 400 episodes I ever did was specifically for new dads. And since we talk about fatherhood here on the Dad Shena podcast, I wanted to go ahead and. Redo a variation of this episode because so many men on my other channel have found this really important and really useful, that it is still one of my number one down rated, downloaded shows, even though I did it like four years ago.

So these are five things or six things, whatever I put down in the beginning that you need to know from the time you hear you’re gonna be a father. ’cause that’s an amazing time. And there are so many things that are overwhelming, but I saw these questions come up over and over and over again among new dads and dads to be that.

I wanted to let you guys in on these secrets that apparently people don’t tell [00:09:00] expectant fathers. Also, full disclosure, I am fighting being really sick, so if I talk really fast today, guys, it is because I am sweating to death and running a fever while I’m trying to record this show. I really wanna get this show done for you guys because I think it is so important for new dads because there are things that I was not told when I became a father and things that every new father needs to hurt here.

So if I babble a little bit, I apologize in advance. This is a special edition of this episode of this show. We’ll be back to our normal shows probably next week, but I just really wanted to share this list with you guys because it is so important and dads apparently are just not told this. That has been my experience talking to other men.

So we already talked about the fact that you are the advocate and protector for your wife. And like I say, guys, that is such an important role for you and is something you were tailor made by God to fill this role. Like this is, this is exactly what you were made for, is to be the advocate and [00:10:00] protector.

But one of the things they don’t tell you when you become a new dad is one of the really important things you need to know is. Don’t let the new baby take priority over the marriage relationship. Now, right up front guys, let me tell you, initially I failed at this issue for the first few years of my kids’ life, and that’s why when I saw this question come up in the forum, or this, I should say, complaint come up in the forum, I felt so passionately about sharing it with you guys because this was one of my big shortcomings early on as a father, this was actually a way.

Bigger issue for me than it was even for my wife and how she felt about things. In a lot of relationship, the wife is actually more willing to focus on you guys than the guy is when you have a new baby. This seems to be especially true for moms that are home with the kids all the time. Men tend to worry about the mother not being with the kids.

More [00:11:00] than women do. Not always, but in general, we become hyper protective about who’s watching our offspring. And some moms get super attached and don’t ever wanna let anybody else take over. That’s often a short phase that happens with some obvious exceptions. Some moms do get abandonment issues, and that’s something you can help with it too, but.

This is something that actually really happens with dads, right? Because we’re often away from the house more than our wives are, and so we’re already away from the house, and so when we’re not, we like for work, we get hyper protective and it’s like, oh no, we need to be here. We need to be here. We need to be here.

I was so bad about finding babysitters to take our kids so that we could continue our marriage. This is really important because your marriage is the foundation of your children being raised successfully. So making sure that you don’t over [00:12:00] prioritize the baby and neglect your marital relationship is really important.

Now, let’s address the situation ’cause your role hasn’t changed. If you want to have dates, find a babysitter. You both trust and feel safe leaving with a child with. In fact, this is something you can do as a dad. To take this stress off your wife’s plate is to find a babysitter from, it could be some a friend’s kid that you trust that’s old enough and mature enough.

It could be a young person from the church you attend that you feel safe with. Finding a babysitter you both trust and feel safe leaving your child with is really important. Create the opportunity for her to focus on the marriage. That means you have to make sure she can relax and de-stress, like help with the housework, help cook, watch the kids so she can have hot food and showers.

’cause guys. Young mothers really struggle with ever getting a hot meal and having enough time to take a [00:13:00] shower and relax. Make sure to provide her some me time for her and be sure to help with the night shift duties so she can get a full reset. That was one of the better things I did in the early part of raising kids was I was pretty good about making sure I got up at night with the kids so my wife could get some sleep.

She will seek your marriage. If you are doing your part to help her and make that possible, that means you have to pull your share and help more to create those opportunities for her to be able to focus on y’all’s relationship besides just the kids, because a lot of moms don’t feel like they can, that they have the support.

Where they can still focus on the marriage and not the kids. So that means you gotta step up, dad, you are gonna have to prioritize your relationship first, or there’s no way that she will if you don’t make it a priority over even the child. [00:14:00] Which, like I said, it’s, I know that sounds weird to a new dad brain or to a dad who just found out you’re gonna be a dad.

You have to prioritize your relationship first. If your marriage is not healthy, if you are not taking care of your relationship with your wife, it is gonna make raising the kids so much harder, but there’s no way that she can prioritize it unless you are making sure that you’re prioriti prioritizing it as well.

Be willing to give up some of your you time to make her priority and give her her time. She will reward that subconsciously, guys, you have to enable it because she’s gonna be incredibly overwhelmed. A second issue that a lot of people struggle with is a loss of attraction from your spouse. This is something that can definitely happen, and focusing on the VI advice from the last point will help out a lot with that.

Your spouse, wife had just spent nine months biologically connected and growing a [00:15:00] child. She’s attached in ways that we can’t actually compare to. So go blunt, back to point number one. Alleviate all her fears and concerns that nap about not being with that child. If we’re taking, talking about a sexual loss of attention, then there’s gonna be a lot of variables to consider for healthy conventional birth.

If everything went absolutely swimmingly, no complications, no problems, no injuries. Then the bare minimal that a doctor will green light sex. Is six weeks after birth. That’s, that’s the absolute first time you can even visit that, and that’s as everything went perfectly. But there’s no set time and any complications of the pregnancy or the birth can extend that time.

If you love your spouse, don’t press the issue even after the doctor tells her it’s okay for that relationship to resume. There’s a lot of mental, emotional and physical changes happening all the time with her. [00:16:00] Lovingly assure her in a nonsexual way that you love her and are attracted to her, and that when she’s ready, you look forward to making her feel amazing in that way.

But don’t be a dick if you pressure your wife into having sex too soon. You put her in physical, emotional, and mental risk If you love her, man up. Be patient. You know how to get your own rocks off anyways. If you were six months out, and it’s still an issue. You need to have an open dialogue with her about the lack of physical, the physical part of your relationship, non-confrontational discretions, find out what’s holding her back.

It’s usually a fear that something will hurt or feel different, or that she just doesn’t find herself attractive anymore and is afraid you won’t either. There’s generally a lot of insecurity in that postpartum era of having a baby. About how her body has changed and how it looks now, and does he still love me?

So make sure that you are constantly [00:17:00] assuring her through non-sexual contact, through words of affirmation, through caring for her, the way you look at her, the way you talk to her, the way you stay close to her. Make sure that she is. Reminded that you find her amazing and attractive frequently. She’s exhausted all the time.

So go back to 0.1. It solves a whole lot of issues. Ask her if you can do more to help out, take on those roles and responsibilities that give her time to breathe and also take care of herself. And you’ll find out that physical relationship and that love relationship. Um. The loss of attention from your spouse is not as big of an issue.

If she doesn’t feel overwhelmed all the time, ask her if she’s struggling with a loss of libido that if she’s talked with her doctor about it. Hormones can get really screwy per post-pregnancy and [00:18:00] during pregnancy. She might actually need checked with it. Checked with her doctor. Uh, because it can really mess with her hormones.

But make sure she feels safe and cared for. Very loved talking to her with love and patience will solve a lot of your difficulties with your spouse. Women like to communicate even if you’re not really good at it. So make sure you’re speaking her love languages, and I’ve done entire episodes about that on my other podcast.

I’ll try and link some of those below guys, but this is a very common occurrence post-pregnancy and a lot of men deal with it very badly. So please research this advice I’m giving you guys. I promise it will help in this time of you feeling less loved and less attention because there’s just a lot going on that’s overwhelmed for her.

And if you are not. Addressing things in point number one with making sure you’re stepping up and taking care of things and helping out with things. Number two [00:19:00] is really gonna screw you up. Number three, figuring out where you fit. This is such a common question for new dads because your wife has carried this child for nine months and you don’t know quite how you fit, right?

Gentlemen, congratulations. You’re now in your element. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are designed for this moment in your life. Your job is to solve issues before there really even issues, but not necessarily the way you think. So your job is to provide for your family, not only financially, but possibly more importantly, emotionally, mentally, your spouse has never needed to feel more loved and supported than she does right now.

You’re both gonna be sleep deprived, exhausted. You’re gonna eat cold food, you’re gonna struggle to take showers and take care of yourself. Chores are gonna pile up. You’ll both be stressed out. Laundry and dinner will become a huge headache, but you’re both taking huge new steps. So experience it [00:20:00] together.

Help wherever you can so your spouse doesn’t feel like she’s taking on a loan. Be selfless, dial into her needs, make sure she has time to feel human, not just like a one stop gas station for the baby, because that is a huge issue. I know my wife was always exhausted. She was always tired. She rarely ever got warm food unless I made sure that I was on top of it.

1. Take the baby and let her eat. It was the only time she got warm food because if I was at work, she might make food, but it, it, yeah, it was always gonna be cold. One of the things I did that I would highly suggest for you gentlemen, is I handled bath time with my infant daughters. They took showers with me because our bathroom is cold, and being in a cold room in a warm tub is not a good combination.

The room wasn’t always warm enough to have them in a bath, so. My wife didn’t feel safe trying to hold and wash a [00:21:00] baby. FYI. They get stupid slippery when they’re soapy. Just put that in your head now, dad. ’cause that’s important. They get super slippery. A, a newborn with soap, hot potato if you aren’t careful and it ends badly if you aren’t.

So one of the things I did is I took care of showers and. One of the great things that gives you as a dad is it gives you some skin to skin time with the infant, which a lot of mothers get during breastfeeding. However, it’s hugely powerful for bonding for a father to do this with a child as well.

That’s not something dads are vised about very often, uh, during the process of pregnancy or by the doctors, they don’t think about that. They’re not thinking about you bonding with a child, but. Skin to skin time that she’s getting while she is [00:22:00] nursing the child is really important for you as well as a father to bond with the child.

And one of the ways you can do that is by handling bath time with your kids. Holding that child skin to skin contact creates a bond that you don’t get otherwise, and it helps your wife out a lot. Now don’t get me wrong, my wife was still involved. She would hand the child in after I got in the shower, and then she might go eat, or she might stay in there and talk to me, but I was taking care of the baby.

And then when it was time to get out, I would hand the baby out to her. It gave me skin to skin contact. It gave her break, let her relax a little bit. It was something off her plate, and it was a great bonding experience. There will not be a lack of opportunity for you to step up and step in. It might be taking direct care of the [00:23:00] child sometimes, or taking care of your spouse.

It might be taking care of chores so your wife doesn’t feel overwhelmed. But guys, this is your forte. A lot of men generally don’t know exactly where they fit in. This is your Cuda Gras, like you’ve got this dad, you were born for this as a male. Your problem solving brain is phenomenal for this time of life because your job is to alleviate problems before they happen.

That includes alleviating problems for the kids that have pro improves in pro. So what happens on a go script involves taking care of problems for parenting, whether you knew there were problems or not. Right. There is a lot of opportunity for you to step in and step up, and that is where you fit, is taking care of the woman you’ve always loved, that you’re now having a baby with, and helping her as she goes through this by taking some of the stress off her.

Being that protector [00:24:00] still and advocate and taking care of your child as much as possible is an exciting time for both of you. And. You will not regret spending that time taking care of your wife and taking care of your child. The fourth issue I saw all the time is guys seem to be really concerned about crying well.

Number four, guys, crying is, is part of life. Your baby’s gonna cry. Just embrace that truth. Now, wrap your mind around it. For a long time. This is the only way a baby can communicate, and this can be really stressful for parents. You may have heard parents identify cries before, like, that’s a hungry cry, or that’s a mad cry because that’s really the baby’s first language, but there’s a pain point because sometimes you just have to let them cry.

They’ll not always get what they want, and the world is huge and terrifying and overwhelming. Early [00:25:00] on, your child is being bombarded, but in all of their senses at a thousand times what you can normally imagine, okay? They’re gonna cry. Sometimes it doesn’t matter you. You fed them, you bathe them, their ink, clean clothes, they’re changed.

They have a clean diaper on you. You’ve done everything that they’ve told you to do. There will be times that your child just cries. Now, this is another thing that you need to know as a dad to be, you will get angry about them crying. Sometimes you are not a bad dad and your wife’s not a bad mom because you get a little angry because of the constant crying, especially if your baby is dealing with colic or something like that, where they cry even more.

It’s going to be stressful. It’s going to be frustrating, and you are a normal person to be [00:26:00] frustrated by this. It’s frustrating, it’s tiring, it’s anger inducing. Take some deep breaths. Remember, they don’t have another outlet or way to communicate and that there are times, no matter what you do, they’re going to continue to cry.

It is okay to put them down in their crib. And let them cry while you or your wife step away for five minutes. It’s okay. They’re not going to die. It will end sooner if you stay calm. But the best any honest dad can give you is it’s going to be frustrating. It’s going to make you irritated. It’s going to make you a little bit crazy.

It’s okay. That’s normal. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. It doesn’t make your wife a bad parent. It is frustrating. It is tiring. It is anger inducing and you will feel like you are not doing [00:27:00] what you’re supposed to, but you are. Take a breath, walk away for five minutes and let them cry in their cri.

Take some deep breaths and remember it will be over soon. On that number five is something that I was not told. That my wife and I found particularly, uh, frustrating was your social surgical is gonna change a lot. Your single friends will diminish because they don’t relate to your new life, and that’s not your fault.

It’s, it’s very overwhelming. It’s very frustrating. People who have been your friends for years will disappear because they don’t connect with you in this new life you now have because your life does change. [00:28:00] There’s a ton of things you’re gonna face as a new father, and you need to seek support for your spouse and your.

For your circle. And if you don’t have a good relationship with your dad or hers, or they’re both crap dads, find another connection. Join or build a community with men who have experience other fathers and father figures. Find new relationships. Uh, if you go to church, this is a great place to find that as well.

You might find DAG communities online, like here or on Facebook. You can connect with us there. Find other dads to connect with. But it is going to be very difficult emotionally for your wife specifically, and for you, because your social circle will shrink. It will change, it will be different. And you’re gonna be wondering what happens.

Guess what, guys? We had friends for years that were over here all the time after our first daughter was [00:29:00] born. Two of our single friends are still friends of ours. Now the other ones are acquaintances at best, or we never talk to them. But of all of our friends who were single who did not have children, only two of them are still actively part of our lives, 13 years later as my daughter’s 13 now.

So when that starts to change, it’ll be particularly difficult for your wife, uh, because those friends are an extension of her. But you need to know it’s gonna change and, and that’s okay. So find other new friends, make new connections, get involved in things like mops. Uh, a lot of churches put on a pro program called mops.

It’s called Mothers of Preschoolers, help you and your wife. And I know that can be difficult ’cause not all of us dads are really the social coordinator in our family. Right. Our wives often play that role. Find new circles of friends to connect with and it [00:30:00] will really help this time period and start doing it while your wife is pregnant.

Start making those new friendships with other parents who either have really young kids or are expecting as well, and it will really help a lot as you go into this new phase of life. It doesn’t mean you can’t keep those other friends, but remember. They’re gonna drift off a lot of ’em will Dr. Drift off.

And it’s just because they don’t know how to connect with you at this point in your life. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, your wife didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just kinda what happens now. Just it wouldn’t be a Dad hat shenanigans podcast if I didn’t tell a really bad dad joke. So why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin. Ah. Yep. It’s that bad guys. This is becoming a dad is gonna be so great for [00:31:00] you. You’re, it’s such an exciting time, and I know this has been kind of felt like a downer. This wasn’t meant to be a downer. This is meant to equip you with questions that a lot of new dads have.

They don’t necessarily feel comfortable asking out loud or they don’t understand how to solve on their own. I have seen these questions. These issues come up over and over and over again. Now, I covered five in this episode. I told you I was doing six and let me cover five and six for you. Number five, the number five issue that men were talking about in these forums was self-care.

Okay? Having time to take care of yourselves, because once the kid kicks in, guys, you’re gonna be exhausted and the first thing you’re gonna let go is taking care of yourself mentally and physically and emotionally. I know we don’t like to talk about that, but I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time on that [00:32:00] because you can go over to my podcasts episode, quality Over Quantity, the New Math of Fatherhood with Jason Lang.

We spent an entire episode talking about the importance of you maintaining that self-care as a young father. And Jason runs men’s group, uh, I’ve had him on my other show as well. We had a great conversation about how important it is to maintain that self-care, and that is a big question for a lot of dads.

So I’ll put a link for that show down as well. And if you have questions about self-care with a newborn or with little kids. You need to jump over to that. Episode number six was time management, because trust me, your schedule gets really full the minute you’re taking care of another life. So you can check out the episode from Chaos to Control Strategies from Maximizing Every Hour from our sister podcast, the Driven to Thrive broadcast for a video on being more productive and organized with your [00:33:00] time.

Which will help you manage that time that is now so precious and so, so small. Uh, and it will help you with that because that is another big frustration for young dads is, oh my goodness, I have so much to do. There’s so much, right? That chaos ensues. Or you’re just like, you don’t feel like you ever have enough time.

But I’ve done entire shows about that. So what’s gonna happen is. I will, whether you’re on YouTube or Rumble or wherever you’re joining us on, or if you’re on the podcast plus form listening to this audio, I’ll either put those other episodes here on the screen or here on the screen. I do that backwards every time or down in the show notes.

We’ll be linked to those episodes as well, so you can jump into those if those are concerns that you have. I just didn’t wanna deep dive into those since I’ve already done shows on those that will help you and where we could really talk about those in depth. [00:34:00] Gents, if you’re struggling with connecting with the people in your life in a meaningful way, then message me directly on Instagram or go to our website, purpose driven.com.

There’s a bubble where you can talk to me and message me there, or you can click free. Discover your call. We can talk about equipping you with the skills, the tools, and the know-how to connect deeply with the people in your life. And right now is an important time to recognize that as you’re becoming a new dad.

I hope these have helped you. Really, these are still some of the biggest concerns and frustrations that young dads have, not knowing the answers to these things. Go deeper on these things. If, if I’ve touched on something and you aren’t sure, like I said, don’t take my advice for it. There’s a lot to learn as a new dad.

These are just some really common issues that I see men run into when they become a father that I wanted to help you equip you with beforehand, so that you have that, those answers, or at least you know where to start looking. You know how [00:35:00] to put it into a phrase and a word. Because sometimes we have these frustrations and we don’t even know how to vocalize it.

We don’t know what’s, what that frustration is or what’s not feeling right? Guys, these are really common issues. So if you struggle with some of these, or if you’re already seeing some of these coming down the road, we all have seen these coming down the road in our journey of fatherhood. And as you join that journey in fatherhood, whether this is your first kid, your second kid, or your eighth kid.

There’s always a lot of questions because kids are unique and this is a community for that. So thanks for joining us today on the Dad Hasnas podcast. Community of Dads navigating life’s challenges together, you connect with us on Facebook, our Instagram, and other social media platforms. Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad [00:36:00] life.