Finding Strength Through Fatherhood with John Fela – A Real Talk on Autism, Advocacy, and Community

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] John, you, you’ve got kids. What is your funniest dad stories? ’cause all dads have great dad stories. What is your funniest dad story?

John Fela: Well, I, I have to say, I, I think this particular story is funny, although I probably didn’t think it was funny in the moment. And I, I think that’s probably something we can also all relate to.

Um, I, I have a son with a, a disability. He has severe autism, and, uh, when he was very young and, and I mean like six months young, we didn’t have a diagnosis. We didn’t really know if there was, uh, truly an issue or not, but he was very, we would use the word colicky. You know, meaning he was just a, a kid who cried a lot and was very hard to soothe.

And I remember that. It, it was, he was about six months old and, and my wife, his mom, who I’m, I’m divorced from now, but, um, you know, she went out with a friend, which, you know, totally fine. I had no problem with that. But what happened was it was a, a Saturday afternoon and it was just, you know, one of his [00:01:00] days, right?

He just would not stop crying. Now, on top of that, we also had, um, our, our own dog, our own family dog. We also had our own family cat. And we also had, um, my wife’s friend’s dog who decided to come over for a play date with our dog. So after trying to soothe my son, and, and literally by soothing, I mean, I’m, I’m holding him the whole time, right?

Because the second you put him down, he starts screaming. So I’m holding him the whole time, but as I’m holding him, I’m realizing it’s getting later in the day, I haven’t eaten anything and now I’m getting hangry. And on top of that, he’s crying. The dogs are barking to go outside and the cat’s crying ’cause the cat wants to go outside.

And up until that point, he wasn’t even an. But you know, he just kept crying. He wanted to be an outside cat, so I got so fed up, but at one point I said, you know what? Whatever, we’re all going outside. So I opened up the back door to the patio and we had a, uh, the house we lived in at the time, we had a big backyard and it backed up to [00:02:00] this little kind of prairie area and let the dogs out.

Let the cat out. Go have fun, go play. My son loved being outside anyway, and I’m like, I’m ordering a pizza. We’ll let the chips fall where they may, and, and needless to say, no one got hurt. Everybody was fine. Um, but you know, it’s, it’s one of those things where you just kind of throw your hands up in the air and say, you know, it, it’s not even worth it for me to get angry.

You know, because it, there, there’s just no point to that at all. I’m just gonna say whatever, and we’ll try to take care of everybody and take care of myself in the process, if at all possible. So.

D Brent Dowlen: Every dad knows the joy and excitement that comes with being a new dad. And we’re all just praying for healthy children that you know, they’re gonna have all their fingers and toes.

And we’re so stressed about that, right? That we’re just waiting because we wanna know that child is healthy. Well, when you’re child’s born, they’re a little thing, as long as they’re physically healthy, you don’t think anything about that. [00:03:00] But then what happens? When you realize that your child is not progressing or functioning the same way as every other child, what do you do as a father when you find out that the child you thought was perfectly healthy is a little different than your friend’s kids?

Are the other kids at the same age? Well, today we’re sitting down with John Fell. John Fell is an advocate for disabled children and for parents of disabled children because when John’s son, Chris was born, he thought everything was normal and okay. And then John came face to face with the fact that his child is non-verbal autistic.

As Chris started to grow up and then. There was even more because John had to find out what it’s like to be a parent of a kid who is neurodivergent without [00:04:00] any kind of support, because he felt alone because other dads, even his church group, didn’t understand his life as the parent of a neurodivergent child.

Therefore, John had to come face to face with all these changes on his own. But then he did something else. He decided to get proactive. John started building his own group of support. Other fathers who had other questions about fatherhood, who had other questions about being a dad, who, some of them with special needs kids, some of them with kids who had both mental and physical, and some of ’em whose kids were normal.

John didn’t sit by because he came to his lowest point, but then he realized. He could do something more about it and became the man he is today. We’re gonna jump to our sponsor real quick and we’ll be right back with John Fell father and [00:05:00] disability advocate. I sleep on MyPillow. I sleep on MyPillow GI Sheets.

We’re a MyPillow household. We have MyPillow products everywhere. I was sleeping on them last night. I was using them today. They’re in my cupboards. They’re in my. Linen closet, they’re on my bed. We love MyPillow and I absolutely would not recommend a company I don’t use. So we’re proud to have Mike Lid MyPillow as sponsors of the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast.

You can go to mypillow.com and use code tfm. That’s for my parent company, the fallible man, TFM. No, super complicated. Use code TFM and get up to 80% off your order, plus free shipping on orders over $75 for our listeners. And that’s not counting the specials they might be running right now because MyPillow is always running incredible specials.

But you can use code TFM and always get up to 80% off your order with free shipping over $75 For our listeners, now let’s get on with the show. [00:06:00] Welcome to the dad, hatch Nathans podcast, the unfiltered truth about being a dad. Real Dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent D, and today my special guest is John Fella.

John is an advocate for children with disabilities. And John, welcome to the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast.

John Fela: Absolutely. Thanks for having me. I think it’s gonna be a lot of fun.

D Brent Dowlen: Now, John, we are about the dad hats because all of us wear a lot of hats as dads. So you’re wearing a ball cap. What’s the story behind the ball cap?

John Fela: Okay, well, as you can see, my hat has a symbol here. It kind of looks like the old Superman symbol, and it does have an S in it, but it’s also got an F and that’s because this is the official ball cap of the Special Fathers Network. So Special Fathers Network is a national organization that’s. Special needs dads around the country.

It’s based here in Chicago where I live, and I’ve actually known the founder for several years and I’ve gotten to not only support the [00:07:00] organization on a number of levels and be a part of their events, um, but really just a lot of the outreach that we do. We do a lot of virtual outreach. We have, um, virtual support groups for dads in-person support groups for dads.

We have retreats. We have a big virtual conference actually that’s coming up in another week or so. So, um, this is a hat that I literally will wear. A lot of different places, uh, because, you know, again, it is just swag that’s promoting the organization, but it is very rare that you see dads organizations specifically, uh, organizations for dads of special needs that do provide that support and.

It’s not often that you see as many of these organizations, and it’s also less often that you really see, even with Dads of Disability, reaching out for the kind of support that they actually need. So I just love to wear it, promote it, you know, just speak about it all the time. Just, just as one way to get dads, uh, you know, some, some support and, and some connection with, with guys that understand their journey.

D Brent Dowlen: John, uh, is there a place you can perch that hat? Because, like I have, I have a good friend of [00:08:00] mine, uh, I think who would love, absolutely love that hat.

John Fela: Yeah. Uh, I believe you could just buy it on the website for the Special Needs Dad organization. Um, the actual name of the website is 21st. The number’s 21st, 21st century dads.org.

And, uh, you just go on there. Um, and I believe they, they have a shop where, you know, they, it’s not a lot of swag, but I think you can easily get the hats and, and, and things like that.

D Brent Dowlen: I’m gonna have to tell my friend Andy about that. He, uh, Andy is. On the autism scale. Three of his kid, two of his three, two of his four kids are, and one of ’em probably that isn’t diagnosed is, and his wife is too.

So they have a lot of laughs. Life’s very interesting. Uh, it’s, it’s a unique household if you don’t know already, because he’s a little off the wall every now and then on his own. But he will absolutely love that because that is. That is his kids. That is his life. And so he loves organizations that support [00:09:00] those things.

Now, John, you have a son who’s on the spectrum. Is your only child or do you have more?

John Fela: No, he is my only.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah. Okay. Well, John, tell us about you.

John Fela: Yeah. Absolutely. So well, uh, I, I always start out a, actually based on, you know, what you just mentioned, I, I identify as a father of a child with a disability, right?

My son Chris is 17. He’s autistic, non-verbal. Um, he currently is actually living, um, even though I said I’m, I’m from the Chicago area, he’s currently actually living in a residential facility in Wichita, Kansas. Now, that’s not a forever thing, it’s just so. Finish up high school, his public high school where he was attending, um, it, it, it just didn’t seem to be a fit anymore, and we had to make another choice, myself and his biological mom.

And so we just said, you know, let’s, let’s look at some options. And at first we thought those options would be a lot closer to home, but as it turns out, this one is just right. So he’ll, he’ll be there probably for about another year or [00:10:00] so. Um, but, you know, my, my story, it really revolves around kind of raising him, you know, um, I.

Often will comment on the way that my father raised me. My dad was kind of a very old school, blue collar, uh, kind of a guy. Um, you know, he would, he would talk a lot at you, but he really wasn’t fatherly in terms of, you know, kind of coaching you up or putting his arm around you kind of a thing. So I really saw a lot of things that I didn’t wanna be as a dad from him.

And then growing up and then, you know, certainly meeting my, my first wife, my son’s mom, you know, it was a little challenging at first, quite honestly, because I. I, I realized that I didn’t have a lot of the tools that I thought I needed to really be a husband and a father. Right. Again, things that I never got from my own father.

And I didn’t really have a lot of role models as well. I mean, you know, I certainly had friends, but a lot of them weren’t married yet. Or, or if they were, they didn’t have any kids. So there, there wasn’t a lot I could really lean into. And then when my son was born and he had the disability, um, I learned very quickly one that I was not [00:11:00] prepared for that.

And most parents, let’s face it also, was that. My role as, as a husband and a father, um, it, it, it was challenging for me to really define who I was and really what I did well. So as in the case with most families of disability, uh, usually the moms jump right in, take over. I. Manage the doctor’s appointments, manage the therapist, manage the insurance.

And, and my son’s mom absolutely did that and did a great job with that. And, and she still does to this day. But what I learned is that, you know, again, her being her type of, her, uh, type A personality and you know her really, you know, wanting and. Needing control of, of just all of those elements a little bit more.

Um, and I said, that’s fine. And she was okay with that. But, but then it kind of left me out, uh, a, a, a little bit on, on a ledge because I really didn’t know what my role was. Now, in a lot of families like ours, quite honestly, the, the man, the dad just leans into their [00:12:00] work and they lean into their work ’cause they understand their work, right?

And men are fixers. So if I can’t fix my son, if I don’t understand what this is. I will at least work really hard so that I can provide for our family and I can pay for all this stuff. That was never me. I was never a breadwinner. My wife always made more money than me. Now we were both teachers, so neither of us really made that money.

So it wasn’t like I could just write a blank check for anything. And, and so I, I had to figure out and, and again, going through a very hard season of life as well, um, where our, our marriage almost ended. Now again, we did wind up getting divorced late in, in later years, but I’m, I’m going back to when he was about four or five and, um.

We almost divorced and, you know, we, our, our marriage was hanging on by a thread. We really didn’t know what to do with him in terms of like a, a school placement or the right therapies for him. Um, and, and to be quite honest, I, I was on the verge of suicide and, and I’m very transparent about that. Um, you know, and, and again, we struggled in other areas as well and financially [00:13:00] especially.

So, um, was I.

Um, me intentionally trying to seek out men who were supportive, who understood me, because again, I had friends. They didn’t understand what I was going through. Um, you know, I, I often tell a story about we, we attended a a, a church at the time and, uh, there was a men’s group and, and a lot of these guys in the group were.

Maybe 20, 30 years older than me. And I remember sharing some of this with them, and, and all of them kind of looked at me with a, with a befuddled look and didn’t know what to say. And, and eventually the group leader, this, this one night I was sharing all this, said, well, you know, in the end it’s all gonna be okay.

And I’m thinking, well, yeah, I think it is gonna be okay, but that’s not what I need to hear right now. Right now I need support. So when, when you’re in real crisis, that’s the last thing you wanna tell someone because it minimizes it. But also, I, I was thinking you guys were gonna like, you know, put your arm around me and, and say, Hey man, what, what do you need?[00:14:00]

Right? And, and so I, I had to find that intentional community. I. Those relationships. Um, and, and also to really build myself up as well and realize that my value was not tied to my pocketbook. My value was tied to my, my presence as a father and how I was showing up in my son’s life. And, you know, just all, all of the ways that I could be the man that, again, I didn’t see my father being to me, but I knew I wanted to be for my son.

And that was a process and that took time. And then after I kind of developed a lot of those skills and kind of built that community relationships, then I realized it was time for me to give back. And that’s when I got, got into my advocacy work. And then, you know, really, I, I kind of jokingly refer to myself as the Swiss Army Knife Disability Advocacy, because I do a little bit of everything.

You know, I have a day job that actually deals with disability. I have a not day job or day jobs that deal with disability. I it my world. Um. But, but you know, if I have a heart for it, it’s that not only do I have a heart for families [00:15:00] that go through what I go through, I specifically have a heart for guys and, and dads that are trying to work through.

Again, I, I think in many ways what I had to go through in the beginning, which was figuring out who I even was to begin with, what was my true value and how did I wanna show up for my song?

D Brent Dowlen: John, there, there’s so much in there to dig into. Um, just, just in hindsight, you say your son Chris, right? Yeah. Chris is 17.

In hindsight, you’ve come through a lot, um, and there’s still a lot more going forward. My, my niece is, I’m dating myself now. My oldest niece is 30 years old. Uh, she lives in government assisted housing that my brother pays for. She is autistic. She is within a quick drive of his house and she’ll never truly be on her own.

She has learned to do life as functionally as she can [00:16:00] and does pretty good most days. But you know, she’s 30 years old. My brother is still on the phone with her every single day, checking in on her, taking care of things for her. But at this point, right, with 17 years looking back. Even in a difficult situation, right?

Because there are a lot of men I know when my daughters were born, right? Because I do have some autism in my family. You know, I’m, I’m asking those questions before my daughters were even born. It’s like, uh, are they, are they going to be fully, and I don’t wanna use the term normal. Uh, that’s, that’s a, that’s the wrong word.

Um, are they going to be. What’s the right word? Neurotypical or neurodivergent, right in the way they are. ’cause we didn’t catch it with my oldest niece. She was six or eight before we actually understood what was happening with her. Um, [00:17:00] in hindsight, what has been the best part about being a dad?

John Fela: Well, um.

You know, I, I actually start out by saying that me being a parent to a child like my son. Has absolutely made me a better person, but more specifically, it’s made me a kinder person and it’s made me a person that is way more empathetic to the, the situation of others, disability related or not, right? I, I see the world through kinder eyes, but there’s a reason for that.

And you kind of touched on it a a little bit right there. Um, because when I think about my son and, and this, this is something that I share all the time when I speak to groups or do these interviews, things like that, you know, my, my son is an only child, but, but so am I. His bio mom is now, I’m, I’m remarried now, and so he has a stepmom.

Um, you know, but, but regardless of any of that, normally with our families, um, it’s [00:18:00] usually a sibling or siblings that will step up when mom and dad no longer can care for someone, because at some point somebody’s gonna be caring for mom and dad. Right? And, and so in, in our case, we don’t have that. We’re a family of onlys, essentially.

So most of the people at some point in his life are just gonna go away. They just won’t physically be here anymore. And when I, when I talk, I talk to groups and, and actually my, my day job and, and I’m, I’m repping Special Fathers Network here. I’m also repping my day job, which is Johnny and Friends. We’re a, we’re a global disability organization, but, but my job specifically is to work actually with churches.

Believe it or not, I work with churches of any size or denomination. And I train them on disability awareness and I train them on supporting people of disabilities regardless of the age or condition, um, in their own communities and in their congregations. Right? And, and one of the things that I frequently say is, Hey, listen, someday when my son is 50, 60, 70, however long he lives, and, and I, I hope he lives are.[00:19:00]

Without those people that he knew growing up, that were taking care of him, who’s gonna be his community, who are gonna be the people that just say, happy birthday, give him a hug. Merry Christmas, whatever. Where will they come from? And that, and that’s where I frequently will, will say to a lot of these, these church, these church groups or staffs or whatever I talk to that, Hey, you have an obligation and an opportunity.

To serve folks like my family because we need that. In the same way you would go to an elderly person who, you know, maybe they don’t have any family around, and maybe they’re in hospice or you know, maybe they’re at the end of their life. Or even someone who’s terminal with cancer that might be in their thirties.

You know, they need community, right. And in my son’s case is just gonna need that community maybe a lot more over the years, uh, and maybe sooner. Um, but again, my biggest fear is leaving this. And not having it be a [00:20:00] good enough place for him in that feeling. Will the world be kind enough to him? Will the world be understanding and accepting of him?

If I’m not there to protect him or mom or whoever, will the world be kind enough to him? That is an, that is my gut visceral fear. Um, there’s a lot of other fears, but if you really wanna go down to the core of it, that that’s probably the.

D Brent Dowlen: So the best part about being a dad has made you more aware?

John Fela: I, I would say more aware.

Um, but, but I would al also emphasize that, that kinder and more empathetic piece because I, I, I know the way that I want the world to treat my own son, and therefore that’s what I try to give back to the world.

D Brent Dowlen: Okay.

John Fela: That makes sense.

D Brent Dowlen: Now, you said that when your son was born and. Y’all were first understanding what was going on that you went to your church?

Uh, I, I go to church fairly regularly in [00:21:00] men’s groups, and ironically, I’ve been to several parenting classes. My wife and I tried to go to marriage enrichment classes or parenting classes every year. Just we’ve been married for 24 years and we intentionally put effort into that every single year, making sure we’re going to retreats or to classes or whatever to.

Make sure we’re still putting into both our marriage and being parents. And I’ve been in several parenting groups where like we were the old parents. It, it was really kind of funny to me ’cause we had all these very young parents who, like, their kids are all a year or younger or two or three younger and they’re, they’re so.

Appalled when I say things like, yeah, there are days I don’t like my children. Right. Uh, because they haven’t hit that point where they’ve experiencing that. And you’re going in with a very unique case to these men who have been parents longer than you and they’re not [00:22:00] able to connect with you at all. So how do you, I mean, obviously you can find certain organizations, but how do you.

Pull community towards you to get through those moments.

John Fela: Yeah. And, and that is also something that, that I speak to, to a lot of groups and, and conferences and things like that. Because, you know what, what I say is that you, you, you need community, first of all. You have to have community on some level. Um, but, but there are a few ways you can go about that.

So in my case, for example, um, you know, I, I will tell you that the easiest thing we did find a different church, right? And reasons.

When we found a better church that supported our family, loved on our family, and really wanted to serve us, and I connected with guys there, it was a totally different experience, right? So there there are natural easy communities one can slide into. Now, you know, again, you know. Some, some places may not work for you, especially when [00:23:00] disability is involved, unfortunately.

Um, and, and for someone who’s listening to this and maybe is not a Christian or religious or whatever, and, and that’s fine, I get it. Um, but then you, you wanna think about, you know, doing things small and easy at least to start. So one example of that too was. Um, when we, when we kind of got out of that, that crisis season, which this is about 15 years ago, uh, we moved to a, to a new part of Chicago and got my son into a different school district and things like that, and I, I just started a dad’s beat up for guys.

With the, with the dads that, you know, went, went to school with my son, you know, with, with those families. You know. And the funny thing about it though is I, um, I, I started it and, and the first time I did it, you know, we actually met at a local sports bar. It was right down the street. And uh, and it was great.

And you know, we had a decent turnout, maybe 10 guys. And I’m like, that’s great. Well try it again. A month later, I got two guys a month after that, I got one. Now I felt defeated. But it was, [00:24:00] but it was something that I was willing to try and I was willing to also try it again. So a few years later I got connected in a Facebook group for special needs dads in the Chicago area.

And there was a guy who lived near to where I lived and said, Hey, I’d love to start an in-person group. I said, great, let’s try that again. So I did it with him and we got it going. Same location.

And, um, and he didn’t live far either, but, um, you know, we got guys from the surrounding areas, you know, they, they certainly weren’t all from, you know, where I lived at the time. Um, and, and to be fair, that group still exists to this day, and we still have guys that come regularly, even seven, eight years later now.

That’s one example, but, but I, I share that example because for me it was small steps, intentional steps, you know, start with what you know. Right. Start with the folks in your own neighborhood, your own community. And here’s what I also encourage people to do. If you can’t find community, then make it right.

Which, which again, you know, people are [00:25:00] already a little timid about going out and, and especially guys, especially guys being in a group with folks they don’t know. And I’m sharing my life story and I don’t wanna expose this, you know, I feel guilty and. You get, you gotta set that aside. And so one of the things that I’ve learned too, especially with working with guys is, um, you know, they, they process differently than women, right?

They’re, they’re just not gonna give up the farm if you just say, Hey, tell us about you buddy. Um, so, you know, a lot of times what I’ll do is I’ll get like, guest speakers, you know, ’cause that kind of breaks the ice and the tension a little bit. Um, you know, and. Just try to ask like really intentional questions, not too probing, but you know, instead of just saying, well, how you doing?

Because most guys don’t respond to that. You know, you really have to, you know, try, try to pull it, you know, kind of thing. But again, in a respectful way. But, but that’s what I encourage people to do, and then in my case too. I also leaned into, you know, what I thought were some of my gifts and talents. So one thing I’ll share is, [00:26:00] um, several years ago I got into blog writing, right?

And I’ve, and I’ve been a blog writer for a couple of different organizations for several years. Um, I never thought I wanted to do it. I never thought I’d even be good at it, but I tried it because someone recommended it to me and.

You know, one of the reasons why I’m able to do all of these kind of interviews is because for several years now, I’ve been putting my story out there, both in writing and on podcasts and on video. So for me, it’s no big deal to share because it’s become comfortable to me. But it was also about me leaning into something that I, I perceived as a possible gift or talent and saying, okay, how can you use that as a tool, first of all, to give back and share your story to people that might want it.

I also benefit because I get resources from people and organizations that I come across. And the best part, the best part, really, the real fruit of all this are the friendships, right? I have made some legitimately very special [00:27:00] friendships with special needs parents, or specifically guys. You know, men that really have, have really inspired me, you know, and motivated me and guys that sometimes I kind of scratch my head and say, you know, I can’t believe I even know this guy, but okay, sure, why not?

Um, because again, when, when you find that you’re on this journey too. And I, I’m even gonna go so far as to say that, um, you know, I, not that I know a million celebrities or anything, but there are a couple of guys I’ve met that at, at least at, at, I would at least consider a local celebrity. You know, for example, you know when, when you sit down with these guys and find out that they’re just regular people.

And, and they struggle too, and they’ve got family stuff too, and, and they’ve got doubts and fears like all of us. You know, that that means so much in terms of that relationship piece, right? So yes, community with a big C is great, but don’t forget the community with small C. So you know, even if you’re starting out small, you’re still building into relationships that might last you the [00:28:00] rest of your life.

And you also never know what could become of those as well. So, um, start out small, be intentional. You know, le lean into your gifts and talents if at all possible. Um, but you need community. You absolutely need community. You need people. There’s no question

D Brent Dowlen: we were saying before the show started rolling.

Before we started recording officially. You know, it’s, it’s one of the reasons I started this show, uh, after years of podcasting. The other show is I’ve talked to dads on multiple content continents. We’ll see if I can say that right? Continents instead of contents, uh, and. It doesn’t matter who I’m interviewing, where dads can always connect about being dads It, it is like this builtin God-given group.

Men who are fathers can talk about being fathers and connect. It doesn’t matter what your background is, where you’re from. If you have one kid, if you have 10 kids, dads can talk about being dads and connect over that, and it’s this [00:29:00] like amazingly powerful resource. A lot of men don’t actually get into, I’ve met a lot of men who just, they, they don’t understand.

No. Their kid is not the only one eating the glue or biting the dog. Their kid is not the only one that you scratch your head and go really? Every now and then, right? There’s this great big tribe of dads in the world. Then you can bring that down. Like you said, bigger community, smaller community. Whether you connect with somebody at church or maybe like my wife was a Girl Scout leader.

You know who I got along with, the other dads who got drug along to very kids in the car or helped sell cookies or watch the girls while they sold cookies. Right. One of, one of the dads we had never met before. He had just moved to the country. Nicest dude in the world. We totally got along and he was just totally great to visit with.[00:30:00]

And it doesn’t matter that he was from South Africa and I’m from the us we had no problem talking about our daughters. It was super easy. So for all the guys listening, there’s community out there for you. Like there’s, there is so much community out there for you. Now you, you like to use the term Swiss Army Knife of Disability Advocacy.

Advocacy. You already said it once. I’d really love for you to expand on that a little bit.

John Fela: Yeah. So, um, and, and, and to be honest, this is just it. As weird of kind of a visual that is, that’s just the best way I can put it. So as I, as I kind of shared, um, you know, I, I, I, I think being a parent of disability, everyone is just kind of a natural advocate on some level, right?

Because what you find is, and even for typical parents too, most of the best resources you get for your kids come from other parents. Let’s face it, you know, you get a recommendation or you know, Hey, can you tell me about, you know, this doctor? This school or whatever it is, right? And, and so there’s a lot of that naturally [00:31:00] there.

But what I found was, as I kind of leaned into, as I mentioned, you know, some, some of this writing and, and speaking piece, you know, I, I found that I, I can speak first of all to families on a couple of levels. I can certainly speak to being the parent of a child with disability. More specifically, I can speak to being a, a father of a child with a disability.

Uh, I was previously divorced, so I could certainly speak to being a single father of disability, which there’s a whole lot of fun there, lemme tell you. Um, and, and I, I, I can also speak to again, this, this experience of working, um, you know, even with inside, uh, church walls and, and church organizations and helping to bring that, that message there as well.

And a lot of the organizations I I work with do, do kind of have a, a church focus. You know, but, but the idea here is that people, there, there is a need to make sure that people are connected with community. I.

What I always try to do is say, okay, if you come to me with a question or you’re looking for a resource or something, [00:32:00] you know what? I, I may have an answer for you. I may not, but you know what? I guarantee that I can connect you with someone, because again, going back to that, the, the byproduct of all that community building and, and really building into a lot of the work that I’ve been doing are.

Those human connections and those friendships. So, you know, for example, I was at a big, there’s a, a huge disability conference. Um, they just had it in, in the DC area. Um, just this week I just came back from there. Um, it, it’s run by an organization called Key Ministry, which is outta Cleveland. But um, the conference has gotten so big, they just move it to different areas now in the country.

So.

Folks that either work in churches or church leaders or pastors to kind of get an idea of, of what disability is all about. But, you know, I remember going to these things, you know, seven, eight years ago when I first started speaking. And, you know, there, there was always a, a decent turnout, but it wasn’t huge.

Now you’ve got eight, 900 people and you know, you, you can bear, you [00:33:00] barely have time to, you know, talk to everybody. But what I love about events like that and, and about what I’ve built in terms of community with a big c. As I go to these events now and all of these speakers and all of these authors and all these podcasters and all these people that are doing all of this stuff, I can count ’em as friends, right.

And you know, I’ve been out to dinner with ’em or lunch or whatever hung out. Um, one, one year, me and, and. A couple other guys went and watched the NFL draft of the sports bar. I mean, you know, it doesn’t get better than that. So, um, you know, I, I can count on these folks and say, Hey, you know what? I got a question or I need something.

Or, you know, someone I, I talked to is looking for this, right? And, and the idea here is that, you know, you’re, you’re connected with these folks. You may not see them much physically in person during the year, but they’re always there virtually. And I can always reach out to them. And, you know, I’m even putting together a big, um, I’m, I’m helping to put together a big event actually in the Chicago area, a very similar kind of an event.

Um, a disability related, um, conference and event for churches and church [00:34:00] leaders. And I’m inviting all these folks from around the country to come, but I can do that again because of the relationships I’ve made, because they know me and not opportunity to speak somewhere, but it. The person that’s helping to put it together.

So, you know me, see that as, um. Always wanting to have something in, in my tool belt or toolbox or whatever analogy you wanna use to, to offer to someone and say, okay, listen, I may have something for you. If I don’t, I can find something. Right? Or I can connect you with someone. Right. So I’m, I’m more than happy to answer questions.

You know, there are certainly people that are way more experts in certain aspects of this than I’m you

power of. When people need something that I can provide to them, that, again, is gonna make their life better.

D Brent Dowlen: Do you, are you a movie guy? Do you like movies?

John Fela: Uh, I’m, I’m a, I’m a decent movie guy. I can hang Sure. Yeah.

D Brent Dowlen: Mm-hmm. [00:35:00] There, there’s a movie called Two Guns. I had Denzel Washington in it and, uh, mark Marky.

Mark Mark Wahlberg. That’s the name.

John Fela: Mm-hmm. See that one? What was the name of that again? Two Guns. Okay. I, I know the movie, but I don’t think I’ve seen it.

D Brent Dowlen: At one point there he is one of ’em undercover and, and the drug Lord they’re talking to is calls him. I know a guy, Bobby, because his answer is always is like, Bobby, I need one of these.

I know a guy. Right? There’s a lot of value in being somebody who has connections and knows people, right? Knowing what you can offer people and knowing, Hey. I can’t help you with this, but I know a guy, right? That’s huge. That is such a valuable asset. People, people miss in networking. Like I’m, I’m, I’m horribly bad at networking, like big networking events.

I, I do conferences fine, but I don’t [00:36:00] like big networking events. I’m like, Ooh, I gotta go meet people. But there’s so much value in knowing somebody and being able to connect other people and be like, Hey. I can’t, but I know a guy who can help you with that. So that’s, that’s an incredible thing, uh, gift that you have as you’ve made these connections inside your community and a bigger community around that.

If somebody wanted to connect with you, John, where’s the best place to connect with you?

John Fela: Yeah. And, and so I, I kind of make a joke about the Swiss Army knife thing, and, and I also make a joke about, if you wanna find me, just plug my name into the inner web or the Google machine, whatever you wanna call it, because I’m, I’m all over that.

Now. I, I will highlight though, and I always give this disclaimer that, um, while my name is Fella, FELA, uh, in my previous marriage, I had a d.

Same fella, but with a Geller, [00:37:00] G-E-L-L-E-R at the end. So if you search me online and you see Fella Geller, just know I’m the same guy. I’m the same guy, just slightly different name. Um, but, uh, so a lot, I have a lot of content in the old name, but you know, it’s all kind of connected, so, so you can just search for me.

Um, I do have a website. It’s john feller.com. Just my name. Do.

I, I’m always kind of coming out with something new and my friend who’s my webmaster can’t always keep up. So, but, but a lot of it’s on there and that’s why I say otherwise punch me in the Google machine. But you can connect with me on Facebook. I have a page on Facebook. I have a, a, you know, my regular profile page as well as a, a blog page.

John’s special needs blog. John. Special needs blog on Facebook. I’m on Instagram, John Instagram. Um, I’m.

Put my name and you’ll, you’ll find me.

D Brent Dowlen: And guys, of course, we’re gonna have all of John’s contact information, both on the dedicated webpage and the YouTube video and the rumble video. Wherever you’re catching [00:38:00] This episode of the Dad Hash podcast, we’re gonna make sure that you can connect with John now, John.

Gentlemen, if you’re struggling with connecting with people in your life in a meaningful way, then message me directly. You, you can DM me on Instagram or Twitter. Uh, my Facebook is kind of flooded, so don’t DM me there. Or you can go to my website, purpose driven men.com. There’s a bubble down in the corner where you can literally send me a text message, a video message, or an audio message, and let’s talk about how you can become a relationship Titan.

If we, if our, if our listeners heard nothing else today outta this whole conversation, what do you want the dads listening today? What is the most important takeaway you want them to hear?

John Fela: So when, when people ask me for advice, like what, what, what’s your big life advice? Um. Now I, I, I was a teacher. I was a teacher for years before I got into this.

And so I, I think with a teacher brain sometimes, so I, I say my best advice is, [00:39:00] uh, it’s a number one little, a number one, little B, right? Number one little a, for me at least, is my faith. I’m nothing without my Christian faith. That is the foundation of everything I have. And, and I realized that there are people, again listening to this that might be, might not be people of faith or Christian, and again, that’s fine.

Um, tell you for me, has meant. That number one little b. It’s community. And you absolutely cannot do this without community. You need community. If you don’t have people, go get you. Some people, and again, especially as a guy, it is so hard to, you know, really reach out. And, and as you, and as you, you spoke to it, you know, there, there were so many opportunities out there to connect.

And when you’re dealing with, especially, you know, there there’s gonna be grief, there’s gonna be, there’s gonna be, uh. Start small. This is a great organization to connect with. Why? Because they have virtual groups, but they also have a mentoring program. You don’t wanna be with 10 guys. Fine. You can get connected with [00:40:00] one start with one.

You can start with one. They connected with somebody in your area, maybe somebody’s same age condition as your child. No problem. They have whole algorithm thing. Um, but, but start small. At least get one. Don’t do it alone because you can’t. And, and as I found out and almost got to the end of my rope, I, I realized what I didn’t have and what I needed and that’s why I ran so hard to go find it and go make it in all of those things.

But absolutely don’t do this alone. And if you need help getting connected can always reach out to me again. I’m always happy to talk.

D Brent Dowlen: And gentlemen, thanks for joining us today on the Dad Hash name podcast. We’re a community of dads navigating life’s challenges together. Until next time, laugh, learn, and live the dad life.

We’ll see you on the next one.