From Helicopter to Mentor Evolving Your Parenting Approach

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] As parents, most of us are really focused on the years from birth to graduation, right? Those 18 years are super critical. We see them as the years that we have the most influence on our kids and when it really matters that we show up and maybe we start worrying about how to pay for college or something in that process.

But those first 18 years seem to be the focus of parenting. But what about the years after that? What about after 18 and, and when they’re on their own in college or maybe starting their own lives or maybe way down the road when they’re starting to become parents of their own. You see, being a dad doesn’t stop when your kids go out the door to start their own life.

Comedian Tim, a Tim Allen joked about it on last minute standing when he was trying to explain to his daughter Mandy, that no matter where she went, he would always see her as his little girl. That. When he died, he would wake up and be like, bee, oh wait, did Manny change the oil in her car? Because [00:01:00] even after death, she would still be at the forefront of his mind.

Well, Rob Finley, author of, Hey Dad, everything you should have learned about in life but didn’t explain That When you make that transition from 18 to beyond 18. It’s just a change in the way you dad and he likens it to the difference between a high school football coach and a pro football coach. It’s the same game, but it is a different style of coaching and a different relationship.

Check out Rob’s favorite dad story, and then we’re gonna have a quick word from our sponsor and we’ll dive into dad life after your kids are grown. Rob, every dad has that story that just jumps to mind. This, it may puts a smile on your face. You feel good about it. What is your favorite dad story?

Rob Finlay: So I think it’s, it’s hard obviously to just pick one, but if, if I’m going to pick one, um, let me set the stage for you.

So it’s middle of the night and my phone rings, and so [00:02:00] for any dad, any parent, having the phone ring in the middle of the night. Is the thing that we dread the most. So I jump up out of bed, my heart’s racing, and at my age, this heart shouldn’t be racing at that a, you know that, that time of night I see it’s one of my daughters.

I pick up the phone, I’m frantic, what’s wrong, and on the other end of the phone. I hear the voice of my daughter asking me, Hey dad, I’m at a gas station. Can I put the green gas in my Jeep? And I had to stop for a second. I’m like, okay, so you’re not on the side of the road. You’re not dead. You’re, you know, this is okay.

So I, I calmed down a little bit. I’m like, what? She said, can I put the green gas? She’s frustrated at me. Now ask, having to ask her, can I put the green gas in my Jeep? And I finally, my brain finally clicked. I said, are you asking if you could put diesel in your gas Jeep? And she said, yes. And she’s once again upset.

Now with me, [00:03:00] this is like one o’, two o’clock in the morning. Of course, like you may not put diesel in your gas vehicle, but it really just sort of set that, that tone, and it was, it’s one of these stories that. It was actually the, you know, the, the thing for my book, it’s really the whole reason why I wrote the book.

It was sort of the catalyst for it. But quite frankly, it’s one of these stories that I just keep on, I think about, and I, I laugh every time I think about it.

D Brent Dowlen: Wow. You know, I, I saw a YouTube video where a woman was, you know, a very young woman was putting, trying to put diesel in their very expensive car.

I was like,

Ad: oh.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah. Yeah. Every guy who knows anything about motors is having a heart attack, so Wow. Good for you for being there, dad, that’s a,

Rob Finlay: well, I wasn’t there. I was on the other line of the phone, but, but it really was more of, have I not taught you that? Like we’ve gone to the ga like, I know I’ve gone through this stuff with you, but did I really, you know, it was sort of one of [00:04:00] those things is, you know, and you, you always think about this as a parent.

Like, did you teach ’em everything? Were you actually saying something? Did you think you were saying something and they just weren’t listening? So it was one of those things where it’s just, you know, it comes all over the place. But yeah, it’s, it was, it was, it was very fortunate. But now, you know, you, you travel all over the country.

I see Green. Green actually doesn’t just represent Diesel. Now you could go to some of these clean states out in Midwest, and you’ve got crane handles, you’ve got orange handles. So it, it can be confusing.

D Brent Dowlen: Guys, we’re gonna rule our sponsor. Then we’ll be right back with more from Rob Finlay. Gentlemen, I sleep on a My pillow.

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So thank you ahead of time for helping keep the show on the air and the other products we make as well, guys. This conversation with Rod Finley is an incredible conversation because it’s one we don’t all think about as men, and I can’t wait to share it with you. Let’s get started.

Welcome to the Dad Hatch Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered truth about being a dad. Real dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent dLAN, and my special guest today is entrepreneur philanthropist and bestselling author Rob Finlay. Rob, welcome to the dad has shena podcast.

Rob Finlay: Oh, thanks so much for having me. It’s great to be here.

D Brent Dowlen: Rob, I I gotta ask right off the bat, how many kids and I, so I have four

Rob Finlay: kids. [00:07:00] Four, yeah, four kids, uh, three girls, one boy. Um, oldest is 28. Youngest is 20.

D Brent Dowlen: All right. So you’re, you’re at that stage where they’re there. Starting to move out on their own and live their own lives.

Oh, that’s, yeah, absolutely. How are you feeling? Yeah,

Rob Finlay: it’s good. You know, it’s, it’s, it’s, you know, I’ve, because I have that age, right? So 28 to 20, so I’ve been doing this for a while now, right? So it’s, it’s, I, I’ve, you know, it’s always surprising how long I’ve been a dad. Um, and, you know, it was funny actually, my, my son is actually older than I was when I had him.

So that puts things into perspective. As, as they start to go out. It’s interesting. It, it really becomes a, um, an interesting dynamic for our kids to become adults. Um, I think that that transition from being sort of a dependent to an independent can be a. Very challenging for a lot of kids, and especially when you think about the, uh, when you think [00:08:00] about what most young, young adults go through or young kids go through, it’s almost like if you’ve been to the airport and you see those, those motorized walkways, right?

Where you step on ’em and they, they basically just take you, you don’t even, it’s almost like an escalator, but it goes flat. And my kids and I, we used to call ’em magic carpet rides. And I really feel like life for our young kids is sort of like that magic carpet ride. They, they get on and you know, they do their stuff first grade, second grade, third grade, so on and so forth.

And then all of a sudden that magic carpet ride stops. Either they’ve graduated from high school and are gonna go out on their own, or they graduated from college and they’re gonna go out on their own. And it really creates a real dynamic and a real challenge for many young adults.

D Brent Dowlen: Rob, before we, before we deep dive too far, uh, tell us a little bit about who you are.

Right. I mean, I, yeah, I, I gave the little intro. Yay. But that doesn’t actually capture, so who is the man who is Rob Finlay that we’re talking to?

Rob Finlay: So, um, so I’m a father [00:09:00] of four. I’m a businessman, as you said. I’ve, I’ve, uh, built and sold businesses most of my life. Um, I love starting businesses. I love giving back to the community.

I love helping people sort of grow and, and develop. Um, on the other side, I’m also a farmer. Uh, I love being out in the woods. I love soil regeneration. Um, and I do enjoy writing my books and, and doing things like that. So I try to be, I try to balance life with a combination of family. Business, philanthropy and, and also some passion.

Okay,

D Brent Dowlen: I like it. You’re a farmer. What do you grow?

Rob Finlay: Uh, so mostly crops, alfalfa. Um, you know, I, I really tell people we’re soil farmers because we’re really working hard to go back and, and, and really try to reset our, our soil. That’s, that’s really the, the big mission of us is really trying to regenerate our soil and, and really create the microorganisms, the fungi, that that will, will help it grow.

I [00:10:00] think a lot of times our, our crops in the US are, uh, they, we add chemicals to ’em. They grow, we cut ’em out. We just add more chemicals in to let ’em grow. And I really want to take the soil first approach.

D Brent Dowlen: Okay. I live, I, I ask because I live in the middle of agriculture. Uh, yeah. We grow everything. Like one of the biggest turf farms in the, in the US is out here where I’m at, and we grow potatoes.

Our county grows more potatoes than Idaho. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. We there, there’s a big sign when you pull into the county. They’re very proud of that fact. Um, yeah. Corn, some asparagus and some onions. And so, and then you go up on the hills away from me and you get a lot of, uh, hay and wheat. So I, I, I’ve lived here for 18 years.

I still can’t grow anything. So hat’s off to you that you can actually grow anything. Uh, I’ve always been in awe of people who can actually do that.

Rob Finlay: Yeah, it’s a challenge, you know, it, it’s really a passion. My, my wife is really the green thumb in our [00:11:00] family. Um, you know, and, and I’m sort of more of the, the manual labor of it.

Uh, you know, I’m the guy with a wheelbarrow and I’m the one who’s with a hoe and, and doing stuff like that. But it really is, it’s, it’s enjoyable. I think it’s, it’s really nice to. Work in a garden, and I would’ve never have thought, I would have people who know me. It’s like, you know, I, I’ve raced cars, I’ve done all sorts of things, but people have never realized, like, I actually really enjoy going into a garden.

There’s, there’s a wonderful thing. It’s, it’s a, you know, it’s, it’s a, it’s a wonderful thing about going out and, and getting your hands dirty, but growing and, and providing for yourself. It really is something magical about it. So having that, that ability to create food for yourself is, is a lot of fun.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah, my momed with like planters and stuff on my back porch ’cause she lives with us and I’ve got mm-hmm. Kids, they’re 10 and 13 now, but she a bunch of planters ’cause she can grow stuff. I, I kill everything, but she grows things fine. So she spent a couple [00:12:00] summers with my daughters planting stuff and letting them watch things actually grow and go through it and seeing how this actually works.

And they were just in awe and I was like. That’s cool. Now if you can pass that whole green thumb to them. ’cause it’s not coming from Right, right, right.

Rob Finlay: Yeah. Uh, look, there’s, it, it’s great that the kids get to see that, right? I mean, they get to see where their food comes from and, and how you have to care for it in order to, to harvest it.

So it’s, it’s good stuff. That’s really good stuff.

D Brent Dowlen: So Rob, I have to ask the hat, what is your dad hat story? Why this hat?

Rob Finlay: So this hat is, you know, I think I mentioned to you, I do a lot of traveling, so I wasn’t, you know, it wasn’t like I was in one location for this hat. And so, um, when I, when when you said it, you have to come out with a hat, I was like, okay, well I gotta scramble.

So. This hat right here represents, well, one, it was one that I had, but, but more importantly, this hat is actually the, the hat says pig and nut. And the reason why this hat has some meaning [00:13:00] to me is one, it’s actually one of my companies. We provide, uh, really high quality. Culinary and beverage smoke wood.

So, you know, you’ve seen some of these craft cocktails where people have the, you know, the bourbon and they smoke it. Uh, it’s, we, we produce that wood for restaurants and bars, but also for, for food. It’s not mass produced. It’s, it’s sustainably harvested. Very specific species, specific wood. But the reason why I like this hat so much is, you know.

It actually reminds me of the woods. It reminds me of being in the, in the forest, and it just reminds me of nature and, and where I like to be. And I think being able to walk into the woods and nature is actually something that’s really nice and it really puts me at peace. I, I have a couple of big German shepherds that are with me all the time, and, you know, they love to run in the woods, so it, it brings back, it’s always a happy, happy thing for me.

And then finally it. It reminds me of my dad and my grandfather [00:14:00] because it’s the entrepreneurial spirit that they have, and they taught in me. And my, my grandfather was a, was a serial entrepreneur. My dad was a serial entrepreneur and still is a serial entrepreneur though he’s mostly focused on real estate now.

But it’s just one of those things and, and so to me it just brings back a lot of these, these memories.

D Brent Dowlen: That’s awesome. And that’s such a. The fact that you’re a third generation serial entrepreneur, that, that’s so cool. Uh, because the perfect example, right? Your kids see what you do more so than they ever hear what you tell them.

They see what you do and the choices you make. And, uh, it’s very cool that that has been a generational thing Now.

Rob Finlay: Yeah. Well, I don’t know. I, I think it’s good and bad, right? I think there’s a, you know, anybody who’s an entrepreneur will sort of tell you there’s, there’s good and bad, right? You have to have, you have to have a special mindset in order to be an entrepreneur and, and some would call it a sickness, right?

You can’t, [00:15:00] you know, if you, because it’s just one of those things, but I, I think my kids, they were, they were fortunate, but at the same point. I started my, my first business, right? Very early on in, in my, my kids’ lives. And so they’ve never seen me other than being an entrepreneur and having my own business.

And so when they went to go look for jobs and it’s, you know, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a different approach for them, right? I, I. I haven’t been in an interview. I’ve given interviews, but I haven’t been in an interview. Right. So it’s, it’s one of those things where I’m trying to teach my kids from my perspective of how I would look at people.

So it’s, it’s, uh, it’s, it’s very interesting.

D Brent Dowlen: I, I’ve done a lot of hiring, uh, over the years, my corporate life. And so I, I at least look forward to that point eventually, when my kids is like. Because I’ve known, I, I spent a lot of years working with teenagers and I know, like, as they become adults, [00:16:00] that’s one of those questions they face.

It’s like, oh, oh my gosh, interviews and how do I, so, you know, I’m grateful for that time getting to hire people. ’cause like I’ll be able to, gives me like, okay, you know, this is what we’re really looking at. Right.

Rob Finlay: Right. Well, I think one of the things that’s really important too, and I think for, for all of your listeners, um, especially with with younger children, one of the most important things and one of the biggest gaps that I’ve seen is, um, our, our young adults inability to communicate and to communicate externally.

And, and I mean, without cell phone, without email, but, and, and actually networking. And I think these are, these are a skill that is. Imperative for them to get jobs, I think, you know, uh, so I wrote this book called Hey Dad, and it was all the things that you should have learned about but you didn’t, about being an adult.

And one of the biggest parts of the book was actually going through and, and talking to [00:17:00] professional recruiters and hiring managers. And they said to me, they’re like, look, kids, kids think they can just go on LinkedIn or Indeed. Fill out a resume and they’re gonna get the job. And that doesn’t happen. You have to know somebody.

You have to be proactive. You have to be able to go out and look at companies through LinkedIn and find out people that you might wanna know and reach out blind and say, Hey, can I talk to you for five minutes about your company? These are skills and comforts. That a lot of young adults don’t have, and that’s gonna, that’s really gonna impact them as they try to get jobs and, and try to get promoted in life.

D Brent Dowlen: Um, that’s a great start into today we wanted to talk about parenting after 18, right? That, yeah, that was what we agree we wanted to dive into. And you are in a spectacular spot to help my audience ’cause my kids are 10 and 13. I’ve, I’ve worked with a lot of [00:18:00] teenagers over 20 years, but, you know, I, I don’t have that skillset yet.

Had to be in those shoes. So I’m really excited about our conversation because we’ve got a lot of parents, right? It’s, it’s graduation time where I’m at. Uh, all our high school is about to do their graduations. They did the baccalaureate last night and there are a lot of parents every year that face this new challenge of, okay, my kid’s outta high school.

How do I continue that relationship forward? How do I support them? And so I’m, I’m really excited about your input on this today. So let’s, let’s start. How do we start setting that foundation with our kids to continue that through, that I’m relying on you and now I’m transitioning into adult myself. How do we even start that foundation?

Rob Finlay: Well, I think it’s important back to. Where were you before this event? Right? So were you a hovering parent? Were you, um, you know, were you [00:19:00] a helicopter parent? Were you, you know, constantly picking out or were you more sort of offhand right? Or, and, and so I think that starts with that, but I think one of the most important things for, for parents to go through this is a very, very.

Difficult time for both parents and for the young adult. I think I mentioned this as a young adult, it’s a very confusing time, right? You’ve got a lot of things going on, not to mention what social media is telling you where you should be and what you’re doing. At the same point, you parents and, and as being a parent, you’re in a situation where.

You are almost, what’s your purpose now, right? Your, your, your child is gone off, you’ve done all of this, you’ve basically provided them for them for the last 18 or however many years, and now what’s your purpose? So I think the time is, is, is very interesting. What I try to tell to most parents, and it depends on the audience when I speak, but if for [00:20:00] dads, I like to equate it to one of my favorite pastimes, which is football.

And I, I go to reference coaching. If you look at the way that high school coaches coach football versus the way that professional coaches coach football, you’ll see there’s a difference. And I like to put this, that, that sort of analogy to this transition of parenting. So when your kids are young, sure, hey, you need to block, this is how you block.

This is the hole. This is exactly how you do it, right? This is how you step, this is how you form. Everything is very specific and you’re constantly iterating and adjusting and correcting that position, that behavior, right. Whereas a professional coach, you’re gonna hire a, you know, if you just recruited or just drafted a, a professional lineman or, or, you know, football player in the NFL, they pretty much know what their job is, right?

So you’re, you’re teaching ’em very different things. You’re much more of [00:21:00] a, um, much more of a mentor, more of a guidance than, than anything else. And so that’s really where I think parents need to sort of set that position. You are no longer that high school coach that has to make sure they’re in every position.

You have to make sure that they’re generally going in the right direction and be there when they come back to you with questions. And that’s more important. You need to make sure that you are open and you’re available to answer those questions.

D Brent Dowlen: Have you seen, there’s a trend that I’m starting to see.

I’m actually very excited about it on social media where younger parents are starting to go. You know what? We need to let our kids go into the store and pay for things. We need to empower them to go order at a fast food restaurant and pay and come out with the food or go in the, and I, I saw it and I thought about it.

’cause my dad, you know, my dad loved to drive around when I was a kid. Like he, he wanted to [00:22:00] explore, he wanted to see everything there was, and he sent me into the gas station all the time to get us drinks or to pay for the gas or right. All from the time I was like, you know, 8, 9, 10, no problem. Right? Yep.

And we’ve gone through this phase of hair helicopter parenting where you know, you’re protecting your kid from everything. And I’ve had to look at my own life. It’s like, have I been overprotective in the name of being protective, right? Yep. And so I’m excited to see this trend because that’s really, we need to get back to that more with our kids and go, no, you’re capable.

Go, go do this. Why are you. Right.

Rob Finlay: It is hard because it’s hard on parents, right? Because I think, um, first of all, I do love that trend, right? I, I was actually at a restaurant the other night and I saw a, a child that had to probably have been maybe 11 or 12, and he wasn’t ordering. He, he, his mom was asking him what he wanted to eat, and he would sit there and tell her what he wanted to eat, and waitress comes and he wouldn’t talk.

[00:23:00] I think to me that’s, that’s, you’re doing a disservice to, you’re, you’re doing a disservice to a child. But, um. But I think there’s a, there’s a combination of things, right? I think it is important that as, as, as parents, you are pushing your kids to do these things, get them out of these boundaries, get them out of their comfort zone, let them fail.

That’s actually, failure is a really good thing. They should embrace it and challenge it and, and, and love it. But parents want to do what’s right for their kids, and I’m just as guilty, right? I’m, I’m sitting here, I’m like, you know, people are like, oh, Rob, you’re full of it. Because you know that your daughters never once had to do anything with their cars.

Right. You know, that all they had to do is, dad, something’s going on with my car daddy. There’s a light dad, there’s something. Or Dad would be on his own. And I would look at the car and make sure the tires were inflated and made sure everything was done. So I think we have to, as parents. Don’t put too much on your parent, right?

As, as a parent, it’s hard enough, right? I mean, there’s the, being a, being a parent is [00:24:00] hard enough. Set the bar right. Most important thing you can do is raise a decent human. That’s it. That’s it. If you, you know, if you get a superstar athlete, that’s great. If you get an actor, great, whatever. But just try to set the level and make a, have a decent human being.

All the rest of it is what can you do to help those people become decent human beings? And that includes. Empathy and, and communication and connection with people. Social isolation, uh, isolation is, is a huge issue in our, our, you know, in our environment now. And so letting your kids go out and be comfortable talking is, is a huge, important thing that they need to do early on.

D Brent Dowlen: It’s, it’s amazing. We are the most connected, and that’s air quotes. For all of you listening, we’re at the most connected point in human history, and we are the most disconnected. I think we have been. Easily in my lifetime. And I wanna, I I, I’ll make the broad assumption of, I, I wanna say honestly, we’re the most disconnect we’ve been in human history.

[00:25:00] The amount, a relationship with their phone and nothing else is terrifying.

Rob Finlay: Oh yeah. And when you think about what. Where technology is going through ai, which AI is a wonderful thing in one regard. On the other regard, it’s, it’s, you know, it’s, it’s changing the way we think and the way we communicate and the way we interact and, you know, would you, it it’s probably a lot easier to go and, and have a relationship with somebody who’s always nice to you and happy with you as opposed to going out into real life.

And, and so there’s gonna be some real, real challenges. And, and you’re right. And, and I think going back to that social media stuff. I think one of the things that, that what we’ve noticed with young adults is that the expectations that they have are so unrealistic. And so as a parent, one of the things that’s really important, and this comes back to that parenting, what do you do when your kids, you know, go out on their own?

But I think it’s, it’s really important to look and say, okay, [00:26:00] what’s, what’s real and what’s fake? Right. Because if I go on Instagram, I’m feeling like you a failure. Right? I’ve got kids who are 22, they’re making, oh, they don’t even know what their numbers are. Right. Kids drive flying around in a G six 50 and he’s got a billion dollars and he is on social media.

It’s like B. Yes. Right. So it’s important, but your kids can’t distinguish that. Right. And so a lot of times they’re getting out in their first job. It might be a decent job, it might be a good job for them, but they’re feeling pressure because, oh, well I heard my friend Sally has a job that’s paying twice as much.

And so as a parent, we really have to be good with our kids saying, listen, this is your life is a journey. Start the path, get on the path. And that’s the most important thing is you gotta start your path. Otherwise you’re just gonna, you know, you’re, you’re gonna get left behind.

D Brent Dowlen: Rob, lemme ask you, what’s the best part about being a dad?

Rob Finlay: Watching your kids grow up, [00:27:00] watching them be sad, watching them be happy, watching them have to make the decisions and have the love of things that, that I have. And I think that’s really what’s, what’s so powerful. Watching your kids grow up is, is amazing, right? It’s being a dad is, is a wonderful thing and, and challenging, right?

It’s, it’s, you know, it all depends. It comes in stages, right? You know, when my daughters were, were teenagers, I might not have said, being a dad is a wonderful thing, but it is a wonderful thing. And it, and it’s just watching them grow, watching ’em become the humans that, that they are so.

D Brent Dowlen: Gentlemen, if your relationships are not where you want them to be, I want you to know I got you.

Relationships take a lot of work and can fall on the back burner pretty easily as your empire building in your life. Men often suffer from damage to their relationships while they’re trying to provide, because we’re always trying to find a way to provide for [00:28:00] our family, and unfortunately, a lot of that ladder climbing often pushes the people who matter most to the side while we think we’re taking care of our families.

It actually frequently leads to us neglecting those really core relationships. If you are struggling with the connections in your life that actually matter, that make life worthwhile, reach out, go to purpose driven men.com and schedule a free discovery call. We teach men how to connect the skills it takes to really connect deeply and have those quality relationships that matter with the people who matter most to you.

And guys, these are the people who make life worthwhile. So if you’re struggling with that right now, A, you’re not alone. And B, there is a solution and we’d love to help you out. Schedule your free discovery. Call now over@purposedrivenmen.com and let’s get back to the show you, you wrote this book and it really was spurred from this [00:29:00] early conversation with your daughter about gas.

Uh, and you started questioning, you know, how do you make that transition, right? How do I support my kids? And you’ve started us on a foundation, but as they make that transition, how do we start to show up that differently in their life? And start to, as your metaphor went, move from high school coaching where we’re actually, this is what you do and this is how you do it to, alright.

You know, the game. Let’s, let’s work on the other details.

Rob Finlay: Yeah. Yeah. So I think through, throughout their life, I think that’s, you have to stand by. You have to be present for them. But one of the things too is in fairness, you have to have your own stuff together, right? If your kids are gonna come to you, you have to have your own stuff together.

And, and so things like, um, and, and this, this is in particular and, and probably not a popular topic, but, um, I was actually on a, on a podcast for, um. Middle age [00:30:00] women in transition, right? Who are going through life, life change. I’m like, well, I’m the, why in the world would you want me as a, you know.

55-year-old man to be on a, you know, to, to be on a, a middle aged women in crisis. And the, the woman, this was out of Australia too, and she said, actually it’s because it’s that transition that very similar that you wrote about in your book, which is the transition for young adults going, they’re, they’re, they’re exciting, they’re excited to go out into this world, but all of a sudden they’re out in this world and there’s a lot of stuff going on, coming at ’em.

And so I think as a parent. We first need to be in a good situation to guide them and coach them. Second is we need to remember that we’re not telling them what to do, that we’re not preaching to them. We’re not nagging them. It’s the delivery. The world will teach our children. My mom’s favorite quote, right?

I can, I can tell my kids to tell ’em blue in the face, [00:31:00] put gas in your car, put gas in your car, put gas in your car. Right? And hopefully they do. And for the most part they do. But sometimes if they don’t and they run outta gas well the world will teach them. Right? And so I think it’s important for us as, as, as adults, as we go through this transition as well, to understand who we are.

Because we are going through this transition as well, right? We, as we talked about, these parents are, it’s a big deal. You’ve just, your child who you’ve had, who you’ve taken care of is now independent. And so what are you gonna do? What’s your purpose in life now? And once you have your purpose, then it’s easier for you to help guide your kids.

D Brent Dowlen: I think that’s a interesting point. The idea of. Continuing having, having something passed, right? When your kids start to become adults and move out on their own or leave the household for college or whatever, it’s important that they see that you still have a [00:32:00] life, you still have a purpose, you still have a direction, and you’re living that and thriving in that.

As we mentioned earlier, like kids, kids see what you do to a to a fault. Overweight, yes. Nine times outta 10. Absolutely. Uh, that that’s something you would, that is, that is a rough, you’re right, that, that is a rough to swallow as a dad. Right. Because I, I still have a few years before my kids start leaving the house, but like my brother’s daughters are all grown now.

The youngest one is got married last summer and moved off to take her first job with her husband and, uh, you know, and, and she was the baby. And I, I’m looking at their life. And, and he’s doing his best. They’re doing their best to live. But I, I look for at the same time, I’m really excited. Everybody told me, it’s like, oh, just wait.

Joe, your kids are teenagers. I spent 20 years working with teenagers. I’m really excited about my kids becoming teenagers. It’s my favorite age, [00:33:00] but I’m looking ahead going, when they go off, what does life look like? Right? Way down the pipe anyway. So it’s like, oh, it comes quickly. It comes quickly, right?

It does. It’s just the other day I was bringing him home from the hospital. I swear. So that’s Oh yeah, I feel the same. I feel the same way. Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. No, that’s fine. That’s just a really hard pillow to swallow. ’cause I don’t think a lot of his parents think about what life looks like beyond our children.

Yeah. I’ve always encouraged young couples to take. Three years or more before they start having kids. Just so they have time to build that foundation of who we are as a couple in their marriage before it becomes all about kids for the next 18 years. Yep. Give them a better shot because that’s also where the top age line is for divorce.

Age is when kids leave. Uh, and it’s because they don’t [00:34:00] know who we are. Now that identity of who we are doesn’t exist ’cause we were the kids.

Rob Finlay: Oh yeah, no, I think that’s, that’s a very, I mean, that’s a valid point, and actually I’m, I’m proof to that statement. So, you know, it’s, it is a, uh, um, it’s, it’s definitely one of those things you, you have to, you know, being a parent is, is, is wonderful and hard and I think to that point.

One of the things that I’m, I’m really keyed up on is, is making sure that the time with your kids is, it’s not about just time, it’s about being present. Right. And I, I think I see that a lot. Like, you know, I, I, I, I told you, I do a lot of traveling. I go to these restaurants and I, I just, it bothers me when I see every one of the family members on their phone, you know, they’re at dinner and they’re all on their phone, and I’m.

I wish, and I’m sitting there either by myself, ’cause I’m going from hotel to hotel or town to town, and, and I’m like, I just, I, I, I want to go over there and be like, you know what, [00:35:00] can I tell you, one of these days, your kids aren’t gonna be around the table. Right. You’re not gonna see them. You’re, you’re gonna see them once every few months if you’re lucky.

Right? And then as they get older, it’s less and less. Take this time. There’s nothing on your phone that’s more important than this time with your kids, and I know it’s it. Sometimes it’s nice. Sometimes you need a break and sometimes you need that mental break, but. Just, it’s really important. Be present with your kids.

’cause this is, right now, I’m, I get to see my mine are all living elsewhere, you know, so it’s, it’s a big deal to go see ’em. It’s not like they’re upstairs or downstairs or at a friend’s house. I, you know, it, it, it takes, it takes purpose now and, and takes effort to go see them. Change of schedule. So, e enjoy this time.

D Brent Dowlen: We talked about, you talking about being present. How else do you cultivate that relationship as they’re approaching that transition as they’re growing up to where they’re, they are, they’re calling [00:36:00] going, Hey dad, how do I, or Hey dad, this is going on. Can you, how do you cultivate that? Because I think. As parents.

I think that’s, I, I want that when my kids, when my kids that age. I want that. I want that to be the first call. Oh, dad would have an idea on how to help with this.

Rob Finlay: Yeah. To a point. Right. And that comes back to that helicopter, right? You, yes you do. Up to a point. But you want your kids to be able to start being forward thinking, right?

There’s an age and you’re still earlier on. And when you start to get to an age where I, if my 28-year-old, I want him to call me and ask me about things like, Hey, investment allocation or this, or that, or I’m thinking about starting a business. I’m not expecting my kid to, you know, my, my 28-year-old to call and say, Hey, you know, why do I need a bank account?

I’ve, I use Venmo, right? It’s like these. So I think you have to put it into perspective of where you want your kids to do these things. Look. As I [00:37:00] mentioned when I was writing this book, I went out and I interviewed 30 experts. Everything from clinical psychiatrists to a nascar, uh, uh, Daytona 500 winning NASCAR driver, and his crew chief to Navy Seals, to, uh, a professional housekeeper, excuse me, all to get information so that I could give good advice, and they were giving good advice because.

Quite frankly, even I don’t know it all right. I’m constantly learning. I’m constantly learning as an adult. So I think it’s important that you have to understand that your, your kids are coming to you with information. And by the way. They’re gonna outpace you in certain things, right? When I talk to cryptocurrency, I’m talking to my son about cryptocurrency.

If I’m talking about things on, you know, other things, it’s, it’s what’s this, what does this mean? What’s this? So it’s, it’s coming to this commonality of, of the, the information that I can provide with the [00:38:00] information that they can provide, and that’s how we communicate and engage with each other.

D Brent Dowlen: I like that.

The mutual respect of letting your kids. Outpace you in some things and letting them formulate their own ideas and opinions and encouraging that, uh, you know, as a coach, a men’s coach, that’s, that’s, you know, I’m, I’m much more of let’s help you find the answer, right? Uh, even, even working with teenagers for years, I’ve always been a, let’s help you find the answer.

I, I don’t want to give you the answer. I don’t want you regurgitating things. Yep. Having that approach with your kids, it’s like, well, what do you think? Yep. How would you, would you do this if you couldn’t ask me? Let’s talk about that.

Rob Finlay: Right, and that was really the premise of the book too, is, is that this was about foundational knowledge.

This isn’t about how to tie a tie, it’s more about why you should wear a tie and what situations and, and things like etiquette manner are not, not actual very specifics. Right. [00:39:00] It’s, it’s not knowing to that, you know. How to use a, you know, an Allen wrench or, or, you know, a wrench. It’s more of, Hey, you should really know where your water shutoff is in your apartment, because most likely you’re gonna have a water leak and you need to know how to turn it off.

Or you’re a guy out on the first time and you’re, you know, your buddies come over and clog the toilet, right? These are things that you need to know how to turn water off. So, just basic, it’s all. Foundational knowledge, how to get out of an emergency, what’s in a bad situation, what to do in a, how to get an apartment, how to get a job.

Those things are, are, are important, but those are foundational.

D Brent Dowlen: I like it. Rob, I gotta ask. It wouldn’t be a dad show without dad jokes. Do you have a dad joke for us? Yeah.

Rob Finlay: So I wasn’t sure if I had to do like a it. It was a joke that I thought dads would say. So it, you know, it wasn’t against dads, but it’s like, so what do you call a [00:40:00] person who refuses to fart in public?

D Brent Dowlen: What?

Rob Finlay: A private tutor.

D Brent Dowlen: I’ll take it. That’s bear play entirely. I like it.

Rob Finlay: Okay, perfect.

D Brent Dowlen: My, my daughter helped me when I got, when I started doing the show, she’s like, you’re not very funny, dad. So she got me a book of dad jokes ’cause she knew I would need help.

Rob Finlay: Oh, that’s hilarious. Yeah. I had to, I actually had to go. I’m like, okay, well let’s make it current. And, you know, not knowing truly the whole audience, you know, it’s like, okay, well let’s make sure, you know, we keep it peachy and, and fun.

So,

D Brent Dowlen: yeah. A lot of dad humor is situational. Right? It, it’s a lot of puns. It’s a lot of, in the moment it’s like, oh, that’s just right there. I can. Throw this out. I love it. Yep. Come with it at every age, like it doesn’t matter when they were little. Now they’re older and I still like, I’ll make jokes around teenagers and they just get that like, oh my God, yes, I [00:41:00] wanted right there.

Right. Yeah. Good, good. Rob, what would you suggest to the dads out there as far as starting to. Smooth out that relationship to where your kids are. We we’re not taught to teach people to think it’s I, I don’t even know if I can say that eloquently. We are not taught in our education how to help others think for themselves.

So how do we start helping our kids to make those decisions? Maybe we’ve been helicoptering a little much, or, and a dad is listening to this going is like, I, I may hover a little much, or I may do everything for my kids. How do we start keeping them in that direction where they’re starting to problem solve on their own without us?

Rob Finlay: I think it’s exposure. I, I, I really do think the more exposure you can have with your kids, um, to things like just, Hey, come on down. Hey, let’s go to Jiffy Lube. Right. It’s like, I don’t know, I, I, I did my oil long time ago, right? And my dad did his [00:42:00] oil, my grandfather did his oil, but I’m, I’m gonna go to Jiffy Lube or whatever and, you know, AAA service and get that done.

And so, but having your kids come down and, and with you so they sort of understand the process of why you’re doing it, I think it’s also really important. That as adults, we actually include our young adults in adult situations, adult things. Now, I’m not saying that your kid should be with you 24 7, right?

We’ve got those friends that, you know, their kid is with them all the time, everywhere they go. And that’s like, that’s not that. That’s not what I, I’m promoting. What I’m advocating though, for. Your kids will learn. The, the more they have of a, of a, a society or a neighborhood or a family, the the better influences that they get in their life.

And so, you know, when you, when they have good friends who are adult friends and they’re comfortable talking with them, they’re gonna have good conversations, they’re gonna be challenged by that adult. That adult is also gonna be there to say, Hey. Don’t be an idiot, [00:43:00] right? So it’s important that you have this, this group around you, but having your kids, making sure that they’re not stuck on their phone, in their room playing video games, get them out of that.

Get them into the, the world and get them into the exposure of what you’re doing and what you’re involved with. I have my kids come to work with me every so often. I have them come to business dinners with me or business lunches with me, and, and I think it’s important. They still don’t know what I do for a living, but I think it’s important that they, they do see.

That there is engagement and, and there’s, there’s something about it and I, I, I really think it’s good for all parents to do that. And quite frankly, dad’s, you’re gonna, you’re gonna hover, you’re gonna take care of your kids. And especially, I’m, I’m guilty of this. I, I probably over overdo my daughters and not necessarily my son.

Right. It was, you know, so that’s just, that’s just me. But, you know, I, I think it’s, it’s natural and it’s okay, but just get [00:44:00] them to be independent and stand on their own as well.

D Brent Dowlen: Rob, if a dad listening wants to go deeper on this, where’s the best place to connect with you and follow up?

Rob Finlay: So the best places is my website.

It’s Rob Finlay, F-I-N-L-A y.com. And uh, just feel free to go on there. You can follow me on Instagram. Yeah, I try to, try to be cool and put fun stuff on there that I do other than just book stuff. Uh, but, uh. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, go take a look at that and, um, you know, feel free to reach out. I, this book was a, was a passion project for me.

This is not my day job, you know, as, as, you know, writing books and, and doing things outside like your podcast. And so this is a lot of work and, and there’s a lot of effort. And I do this for, for passion and, uh, and, and it was a, it was a, it was a passion of love for, for my kids.

D Brent Dowlen: Absolutely. That’s, you know, that’s, and that’s a, as someone who’s working on a book currently, um, that’s a heck of a [00:45:00] passion for your kids brother.

Right, right there. Yeah. Anybody who, who’s listening, who has never tried to write a book Wow. Just, just wow. The, the undertaking. I talked to a lot of authors and. You have to love something a lot to write a book on it. It’s a lot of work.

Rob Finlay: It’s a lot of work, a lot of commitment and, and you get, you get burned, especially when it’s not your, you know, it’s not your your day job.

Like Yeah. If, if I was Stephen King and yeah, you’re getting paid a lot of money and you’ve got somebody that’s sort of on you, that’s one thing. It’s like doing your homework without, you know, having to turn it in. Right. It’s like, uh, I’ll just do it tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. So, but keep at it. You’ll get it.

D Brent Dowlen: Rob, if our audience heard nothing else you said today, what is the most important thing you want the dads listening to hear?

Rob Finlay: Relax. Your kids will be fine. Make sure they’re good adults. Make sure they’re good kids. Just make sure that, and then you’ve done everything. That’s it. That’s all you have [00:46:00] to, that’s all you have to think about.

D Brent Dowlen: Guys, thanks for joining us today on the Dad Hatch Henas podcast, A community of dads navigating life challenges together. Until next time, laugh, learn, and live the dad life.