The Incredible Yusef Marshall on Fatherhood, Fighting for Family, and Why Unity at Home Changes Everything

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Now Mr. U, all dads had that story, right? Just like you even think about it, you start smiling and it sometimes only makes sense to you, but all dads have that story. So what is your funny dad story?

Mista Yu: I think funny is relative, but this is one of those things that my wife and I, we talk about every once in a while.

We kind of just chuckling it now in the moment. It wasn’t a funny story, excuse me, but we had a parent teacher’s conference and we were in a district, in an area. Of the state. I’m not going to point out where that is, to not purposely offend anybody, but we were in a particular district that, that was kind of known for not caring about people of certain races and creeds.

Let’s put it like that. And I was at a parent teacher’s conference for one of my daughters, and the, the teacher, the administrator, she would not acknowledge me. She, I mean, my wife is, looks the [00:01:00] same as me, but she wouldn’t acknowledge me at all. She was just like, uh. I guess a woman to woman thing, and the, the man was not important.

So, and, and on top of that, there was a little bit of a history of fathers not showing up for their kids in this regard. So it was, uh, out of the norm. So I’m, I’m from New York City, man. I’m a, I’m a straight shooter. I talk, look at you in the eye, and we get down the business and put in that work. So for me, I was there to take care of.

The issue that was going on with my, with my child and I, I didn’t care about all of the history. I didn’t care about all of the peripheral stuff, and she would acknowledge me and she just kept on it. She just kept kind of ignoring me and I did something that was kind of a little bit outta character.

’cause I, I didn’t wanna make a, a, a bad scene, but I put it in a place real good. And I told her, I said, you know, this is, this is my child. You know, she tried to make it about me being a stepparent all and, and how I, I didn’t have a real say. I said, this is my daughter. You ain’t gonna tell me how to run my daughter’s life.

And my daughter [00:02:00] and my daughter. This is, this is our thing. This is our thing. You just, you just teach her. That’s your, that’s your, that’s your assignment. But this is, I raised her, what I’m saying, I live with her a big thing. Uh, I don’t think got anything settled. I found out what I need to find out about, about my daughter and her, her education and everything.

But I thought it was funny because I didn’t expect that for myself, even though I, you know, I, I got a history of, of dealing with, with hard stuff and hard ways being from New York, but it was funny, man, it come down here to the south and had to do with something like that and see how I handled it. A lot, a lot, a lot of folks try to assimilate to the culture and do what the Romans do, so to speak.

I’m like, no, I’m a, I’m, I’m going to do with me. This is my family. I gotta fight for this. My family is worth fighting for, and I’ll fight all of y’all to defend my kids. So it wasn’t funny in the moment because the, uh, I put, I kind of created a repetition for us as parents, and then we showed up. Everybody was all noticed, like, you know what, here they come.[00:03:00]

What’s getting ready to happen now, but my, my goal wasn’t to have that kind of rep, it was just to make sure that I established some boundaries with these people who didn’t know me and didn’t really know my daughter the way I do, and let ’em know that we are real parents and we are here for the long haul, and if you mess with them, you messing with me and I’m gonna come and see you.

So I thought it was funny. We laugh about it from time to time and it’s a, it’s a funny story that we tell every once in a while, but I thought it was funny.

D Brent Dowlen: Now I, I, I actually find that highly amusing because I, a lot of people haven’t moved around. Like they, they live in like one area their whole lives and, and they don’t understand the culture shock when you go from one area of this country to another.

And like people do, people treat you incredibly differently based on their experiences, uh, just, you know, without adding anything else to it, without adding race or anything else to it. People were gonna treat you a certain way [00:04:00] based on their experiences. Oh, yeah. Funny. Like a, a teacher was, that’s

Mista Yu: she, I think she was, I think she used to be in the Boston, maybe she was the boss in every area of her life.

And I think she just, it was so natural to her. I think that that’s what she was doing in every area of her life. I think these days you probably call her a Karen, but that’s beside the point. But it’s. She was really comfortable talking to me or, or, or talking around me in a certain way, and I, I, I couldn’t let that stand, man.

Some, sometimes just let stuff go and not, you know, make everything into a, a power struggle. But I couldn’t do it this time. Maybe I was too weak. Maybe I was too strong. I don’t know which one it was, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her do that to me. So I, I, I, I asserted my authority. I, I asserted my, uh.

Dom’s in the situation where I thought I had it and I just, [00:05:00] I let her have it. I said her straight,

D Brent Dowlen: Hey, I’m a for it man. I feel good who they are. This is my kid. Like, engage with me. This is my kid.

Mista Yu: Yeah.

D Brent Dowlen: So I love it. I love that you are fighting for your kids and he is like, you, you, you just, you just kind of spend time with ’em.

They’re mine. Right. Yeah. Laid that claim. Yeah.

Mista Yu: And maybe, maybe we got it rough, man, because people don’t think that, but there’s a lot of things that we have to deal with. It’s not, it’s not easy. People think it’s easy to be a man. It’s not. The responsibilities are super great.

D Brent Dowlen: My guest today, Mr. You had some incredible insights into the fact that life works a whole lot differently when you come together with your spouse, a united front.

So today on this episode of the Dad has Shenanigans podcast, we’re talking [00:06:00] firsthand with a man who went from. We have no plan on this. We’re just gonna wing it to what it looks like when you come together with your spouse and the difference that makes in raising your kids with some great stories, some great insights, and a great dad hat story.

Guys, dig into this episode. We’ll, Mr. A U right after this word from our sponsors.

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Welcome to the dad Hash Shenanigans podcast, the unfiltered Truth about being a dad. Real Dads real stories, unfiltered, candid conversations on fatherhood. I’m your host, Brent Allen. Today my guest is a man of mini hats himself with one of the most important being Dad Yusuf Marshall. But you might know him more as his commonness nomenclature, AKA, the incredible Mr.

You, Mr. You. Welcome dad hat. She’s podcast.

Mista Yu: Thank you man. Oh, I’m excited, man. I got the dad part straight. I think I got the hat. I, I, I’m, I’m ready for it. Let’s go, man. [00:09:00] I’m excited. You’ve had me on, man.

D Brent Dowlen: I’ve actually had people show up without hats. Like that’s why there’s so much on that in our conversation.

Ooh, that’s not a violation, right? It’s the first instruction. Bring a hat. But hey, speaking of hat, okay. You’re wearing White Castle Ball cap. Tell us, tell us the dad hat story. What? What’s up with the dad hat?

Mista Yu: It’s funny, I, to be clear, I would never would have bought this myself. I have a long White Castle history.

Uh, when I was a little kid, I told a story to my daughter so many times. I think it’s how it got started. But growing up, uh, back in New York City, you know, I, we had, I had time for breakfast, but I had a one of those lives where I was like a latchkey kid. So I had to kind of do my own thing, get outta the house, and I had to go to a different bur to go to schools.

I had to take two, two trains and a bus to go, to go to, uh, to go to high school. So for me, the bus, the white campus at the bus stop I had to be at to get, get off the train, to get on the bus. So it was natural breakfast [00:10:00] and it became a thing all four years, every day of school. Breakfast. I didn’t get breakfast at home, so because I was just rushing to get outta there.

So to get on on the trains, you know, the train is late, you are late for school. So it just, uh, me being early, so White Castle was the option. I ate White Castle for breakfast for four years, and you know what? It doesn’t sound appetizing. I got like a good breakfast, but it was the Breakfast of Champions and I loved it, and I ate it every single day.

I sometimes I even had it for lunch. I was, I I was backed into it. Sometimes dinner too. I love White Castle after a while. This, this, a reputation about the burgers though, that you, you can’t eat that stuff and not, uh, pay a, a cost to eat this food. Just to put it like that. But I, not getting close on your show, but my daughter’s heard a story many times and I’ve been a fan of the, uh, the one, the ones in the frozen variety.

’cause I moved away from, from where they were White Castle restaurants. So couldn’t find that stuff where I lived. To left home in New York. So they were bottles from me, you know, at [00:11:00] random, outta the supermarket and everything. And after a while I backed off it, but my grandkids wanted to gimme a Father’s Day gift.

So they got me a whole a cup that says, you know, you’re the best Popeye in the world. And all kinds of the greatest Popeye and all kind of stuff. And this hat was also in the, in the, uh, one of the gifts. I’m like a white castle. Ha. It, it reminded me that they would actually listen to my stories and after you heard me, ’cause I didn’t think they would listen to me.

But they obviously heard me and they came together and figured out that a White Castle had, would be an awesome gift. This is actually my first time wearing it. Don’t show anybody because I’m not gonna wear it. I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna wear it out on the street, but I’m, I’m proud of my, my, my gift. It came from my, my kids and my grandkids, so I’m with it, but this is my first time actually wearing it.

So I’m, I’m trying to make it a fit this morning and everything. But great memories came from me putting on, on my head today and. Gimme opportunity to even do that because this was, this was really good. I’m thinking about all kind of cool stuff that happened that I came with it. So my father did gift for my kids and my grandkids.

White Castle. Here we go. [00:12:00] History.

D Brent Dowlen: That’s awesome. Like some, some women don’t understand, like men, men have hats that just like actual physical hats, right? I, I have a ball cap from the 91, 92, 93 back to back Rose Bowl championships. Oh, sweet. For the Huskies.

Mista Yu: Okay.

D Brent Dowlen: Because it was a really important time in my life, and that was when like, our quarterback from that year went on to play pro ball.

Uh, he was the quarterback for Jacksonville for when they formed. And, and so like, but I mean, it is dirty and gross. My wife’s like, throw it away. I’m like, mm-hmm. No, just wash

Mista Yu: it.

D Brent Dowlen: Throw it away. I’m afraid to wash that one. It might fall apart. I think the oils holding. Oh. It is. I have that collection of hats other than this fancy, showy one.

But I love the White Castle hat because they’re, you have such a story behind that, right? There’s so, and your kids were listening, [00:13:00] which is like even better that they got it for you. I’m amazed. Yeah, but how many kids? Cool. You have kids and grandkids. I got that.

Mista Yu: Yeah. Three grown daughters, six grandkids, and we found out about eight months ago that we have a great-grandchild I haven’t met yet, so.

D Brent Dowlen: Oh my goodness, bro. I’m, I’m gonna take a sip on that one. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Cheers. A great,

Mista Yu: it’s amazing.

D Brent Dowlen: But I mean, here we are man. Before we go too much farther, Mr. You tell us about, tell us about yourself. For those who are joining us today, who don’t know you already. Um, you guys can catch me over on his show and soon you’ll catch him on my other show. But. For people who don’t know Mr. You and you have not found one of your fantastic podcasts or some of your other, uh, adventures, we call adventures, tell us about you.

Mm,

Mista Yu: wow. About me, like you said earlier, and that’s [00:14:00] kind of how I describe myself now. I kind of a jack of all trades and aware of many hats. I’ve done so many things in life that, I mean, I try, I try to talk about it in the, in the show to kind of just put it out there where it doesn’t sound like it’s self aggrandizing and kind of just talk about the many things I got valuable experiences from.

But currently, I guess I can be described as a, a ordained minister, uh, a podcast as you well know, um, the direct director of a new nonprofit. And that’s kind of where all my energy is going right now. I mean, the, the husband, father piece is always present, but. Those are the things that I do, I guess in life, in the world and stuff.

I mean, I got a lot of things. I was a singer and songwriter for years. I was a author of a, of my first book. Uh, I’ve done so many things. I was a leader in industry with the government, uh, border security and passports and stuff. I mean, I was, I was doing a lot of stuff. So I guess I’m just, you know, trying to just live this purpose out and be the best version of myself [00:15:00] that I can be.

And. I’m trying to find myself in this world of podcasting and, and media and, and trying to be the professional and encourager. If I can describe myself, I guess that’s what I am. I’m, I’m a professional encourager, I’m a professional friend. That’s what I’m trying, that’s what I’m trying to do right now. So that’s kind of my, my goal with the, uh, help some folks out grow in their purpose and kept them get some answers to some lifelong questions.

So. That’s the goal of the podcast and that’s the goal of my private conversations with people and my consultations, et cetera. That’s what I’m doing, man. So

D Brent Dowlen: I love it. I like professional encourager title that’s there. There are a lot of people these days who could use encouragement, so I, I think you’re doing great things there and I absolutely love your show.

Uh oh. Thank you, Joe. Like I said, guys, you can find me on his show, but. Find his show. ’cause his show’s a lot of fun. He’s got great conversations going on with people. I, I enjoyed being on it, but I just like, after listening to it, getting ready to be on your show, it’s like you got a [00:16:00] great show, man. I love it.

So fine. I, your episode, your

Mista Yu: episode was awesome too, man. Your episode with us was, was amazing man. I just hope they catch that too.

D Brent Dowlen: Find one of his shows. ’cause you’ve, you have. Three. Is it three or four? Yeah,

Mista Yu: we got three. We just, he just three. Now one’s a, uh, a sports show from our hometown, uh, NFL team, but the other two are just encouragement, teaching purpose, leadership development.

That’s what the other two shows are all about. So that’s all we doing there, but yeah, just one sports show. Let’s Absolutely.

D Brent Dowlen: I had to launch a third show just so I can keep up with you, bro. It’s Go for it, man. This is the, I couldn’t do it. This is the third show, so. Oh, okay. After hanging out with you on your show, I was like, man, I’m dropping the ball.

I’m not doing enough here. So

Mista Yu: I, I hope I didn’t send that message because that was not my intention. We used to have five. I had to, I had to pull back and say, this is not, I gotta, I, I gotta use my time wisely. So that’s why I pulled back from having five. I’m like, okay, I gotta be focused on what’s the most important thing.

What’s the [00:17:00] goal here? What am I trying to accomplish? Do these other shows help me accomplish that goal? If they don’t, they gotta go. And one of those shows, the most popular one that we had, we had 22,000 uh, uh, followers on one network from that show. We had to kill it though. Mm, right. It was my decision though.

Nobody, nobody forced me into that. I just said, you know what, this is not what helped me get to the goal that I have. So I love sports. I talk about it pretty fluidly, but it wasn’t worth investing that kind of time into it. So we. Put it to early this month, so. Oh, that, that’s a, like I said, man, all about purpose, man.

D Brent Dowlen: That’s a whole nother conversation we’ll have to get into on another day, for sure. Sure, man. What’s the best part about being a dad and now a granddad like you? You can, you can this one if you want.

Mista Yu: Well, the, the best part about the granddad part is that, you know, you can hang out with ’em and, and, and send ’em back home.

That’s, that’s the best part about that part. As far as being [00:18:00] a dad though, I think. The best part is just knowing that you know what, you learn how to sacrifice, and I know that people, you know, talk about that counselor. Some people go, some parents go overboard where they begin to worship with their children and try to live their lives through their children and their children don’t want what they’re trying to, uh, live out through them.

It’s an ugly scene, but I think one, one of the biggest things for me that I think is the best thing is the sacrifice part, because the world around us and I, I’m not trying to go political or anything like that, just kind of just talking. Generally speaking, we forgot what honor and sacrifice look like and we out here trying to get, get, get, and we don’t realize what it takes, what the cost is for us to even have what we actually do have that we don’t really respect.

Or that we don’t really cherish or honor. And being a father, it causes you to learn sacrifice real quick. You learn about, you know, what it means to give up what you want and what your goal was in life in order to make sure that theirs comes true. [00:19:00] And that’s not, that’s not an easy thing to do, uh, as a parent, especially a loving parent.

You had to give up some things that you want in favor of making sure that your children are taken care of. So I had to learn. I mean, coming from the place where I come from, uh, geographically I needed to learn that that was important for me. So being a dad was a blessing. I think it, I would say it saved my life ’cause I could have been in a different place in some stuff.

And being a father gave me responsibilities off the bat. I had to learn about, okay, you know what? This ain’t about you. This whole thing’s not about you. And kind of help foster great things to my kids so they can be the best, uh, them that they can be in this crazy world. So sacrifice for the, the biggest lesson, I think is the best thing that happened to me personally as a dad.

So,

D Brent Dowlen: you know, I, I love it. It’s, I’ve, I’ve listened to other men talk about, uh. Becoming [00:20:00] fathers and how radically it changed their lives. And I’ve, I’ve heard more than one express the idea that really it, it’s what saved me. Like you, you think like your kids think you’re doing amazing things for them, but honestly, like our kids do so much for us.

Like my life is so much richer because of my daughters. Fuller, like, I, I laugh more. I enjoy my life more. I’m more passionate about it, right? So no matter where you’re coming from, it’s, uh, I’ve seen this over and over again with a lot of dads. Like, man, my kids have no idea how much they save me. Like, and, and I love, you know, I, I want to be Superman for my kids, right?

So I, I want to set that bar high and I wanna be Superman, but. Like, I have to wait there older, my 10 or 13 to be like, actually really, like, you’re the ones who saved me. You. I can’t tell them [00:21:00] that yet. You know? No.

Mista Yu: It’s gonna be a minute

D Brent Dowlen: before

Mista Yu: you can share that story. It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be a minute.

Yeah.

D Brent Dowlen: Little bit. Yeah. And Mr. You, you wanted. To we, we talked about what we’re gonna talk about today and, and kick some ideas around, and I’m really liked this idea of talking about the importance of having a united front with your spouse or your partner. Raising because they will learn ruthless precision, how to conquer and divide, divide and conquer very quickly.

Like it’s an instinctual thing. So let’s, let’s talk about having that united front when with your spouse as you’re with raising kids and what that means.

Mista Yu: Wow. It was, it, it played out almost like a movie. And because I used to write screenplays and, and, and write, uh. Books and, and manuscripts and that kind of stuff.

I get the, all, the whole creative side of movie. You [00:22:00] know, I, I get into the, the plot twist and that kind of stuff, and our life played out like that because we went into this thing happy, everybody was good. We were excited about our situation, family-wise and everything. And they were just all good.

Started off flowers, rainbows, the, the whole deal, peaches and puppies. It was, it was, it was just great. And then the bottom fell out. People started, you know, different sides of the family started getting involved in our life and speaking and, and trying to, uh, manipulate our, you know, our, our members of our home from the outside and trying to just kind of stick their nose in our family business and stuff.

And it turned into a thing where we had almost like every day was a walking on the land trying to avoid landmines in your house. Know, and that was, that’s not, that’s not, it’s not good in war. It’s not good in in life either. In family. And we, we lived that for many years and it got to the point where [00:23:00] my wife and I were like, we didn’t, I don’t think we said it out right, but we wondered if we were gonna make it because it was just too much stuff happening.

And she was starting to have pity for me and like just. It’s all good. This, you know, this, this is my problem, not yours. And not we. You’re free to do whatever you want. Minute I just, this, I’m sorry to put all this stuff on you. And I told her to shut her mouth. I said that many times too. I said, shut your mouth.

I’m, I’m here. I’m here. I’m here with you. Me and you made the commitment here. You know what I’m saying? I mean, people talk about where the kids should be in the family dynamic and that’s a different conversation for a different day. But for me. We got to the place where we were literally at the end of our ropes, not, that’s not hyperbole, that that’s really where we were.

And we were like, okay, we gotta do something. And I don’t know if it was an epiphany, it wasn’t because of a book that we either of us were reading. I don’t know what happened and where it came from, but we somehow, it just clicked that, you know what, when these kids [00:24:00] get older, they’re not gonna be here. So all the damage that they’re doing right now.

They’re gonna leave us behind and we’re gonna be in the rubble of this. And they’re gonna go on to their lives. They’re gonna go on and go to school and college, I guess, whatever, and get married and do their own thing in life. And we’ll still be here trying to clean up. So what we figured out during that time was, you know what?

It’s time for United Friend. If nothing else matters, only thing that matters is our relationship, you and I. Now that, that, I’ll tell you right now, that didn’t go over well with people. Generally speaking because they all think that their kids are their world and the kids is everything. No offense to anybody that’s listening, but they think that the kids should be at the priority.

As a matter of fact, it’s supposed to be the highest thing on the food chain. I don’t agree with that. So for, for my wife and I, we said, you know what? You and I are the, the relationship. We gotta maintain this above everything else. If our kids hate us and load us, we stay dead. You know what I’m saying?

That’s fine. Perhaps [00:25:00] that’ll change over time. They’ll get, they’ll get past that. Maybe, perhaps we’ll have some kind of a, a Jesus meet, come to Jesus meeting and we, maybe we get through that. But at the end of the day, my wife and I are the, we are the union, we are the relationship. Everything else is a, is a, uh, if component of that or offshoot of that.

So when we figure that part out. It was a game changer for us. We figured out, you know what? It’s you and I. We gotta be in agreement. They can’t talk to you about one thing and send me something different. They can’t ask me for something that you said no to already. No, we gotta be on the same page. And when we did that, it killed a whole lot of the, uh.

The machinations that our kids had about trying to divide and get their way with some things, wanna go to parties that we wouldn’t approve of, be around folks that we didn’t like, that kind of stuff. It killed all of that stuff because we were, we had a united front and it just kind of just, uh, kind of, kind of foreshadow how important unity is in the marriage.

You can’t, [00:26:00] you can’t give that up for your kids. ’cause it will, it will be, it’ll be the end of you. You can’t do it. So when we figure that part out, we were stronger than we ever had been before. Next year we’re gonna be celebrating our 30th year in marriage, you know, and neither one of us thought it was gonna happen.

So, so that, that’s probably what my, uh, you know, I thought, I thought the united front was a, a powerful message to kind of share today, because a lot of pe people are not doing it. I see it all the time. I’m not putting anybody out that I know that may be watching this, but I see it all the time. The kids are the decision makers in the households.

If they scream loud enough from Walmart and fall out, they get that candy, they get that teddy bear. They just, they decide, they move the needle in their household. And I’m sorry, but that’s just not, I don’t care what the situation is, that that just cannot, possibly, okay, that child’s a miracle child that you, you didn’t think should be here.

They, they should have died, but they, but they survived. They still have the right to run your whole household and run your [00:27:00] marriage. I’m so sorry. They, they just can’t do that. It’s you and your spouse and, and, and that’s it. Everybody else gotta come in line with that fact that, that that’s the, uh, the whole, I mean, it’s from the beginning of time it started off with that male and female husband and wife.

Everything else came from that. So the child can’t be the boss. I’m so sorry. The child can’t be the queen. She can be a princess, but she can’t be the queen. The son can be a prince, but he can’t be the king. Know what I’m saying? So for me and my wife, when we figured that part out, it was a game changer for us.

It changed everything. The whole power dynamic shifted, you know? And you know, we still had some challenges and stuff and we, we knew that there was some things that, you know, that weren’t quite right, but we had that part down pat. We were together. We in it for the long haul. We are going for as many years as we’re gonna be blessed to have on this earth, and we gonna do all of it.

Being married and staying married and staying in love with each other. When we decided that it was a wrap, [00:28:00] nothing could come between us and people tried. So many. So many have tried to split us up. We still here almost 30 years, brother. The power of unity man.

D Brent Dowlen: So congratulations on almost 30 years. Thank you, sir.

So big these days. Like we, we just celebrated our 24th anniversary last month. Oh, sweet. Did it? That’s good. Yeah. And like people were like, oh my God, you guys have been married for so long. We, we, people who have been married like 50 plus years. And it’s horrifying to me that like, you know, people’s expectations have lowered so far when it comes to couples staying together.

But let’s unpack this a little bit. ’cause I love what you said in that moment you realized, hey, after they’re gone, it’s us. Like they’re, they’re this much, and, and I mean, you have grandkids now. And a great grandchild, right? [00:29:00] Your kids are always going to be part of your life, or hopefully as a parent. Yeah.

But we’re working on it. And that time period where they’re in your house is a fragment of what’s to come, right? Of, of course, your life together. Uh. That dynamic changed things radically for you guys. It’s like, Hey, it, it’s us, right? We, we gotta, we gotta hold through this no matter what. Oh yeah. And you said like there was resistance from your kids on this.

Oh, yeah.

Mista Yu: Oh, absolutely. They, I mean, because they, they kind of felt like, you know, I, I think this might be. Agenda type situation. You know, the daughters, you know, and the mothers have a certain relationship and it’s, and it’s special and it’s distinct and different from a daughter and a father. Excuse me.

So it kind of felt like, Hey, you are a girl like [00:30:00] us. You should understand why we wanna do this. You should be on our side, you know, us against the men. You know, wasn’t the story I, I, I shared about the, uh, the school administrator. It’s us women against the men. It’s like, men against this power struggle.

I’m like, yeah, that doesn’t work in this kind of household, the kind of household that we’re trying to forge and build it, it doesn’t work. So yeah, there was a little bit of a power struggle. We were trying to get her, them, her on their side to come against a tyrannical man, the fatherhood who’s laying down the law.

We must, we must thrown him.

It was, it was ridiculous, but it was, but it’s a real thing that happens in households. It’s a, it’s a real thing.

D Brent Dowlen: One of the earliest conversations I had with my daughters about what they will actually be in trouble for, right? The, the things that will actually get them in trouble in our household. One of the very first things that my wife and I laid out is if you come to one of us and ask us [00:31:00] something and get an answer.

Then you don’t like that answer, so you try and go to the other one to get a different answer without telling the other one you already asked us. Like if you try and play us against each other, nothing there, there’s almost nothing else that will escalate things more quickly on the back end for you guys.

’cause we find out you’re trying to play each other, us against each other and. Like, I, I don’t get angry, angry. I, I, when I was younger, I had anger issues. I worked through those. It takes a lot for me to actually like, you know, I, I might get a little louder, but I don’t actually get really angry about things most of the time anymore.

But it’s like, you, you wanna see me mad? Let, let’s not, let’s not play mom and dad because my wife and I both grew up working with children and being around a lot of children. Um, I have nieces who are all adults now, and so we, we watched our, [00:32:00] like my siblings go through this and we watched other friends kids play this game of playing mom against Dad and it’s like, Nope, that’s not happening.

Right. I, I am amazed how many parents don’t seem to understand that that is going on in their household. How many dads listening right now Don’t, don’t understand. Because you know, you, you may be busy working or whatever you’re doing as the father, as the dad, and I know you’re trying to be involved in your kid’s life, so you wouldn’t be listening to a podcast like this, but how often is your kid going behind you and trying to play your wife against you to get what they want?

And that that’s what you’re talking, my wife’s first response is, well, what’d your dad say? And my first response is always, what’d your mom say? Because I just assume they went to her first. [00:33:00] And they don’t always, like my kids have learned, they’ve been conditioned to this point. But that’s, that’s our first question because like, did you talk to the other person in charge in this household?

It changes your relationship with your kids. Now I wanna talk about the example you’re setting for your children by having this night front. How do you think that impacts them going forward with their relationships? Um, I, I, I got a

Mista Yu: chance to see a really bad example, played out with one of my girls and a, and a, and I think one that.

Somewhat decent example. Um, but what, what I, what I, what I think in hindsight, looking back at it, what I think happened was I showed, we showed him an example of what a healthy marriage should look like in the [00:34:00] moment. That wasn’t what our goal was. We were just trying to survive the onslaught. Uh, it was, it may sound dramatic and, and hyperbolic, but it really wasn’t.

It was really, really. It’s really hellish for us, um, in a lot of different ways. But, uh, I think what we tried to show them was just, uh, an example of what a healthy marriage should look like, what communication should look like between, uh, you know, between spouses and parents of, of young children. What should look like to deal with, with conflict, you know, conflict resolution type stuff.

And I hope that we showed that. I seen, you know. You know, my, my, one of my daughters, the only ones that’s, that has, uh, actually married somebody. They, they’ve dated and been with people, but they haven’t, my daughter, my youngest is the only one who just actually married to somebody, and it look like it’s a pretty decent relationship.

There’s some enabling that goes on there and stuff, but that’s, that’s a side note. But, you know, beside that, I, I think. [00:35:00] We try to just show them, you know, what it looks like to, to talk and be there for each other. I mean, because if you look, if you take cues from the media and entertainment and that kind of stuff, I mean, a healthy, wholesome marriage is like, it’s kind of hard to find.

You gotta go to certain networks to find this. You know what I’m saying? Even sometimes even that suspect. So it’s like. You really have to, uh, dig deep to find anybody trying to really do it right, at least in those mediums anyway. And in real life, we know people are doing it all around the world. It’s not that unique.

It just appears to be that way because of what we are fed. But, um, I try to just show them what it looks like to be, uh, healthy communicators, to be healthy in dealing with adversity and, and, and how we handle it, you know, being more responsive and not so reactive. Gotta, I just teach them that, to be honest, man, I don’t know if they, if they learned that, I don’t know if they got it down.

I don’t know if they pulled from it from [00:36:00] time to time in their relationships. I really can’t tell. Uh, sad to say I don’t have great examples of, you know, uh, big wins that, Hey man, look at. We helped them get there. I, I don’t, I don’t know, man. I, I hope, I hope that we see that in times to come. I hate, there’s been times where one of my daughters, ’cause she, she lived with us, with her and her, two of her three children for a little while.

So I got to hear some of her thoughts and, and questions and stuff and I could tell even that, I guess I take that as a small win. The question that she asked us let us know that she was paying attention to all those years, even though she was making a lives hell, she was. To what was going on, and she kind of picked up on some things about what a good relationship should look like.

So I’ll give, I’ll give her, I, I’ll celebrate that small w because that, that’s probably one of those, I’ll do that.

D Brent Dowlen: You gotta take the wins where you can get ’em, man, you know, that’s, yeah. Kids, see what you’re doing. So much more than what you [00:37:00] hear or what they, what you tell them I should say. Um, mm-hmm. So modeling that in your own marriage, right.

Modeling that. It’s us first. We are the core of this family. We are, we are the strength of this family. And you said if you found it like life got easier as a parent when you actually had this united front with your wife. Was just more security. How’d that, how’d that play?

Mista Yu: I think it helped us to formulate a plan, because this more to it than that, but I, I’m, I’m, I’m trying to break it down as best as I can without being too clunky.

But we went into it. We got, I mean, we knew each other for three months before we got married. And we knew it was, it was gonna be a real thing for us. We just kind of knew it. I’m not gonna say all love at first sight, I’m not gonna get cheesy about it, but we just knew within that three month period, you know what, this is my wife, this [00:38:00] is my husband.

This was gonna happen. And we honored that. We, we, we went through with it and we did it. And, but I can’t say we really had a plan. We did premarital counseling and little things that help ourselves. We’ve been in marital workshops and stuff, you know, things to kind of help. Educate us about what it looks like to step into this.

But we didn’t have a real plan, and I think we had to have that the moment before we had the united front or the moments before it revealed that we didn’t have a plan, it revealed that we didn’t have, uh, an idea where we were gonna go with this. We knew we wanted to stay married. That that wasn’t really, that.

That’s, that’s more of a hope. It’s not, it’s not, it’s not really a strategy. So we didn’t really have a plan like, Hey, this is what’s gonna happen. This is what we’re aiming for. This is how we’re gonna do things in our house when it comes to raising our children. We didn’t really formulate a plan. We kind of said, you know what?

We’re gonna just do this. And we, we were winging it. We were winging it for several years. To be honest about it, my, my wife, she was here. She would agree. I ain’t talking, I ain’t say [00:39:00] anything that’s out, out of pocket. We were winging it. So, you know, that being said, when we got the united front, it made us, you know what?

It’s strategy. We kind of. Type mentality. It was really weird, but I understand why. But that’s a side topic too. But it was a, we, we started making, making plans. We started mapping stuff out, writing out plans and ideas. Excuse me, this is what we’re gonna do. This is the structure. I mean, we, we started making, you know, getting things in order.

And when you have a plan, man, you can do so many different things when you have a plan. I know plans change and life changes Life. Life be life and sometimes, but. It was so good that we had a a, a plan and a strategy. I think that was a game changer for us because, did it make things easier? I think some things were a little bit easier because we knew that when people came with us with, uh, the end of, or try to, you know, get personal because they couldn’t have their way, try to, you know, take deep digs at us, we were able to [00:40:00] deflect it a whole lot better.

Like, ah, yeah, that’s okay. The, the plan is still going on. If you wanna be a part of it, you sure can. If you wanna stay on the ship, you sure can, but we are headed in this direction, so if you don’t wanna be on here, your only recourse is to jump off. So this is kind of what we, it made things a little bit easier.

We still had to go through some struggles with some wars, and they’re very, very, they’re very well documented. But the bottom line with that, yeah, it helped us, you know, having a strategy and having a plan for our life and, and deciding what we were gonna do, or at least having some kind of goals, 5, 10, 15 year goals.

It helped us. It helped us recognize that, you know what this is about you and I. We gotta live this life out. We don’t, we can’t compromise it for people who aren’t even gonna be here, who aren’t even gonna be driving on this ship with us. You know, they may be visitors, but that they’re not gonna be here like you and I gonna be here.

Let’s fight for our happiness and, and to, and, and to, and to, to walk into blessings and, and be the, [00:41:00] the you and I that was supposed to be so.

D Brent Dowlen: I, I can actually, does that make sense? I hope it does. Oh, it does. I’m, I’m laughing because like, I, I can literally hear the young dads who have like, just little ones right now listening to this conversation being a little freaked out because my wife and I, we try and go and actually like do, uh, usually every year we try and do like one, like, you know, marriage seminar or class and, and one on.

Oh, cool. Is like we, we intentionally try and go do something together, right? We find our church or one of the churches in the area hosting the a parenting class or a marriage class, and we try and put back into us every year. But like at the last parenting class, we were one of two couples that had kids over the age of six.

Like the rest the world, like really new parents. Oh wow. And Sarah and I would say things and the looks on some of their [00:42:00] faces, like my wife was like, you know, you love your children. There are days you don’t like them and I just wanna ring their necks. You love them. You just really don’t like who they are right now.

And like I saw all these young parents like just look horrified that she would say, right, that there days you don’t like your children or, or like, you know, you know, like, right. And so I can hear the young fathers now going, wait, this, this doesn’t sound like a fatherhood conversation. He is talking about like going to war and barely surviving and it being hellish.

Gentlemen, as your kids get older, you’re gonna have different phases of their lives, and there, there will be times it doesn’t make it bad as far as like you, you, it, it does not make fatherhood not worth it. It just understand there will be really rough times with your children at times as they grow through the different phases of their life.

So [00:43:00] for the young dads right now who are just holding like a nine month old or something, or a 1-year-old, trust me, you’ll get there. It’s okay. And you’re still gonna love that kid, but there will be times you’re like, uh, why did I do this? What, what was I thinking? It’s gonna happen man. It’s okay. You got a dad joke for us.

Mista Yu: Yeah, this, this was, this was, uh, a challenge to me because even though I’ve been a dad for a while, the dad joke, uh, trend, I never got involved with it, but I do have one. You guys can decide if it’s good or bad. I have no idea. But here’s my dad joke. Do you know where all the dad jokes are kept Right in the database.

D Brent Dowlen: Fair play. Fair play. Definitely a dad joke. That’s one of the hard things. A lot of dad jokes. Those in the moment, things where you’re like, [00:44:00] huh, huh? Right. Because he plays in the moment. Mm-hmm. My, my daughter, she’s 13, my oldest daughter’s 13, so I get the eye roll with the puns. Oh no. Because like I, I’m quick with the puns and she’s like, really?

Dad? Really, you know, I, I, I get that look, but you know, she is supportive. She, she got me this dad jokes book for the show, so

Mista Yu: Oh, sweet.

D Brent Dowlen: Like, hey, I get so much, so much grief when I make a dad joke and you’re like, but you gimme a book. She’s like, well, you know, you’re not funny. So you need help with the show.

Mista Yu: Oh, wow. I if she approves the, uh, the jokes in her book, but I guess that doesn’t really matter now. She doesn’t even think you’re funny.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah, I’m a, I’m a, I, I, it is fair. I’m not like the funniest person in the world, so, you know, I, I figure she’s helping me on this one. Okay. I hope she, hope she approves. Of your growth

Mista Yu: in this area,[00:45:00]

D Brent Dowlen: what is. The one thing you really want people to hear today?

Mista Yu: I think since we’re talking about Dad, I’m kinda just staying in the theme of this, you know, the, the fatherhood journey. Uh, one thing is that even though the assignment is gonna be daunting a lot of the time, you know, don’t, don’t neglect the power of community. I’ve been sharing this for the past three weeks on different shows.

It just, it just something I’m really passionate ab about. Don’t neglect the, uh, importance of community because the minute you’re in isolation, and I, I’m saying it because I was actually in it. Any stories I was sharing with you, that’s where I, I didn’t have any other dads supporting me. I wasn’t in any kind of communities.

I was solo trying to figure it out all in my head, based on my own experiences and stuff. The [00:46:00] importance of community. It, it, it changed that for me. And it would change it for you too. I mean, it’s not gonna make everything go away in your household ’cause you just gotta go home, lock the door, you know, close the blinds and still live in that situation.

Know what I’m saying? But the community part, man, every time that I seen that, when it’s done right, it’s a beautiful thing. And as men, we struggle to connect a lot of the times, but we need to have that community. So I would say embrace that wherever you can find it. You only find it in one or two people who you just trust to talk to you about fatherhood stuff, whether it be Brent or even if it’s myself or both of us.

If you just feel like we can, you can talk to us in a transparent way and it’s, and it’s, uh, it is helpful for you and it’s healthy for you, embrace it, man. That community is how we grow the most and it helps us to get off of the ledge when we wanna jump a lot of the time. So that’s what I would say.

D Brent Dowlen: Gentlemen, if you’re struggling with connecting with the people in your life in a meaningful way, the people that [00:47:00] really matter to you message me directly on Instagram or go to my website, purpose driven men.com. There’s a bubble down in the corner. When you click on it. You can send me a video message, an audio message, a text message.

I’m super, super reachable and you know, let’s talk. My relationship Titans Pot program may be exactly what you need. I know a lot of guys who got really busy trying to build and. Kind of let the relationship side of their life go. If you’re in that place with your kids or with your spouse, let’s talk Maybe, maybe my program’s right for you.

If not, I know some great relationship coaches besides myself who would love to talk to you and help you get back on track with the people who truly matter in your life. Mr. You, where is the best place for people to connect with you? The best

Mista Yu: place, I’ll probably tell a YouTube channel youtube.com at they call me Mr.

U-M-I-S-T-A-Y-U. I’d probably say that probably the best way. Uh, on many of our show notes, we have [00:48:00] usually some links where you can kind of schedule a consultation with me. Uh. 30 minute free consultation. Uh, I’m not sure if people are even seeing it, so that’s another story. But that’s available in a lot of places too.

We, we can have a talk, uh, about purpose, about fatherhood, just about us as men, just connecting and, and building community. I’m a big advocate for that, so, but the YouTube channel is the best way to probably get me right now, though.

D Brent Dowlen: Guys, as always, we’ll have Mr. Yu’s links all down in the show notes. So the YouTube description rumble, wherever.

Let’s go. Uh, also on page on my website. With this episode, we’ll have all the ways you can connect with Mr. Yu and some of our past collaborations and the future collaborations will go there as well because this will not be the last conversation we have. Oh gosh, I hope not. It’s good. Guys. Thanks for joining us today on the Dad podcast.

A community of dads just navigating life challenges together. Until next time, laugh, learn and live the dad [00:49:00] life.